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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

BRIDGE TO HELL (1986)


I picked up that stupid INGLORIOUS BASTARDS 2: HELL'S HEROES DVD set a while back and finally got around to watching it.  Well attempting to watch it is more truthful.  This was the only one out of all four films that I found even watchable.  Perhaps it's due to its being directed by Umberto Lenzi that I found it O. K.  It's by no means a great film but I guess in comparison to the other 3 it stands out a bit.  The main problem I guess I have with all of these is that they're all pretty boring and for action movies that's not a good thing.  I mean I'm not a huge fan of typical action movies anyway and these are even worse than typical for the most part.  But this one did hold my attention and I actually thought the acting was fairly decent.  I have no idea who any of these people are with names like Paki Valente and Zdenko Jelcic but they did an acceptable job for the stupidity of it all.  The battle scenes really make no sense and are totally unbelievable but I think that just added to my amusement.  So don't buy this thing unless you like very crappy euro-action.

The old Cannon VHS had Michael "American Ninja" Dudikoff talk up the movie:

Monday, May 24, 2010

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961)


People say that Ed Wood made the worst movies of all time. After sitting through this his films look like works of genius in comparison. This thing has so much voice-over narration that you feel like you're watching a documentary. Unfortunately it's a very dull documentary that doesn't really make any sense. The movie is not even 1 hour long but it seems to drag on forever. The one positive thing is there was actually some unexpected nudity right at the beginning with a girl getting out of a shower and drying herself. Tor Johnson does make an impressive looking monster. Too bad he wasn't in a better movie.

The trailer is definitely better than the whole flick:

Sunday, May 23, 2010

THE EXORCIST (1974)


What can you possibly say about this movie that hasn't been said before? Only in the 1970's could we get a movie, released by a major studio, where a 12 year old girl repeatedly shoves a crucifix up her bloody vagina while screaming out "fuck me" over and over. That kind of ballsy insanity died somewhere and things seem to get worse and worse all the time on the creative front. While this probably works on a whole other level of scariness if you believe in things like the Devil and God and all that kind of stuff I still think it works just as well as an insane iconic work that we will probably never be surpassed in many ways. A shocking movie that actually has a plot. It's hard to imagine that once upon a time Hollywood used to be able to do such a thing.

crazy-ass epileptic-fit-inducing trailer:

CABIN FEVER 2: SPRING FEVER (2009)


Pretty bad follow-up to CABIN FEVER, a movie that I did actually like. The director, Ti West, has pretty much disowned this and I can kinda see why. There's some silly out-of-place animated scenes that bookend this thing. There's an ending that goes on forever concerning characters you don't care about. On the positive side it's nice that they seemed to use all real f/x and no cgi as far as I could tell. West has stated that he didn't direct everything that they threw into this and didn't even get the chance to edit the scenes he did direct. The result is a pretty crappy mess full of annoying high-school assholes. Fuck you Lionsgate!  I was also told before watching this thing that it was the goriest film in forever, and it just isn't. I mean I would put it on the level of your typical TROMA movie for dumb gore quantity. Nice oozing penis effect though. Watch West's HOUSE OF THE DEVIL instead.

Ti's explanation for this mess:

THE CANDY SNATCHERS (1973)


THE CANDY SNATCHERS is an awesome slice of 70's sleazy drive-in cinema if you like that sort of thing, this is the movie for you. It's kind of like a slightly less malevolent version of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. There's rape and there's misogyny but it's not quite as offensive. Maybe that's because David Hess just adds that extra bit of repulsiveness to his character. There's a retarded kid who sorta becomes the hero of this piece which is a neat thing.  Besides him and the main victim, Candy, there aren't many people you feel sympathy for in the movie. There's plot twists and craziness.  One of my all time favorites. I've re-watched this disc several times since I bought it.

BLOOD ON SATAN'S CLAW (1971)


Basically what you get here is a much shittier version of MARK OF THE DEVIL or maybe closer to WITCHFINDER GENERAL but with a monster thrown in for shits and giggles.  Mostly nonsensical nonsense with a couple of nice nude young ladies sprinkled in here and there.  I would only recommend this one to fans of boring English crap.  The ending is particularly absurd and the hero swings a sword around like he just stepped out of  HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.  The only positive is the amazing outfits that I think would make any 70's style pimp proud.  The print I saw of this was titled SATAN'S SKIN, I'm not sure if that makes much difference in the nakedness department though.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA (1952)


It's hard to believe that the Duke Mitchell in this movie is the same guy who went on to star and direct the great MASSACRE MAFIA STYLE and the possibly great(haven't seen it yet but it looks great) GONE WITH THE POPE. But there he is looking quite young and doing a really silly comedy/singing act with a very annoying Jerry Lewis impersonator. This movie unfortunately is not so great. Bela Lugosi plays his stereotypical crazy doctor role and there's a guy in a gorilla suit running around and some monkey slapstick and that's about the only fun things you will find in this. I'm sure you can watch this for free somewhere online or get it for $1 at your local crappy dollar store.

This Sammy Petrillo character makes Gilligan look subdued:

Saturday, May 15, 2010

NIGHT PATROL (1984)


Severely dumb 80's comedy starring The Unknown Comic, best remembered from the, also dumb, GONG SHOW TV game/variety show thing. Since most movies from the 80's were injected with out of place idiotic comedy bits anyway, it seems the logical conclusion is to take it to this point were everything that happens is just absurd. Of course this also hearkens back to wacky shit from the 70's like KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE and crap like that. It's a long silly trip for Linda Blair to go from THE EXORCIST to this but her 80's stuff is always fun to see. Overall I find this retard-o fiasco, from the director of BLOOD DINER, worth checking out if you just want something idiotic to meditate on. You also get tons of cameos from Andrew "Dice" Clay to Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Morita to big boob queen Kitten Natividad. Plus the world's greatest farting midget Mr. Billy Barty! So have a beer and lose some extra brain cells with this.

Friday, May 14, 2010

THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (1981)


 I watch this movie whenever I feel very depressed.  I'm not sure why, I just know it lifts my spirit.  I guess I just imagine the glee with which director Lucio Fulci insisted on filming the most grotesque and gory murder scenes he could.  He lingers on that shit like it's his ultimate statement and I guess it ended up being just that.  You have literally gallons of blood spraying from wounds, knives through heads, stabbings, slashing and decapitated heads rolling.  Watch out for a zombiefied Dr. Freudstein(coolest name ever!) living in the basement of an old creepy house.  My favorite shot has to be the slow pan over assorted body parts, that we assume the undead Dr. is experimenting with, while the new homeowner listens to a tape of the wacky previous owner going insane.  I will admit the slow parts are a drag and that little boy with the big head is totally annoying but if you can get past that this one is a blast for gore-hounds.

And the trailer is narrated by Brother Theodore which is awesome!:

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010)


The only reason I saw this movie was because I got some free tickets. If it wasn't for that there was no way I woulda paid good money for this. I went into it expecting it to be awful and, of course, it was. I'm not a fan of the original, at all, but in comparison it's a masterpiece. Everything from the terrible acting to the nonsensical plot to the shitty fake blood f/x was just garbage. Why do they never even attempt to explain Freddy's magical powers? Is it too much trouble to write something that makes sense in one of these nightmare movies? If you want to see people getting killed with no rhyme or reason like as if you're watching one long loop of outtakes from a real movie then go see this. If you want anything that makes sense or you can relate to in the real world don't bother.  The only plus is Freddy's makeup kinda looked like a real burn victim which was the only reality injected into this thing at all. Bring back John Saxon!!

I DISMEMBER MAMA (1972)


This early 70's prototype slasher flick could have been a lot better. I mean it's so slow-paced that it's almost a chore to stay awake through it all. You could probably cut out a good 45 minutes of padded scenes and not miss anything.  The main psycho is played well and quite creepily by TV actor Zooey Hall. There's an uneasy pedophilia vibe running through most of this after our psycho Albert kidnaps a young girl and plays wacky games with her. The best thing overall about this is the cool title. A.K.A.- POOR ALBERT AND LITTLE ANNIE(which is more descriptive but not nearly as sensational)



Also part of the greatest trailer ever!:

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

THE HUMAN CENTIPIDE(FIRST SEQUENCE) 2009


This movie has a very sick idea and that's pretty much all it has going for it. The idea, if you don't know, is of surgically connecting three human beings via their intestinal tract to form one being. That's ass to mouth to ass to mouth. It's a bit disturbing, sure, but it could have been worse if the filmmakers had more of a plot or reason for the sickening display. It's like they just thought of the visual and never really completed a coherent plot. Everything else about it is fine enough. Even though it was shot on video it looks really good. The acting is fine. It's just lacking any reason for the actions taking place. It's also got that cliche' horror movie thing where someone just stupidly wanders off into the woods. That's another problem. I didn't really care about anyone in this because they seem so stupid that something fucked up was bound to happen to them anyway. See it for the sick novelty but don't expect anything else.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

ZERO WOMAN: THE ACCUSED (1997)


I do remember seeing one of these ZERO WOMAN movies a few years back and being entertained. This one is just fucking terrible. Boring, monotone dubbing, snail paced, shot-on-video garbage where the bloody stuff happens off-screen. What a terrible recipe for a movie. The only bright spots are some nice looking naked Asians but I'm sure you can find that in a lot of better things.