Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Free movies are always a little better!:
As a total and complete hater of pretty much everything shot-on-video, I'm probably a pretty biased reviewer for this type of production. I have to say though for an amateurish shot-on-video rip-off of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT this isn't as awful as it could be. They do a pretty decent job of building some kind of suspense and sense of fear. The F/X are what you would expect of a no-budget backyard horror flick. We even get about halfway through when people start dying and end up in an EVIL DEAD homage. Although I wouldn't recommend this to everyone I'll say it's at least watchable, which is more than can be said for most shot-on-video crap. And they keep the running time down to about an hour which is a good thing.
This movie is part of this collection. Everything else on this set is complete unwatchable crap!:
It's never good when the best thing you can say about a movie is that it's short. This thankfully short French zombie film looks a lot more like RESIDENT EVIL to me than it does NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and that's not a good thing. Also like most modern zombie related things it's a completely brainless excuse for a bunch of unrealistic action sequences. Not very classic-Romero like at all! I guess this would appeal to people who play a lot of video games since it plays out like one of those. Come on France! I thought you were more intellectual than this.
This isn't in English but it doesn't matter at all:
First of all these girls are only on the road for maybe the first quarter of the movie. That's my first problem. My next problem is that these girls are completely unlikeable idiots. If this wasn't made in the 70's and full of some way out-there hippie types it would be really awful. The plot concerns a nutty flash-backing Vietnam vet who crosses paths with our titular young ladies. Then all three of them end up at a self-help/cult on the beach where most of the movie takes place. There's a slasher running around but he's a strangler so not much blood is shown anywhere and only a very little bit of nakedness is on display. The film was rated PG at the time, which of course nowadays there's no way it would be less than a R. The most bizarre scene is probably seeing the dad from THE WALTONS hit on a girl that's supposed to be 17 years old, so that's something. The alternate title is HOT SUMMER WEEK which is more accurate.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Unless you're a big fan of Jack Palance there's not much reason to check this out. Palance plays Jim Wade, a cop that breaks a lot of rules to get justice. You know, rules like don't murder criminals without a trial and little things like that. Joe Spinell shows up as a gangster boss looking very classy, and not as sweaty as usual, in some scenes. While the scenes with Palance dishing out vengeance are great there are really not enough of them to keep the movie flowing along and the whole thing kind of plays out like a Charles Bronson movie without Bronson. Watch MR. SCARFACE instead for some quality Palance action.
Don't fuck with Palance:
Thursday, September 23, 2010
This is known in some Asian countries as MARTYRS 2. I find it pretty ridiculous to even compare these two movies. MARTYRS had a plot, a point of view and pretty clear message. This movie, on the other hand, is just a little over an hour of two people being fucked with, completely humiliated and tortured in the goriest and bloodiest ways possible. They do try to shoehorn the idea of dying for the one you love in there but it's done with the subtlety of a sledgehammer and ultimately amounts to nothing. Now while all this splatter and spilled body fluids might make a nice background visual for your next birthday party or family get together it makes for a pretty torturous viewing experience watching it as a movie. A pretty unpleasant viewing experience, that is, unless maybe you happen to be Jeffrey Dahmer. I will say that I found the ridiculous ending pretty humorous for such a complete downer of a film. It's too bad it takes for what seems like an eternity to get there. Watch the 80's Linda Blair vs. punk rockers GROTESQUE instead.
Grotesque - Trailer
Uploaded by ohmygore. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.
A couple get drunk and hit a girl with their car. They believe they have killed her but, oh no, she comes back and haunts them. The movie at this point just turns into a Thai version of one of those silly Japanese ghost tales that were so popular a few years ago. Of course you also get the cliched, long-haired, spooky-looking girl up to no good and a bunch of dumb jump scares. The film tries really hard to build suspense but I found the whole thing pretty tired. If stuff like THE RING or JU-ON work for you then this might be something to watch. It's all way too serious and dull for my taste. Personally I prefer more of the off-the-wall, wacky Asian stuff. Come on Thailand, get more nutty!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Super silly rubber suited fish monsters terrorize a porn movie crew in this sort of remake of HORROR OF PARTY BEACH mixed with HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP. This movie was way more entertaining than I expected it to be. I had never seen any other Brett Piper movies so I was anticipating this one to be a typically horribly made low budget sort of affair. It was surprisingly humorous and effective for what it was trying to be. I particularly enjoyed the porn producer character who yells 90% of his lines at the top of his lungs. Ron Jeremy is featured as part of the porn film crew. Even though this was made in 1996 it has a very 80's flavor to the whole thing. I can't say how any of Piper's later shot-on-video stuff is but this one is worth checking out if you like goofy ass monster movies.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
TAOISM DRUNKARD is one of the wackiest kung fu comedy movies I've ever seen. A man fights a watermelon monster and drives around in a little shoe-car among other insanities. So when I found out that it was a sort of sequel to this, I knew I had to see SHAOLIN DRUNKARD because that's the way my mind works. In this one the main bad guy is a vampiric-wizard, with huge fangs, who uses what look like giant metal cock-rings to trap and kill his enemies. It is equally zany and taught me that maybe if I drank enough wine I can defeat all evil people that have extra hairy eyebrows. How does one grow out their eyebrow hair? This mystery I have still not cracked. Perhaps that is answered in another sequel I have yet to discover. Also thrown into the mix is a very male looking grandma character for extra weirdness. The director of this also directed action scenes in THE MATRIX and KILL BILL but this doesn't look anything like either of those.
A lot of movies have a great last 15 minutes. This one here is the complete opposite. It starts out with a bunch of pervy/molesty, small town hillbilly types who seem to spend all their free time ogling and making sleazy passes at the two main title characters. Even the girls step-dad can't keep his greasy paws off the younger of the two which leads to a shotgun blasting bit of revenge. Unfortunately this all happens in the opening scenes and then the rest of the movie concerns a package of money and a whole bunch of plot twists and turns that I didn't really feel helped move things along in a very thrilling manner. The few high spots, here and there, didn't really do it for me. Tiffany Bolling, as the older sister, is great to see in anything but I found her performance in, the over-all far superior, THE CANDY SNATCHERS way more entertaining.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Shaw Brothers were responsible for some of my favorite kung-fu flicks including MASTER KILLER, AVENGING EAGLE and a whole shitload of others. This is the first of their horror films I have ever seen and it's not too bad. Any movie about a necrophiliac mass-murderer can't be all bad. The thing that keeps it from being as exciting as the title promises is that much of the running time is taken up with police detective work which can get very dull and drag you right into sleepytime. You do get some maggot-covered corpses and a bunch of giallo-style killings including a few really splattery ones which is exciting. There's also a twist ending. For some real good "mania" action though PSYCHOMANIA might be a better choice but stay far away from BLOOD MANIA that one's terrible. And if it's corpse loving you crave NEKROMANTIK is the film for you.
THE KILLER SNAKES is supposed to be one of the Shaws better horror flicks plus it reminds me of the American movie STANLEY:
Monday, September 13, 2010
Is this movie even technically a vampire movie? If yes then MARTIN is the greatest vampire movie ever made in my opinion. The reason is because of the unusual take on the subject matter that George Romero chooses. He blurs the line between what's real and what's in the mind of a couple of the characters to the point where the viewer is left to input his own feelings. This creates a perfect vehicle to imprint your own beliefs and feelings into. "There's no real magic, ever" seems to me to be the best explanation for all of the ongoing actions in the film but there's also room for the completely opposite point of view to be just as valid. What if Martin really is 84 years old? There's really nothing in the movie to blatantly disprove that. Of course there's also nothing to dismiss the idea that Martin is completely nuts. It's this subtle line that Romero walks that draws me into the film every time I've seen it. I would call it Romero's greatest work if it wasn't for the groundbreaking milestone that is NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. It's kind of hard to discount that one. Check this one out to see why George Romero is still revered today even if his current movies pale in comparison to this masterpiece.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
This one is very weird sexploitation flick from the 60's that mixes comedy, murder and lots of jiggly ass into one big mish-mosh of pervy kicks. You got a kung fu hooker(who beats up and robs her customers using some really bad martial arts) as well as a not very attractive hooker(who does stripteases in various costumes for her customers) whose stories come together and sort of make sense after the later meets up with this weird guy who likes to drop acid and tell stories about murdering girls for kinky thrills. The wild stories are where we see some very screwy pain for pleasure kind of shenanigans going on as well as murder and body disposal hi-jinks. The strangest part I felt was watching a girl being stabbed to death while the cheeriest of music plays over the whole bloody scene.Definitely a unique sexy shocker that throws things at you that you're not expecting from other more ordinary films of this type.
Director John Hayes went on to make something called JAILBAIT BABYSITTER which looks like a must see:
Bruno Mattei is my favorite crappy Italian director. Insane dialogue, horrendous acting(one actress yells half her dialogue for no reason at all), completely naked women every few seconds, rampant lesbianism, silly and also gory acts of violence(including a machete in a dead girls vagina), mud wrestling, a cage full of underwater pussy-eating rats?, jailhouse orgies, and other acts of depravity fill this movie to the brim with enjoyable spectacles. It seems that the prison is just used to turn out really bad strippers/prostitutes. There's more of a plot somewhere in there but it's not very important. Everything just kind of happens as an excuse to see someone being raped with a snake or some other such terrible thing happen to women in a prison. Even though this was made later on in his career and was shot on video(which makes it look like some kind of sick TV show from a country with much better programming than we have in America) it still has all the components of Mattei's better known stuff like VIOLENCE IN A WOMEN'S PRISON. Check it out if you're a sex maniac or just a general sick-o.
"and you're a shit-ass...":
I thought I had hit the bottom of the international crappy zombie movie barrel with the Greek film EVIL but this Turkish living dead flick is amazingly even worse. The whole thing is shot with a shaky hand held camera which induces a nice headache after a while. They go for intentional comedy which may be funny if you're Turkish but I didn't get it. The F/X are really piss-poor but the filmmakers were smart enough to only show the zombies in the dark for the most part. To add to my lack of enjoyment the version of this I saw was subtitled really badly so you miss half the dialogue. The first Turkish zombie film ever made is pretty disappointing but from here on out I would think they could only get better. Try harder Turkey!!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A movie that works because of its ability to create a feeling of horror and suspense. It's use of shadows and actually hiding the monster for a large portion of the movie is its strong point. This movie doesn't appeal to modern assholes because typical asshole movie goers of today can't appreciate anything that doesn't have stupid CGI explosions every minute or so and everything being spelled out for them like the infantile drooling masses that they are. They've been numbed down by everything that passes for today's entertainment. Not that there's anything wrong with brainlessness in your eye-candy of choice. It's just that I find it amazing that people have gotten to the point where this movie is too slow for them. Of course if this movie is too slow there's no hope they'll ever get through something like 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY and that's a shame because cinema thrives when it works its magic through use of ideas to convey a story not through looking exactly like every other video game-like movie in the multiplex at the moment. End of rant. Greatest monster-in-space movie of all time and H.R. Giger went on to influence pretty much every monster since.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Probably one of the most absurd action movies I've ever seen. I have read about people being upset about the political slant of this movie. I can't imagine anyone being upset about such a stupid movie. If they think people are going to rise up and be motivated to revolt against the government because of a movie like this they are clearly delusional. Although silly as hell I also found it entertaining as hell. Danny Trejo does a decent job as a one-dimensional Mexican bad-ass in the mold of every 70's blaxploitation hero. Aside from a few slow draggy spots, here and there, it moves along quickly enough. You get blood, heads roll, Lindsay Lohan's boobs are on display, tons of machete-fu and a large amount of general Mexploitation. Cheech, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Tom Savini, and even Robert DeNiro(who isn't much of an actor at all anymore) all do a good job in the silliest of roles.
The original trailer:
Monday, September 6, 2010
A doctors wife dies so he hires a magician to get her soul back in her body. A stupid, painfully slow-moving, 70's piece of tedium that plays more like a TV movie than anything cinema worthy. Chock full of silly psychic mumbo-jumbo this is a good one to skip. The only reason I even watched this thing was to see Mr. Moe Howard's last film appearance before his death. It's extremely strange and surreal to see Moe with grey hair parted to the side. Unfortunately, since it's also his only solo appearance ever, no pie fights break out and there's no eye poking to be seen anywhere. Where is Shemp when you need him the most?
The art of making crap look amazing, 70's style:
Sunday, September 5, 2010
It you're gonna remake something remake it in 3-D. That rule seems to never fail and it works here in a big way. Chock full of naked 3-D boobs and gore this movie has everything you could want from a silly killer-fish-on-the-loose tale. The cartoony CGI piranha reminded me more of FINDING NEMO than anything menacing and made me long for the simpler days of rubber fish on a string from the original. They do mix some of the typical shitty CGI gore with some actual F/X work by Greg Nicotero which was nicely done. Highlights for me were a great penis-chomping scene, glimpses of "Girls Gone Wild"-style vagina and Eli Roth getting his head squished by a runaway motor boat. You get guest shots from Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Llyod and a few porn stars thrown in for eye candy and ultimately to be used as chum. I'm really hoping they follow the original sequel and have some flying piranhas in part 2.
Boobs and asses gone wild!!:
Thursday, September 2, 2010
"They followed her for the gold and her body…they didn't get the gold" as usual the tagline sounds a lot better than what you actually get here. What you get is a pretty dull and boring spaghetti western starring Jeffrey Hunter as a confederate soldier who helps a woman who is constantly being molested and hassled by Mexican banditos because of her possession of gold as well as her charming looks. There's no "body getting" as far as I saw. Talky, slow-paced and lacking in any amazing action set pieces this one is rightfully obscure and should stay so. The crappy musical interludes and score in general don't help liven things up much. Director Giuliano Carnimeo went on to make a pretty decent giallo called THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS. Watch that instead of this or just go watch some Leone again for good spaghetti action.
I feel like this theme song might actually be good if Nancy Sinatra sang it:
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Stupid 80's slasher with it's most memorable moments coming at the climax when the killer, Farmer Vincent, goes uber-nutso and decides that sticking a pigs head over his own and challenging his brother to a chainsaw duel would be a nifty idea. Beulah Ballbricker from PORKY'S plays Vincents partner in crime which brings to mind the antics of CRAZY FAT ETHEL. The metal/punk band (Ivan & The Terribles) look great with their fake beards but we never get to see them play. There's also a couple of S & M fetish freaks which just tip the scales into ridiculousness. The whole thing comes off as kind of a spoof of THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE since in the 80's, it seems, people couldn't do anything serious without winking at the audience and including stupid jokes in anything horror related.