Monday, January 31, 2011
Roger Corman directed this giant man-eating crabs on the loose epic and it's pretty typical of his other 50's monster flicks. The unique thing about these creatures is that after they eat someone they assimilate their victims brains(sort of like a 50's version of Star Trek's Borg aliens) and can imitate their voices luring new prey into it's crabby clutches. Pretty sneaky for big crabs with huge bug eyes. They also do some neat decapitating and dismembering with their big stupid claws. Fun, goofy flick and it's only about an hour long. Russell Johnson, The Professor from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, is one of the scientists on the island. Originally released on a double-bill with NOT OF THIS EARTH.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Before the Hays Code went into effect in 1934 Hollywood pumped out a bunch of movies like this which contained some morally questionable material for the time. This movie concerns a woman of loose morals who sleeps around and gets involved with a gangster amongst other men. She also has a baby out of wedlock which was shocking at the time. Also a cop gets shot. While this isn't the type of exploitative film I would normally watch I did find it interesting to see what was considered scandalous in 1932. The main actress has a line-delivery style that reminded me of John Waters' star Mink Stole and the fast talking reporter guy seemed like the Carl Denham character from KING KONG but that movie wouldn't come out for another year. Of course in the world of today most of the controversial things presented here wouldn't even be looked at twice. I would recommend this one only to cinema snobs who are hardcore into the classics.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
One of the coolest Lon Chaney Jr. roles. Chaney plays a criminal known as "The Butcher" who gets executed and then accidentally brought back to life. Except now he's an indestructible man who can't be hurt and has super human strength. He basically just goes around kicking ass like the Hulk for most of the movie and getting revenge against his old crime partners who double-crossed him. It's fun to watch the Wolfman fling bodies around and deflect bullets like Superman. Not sure why they made him mute when he comes back though I guess it makes him seem more menacing. The plots pretty straight forward with no surprises but it's still a neat old flick. Features a gangster named Squeemy, some burlesque dancers and other more typical 50's characters.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I don't think I really ever gave much thought to Annabel Chong outside of her being a fairly unattractive Asian who did the first big gang-bang video in porno-land. This documentary seems to try and paint a picture of an intelligent female whose choices reflect some sort of bizzaro-land version of feminism who celebrates her sexuality by being a super slut. Now while I'm hardly an expert on feminism, I suspect that might be a giant load of bullshit. Annabel, aka Grace as we find out her real name is, comes off to me as a disturbed(self-cutter), attention-seeking individual who makes a lot of bad life choices. It also shows what a bottom-of-the barrel, shithole industry porn is(Chong is promised $10,000 for doing 251 guys in a row, she receives nothing). But you hardly need a 90 minute film to illustrate the fact that modern-day porn is a cesspool. Just look at the uncreative, garbage that they spew out on a non-stop basis Maybe if this was about a real actress from porn's golden age it would've held a lot more interest for me.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I will give the filmmakers credit for having the balls to use the word "pedophile" in their title but with a title like that you would think this would be more of an exploitation movie. Perhaps something along the lines of HARD CANDY or some other type of rape/revenge movie. Well boy would you be wrong. There's some nudity and exploitative elements(simulated underage gang rape) but this movie is really just an overly long drawn out artsy-fartsy drama with barely a plot line to follow and whole long stretches with no dialogue and just terrible ponderous soundtrack music. The version I saw of this is almost two hours long. That's way too much to ask of anyone to sit through when all you have going for your film is a shocking title. If however you enjoy watching shaky digital camera footage of a girl in her 20's who can pass for 12 wander around a lot then this is the movie for you. If you like actual movies with stuff like a script and a point, then never ever attempt to watch this piece of boring crap.
For some reason the movie plays out in three parts and they felt the need to individually title each segment:
It's hard to believe this goofy-ass 60's sci-fi monster flick was directed by the same guy who made the amazing, fairly seriously done movie BATTLE ROYAL but it is. Kinji Fukasaku is seemingly a master at a few different genres including the stupid rubber-suit creature variety. This movie doesn't seem Japanese at all and if you don't read the credits you would really have no idea it was. It plays more like an Italian space film from this era although actually it was an Australian/American/Japanese co-production. I suppose some of the monster suits and spaceships could have been leftover from old ULTRAMAN episodes or something and a couple of them ships look strangely like old-time vibrators. This is a film that I loved way back when it played on local TV before they passed some law that nothing fun was allowed to be shown ever again. You kind of think this is going to be a BLOB rip-off but then the creatures grow and end up sorta resembling a gang of SIGMUNDS from SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS fame which I also used to watch on TV before they stopped making shows for kids that were fun and didn't completely brainwash every one of them. There's even one splatter scene where a guy falls on his head and blood flies out which I don't remember from TV. Also features an amazing psychedelic theme song that's only second to the theme from THE BLOB in silliness. Also the shitty Hollywood movie ARMAGEDDON ripped off the first half of this movie where they have to land on an asteroid headed for earth, plant explosives and blow it up. I'll take rubber tentacled monsters over Michael Bay horseshit any day!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Classic little green aliens invasion flick from the golden age of American International Pictures. The weird thing about this one is that the tone of the movie is part comedy/part scary monster invasion. It's almost like they couldn't make up their mind what they wanted to convey. Of course it's hard to make a serious movie when your aliens are ridiculous looking, bulbous headed, bug-eyed little buggers. You get a spaceship that looks pretty snazzy and sleek with blinking lights and all that, a beer drinking, alcoholic bull, a car named Elvis and aliens played by midgets who inject alcohol into their victims with needles that pop out of their hands. There's a sorta gory scene for the 50's where our heroic drunken bull fights an alien and pokes right in it's giant eye with his horn. Frank Gorshin, who went on to play The Riddler on the 60's Batman show, plays a drifter who gets poked to death. Like most of these movies the teenagers are way smarter than the adults(which makes sense since they were the target audience of stuff like this back in the drive-in days). This originally played on a double-bill with I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF. Like a lot of these early AIP pictures Larry Buchanan remade this one as THE EYE CREATURES in '65 for TV. That version is not quite as entertaining. Tim Burton used a pretty similar big-head alien design for his creatures in MARS ATTACKS!. All in all a pretty fun sci-fi comedy to check out on a boring Sunday morning.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
You get a bunch of scenes of animals being killed in this Italian-made mondo flick. It takes us from Africa to South America where we see everything from grubs and spiders to giraffes and elephants get snuffed out and eaten by native folks. There's also a bunch of fake scenes that are supposed to show "magic" in action. Stuff like faith-healing and witch doctor type stuff. Also a little bathing in cow piss and shit as an added attraction. More of a depressing view of mankind than anything all that entertaining plus there are a bunch of better made mondo films out there. The directors, the Castiglioni brothers, would go on to make SHOCKING AFRICA which is even nastier than this. The DVD version I saw of this one on the cheap-ass Woodhaven label is edited down with some sex stuff removed. Why they would remove this I have no idea but it seems all their discs are cut down in one way or another. Assholes.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
German made shot-on-video feature based on the real-life German cannibal Armin Meiwes. This movie seems to exist only to exploit the true shocking story albeit in a pretty artistic way. There's really not much of a plot besides the story of one fucked up guy's desire to eat another equally, if not more, fucked guy and there's minimal dialogue to get in the way of all the gore. The first half plays out like a strange homosexual love story complete with tons of naked cock and balls on display, violent ass fucking and bloody dick biting. You get the predictably graphic castration scene and then a whole long scene of butchery and finally some good old fashioned cannibalism. For a movie with so many disgusting scenes I found it all pretty boring and felt this could have possibly been an interesting short film but 90 minutes was really unnecessary for such a simplistic idea. 30 minutes sounds about right, something like Nacho Cerde's AFTERMATH but with schlong. Well shot for what it is.
Play with them entrails junior!:
Fresh from her career in underage porn Traci Lords went on to do this remake of Roger Corman's tale of aliens looking for blood. Director Jim Wynorski is know for his low-budget breast-filled epics that used show up on late night cable stations. Seems like the perfect pair and you do get nude scenes of Lords and some other massive boobs on display. On the negative side it's a pretty standard 80's movie with nothing surprising happening outside of the amazing opening sequence featuring monster and gore scenes from other Corman movies like HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP and GALAXY OF TERROR. These have nothing at all to do with this movie but make for a great opening nonetheless. I've never seen the original so I can't compare this to that but I would say check it out for the naked hookers if that's your thing. This was remade again in '95 but that one looks pretty awful. Oh and that poster is full of shit. Traci is from the earth and the alien in this just looks like a regular guy with dark glasses.
Best part of the movie besides the tits:
Monday, January 17, 2011
Filipino-made, martial arts-filled, James Bond takeoff flick featuring the amazing kung-fu abilities of Mr. Weng Weng, who is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the shortest man to ever be the star of his own motion picture. This is truly the type of picture that needs to be seen to be believed and is something that could only be made in The Philippines. Standing at a tiny 2'9" and dubbed with a pip-squeaky little voice, Weng elevates this movie from what would have been just another silly kung-fu spoof to something remarkably entertaining. He does all his own stunts which consist of lots of hits to his enemies balls, some nifty acrobatics and a bunch of gun-play. Plus his comedy stylings, peeping on naked ladies, disco dancing or cracking nutty one-liners work great in his portrayal of a mini-James Bond who, of course, is quite the ladies man. The bizarre dubbing and slapstick antics only help to keep me watching what most people would probably label a terrible film but that's their loss. For such a little guy, Weng is reportedly the biggest star to ever come out of the Philippines and I can see why. You can't help but root for this guy. This is actually Weng's 5th film appearance and he went on to do a few more as Agent 00. I'll definitely be looking to find some of his other films.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
An English made giallo-style movie. When the movie starts out you think it's going to be a rip-off of Roger Corman's BUCKET OF BLOOD but then it goes in a different direction. The main story is about a strange artist who doesn't treat his models so nice and is part of an equally strange family that consists of a fat annoying alcoholic son, a slightly off-kilter weapons collector guy and a mom who wears pigtails, dresses like a 5 year old Shirley Temple, carries baby-dolls around and is probably the creepiest of all. People get turned into statues and get murdered in various ways while we try to figure out what's really going on. Most of the reviews I see of this thing online are completely negative but I didn't think this was that bad at all and would recommend it to fans of 70's British films or Italian giallos in general. Modern-day horror fans aren't going to get it, of course, but what makes for an entertaining film to them I have no clue except I think it has something to do with cartoony special F/X that make everything look like a Playstation game, so fuck them right in the eyes. A straight razor shows up, you get the gloved killer plus a twist ending that comes out of left field. Everything except the J & B whiskey really. Me Me Lay who went on to appear in Italian cannibal movies shows up briefly.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Generic forgettable title for a generic forgettable monster movie. John Carradine shows up as a priest and pollution gets blamed for creating the giant, man-eating lake monster. Besides garbage, people also blame sharks for the deaths!? Yes, sharks in a little lake. It just shows you the thought put into the script for this thing. Some kids figure out it's a monster while all the adults are dumb. Then Carradine burns a witch at the stake for some reason which seems like it belongs in another movie entirely and then some stuff blows up and it's all really drawn out and boring. They have the nerve to put a "based on a true story" blurb before the movie. I find it pretty unlikely that a big dinosaur/Loch-Ness monster-looking beast actually hangs out in South America munching on folks but maybe that's just me. This might have been better if it was made back in the 50's when they wouldn't have been trying to emulate JAWS so much and failing so miserably. A.K.A. MONSTROID(what the fuck is a monstroid???)
"An unholy horror!!":
Monday, January 10, 2011
Long Island sexploitation filmmaker Joe Sarno was sort of like a more serious and slightly artsier version of a Dave Friedman or a Doris Wishman. His movies were more often than not set in very Long Island-like suburbs. In this romp he sets up some nice looking shots here and there and shows us some attractive, bee-hived hair-do wearing women getting it on in mostly lesbianistic sex scenes. Except for the black and white scenes of ladies humping and diddling each other with an old-timey huge vibrator this movie has little of interest and plays out as a really boring soap-operatic drama. There is one strange scene where some lesbo-ladies are drinking wine out of huge wine glasses and that's how I drink my wine so that was something. While I'm sure this was all a whole lot more controversial at the time it came out there are surely a lot more enjoyable sex-filled epics of this era.
Sarno talks about his films( I think you could argue about his films having good acting or good plots, especially this one):
Sunday, January 9, 2011
If your any kind of fan of 80's punk rock/hardcore music this is something you need to check out for a time capsule of a couple of bands in that time period. The documentary follows the bands Social Distortion and Youth Brigade on a tour of the U.S. on a shitty old bus. Everything doesn't go as planned, people fight, the bus breaks down and loud music ensues. Things I learned from this: punk rockers in Canada are extra crazy, you can practice stage diving in a swimming pool and Goth chicks were confused with punkers back in the 80's. My favorite band in this whole thing are Minor Threat who get their microphones taken away but still go on with the show anyway just shouting the lyrics extra loudly with help from their fans. That sorta summed up the whole unity idea to me. Going to any show like this today I can't imagine too many people having as much fun as they did back in these days or even getting into it as much. It all seems like a stupid retro fashion show nowadays but what the hell do I know? Everything looks better when you throw some nostalgia on it. I've never been too much into the idea of group-thinking anyway but I suppose if you have to pick a group to belong to, one that at least espouses the ideal of individuality seems better than some. Then there's a segment with Christian punks that seemed really baffling to that whole idea and made no sense. THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION is a better made film in the same genre with much better bands overall but this one's still worth viewing for a quick snapshot of slamdancin' history.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Director Freddie Francis was probably best known for his British horror films made for Hammer and Amicus studios. This one is not really horror although people get murdered by a deranged family it all plays out more like a black comedy. Almost like a classy version of the superior weirdo 60's flick SPIDER BABY. The story concerns two women, Mumsy and Nanny and their "children", Sonny and Girly. The "children" appear to be at least in their 20's and sleep in cribs like babies. Titular Girly dresses like a schoolgirl and tempts unsuspecting men back to the house of her unique family to play some bizarre games. The bad part is that there are lots of rules to follow and if they're not followed precisely the men get "sent to the angels". Worth a look for something out of the ordinary that takes the piss out of the concept of a "happy" family although it might be a bit too stuffy and English for American wankers like me. Interestingly any film prints of this were thought to be lost forever and the VHS was really obscure so it wasn't until 2004 when some version showed up on the internet that it was easily available.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I love old school kung fu flicks and this is one of the best of them by the legendary Shaw Brothers studios. I don't remember catching this on any of the numerous Saturday afternoon Drive In kung fu movie showings on Channel 5 here in New York but that might be because it would have to have been edited quite a bit before airing. The movie starts off before the credits are even done with a mother getting her legs chopped off and her young son getting his hands whacked off! Pretty damn strong opener! From there we see a bunch of people get crippled in revenge for this atrocity which includes a guy getting his legs sliced off, a guy getting his eyes poked out, one fellow gets turned into a moron by having a band tightened around his head and another guy gets hands clapped on his ears which makes him go deaf. Then all those guys get together learn some kick-ass kung fu and seek bloody revenge. It's a god-damned revenge filled cavalcade. There's some awesome weaponry on display which includes iron hands that not only extend like Inspector Gadget but shoot little iron fingers into you like bullets, iron legs that can kick through a man, a big ass hammer and a mace on a chain. This one is probably more commonly known as THE RETURN OF THE 5 DEADLY VENOMS although it's not a sequel to that movie and it was also released as MORTAL COMBAT but it has nothing to do with any video games.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
There are a few movies that use the Richard Speck killings as the basis for their plots. This one is probably one of the more disturbing ones. It's only about a half hour into the film before our lonely, deranged Vietnam vet character is breaking into a nurses dormitory to torture and kill a bunch of young ladies. From there on out it's a long series of sexual degradations, attempted rape, forced lesbianism and ultimately murder. You do get exactly what the title promises, naked nurses and a massacre and that's about it. It sort of plays out like a completely misogynistic, totally bleak version of TAXI DRIVER except Scorsese's film was an artistic meditation on loneliness whereas this seems to be more of a portrait of full-blown insanity and works solely as a shock film. While it does offer enough characterization to make it watchable I'm not sure if there's much of a point to it all.
A.K.A.= BORN FOR HELL
A.K.A.= BORN FOR HELL
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Godzilla started out back in the 50's as a metaphorical monster that embodied the nuclear nightmare that Japan, with the help of some American bombs, knew all too well. The first film was a really serious portrait of disaster and an uncontrollable loss of everything. Of course by the time you get to the 12th sequel, almost 20 years down the road, Godzilla and his cast of zany co-starring monsters have all become these ultra-goofy characters. This one is definitely one of the goofiest and stupidest of the whole series. You get a superhero robot that's an obvious copy of ULTRA-MAN or any of the other giant robots which were super popular with kids in 1970's Japan, a cockroach-looking bad monster with drill hands and another alien monster with hook hands and a buzz-saw in its stomach. Unfortunately you also get an annoying little boy with a high-pitched voice to piss you off. I would only recommend this to people that get off on men in rubber suits wrestling with each other or if, like me, these movies have a really strong nostalgia factor and you enjoy laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Oh, and they never fight on top of the World Trade Center, or even come to America, like the poster promises.
Monday, January 3, 2011
What do you get when you mix really bad 3-D f/x, retarded slapstick action, unattractive people fucking, jokes that would embarrass a 1st grader and an incoherent storyline? You get this obscure 70's porno right here. Added to those charming elements you witness abrasively annoying acting from people saying their lines like a bunch of assholes(imagine The Chipmunks having a conversation with Barney The Dinosaur), a hodge-podge of random things that are thrown at you that give everything this insane chaotic feel(where the fuck did that gorilla come from?). In addition to the brain damage I think I may have suffered trying to follow the plot I feel I may have lost some eyesight due to the horrible double-vision ancient 3-D technology used. Surprisingly not a lot of sex for an adult movie, of course the print I saw was in obvious bad shape so some things might have been missing. John Holmes appears in one fuck scene that seems like it was taken from a different movie, also Joey Silvera shows up briefly but isn't listed in the credits. While I can't give this a good review as a film I will say that I am glad to have experienced a true 3-D porn flick in a real theater if for no other reason than to say I did it.
This trailer, in true exploitation style, is way better than the whole movie:
Saturday, January 1, 2011
"Kneel down, and prepare to receive the holy gaynigger seed!"
That's got to be one of the greatest titles ever! This is a strange short film made in Denmark that basically spoofs STAR TREK as well as 50's sci-fi flicks in general. Features a cast of 5 gay black men on a mission to rid the universe of "female creatures" and make it safe for gay men everywhere. According to this movie there are only about 5 women on the planet Earth that need to be eliminated before we become a perfect male society. The film is in black and white up until the final "homosexual utopia" scene at the end. They steal music from SHAFT and LOVE STORY cuz that's what you do when your budget is all spent on snazzy matching 70's spaceman outfits. Yes, it is completely sexist and racist(Chinese women are especially maligned) but I can't imagine anyone taking something this ridiculous very seriously. Check it out for something very bizarre that might give you a chuckle.
I generally love me some nature gone amok action and I also like to ogle cute Japanese chicks in my spare time. This movie does have both of those things and somehow it still manages to not be totally awesome. The main problem might be that the total amount of naked boobs on display comes out to exactly zero. No nudity, no real gore unless you count some nasty looking stings and worst of all computerized, cartoon-looking bees! Are real bees that hard to find in Japan that you have to make a bunch of little Honey Nut Cheerios mascots? The movie also looks way too glossy and more like a TV show than anything cinematic which doesn't help at all. Might be slightly suspenseful if you're allergic to bees but I'm gonna say this one is a big waste of time and completely stupid. There are at least 4 other movies with this same title. The one from the 70's has to be better.