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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

THE INVISIBLE MAN (1933)


 I never really considered The Invisible Man to be up there with the other classic Universal studios monsters.  I mean he's not really even a monster, is he? He's just a crazy invisible guy(although he does seem pretty strong when he starts tossing cops around).  Didn't seem nearly as amazingly awesome to me as a kid as watching the Wolf Man or Frankenstein lurking about.  On top of that this isn't even really a horror film, it's science-fiction but because of when it was made it's lumped in with the other more monstrous characters from Hollywood's golden age.  With that being said though I do find this an entertaining flick by FRANKENSTEIN director James Whale.  It's nowhere near that one or his classic BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN but just the fact that you have a naked, crazy-ass fellow running around and screwing with society makes this one worth checking out.
 The one major complaint I have with this movie is the old screechy-voiced woman played by Una O'Connor.  I hate her and her whole stupid comic-relief act.  While Whale did use her in BRIDE it seems like she gets a lot more screen-time here or maybe she's just extra-specially annoying.  Either way I would have rated this movie a lot higher if she was killed in the first five minutes.  On the positive side computer graphics didn't exist yet so the FX in this movie are awesome also Claude Rains is pretty spectacular since he has to convey almost everything using his voice alone.

BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES: THE CURSE OF ED WOOD (2003)


Yes, sometimes I'll watch a movie just because I like the title. Lots of times that doesn't end well. This time it didn't even start well. This New Jersey shot-on-video shitfest starts out with some douchebag in a graveyard trying to raise the spirit of Ed Wood to help him make a movie. He coulda used a lot of help. From there on out you get endless random scenes of people walking around while bad rock music plays. Then there's a soft-core lesbian scene. The gals have nice bodies and all but are probably two of the most annoyingly bad actresses you'll find also lesbian porn is usually not the most exciting kind of porn to me. It's almost always so boring! Then more random shots. Fuck! This whole movie is filled with time-wasting random shots of nothing! Then there's more even less attractive lesbians! Yikes! Fat S & M lesbians! Yuck!  Finally Muffy The Vampire Slayer shows up. Oh boy.  Why does it have barely legal in the title? None of these women look like they're under 30! It's also pretty insulting to have Ed Wood's name attached to this in any way since even his worst movies were a million times more entertaining than anything going on here. I think they were trying to make a sexy horror/comedy thing but it really just plays out like the world's worst soft-core lesbo porn flick you could imagine. Might be of interest if you like watching goth/vampire-chicks hump each other while covered in fake-looking blood and you like fast forwarding a lot but even then I'm sure you could find something better.

There will be butts:

Monday, January 30, 2012

DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN (1987)


By the time you get to DEATH WISH 4 you know exactly the formula you're gonna get. Anyone that's close to Bronson will get killed and possibly raped if they're not lucky and that's just gonna piss Charlie off(you think he would sorta be used to it by now?) and then it's revenge time. This tries to throw in a few new wrinkles by having Chuck take on drug kingpins(complete with the expected heavy-handed anti-drug message) and there's a couple of double crosses and people playing both sides of the law and that kind of thing but it eventually all plays out how you think it will. Bronson also seems to be getting a little too old for the role of Paul Kersey by this time but that didn't stop him from coming back for Part 5 seven years later. None of these sequels even come close to the original but they're all good if you're in the mood for dumb, cheesy action flicks with one of the few men on the planet that could still seem to be a bad-ass, ass-kicker well on into his 60's.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

STAR CRASH (1978)

Capitalizing on the mega-success of STAR WARS a year earlier the Italians started pumping out their own much more cheaply done versions of the space opera. Without fail they're all pretty stupid and silly time-wasters watchable by only the most non-discriminating shitty movie fans.
 This one might have been one of the 1st made and it stars Caroline Munro, who did a couple of Hammer films and a James Bond film previously, and, as the heroic Stella Star, she's probably the main reason to watch this as she runs around in a bikini and other more ridiculous outifts throughout the movie. If that's not enough though you also get David Hasselhoff and for me the weirdest thing is seeing Joe Spinell, star of the slasher flick classic MANIAC, as the main evil bad guy complete with absurd science-fictiony evil overlord outfits and a great goat-tee.  Horrible acting, stupid Lite-Brite star FX, a supery hammy hero and everything you would expect from a dumb rip-off.  Check it out if you can handle something extra ridiculous.
And just so you know this isn't even the stupidest of the Spaghetti STAR WARS rip-offs, that on is probably SPACE ODYSSEY which I used to own on DVD and have long since given away to make sure I never see it again. 

Prepare to be hurled:

GALAXINA (1980)


 Pretty much everything I know about Dorothy Stratten I learned from the movie STAR 80.  So watching this sci-fi/comedy rip-off of BARBARELLA it's hard not to feel pretty sad for the gal who plays the title role here and hard to find any laughs.  It's also not really that funny of a movie but even if it was hilarious knowing that the star was brutally raped and  murdered by her scumbag husband wouldn't really put too many people in a giggly mood.  To add to the downer vibe you get the feeling watching this that Stratten very likely could have been a big star if that whole death thing didn't get in the way.  She certainly seems to do a better job than most of the other actors in here who all seem just overly goofy but I guess when your character is named Captain Butt you don't try very hard.
 As well as BARBARELLA, with the main character being a robot lady instead of just a sexy Earth-woman, the main thing this steals from is, of course, STAR WARS, which had just changed motion pictures a few years earlier.  In fact whole sequences just seem like the bar scene from that movie with even wackier alien life-forms hanging out and being wacky.
 It's too bad this is one of only a few movies Stratten was in and it gives me that same feeling that I get when watching anything with Sharon Tate.  I guess hot murdered women do that to ya if you have any sort of a soul left.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

HOLLYWOOD HIGH PART II (1981)


 I'm not sure if I've ever seen the first HOLLYWOOD HIGH but it was made back in 1976 and this sequel definitely feels more like a 70's teen sex comedy than anything from the 80's. What you get in this one is about the most basic example of a teen sex comedy there is. At first look I thought none of the people involved were particularly attractive-looking which is kind of an important thing when viewing a movie where people are running around in bikinis and getting into sexual hi-jinks but they do look a lot better once they get naked so maybe it's just the horrible outfits. The other thing that throws me off is I'm not sure if the cast is made up of really bad actors or actual mentally challenged people. It could just be the way they read their lines but at least one of these gals seems like a genuine retard to me. You also get scenes of an annoying bumbling cop that end up in BENNY HILL-esque chase sequences and really awful long shots of 27 year old teenagers frolicking about with an even more awful grating soundtrack playing. There are some halfway decent boobs on display and that's really the only thing that makes this one at all entertaining. I would say unless you're desperate pass on this one and watch something like PORKY'S or my personal fav THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN for a sexy 80's good time that's also an actual good film.

These chicks from the DVD cover are nowhere to be found in this flick.  Sneaky ass DVD companies!:

Friday, January 27, 2012

AMANDA BY NIGHT (1981)


 I've seen this movie referred to as an adult version of the Jane Fonda movie KLUTE but I've never seen that one so I can't say how close this is.  I have read that was a big inspiration and the basic plot, about prostitutes getting murdered, is similar.  What I do know for sure is what you get here is probably one of the most well made XXX movies ever.  The acting is all around good, the story about prostitutes being murdered is engaging and the sex scenes make sense and don't feel completely shoehorned in as they often times do in movies like this.
 Our two main characters are played by Veronica Hart and cult Eurotrash movie fav Robert Kerman and this movie really shows them at their best.  Packed with greats from the olden days of porn like Ron Jeremy(who has a standout rape scene with Lee Carroll), Jamie Gillis(as a sleazy hitman named Friday), Lisa DeLeeuw and a bunch more.  I particularly thought Samantha Fox, as a heroin shooting strung out junkie whore, really added a lot to the grittiness on display.  A great movie to show to someone that epitomizes why it was called the golden age of adult films.
 The director Robert McCallum a.k.a. Gary Graver went on to make a bunch more XXX flicks on into the late 1990's but I doubt he ever topped this one. 


Oh Ron, you were so svelte back then!:

Thursday, January 26, 2012

THE NIGHT OF A THOUSAND CATS (1972)



 Hugo Stiglitz stars here as a woman-killing psycho, named Hugo, who grinds up his victims and feeds them to his cats.  He also keeps their heads in glass jars for some reason.  I had only seen Stiglitz play the good-guy/hero role in stuff like CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD and CEMETERY OF TERROR before so this was something different for him.  I mean it would have been something different if Hugo acted any differently but after watching this I'm starting to think Mr. Stiglitz is not such a great actor since he doesn't really do anything which would give you a clue that he's playing a nutso strangle-happy guy.  He does fly around in a helicopter a lot which seems like a strange way to stalk women but hey whatever works for ya.  There's also a big burly henchman named Dorgo which reminds me of MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE and then I feel better that I'm watching this crappy movie instead of that one.
 One strange thing, among many, in this movie is why a guy who we see treating his cats like shit(he chucks one over  a fence like it's a piece of trash and drowns one in a pool) keeps a thousand of them at his place.  I guess he just digs watching them eat.  Perhaps this is answered in the uncut 90 minute version.  I've only seen the American DVD which is just over 1 hour long so I imagine there's quite a bit missing here.
 Made in Mexico and directed by bad-movie legend Rene Cardona Jr. this movie is also known as BLOOD FEAST which seems like a horrible title for a movie featuring a guy that just chokes out his victims but I suppose the cats do get a blood feast of sorts.
 I would recommend this only if you're a big fan of trashy Mexisploitation cinema since it does get pretty monotonous after awhile(and that's only the hour-long cut!). You would be better of just watching  Rene's more exciting NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES which he made with his dad a few years before for superior bloody south of the border thrills.

Free burial insurance!  Good deal:

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES TO WASHINGTON (1977)


Joey Heatherton takes over the title role as Xaviera Hollander and the first thing you notice is she's completely lost her Dutch accent and seems nothing like the character from the first film. Then things get weird. Going into this expecting it to be a continuation of the first movie you're in for quite a shock as you quickly realize that they replaced most of the dramatic elements with slapstick comedy and endless cameos of TV stars of the past. It starts off with Joe E. Ross from CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU?, then you get Rip Taylor as a photographer, then the dad from LAVERNE & SHIRLEY, Ray Walston from MY FAVORITE MARTIAN, the general from I DREAM OF JEANIE, the guy from F-TROOP, Odd-Job from the James Bond movies, legendary midget-actor Billy Barty and those were just the ones I recognized. The list goes on and on. I was happy to see one of my favorite character actors, Mr. Sydney Lassick as a government-employed TV censor but even he couldn't save what is really a hodgepodge mess of a film. There's 70's commercial-spoofs thrown in for no real reason and I would have thought they were trying to go for a sort of AIRPLANE! satire-movie vibe except that movie didn't exist yet. Also the movie tries to shoehorn in a stupid plot about The Happy Hooker being put on trial for being immoral but these bits in-between all the silly chaos going on ends up with a jarring feeling and none of it works much at all. I think if I made this sequel I woulda went the complete opposite direction and made it a hard-edged thriller with crazy sex-hi-jinks but at least we get more boobs popping out in this than the first and that's about all I can say that's positive about it.


BRIDE OF THE GORILLA (1951)


 You get Raymond Burr, starring here, as an unruly worker who ends up killing a guy and getting a curse put on him by an old witch-lady.  Naturally she turns him into a big murderous gorilla because that's what you want to do to angry guys, give them the strength of an ape.  Obviously this movie is pretty nonsensical  all around and the gorilla suit looks really fake as it almost always did in these old horror and jungle flicks.  This also really doesn't work as a very good horror film at all since nothing is very tense or frightening.Woody Strode has a small part as a police officer and Lon Chaney Jr. is also here as a police chief and it's kinda weird seeing him in a good guy role for once in his career.  Chaney doesn't have as big of a role as you might expect from seeing his name in big letters on the poster and it's really Burr's picture.  The director of this, Curt Siodmak, is way better known as a writer of some of the  Universal classic monster flicks(most famously THE WOLF MAN) and a bunch of other classics, maybe he shoulda stuck to writing.
 I own this flick on a cheap-ass VHS as well as DVD just because it's part of a gorilla movie box-set and generally I am a fan of simian-cinema though this one is really down towards the bottom of the barrel.

Monday, January 23, 2012

CAT PEOPLE (1982)


 It's nice that in the 80's the remakes they made were at least remakes of old movies and not things that had just been made a year or two before like they do now. Being a big fan of the original 40's CAT PEOPLE I had to check this one out.  Also being a fan of the works of director Paul Schrader(HARDCORE) I figured this one couldn't be that terrible but unfortunately it's not very good.  The main problem I had is the pacing of the movie is really ponderous and hard to get through with your eyes open.  It is a beautifully shot film and the the sets and stylistic choices look really nice, unfortunately it takes so long for stuff to happen that you lose interest pretty quickly.  There is one gory scene where Ed Begley Jr. gets his arm ripped right off by a panther which was the highlight for me and it was nice that we get lots of totally naked Nastassja Kinski but that wasn't enough to make me choose a nice nap over ever watching this again.  As is usually a good rule stick with the original formula.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975)

 The 70's rating system was a strange creature.  Films full of bloody murders(BLOOD AND LACE) would oftentimes get a PG-rating and then movies like this one would come along and get rated R strictly for the sexy subject matter.  Surprisingly there's little actual nudity in a film that's all about a woman's journey through the world of prostitution and finally ending up becoming a world famous madam.  It's all based on a best-selling book at the time so maybe due to the infamy of it all they had to keep the kiddies away.
 The film itself, to me, plays almost like a TV-movie drama and not so much an exploitation flick which you might expect.  It is probably the only movie where you can see Lynn Redgrave dancing around in her underwear before going on to becoming a more respectable actress so that's something.  It's interesting that the 2 big high-profile madams after Xaviera Hollander(the Mayflower Madam and Heidi Fleiss) only got TV-movies made about their exploits and that kind of makes sense since it is all really a big TV-tabloid kind of a story anyway. I did like the all-black gang of bad-ass street hookers that we meet in a holding cell, it's too bad the movie wasn't about those chicks.  The other thing that kind of lets you down while viewing is that the plot never really goes anywhere and if you know the basic story of The Happy Hooker you know just about everything that you'll see here.  Check it out only if you're a big fan of high-priced escorts.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

PENITENTIARY (1979)


I've viewed all the movies in the PENITENTIARY trilogy back in the VHS days and I remember little bits and pieces from each one. Don't ask me what scene is from which movie though since they've all kinda blurred together in my mind. I know Mr. T is in part 2 and I know there's a midget called "The Big Thump" or something like that in part 3 but the only thing I recalled from the first one was that it was the obviously lowest-budgeted of them all so upon viewing this again recently it was almost like watching a completely new film. This must be what Alzheimer's disease is like. What a joy it will be to watch TAXI DRIVER all fresh again when I'm 87 years young.
Being on a low-budget definitely works in this films favor giving it a more gritty and dirty look and making it seem like a place you never want to end up especially if you're a white guy since about 95% of the inmates here are black fellows and from what I know of prison life racism is still very popular there.
Most people would probably rate the Sean Penn movie BAD BOYS as the best example of a men-in-prison film but I would put this series over that just for my personal love of the exploitation elements present and you're just in for a better time watching it. It's interesting that this movie played in grindhouse as well as arthouse theaters upon it's initial release. I guess the more dramatic scenes with the wise old black trainer do add a little deeper meaning than your typical sweaty guys shanking each other flick but not enough to distract from the more sleazy parts. Even if this first part is the least memorable it's still a fun watch for some jailhouse brawling action. You also get the expected man-on-man action and that includes some off-screen ass-raping. Also a boxing movie is mixed in for added manly thrills. Also look for Porky from PORKY'S as the sweaty rotund warden which is a perfect role for him really.


I love how a funky rock band just starts jamming in the prison yard. Reality maybe wasn't the strongest aspect of this film:

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

INVADERS FROM MARS (1953)


 If there's another movie that screams "THIS IS THE 1950's!!" louder than this one I have no idea what that could be. It's the classic tale of Martians invading the Earth and it all revolves around a little kid. It's also got the same kinda premise as INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, which came out a few years later, where people's bodies are being taken over by the alien menace and it's up to our non-conformist hero to save the day. Of course this is a common theme in 50's sci-fi and is usually chalked up to the anti-communist ideas of the day. The Mars-men suits look pretty silly by the standards of today(just looks like they're wearing some indoor/outdoor carpeting but the ping-pong ball eyes are a nice touch) and the little head Martian(who's really just a head in a glass bubble) still looks pretty cool. Apparently that role was played by a creepy little midget lady. Midgets always spruce films up.
There are two different endings to this classic depending on if you're watching the American release(it was all a dream) or the alternate European cut(that shit really happened!). I think the dream-ending one is a little bit of a cop-out as it usually is but overall the film would probably work way better if you're a little kid with an imagination or just a classic sci-fi fan who doesn't mind some clunky FX and a kid who can be annoying at times as most kids are. Look for Barbara Billingsley(June Cleaver from LEAVE IT TO BEAVER) as a secretary in one scene.
There's a rumor that this was originally shot to be shown in 3-D and the title sequence looks like it's coming right at ya but apparently this is a false rumor.
This was remade in 1986 by Tobe Hooper starring Karen Black and I remember it not being that terrible back when I originally saw it but it's been a long time.

WHY? WHY? WHY?  Could Happen.. but probably not:

Sunday, January 15, 2012

DEADLY WEAPONS (1974)


 This movie is great in a lot of ways because it's all about a woman(Chesty Morgan) who has enormous boobs that she uses as the titular "Deadly Weapons". Yes she suffocates men between the 2 massive mounds of tit-flesh she possesses. It's also a completely bizarre film due to it being filmed by the legendary Doris Wishman. Her style of shooting random objects comes into play along with strange overdubbing of people's voices and a plot that seems to have been written by a young kid obsessed with breasts. It's also a bit weird that a soft-core sex movie which I'm assuming was supposed to have been a turn-on for the gentlemen who saw this originally in the theater is about the most un-erotic thing you could ever let yours eyes behold. The main problem here is our star Miss Chesty always seems so miserable and I guess I would be too if I had to lug around ridiculously huge melons like hers all day. I think she smiles maybe once or twice throughout the whole film which makes me think filming this wasn't the happiest event of her life. In addition to the negative vibes you might pick up on, the potato-shaped Chesty isn't exactly a beauty pageant winner either and the outfits they put her in are amazing awful examples of what I'm guessing was maybe fashionable for a 1920's burlesque show and even that's a little doubtful. The outrageousness of it all does prevail as you get a stupid plot about mobsters and Chesty's revenge for them killing her boyfriend. You also get DEEP THROAT star Harry Reems as one of the tough guy baddies and a little blood here and there. Worth a look just for it's unbelievability if not anything else.
 There was another Wishman flick the same year(most likely filmed at the same time) called DOUBLE AGENT 73 where Morgan gets a camera implanted in one boob and becomes a top-heavy secret agent.

NEW WAVE HOOKERS (1986)


 The 80's were a decade when porn was steadily on the decline.  Shooting on video took over and films were dying off due to the comparable expenses involved.  Despite this The Dark Brothers churned out some memorable titles in this decade, two that I recall most vividly are LET ME TELL YA BOUT WHITE CHICKS and this one here.  It seems that the brothers style of script-writing consisted of throwing random elements into a hat and picking them out.  How else would you explain Jamie Gillis playing a Japanese punk rock pimp and another guy who is half dog/half telephone?  It's these random scatterbrained elements that make this throwback to the VHS age such an interesting watch.
 There seems to be at least 3 different versions of this movie floating around.  The original one features an underage Traci Lords, this one, at least here in America is technically illegal.  The second version has Traci replaced on the video box with Ginger Lynn and Lords scene cut out and the 3rd is a weird one with all the racist dialogue cut out.  Did I mention this movie is jam-packed with racist moments? You get Mr. Gillis calling his partner(played by the guy who also played the black guy "Sticks" on HAPPY DAYS) a negro(in a super-exaggerated Japanese stereotypical accent) constantly amongst other politically incorrect moments.  I guess upon later release they didn't want a stupid filthy nonsensical porn featuring people selling women's bodies to offend any sensitive viewers?  I was lucky enough to catch this playing in a crazy little theater recently and it was worth trekking out of my basement of doom for.
 There were 5 sequels throughout the 90's which didn't really have anything to do with the original story and a sorta remake/homage in 2006 called NEU WAVE HOOKERS.  I might check those out if I didn't already know that more modern-day porn is for the most part a complete waste of time.

Cool opening song by the band The Plugz:

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

STREETWISE (1984)


 Documentary about messed-up kids living on the streets in Seattle back in the 80's.  Not a scripted movie, there's no narration like a typical doc and you as the viewer are just given a little view into the lives of some pretty unfortunate young people.  Everything is told from their point of view.  14 year old prostitutes, suicidal runaways, dumpster-diving degenerates and your more typical hopeless human throwaways.  I recall watching this movie on PBS years ago and it works well as liberal propaganda to show how messed up our society is on the bottom rungs.  Not having any particular political agenda myself I just enjoyed seeing the spotlight on a segment of society that most comfortable Americans would rather never think about.  Reality in general seems to bore most middle-class folks as they submerge themselves in their fake "reality-TV" and make-believe "news" programs.  Things like this would play all the time if TV really meant anything but anyone who bothers to think about it knows that isn't the case.
 I was curious about the one older pot-smokin' hippie-looking guy, Jack. that hung out with one of the little kids.  His story was never really told except for saying he was a guy you could trust.  I guess he was too old to focus on in this but I kinda wanted the camera to follow him around.
 The director of this, Martin Bell, went on to make a more Hollywood-ized/"real movie" version of this called AMERICAN HEART with Eddie Furlong but I doubt it would be nearly as interesting.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972)


 Director Charles B. Pierce was a bit of a trend-setter with THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN in '76 which was an early slasher type flick and this one which kind of sets down the blueprint for the whole pseudo-documentary thing that became popular with THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. In addition to that it's also an early example of a Bigfoot movie which became quite a popular genre throughout the rest of 70's. He smartly used a bunch of non-actors and shot in a fairly straight-forward documentary style with reenactments of supposedly actual events which only adds to the realism. It also reminds me a bit of that show IN SEARCH OF... which it also predates.
The monster itself is technically not a Bigfoot since he lives in the swamps of Arkansas and seems more soggy but their aren't many differences besides that. The movie itself seems a bit over long since there's really no plot and just a bunch of little scenes of monster shenanigans but it is a fun spooky watch and I do recall catching this when I was younger on a TV showing and being a little creeped out by the whole thing thanks to the overall atmosphere created. My favorite scene has got to be the guy trying to take a shit until the old bog monster interrupts him. The main negative for me would be the terrible folk-songs that pop up during the movie that could have cut down that running time a bunch.
Amazingly this movie was a huge box-office hit and packed drive-ins all over for a while after it was released. It was also the 7th highest grossing movie of 1976 which is incredible for something that looks like it was shot in someone's swampy, woodsy backyard. It was truly the time of real independent film-making where anyone with enough guts to try and make a movie had a shot. Too bad those days are long gone.
There was a RETURN TO BOGGY CREEK in '77 which didn't really have anything to do with this one and a BOGGY CREEK II in '85 also directed by Pierce, which I've only seen on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER and it seemed pretty awful. There's also a couple of more recent BOGGY CREEKS(including this piece of crap here: BOGGY CREEK) but I'm gonna stick with the original.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

HOUSE OF WAX (1953)


 Vincent Price plays the sort of role that he would become famous for in what is one of the most gimmicky horror flicks of the 50's. The fact that this was shot in 3-D is shoved in your face constantly(which woulda seemed way cooler if I was watching it in 3-D). There's stuff flying at your face, everything from battle mace's to rubber-balls, and seemingly a commercial for the 3-D process right in the middle of the movie as someone starts talking to the audience telling them to watch out for his bouncy balls and whatnot.  I do recall them showing this along with CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON on TV a lot back when they would do those 3-D TV specials back when I was a kid.  I was always more of a fan of the Creature since he was a way cooler monster and I guess I still feel the same way.  I also feel like this movie is specifically made to be viewed in a theater and watching it in any other way loses a great deal.  There was even an intermission in the DVD version that I viewed recently.
 So check this out if you get the chance to see it the way God intended or if you're just a big Vincent Price fan.  It's also got Mr. Charles Bronson in one of his earliest roles as a mute henchman  named Igor so that's something to see right there.
 This was remade in 2005 but all I remember from that one was that Paris Hilton gets killed in a pretty brutal way and there was an actual house made entirely of wax.  Like the screenwriters said "hey man let's take the title literally and make a house of wax!"- fucking idiots!  Also technically this 50's version is a remake of a 1930's flick called THE MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM which had Fay Wray in it.  I've never seen that one but I'm sure it's better than that new shit.

The most ballyhoo-packed trailer ever!:

Friday, January 6, 2012

THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF (1962)


 Director Jess Franco is up there among my favorite directors of cult and oddball cinema. Of course watching his movies is always a gamble since they range from amazingly strange oddball classics(like this one) to stuff that is almost non-view-able(like his newer shot-on-video stuff) to everything in-between but they almost always have that touch of sleazy, jazz-fueled madness that Franco is infamous for. The guy has made almost 200 films so there's still a ton of stuff I've never seen and probably never will have the chance to but I imagine if I ever did manage to see all his movies some great puzzle would be solved and I would finally "get it" or maybe my brain and eyeballs would just melt-away in a puddle of cinematic sewage. Either way I'm sure it would be unforgettable.
Franco had directed a few films before this one but it's his earliest flick that I've seen and the one I always think of as kicking off his long road through low-brow sleazeball cinema history. It's really just a take-off on Franjus's EYES WITHOUT A FACE which came out 2 years earlier but less artsy and with added nudity(if you watch the uncut version) and a more Universal monster movie vibe. The titular Dr. Orloff(whose name is taken from Bela Lugosi's character in THE HUMAN MONSTER) is played by Howard Vernon(who Franco would reuse in loads of similar roles) and he's naturally obsessed by the idea of grafting a new face onto his scarred daughter by using the skin of local barroom whores. Orloff is assisted by a strange cock-eyed blind man named Morpho who helps Orloff by biting his abducted victims on the neck to subdue them. He also gets to do all the heavy lifting. There's also an ex-lover of Orloff's/maid character who is the only one who treats Morpho like the sweet boy he is under that gruff monster exterior. All the weird characters that pop up add to the offbeat feeling that this movie has from a local town lunatic to a drunk that looks like Chico Marx. It all adds up to what I really think is Franco's high-point as far as telling a straight forward story before his filmography nose-dived into some very off the wall concotions and his obsessions with zoom-lens and hairy pubic areas consumed him. Mr. Jess would go on to use this same plot in at least 4 or 5 very similar movies over the years but check out his first attempt for a true Euro-horror classic complete with a KING KONG ending.

Do you like to quiver and quake?:

Monday, January 2, 2012

HARD TIMES (1975)



 This is probably one of my favorite Charles Bronson flicks because he's basically playing a bad ass throughout the whole movie.  He's a guy who doesn't say too much and does his talking with his fists.  This, of course, would go on to define Bronson throughout most of the rest of his career.  Directed by Walter Hill(his first movie) who would go on to make THE WARRIORS and starring James Coburn and Martin Strother this one is well-acted and really well done all around for a film with a pretty simple plot-line about street-fighting and being a tough guy with honor and all that.    It's sort of an earlier, grittier version of ROCKY really.  Also appearing in a main villain role is a bald headed fellow named Robert Tessier who would go on to play Mr. Clean in commercials.  So if you ever wanted to see a fight between Mr. Bronson and Mr. Clean here's your big chance.

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980)



 This movie is great because what you get is basically an old-fashioned 50's style monster movie updated to the 80's with nudity and rape-happy mutant fish-men. According to this flick bad salmon causes fish to turn into horny humanoids and it all starts off with a bang as a kid gets killed and a boat explodes.  From there a dog gets throttled to death and it just gets nastier as we go on.  One of the weirdest things in this whole movie is probably the part where a ventriloquist gets killed and the eyes of his dummy keep moving back and forth like he was some kinda haunted evil dummy.  Unfortunately he never returns to battle the fish-people in a big devil-dummy Vs. killer walking-fish showdown.
 I've seen a lot of comparisons between this and THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and I guess I can see that but this movie will never be thought of as the classic CREATURE is and it's also like 10 times as nasty as that 50's movie ever was.  This was made for Roger Corman's New World Pictures company and there are rumors that Corman had  additional scenes of gore and rape filmed when he wasn't happy with the finished product from female director Barbara Peters.  It certainly made the movie a lot less dull to me.(IMDB lists two directors because of this)
 A remake was done by cable channel Showtime in 1996 using some footage from the original but cutting out most of the sex and violence.  I guess this was because movies weren't allowed to be very exciting in the 90's.  Great job Showtime, now I'll never watch that.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

HOSTEL PART III (2011)


I know it's popular among many horror fans to hate anything in the "torture-porn" genre and I do hate the SAW movies(at least the first one and what little bits I've seen of the others) but I never had a problem with these HOSTEL movies. I caught the first two in the theater and thought they were entertainingly stupid movies obviously made by a horror fan. I know it's also popular to rag on director Eli Roth but I don't know the guy personally and don't really care if he's an asshole or not. I'm sure there are lots of movies I like that were made by complete assholes.
This direct to DVD sequel isn't directed by Mr. Roth but by Scott Spiegel who slasher movie fans will remember as making the killer-in-a-supermarket flick THE INTRUDER and he's worked a lot with Sam Raimi so I guess that gives him some kinda horror cred there. There are a few problems with this movie, first the only hostel in the movie isn't even the main setting and is gone before the story even gets going, second one is that it takes places in Las Vegas which changes the whole feel of the series and finally there's a death by cgi cockroaches scene which might be one of the stupidest ways I've ever seen anyone die in a movie. There's also a rip-off of a gore scene from TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2. But in saying that, even if it doesn't fit right in with the other two films, I enjoyed it for what it was, which was another stupid movie full of stupid characters being captured, tortured and killed(modern day version of a slasher flick really). They throw a few twists into the expected formula, some of which don't make much sense if you think about them too hard, but at least they made the effort to try something slightly different. Hopefully this is the last in this series though since I think the whole "torture-horror" thing seems more dated than ever at this point.