THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975)

There's really only one giant spider in this invasion and god is it a fucking silly looking thing.  It looks like a hairy Thanksgiving day float that they added some absurd giant pipe-cleaner legs to.  It doesn't help that the thing moves about as slow as a turtle and never seems to be in any way capable of catching anyone.  So you mostly get a bunch of smaller hairy tarantulas and a couple of hand puppet-sized ones that look like they escaped from The Muppet Show.  The creatures are supposed to be from outer space so maybe that explains their strange appearance. A pretty silly movie that seems even sillier since it stars, as the bumbling sheriff, Mr. Alane Hale Jr. Yes, the skipper from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND is our comedy relief but really most of the movie is comedy relief.  Besides our sitcom king we get a whole town full of redneck stereotypes to laugh at.  A good waste of time if you're in the mood for some stupid giant monster action.

MONSTER A GO-GO (1965)

Even the ads for this mock it.  You would expect more from a movie that was directed by two people, one of which being the great H.G. Lewis, but it still sucks.  Everything from the terribly recorded sound to the monster, who's just a tall guy with some bad skin who hugs people to death.  The story is kind of like a really crappy version of  THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON where a scientist is exposed to radiation and becomes monster-ish. There's some go-go-ing teens and some random voice-over narration but mostly just scientists gabbing on endlessly.  Overall there's just not much to recommend this movie for, as it's about as dull as clipping your toenails.  Watch Lewis' gore movies instead or just go trim your nails.   

At least the music is groovy:

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (1981)

"I don't give a fuck about your war... or your president."

John Carpenter was one of the best directors throughout the 1980's.  It's too bad the quality of his movies went on a pretty sharp decline as that decade ended.  This one was made right in his best period and although it's not a horror film it's still one of my favs.  I've seen it at least 10 times now and I always find it entertaining.  There's not a whole lot of other action type films I could say that about.  The strength is in the amazing cast.  Of course you have Kurt Russell doing his cool mother-fucker anti-hero act, Donald Pleasence as the president, Isaac Hayes as the bad-ass bad guy, plus Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Tom Atkins and Adrienne Barbeau's awesome cleavage!  On top of that you have a simplistic but highly effective soundtrack by Carpenter.  If you forget the crappy sequel I think this one still holds up, especially when compared to the sorry excuses for entertainment that current action films are. 

THE POM POM GIRLS (1976)

A pretty much plot-less look at high school hi-jinks in the 1970's.  Stars a young Robert Carradine as a wild and crazy hot-roddin', football playin', horny school kid.  He steals this other dude's girlfriend and they fight throughout the movie.  Also some pranks are pulled on a rival school, there's a food fight and we actually do have a couple of scenes with girls and pom-poms.  A really lighthearted film that never even approaches anything serious and can be amusing if you're in the right mood for it.  The main downside of this thing is the lack of nudity.  I'm not sure if the DVD I have is some PG-rated version or not but it was quite lacking in the boob department which is not what you would expect from a movie like this. The other bad thing is cult movie fan favorite Rainbeaux Smith is pretty much wasted in a small role.  The ending is straight out of REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE with the big chicken race and even that is pulled off with only the slightest tease of any real tragedy happening.

THE BRICK DOLLHOUSE (1967)

Even producer Dave Friedman calls this one a piece of crap, so who am I to disagree?  It's thankfully under 60 minutes long, in crisp color and contains some O.K. looking naked ladies for the time it was made in.  Besides that there's really not much else going on.  They tack on a murder mystery plot but that's just an excuse for a bunch of nudie flashbacks.  There are a lot better examples of the sexploitation genre than this one and luckily the DVD this comes on from Something Weird has 2 of them.

PHASE IV (1974)

Super smart ants vs. scientists in the desert.  The poster says they get all wise from alien interference but I'm pretty sure in the movie it's more of an ecological thing.  Then again a lot of stuff is left up to the viewer to figure out.  A good example of serious 70's sci-fi and it really straddles the fence between art film and exploitation.  In many parts it feels like your watching a nature documentary.  Slow moving but well done though it does have a weird-ass ending that also doesn't explain a whole lot.  I miss the days when science fiction was as nihilistic in tone as this.  Almost everything now is just a stupid action movie dressed up as sci-fi.  Thanks STAR WARS!  If you have an ant-phobia this might be the scariest movie ever.

PSYCHO SHARK (2009)

You would think that a movie named PSYCHO SHARK might be full of people getting eaten by a shark.  Or at the very least the threat of being eaten by a shark.  Unfortunately you would be wrong.  For the first hour there's nothing but some large breasted Japanese girls frolicking on the beach.  While that's nice to watch even that becomes boring after an hour and then we get a psycho guy who stabs gals and feeds them to a shark.  So the movie coulda just as truthfully been called PSYCHO GUY but the shark does finally show up in the last few minutes and eats everyone.  The shark is a typically shitty looking cgi monster the size of 2 or 3 whales put together and he can jump out of the water 50 feet in the air.  Shame on you PSYCHO SHARK for having one fucking shark attack and trying to pass yourself off as a JAWS rip-off. AKA JAWS IN JAPAN

The only scene worth watching in this whole stupid mess of a movie: 

CAVEGIRL (1985)

Chock full of ultra-lame, Stacey Q synth-pop tunes which include ear-achingly awful romantic ballads this pseudo-teen comedy screams 1980's. The plot is about a nerdy dork who finds a time portal and goes back to prehistoric days. He spends most of his time there trying to bang the titular cave-girl. Unfortunately she's not 50 feet tall as the poster promises also the cave-people are not animated characters, but that's probably a good thing.  Also she must have invented some sort of cave-hairspray since her hair always looks perfectly puffy and 80's-ish.  The movie starts out with some slapstick and gratuitous nudity but ends up being more of a romantic comedy, which is just unbearable. There's a threat of cannibalism which they never follow through on. I guess I can't expect CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST when I'm watching a lighthearted romp such as this.  This was part of an 80's teen sex comedy DVD box set or I would probably toss it.

THE SNOW CREATURE (1954)

This one is supposed to be the world's first abominable snowman flick.  It is probably also one of the world's worst snowman flicks.  Everything from the shitty costume(just a tall guy in a furry suit that kind of looks like footy pajamas with his face clearly visible) to the super slow pacing(you see the same scene of people climbing a mountain over and over until you drift softly to sleep) to the stupid KING KONG rip-off plot(but we don't get the monster climbs something tall and gets shot off it and takes a big fall ending!).  Only mildly interesting for historical reasons. 

LIFE AND DEATH OF A PORNO GANG (2009)

Ever since experiencing A SERBIAN FILM I've been on the lookout for anything similarly messed-up from that country and this movie keeps getting mentioned here and there as an example of another mind-blowing slice of Eastern European madness.  While not as insane as A.S.F. this is a similar story of how fucked up things are, or at least were in the 90's in that country.  The similarities are that there's porn and there's snuff and it's set in a place that I never want to be stranded in.  Of course there are a lot of places in America like that also.  While this one never gets down to the offensive lows of children being abused like it's nastier follow up it does have some bestiality, a goat killing, fun with a chainsaw, self-mutilation, oddball sex acts and lots of general snuff-related nastiness. My favorite scene is probably where our porn gang gets raped in the woods by a  bunch of dirty old men.  At first, as you would expect, it's pretty horrific but by the end the old men are laughed at by our nasty perverts and it just about ruins their good time.  Very strange.  Overall a pretty engaging nihilistic adventure to feed your black little soul with if that's your trip.

BRUTAL RELAX (2010)

This is a pretty amazingly, awesome, 15 minute short made in Spain about a high-strung fellow that's sent on vacation to relax for his health.  While he's trying to chill on the beach some mutated sea-monster people show up and spoil his good time.  Also all hell breaks loose.  There's a load of really nifty gore FX with bodies being ripped apart in just about every conceivable way and even a kid gets killed, which clues you in that this thing wasn't made in America.  This is the simplest idea for a plot in the world yet it's more entertaining than 99% of the shot-on-video garbage I've seen made by boring nitwits.

HORRIBLE HORROR (1986)

"Some of us sprang a little bit further than others"

Growing up in the 70's by the time I got to actually watch Chiller Theater on Channel 11 here in New York horror host Zacherle was long gone.  I have seen some of his old tapes, which didn't look like they were kept in the best condition but were fun to see anyway and his appearance in Nick Zedd's GEEK MAGGOT BINGO, which was odd to see but cool as well.  But anyhow Zach hosts this made-for-VHS-tape compilation of old time horror B-movies and recreates his old show for anyone who didn't get the chance to catch him back in the 60's.  His shtick as always is silly and fits well with the absurdity of the clips shown.  You get tons of stuff including Lugosi, Karloff, Ed Wood, radiation monsters and even a bunch of Abbott and Costello thrown in.  It's too bad not much of Zach's older stuff has survived but this one's definitely worth checking out for monster kids of all ages.

I never knew there was a live-action Betty Boop until watching this.

JOCKS (1986)

Pretty standard 80's comedy that might be of interest to horror movie fans due to the fact that Christopher Lee plays the head of the college in it.  It is kinda weird to see Lee trying to be funny.  He gets hit on by a transvestite in one of the few semi-humorous scenes.  You also get SHAFT star Richard Roundtree as the coach of this team of misfit tennis players that include your stereotypical gay character, a psycho guy (played by Donald Gibb who was also the crazy guy, Ogre, in REVENGE OF THE NERDS), a wacky Spanish guy and a few preppies.  Plus there's Mariska Hargitay, daughter of Jayne Mansfield, who's a big deal on some modern TV show I could care less about.  For an 80's movie like this there isn't very much of the expected nudity or even anything all that funny going on.  If you find tennis matches thrilling this might be for you but I found the whole thing to be pretty uninteresting and unfortunately typical of the era it was made in.