DOPER (1994)

  Director Jim Van bebber has made some great stuff over the years including an awesome short about Long Island killer Ricky Kasso. This short though is not quite up to the quality of that and is a pretty dull look at some stoned fellows in the 90s. Perhaps more entertaining if you're very high. 

THREE LITTLE PIGSKINS (1934)

  Before watching this 3 Stooges short I had no idea that Lucille Ball had ever appeared with Moe, Larry & Curly. I also had no idea Roger Moore, who shows up briefly as a henchman, did! Besides these cameos this one isn't all that exceptional. The Stooges get mistaken for football heroes and end up playing ball very badly and that's about it.

 

RED (1993)

 The Tube Bar Tapes(recorded in beautiful New Jersey) were the inspiration for The Jerky Boys and the prank-calling of Moe's bar on THE SIMPSONS among other things. The audio from the actual tapes is used for the first portion of this short while we see still photos of the legendary(and perfectly cast) Lawrence Tierney looking quite perturbed. The 2nd half gives us a bloody curb-stomping and some bikini babes for added thrills. 

 Director Chris Gore(famous for being the creator of FILM THREAT magazine) only made a couple of early shorts before focusing on his career in critiquing other movies and while they're all clearly very low-budget and amateurish, I dig the punk style that they convey and wish there were more remnants of the 90s like this to remind me about the only exciting cinematic movement in America in that mostly crappy decade.

 

DISORDER IN THE COURT (1943)

 One of the Three Stooges shorts I've seen the most thanks to it being in public domain for some reason and ending up on pretty much every cheap-o Stooges set released on DVD or VHS. This one has the boys in a courtroom causing their usual chaos. They try and murder a parrot, shoot a man's toupee and, of course, smack the shit out of each other among other things. A classic if you're not sick of seeing it yet. 

                          Nothing says cheap-ass VHS quite like a crayoned cartoon drawing!:

VICTIM NO MORE (2022)

  Fan-made short(40 minutes) film made by some Long Island locals that works as a tribute to the FRIDAY THE 13th franchise. Fairly well made for what it is. Unfortunately since it's made in 2022 instead of having an actual ending it just ends with the stupid "all women kick ass" message that every movie made since DEATHPROOF must be imbued with. If you enjoy dumb slasher movies with an extremely dumb ending I guess give it a look. 

SALLY'S ESCAPE FROM HELL (2016)

  This is a well made short film that re-imagines the ending to THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Maybe the gal playing Sally coulda taken out her nose-ring but that really only stood out to me because everything else seemed fairly accurate. This was originally supposed to be a full-length deal and I would think that couldn't than any worse than any of the other remakes/sequels/prequels that are out there.  

 There's a follow up to this called GASOLINE that gives the same treatment to PART 2  but I have yet to view that one.

NAUGHTY NURSE (1969)

 Paul Bartel's 2nd film is all about a kinky nurse and what kinda crazy s & m bondage antics she gets up to on her lunch break.  While this plays for under 10 minutes Bartel manages to tell a coherent story and even throw in a couple of twists at the end.  This film would be a great opening feature to play before EATING RAOUL since they both deal with sexual perversions.  Thanks to this film Gene Corman decided on Bartel to direct PRIVATE PARTS and we got some great slices of cinematic weirdness. 

THE SECRET CINEMA (1968)

                                      "I can love only one thing Jane, the cinema"

Paul Bartel was one of my favorite directors from the 70's & 80's.  From PRIVATE PARTS to DEATH RACE 2000 to EATING RAOUL his films all have a crazy energy to them that I can really get into so it was great to get a chance to check out his first film here which is a pretty neat 30 minute short.  The story concerns a woman named Jane who has a suspicion that her life is secretly being filmed for a movie.  This basic story has been recycled by Hollywood for that stupid TRUMAN SHOW movie and before that Woody Allen made something similar and I'm sure there have been others but for me it works better in short form here.  It's a horror/comedy/drama mix that Bartel was only able to make cuz he stole some film and equipment from a company he worked for.  That's what real dedicated filmmakers do.  My favorite character is Jane's boyfriend who splits up with her because she doesn't share his obsession with cinema.  I can really relate to that fellow and I feel his pain.  The insane director is also a nice touch.  I think the main thing I find amusing is that the horrifying idea presented in this film, being filmed constantly and having no privacy, is something internet-obsessed, reality TV-loving people today would love to have happen to them.
 Bartel later remade this as an episode of Steven Spielberg's AMAZING STORIES but I can't imagine that a bigger budgeted TV-version of this would be all that great. 

MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY (1965)

 
 This monster-filled spook-show short feels like it really wants to be a sexploitation movie but it never quite gets to that nudie cutie level.  The sexiest thing we get is a bunch of girls running around in their short nightgowns.
 It all starts out with a mad doctor(we know he's a mad doctor cuz it says so on his lab coat) warning the viewer about how super spooky this movie is gonna be and then no title card so I have no idea if this was called something else at some point, then a guy in a gorilla suit frolics about while the credits are read to us like we're retards(and if you're watching this you just might have to be a bit retarded to enjoy it fully).  Some sorority girls show up in an allegedly haunted house and try to spend the night and also try to have a pajama party I guess.  It turns out the house isn't exactly haunted but there is our mad scientist fellow hanging out in the basement doing some important experiments on how to turn people into big hairy apes(this gives us the wonderful site of a gorilla wearing a nightie).  He's got a Vampira-like gal down there who does nothing but sit around looking all goth, a gorilla helper named Big G, a humpbacked henchman named Igor and a wolfman who might also be a flasher.  They stop the movie towards the end so during theatrical performances people in monster costumes could run off the screen and terrorize the audience.  The gals  boyfriends show up, then the cops show up, there's a big rumble, everyone runs around like it's a Scooby-Doo episode and it ends with a gorilla hitting a bong.  Probably one of the dumbest things you could find yourself watching complete with horrible jokey performances but I'm sure this was never really meant to be analyzed as a film but used for a spook show thrill and then forgotten.   It might make for good goofy background visuals at a Halloween party nowadays.  I also have to give it extra credit for having so much dumb Gorilla activity jam-packed into 30 minutes!

TREEVENGE (2008)

Before he made HOBO WITH  A SHOTGUN director Jason Eisner did this silly, but gory as hell, short about Christmas trees getting revenge for being chopped down, stuffed in people's stupid homes and decorated in a gaudy fashion.  It's filled with really obnoxious people you can't wait to see knocked off and a liberal use of the theme from CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST.  There's gratuitous eye-violence, tree on man rape, baby killing and all the things that would make Christmas movies more enjoyable to your average gore-hound.  Of course it's all really dumb and absurd but because it was shot so well it works for me.  Watch it at your next family gathering this holiday season, I'm sure they'll love it.

MONDO FORD (2000)

This is a short spoof of not only Mondo movies but also wacky conspiracy theories in general.  If, like most sane humans, you find people that are obsessed with conspiracy theories to be insane lunatics that should seek mental help immediately you will probably find a few laughs here.  The film is made to look like it was created in the 60's and the narration is just some snippets of a "Learn To Speak Italian" album which I think makes it even crazier.  You get aliens, Bigfoot, and even the Loch Ness Monster showing up to enjoy the JFK assassination plot goofiness.  This originally played as part of the Tromadance short film festival and is part of that DVD.  I've never seen any of the other shorts on there and buying Troma DVDs is a risky business that you should partake in at your own peril so be warned.

SEXUAL PORNO DVD TAPE WORKOUT (2011?)

This might be one of the greatest things I have ever seen!  If, like me, you find yourself asking why in most porn scenes there aren't any puppets, bald obese women, eels, ninjas, E.T. or Ernest Borgnine then this dude named Crazy Dave has put together this beautifully edited piece which brings that stuff and about 5 million other disgusting and ridiculous random elements together.  An honest look at humanity in its finest moments and it's also pretty easy to dance to.  Unfortunately I think it might cause insanity if you watch the whole thing in one sitting.  Good luck.


Sexual Porno DVD Tape Workout brought to you by Tube8

HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT (1986)

                                  "Tripping, Jack Daniels! All That Shit Rules!!"

 Being old enough to have lived through the era when heavy metal bands like Judas Priest and Iron Maiden ruled the world this is a pretty embarrassing look back at those days. A short video featuring drunken/stoned typical metal-heads taped in the parking lot of a Judas Priest/Dokken concert you get a non-stop stream of rambling loud-mouths, ugly hairstyles and ridiculous fashions it's really the perfect portrait of the 80's just the way I remember them. Back in the day my friends and I made a few stupid drunken videos just fucking around with the old camcorder luckily none of those has gotten the wide release that this one has. That has got to be a hell of a way to be remembered. The one mullet-haired fellow in the matching zebra-striped ensemble who hates punk rock and Madonna was the highlight to me with his well thought out criticisms.

"I'm on acid. That's where I am!"- a wise man

CHUCKY LOU: THE STORY OF A WOODCHUCK (1956)

Short film from the 50's where we see a woodchuck get abducted, taken from his natural habitat, thrown in a cage, fed shitty food and forced to wear dresses to amuse children.  It's supposed to be educational but the only thing I learned from it is that people, and especially kids, can be real jerks and I already knew that.  On the other hand if this film starred a precocious little monkey it might be my favorite of all time.  Check it out if you dig woodchucks in hula skirts.

This version has some annoying repetitive music dubbed in so all the retarded kids can dance around like mongoloids while they watch:

GAYNIGGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1992)

"Kneel down, and prepare to receive the holy gaynigger seed!"

That's got to be one of the greatest titles ever!  This is a strange short film made in Denmark that basically spoofs STAR TREK as well as 50's sci-fi flicks in general.  Features a cast of  5 gay black men on a mission to rid the universe of "female creatures" and make it safe for gay men everywhere.  According to this movie there are only about 5 women on the planet Earth that need to be eliminated before we become a perfect male society.  The film is in black and white up until the final "homosexual utopia" scene at the end.  They steal music from SHAFT and LOVE STORY cuz that's what you do when your budget is all spent on snazzy matching 70's spaceman outfits.  Yes, it is completely sexist and racist(Chinese women are especially maligned) but I can't imagine anyone taking something this ridiculous very seriously.  Check it out for something very bizarre that might give you a chuckle.  

BRUTAL RELAX (2010)

This is a pretty amazingly, awesome, 15 minute short made in Spain about a high-strung fellow that's sent on vacation to relax for his health.  While he's trying to chill on the beach some mutated sea-monster people show up and spoil his good time.  Also all hell breaks loose.  There's a load of really nifty gore FX with bodies being ripped apart in just about every conceivable way and even a kid gets killed, which clues you in that this thing wasn't made in America.  This is the simplest idea for a plot in the world yet it's more entertaining than 99% of the shot-on-video garbage I've seen made by boring nitwits.

JASON VS. LEATHERFACE (2005)

A really badly done, cheap, fan-made short, shot by and starring someone named Matt Spease.  This thing makes FREDDY Vs. JASON look like a masterpiece in comparision.  I guess this is actually supposed to be some kind of unofficial sequel to FREDDY VS. JASON because we get Freddy's severed head telling Jason to go to Texas and hang out with Leatherface.  I'm not sure why anything happens though since the dialogue is drowned out by background noise that sounds like they shot the whole thing in the middle of a rush hour traffic jam.  Leatherface, for some reason, has hair down to his ass and he and Jason both look way to unimposing to be very menacing.  In addition to Jason, Leatherface and Freddy's head you also get Michael Meyers putting in a cameo.  While I can appreciate fans attempting to do something like this I can't imagine this would appeal to anyone besides maybe some younger slasher movie fans and/or fans of those comic books where they have two big slasher icons meeting up like this.  There are at least three other fan shorts with this same title and probably more than that.  I never realized the prospect of seeing a zombie fight a cannibal was so thrilling to people.  I think from now on I'll stick with Three Stooges shorts. 

Surprisingly, this 2010 version looks like they actually had some kind of budget and production values:

UN CHIEN ANDALOU (1929)

The first shock film?  That's one possible interpretation.  There is no plot so nothing really makes much sense beyond the dreamlike sense that we affix to anything that we don't immediately comprehend.  This was the point though as Director Luis Bunuel was opposed to any interpretation of his work having any meaning or symbolism applied to it.  A series of random imagery, the best known being a straight razor slicing across an eyeball, that leaves the viewer feeling nothing but uneasy right from the start in the off-beat weirdness of it all.  Also features ants crawling out of a stigmata-like wound, a severed hand, dead animals, a deaths-head moth and various other odd things that randomly show up with no rhyme or reason.  Not being an expert on the surrealist movement or Sigmund Freud I can't comment on the influence those things had on this film other than knowing that all these things are intertwined here in one way or another.  There's an added creepy factor in knowing that the two main actors in this thing both ended up committing suicide.  Check it out if you have any interest in bizarre cinema.

MY SWEET SATAN (1994)

1980's Long Island was all about Amy Fisher and Ricky Kasso.  As a kid growing up in this boring suburban wasteland in the 80's Ricky Kasso was a big deal to me.  I can remember me and my best friend walking for miles just to go see the area where Ricky performed his Satanic murderous deed.  Of course we got tired, turned around halfway and never made it but I feel our hearts were in the right place.  This short film by one of my favorite directors, Jim Van Bebber, takes the story of Ricky adds a few 90's elements (white guys with weird braided/shaved hair, piercings and industrial music) and amps up the violence to make it more disturbing.  Eyes are popped out, piercings are pulled and much blood is spilled for Satan.  One of my all-time favorite short gore films although maybe that's just my Long Island nostalgia talking.