MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY (1965)

 
 This monster-filled spook-show short feels like it really wants to be a sexploitation movie but it never quite gets to that nudie cutie level.  The sexiest thing we get is a bunch of girls running around in their short nightgowns.
 It all starts out with a mad doctor(we know he's a mad doctor cuz it says so on his lab coat) warning the viewer about how super spooky this movie is gonna be and then no title card so I have no idea if this was called something else at some point, then a guy in a gorilla suit frolics about while the credits are read to us like we're retards(and if you're watching this you just might have to be a bit retarded to enjoy it fully).  Some sorority girls show up in an allegedly haunted house and try to spend the night and also try to have a pajama party I guess.  It turns out the house isn't exactly haunted but there is our mad scientist fellow hanging out in the basement doing some important experiments on how to turn people into big hairy apes(this gives us the wonderful site of a gorilla wearing a nightie).  He's got a Vampira-like gal down there who does nothing but sit around looking all goth, a gorilla helper named Big G, a humpbacked henchman named Igor and a wolfman who might also be a flasher.  They stop the movie towards the end so during theatrical performances people in monster costumes could run off the screen and terrorize the audience.  The gals  boyfriends show up, then the cops show up, there's a big rumble, everyone runs around like it's a Scooby-Doo episode and it ends with a gorilla hitting a bong.  Probably one of the dumbest things you could find yourself watching complete with horrible jokey performances but I'm sure this was never really meant to be analyzed as a film but used for a spook show thrill and then forgotten.   It might make for good goofy background visuals at a Halloween party nowadays.  I also have to give it extra credit for having so much dumb Gorilla activity jam-packed into 30 minutes!

I LIKE TO HURT PEOPLE (1985)

 Shot back in the 70's and not released until '85 on video this film features lots of wrestling footage from back before the 1980's came along and wrestling became an embarrassing thing for anyone over 7 years old to admit to watching. Coming out of the Detroit area this mainly focuses on local bad guy The Sheik as he takes on a bunch of big stars from back in the day including Dusty Rhodes, Bobo Brazil, Ox Baker, Terry Funk and others. Also appearing are Andre The Giant, Abdullah The Butcher, some midgets and a fat lady who wrestles a man. They were nice enough to set all these matches to some rocking tunes which makes it extra cool. While there's no actual story here and it's not really much of a documentary since we don't really learn much of anything, besides some silly wrestling storylines and stupid skits abound, it is a cool collection of vintage clips if you dig that sort of thing and it's all edited well enough that it moves along quickly. Check it out if you're any kind of fan of wrestling or just general violence and bloodshed set to a beat.
 I LIKE TO HURT PEOPLE was originally supposed to be a horror/wrestling film called RINGSIDE IN HELL then it was switched to an actual documentary titled just RINGSIDE until they ran out of money and shelved the whole thing. Eventually New World Pictures took all that old footage, filmed some crappy new wraparound bits and released it on video as the fake pseudo-doc that we have here. The credited director, Donald G. Jackson, would go on to become best known for HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN.

Some soul brothers meet Andre in a stupid skit:

WEREWOLF IN A WOMEN'S PRISON (2006)

 Hard to believe it took all the way up until 2006 for somebody to get the idea to mix a monster movie with a women-in-prison flick but it did.  Of course since it's a newer movie it's not shot on film and looks more like a TV show but besides all that, and unlike most newer things I've seen, I have to give this movie credit for at least being an entertaining super low budget monster movie.  The big plus here is that they use practical effects for everything, there's lots of gore, tons of tits on full display, lesbianism all around(including a tongue bath), cheesy cheap-shit werewolf suit with red light-bulb eyes, a puking scene and an homage/rip-off of AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.  There are way worse modern things out there you could waste your time on and I'd recommend this as long as you're not completely allergic to new movies.
 I love how the DVD release shown above is just the poster for Jess Franco's BARBED WIRE DOLLS with some werewolf teeth thrown over it.  

HAUNTS (1977)

 
 This one is sort of a mix between a proto-slasher flick and a psychological horror film and it's also kind of a shitty confusing mess of a movie.  There's a scissors-wielding maniac running around killing women which would make for a decent movie on it's own but then they screw that all up by having this other story about a crazy lady on a farm and her wacky flashbacks to something bad from her childhood.  A bunch of stuff happens(including a rape scene that doesn't really happen) that brings these two stories together in a convoluted way and then we get a stupid ending.  A chubby Cameron Mitchell and a chubby Aldo Ray appear and don't do a whole lot.  We get no blood or nudity thanks to it's stupid PG-rating but there is some gratuitous goat-milking going on.  I'd say this might be a good film to skip.  It does have a pretty sweet VHS cover though which makes the movie look way sexier than it is.

If only the rest of the film stuck with the cool vibe of the opening scene this might not have been half bad:

DEATH PROMISE (1977)

 I tend to like movies with voice-over narration and this one starts right out with a voice from nowhere telling us about the plight of some poor people in a shitty apartment building so that's pretty cool.  This is a super low-budget, New York-shot, kung-fu flick about some greedy landlords trying to force tenants out of a craphole building.  You would think by the title this would be some sorta DEATH WISH rip-off and I guess that sorta applies here since it's about a man's quest for revenge after his dad is killed but it plays out more as a straight-forward martial arts extravaganza.  Complete with horrendous acting, drug-dealing pimps, dummies getting thrown off rooftops and chopsocky thrills this one is good for a few laughs and would most likely be even better with some alcohol to wash it all down.  The two big highlights for me were the ridiculous theme song by some band named Opus and an equally ridiculous murder scene where a guy has a bag full of rats shoved over his head.  In addition to this you get some boobs, a giant 70's car-phone, an old kung fu master, stupid plot holes, a box full of rats(rats are like the ultimate weapon of choice in this) and the boom mike makes a few guest appearances.  This film proves to me that sometimes there's good stuff down at the bottom of the celluloid barrel.  AKA's= ENTER THE WHITE DRAGON(I coulda sworn our hero here is a Latino fellow?), SLUMFIGHTER & PAY-OFF TIME

BLUE SUMMER (1973)

 A couple of guys get a bus and lots of beer and go on a summer vacation that's full of hot chicks, lots of drunk driving, an 8-track stereo, some senseless violence and a biker guardian-angel. This is pretty much a plot-less, lighthearted sex romp that's exclusively for people who dig that laid-back 70's vibe. There are lots of sex scenes but they're all technically soft-core. Possibly there was a hardcore cut of this at some point since it's filmed by porn director Chuck Vincent(his 2nd film) and features hardcore mainstay Eric Edwards in one bit but apparently this edited version is all that exists today. Worth a look if you want something not very heavy but full of boobs and you probably won't remember it right after watching anyway. AKA LOVE TRUCK(it's not even a truck!)

Part of this sexy 4-pack:

TRINITY & SARTANA: THOSE DIRTY SONS O' B*****(1972)

 The most unique thing about this spaghetti-western is that one of our main hero characters, Trinity, is a black fellow from Trinidad. While this is balanced out by making Sartana the typical blonde-haired blue-eyed type it's still not something you see too much in this genre and it even goes as far as to flirt with the idea of interracial love in a dream sequence. Of course this is also evened out with racial slurs like Sambo etc. dropped here and there. This film is not a sequel to either the Trinity or Sartana films but just borrows the names like so many other movies back then. It's definitely closer to Trinity in the way it feels and you get slapsticky fights(including a really long barroom brawl!), a piano player obsessed with Tchaikovsky and a Mexican bandit who tells us when the movie is over. Not at all for serious western fans but anyone that likes the more comedic style might find it at least mildly amusing. AKA TRINITY AND SARTANA ARE COMING

SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS (1974)

 
 I think my favorite thing about these stupid Corman produced sexy teachers films, besides the bouncing boobs, is that you almost always get the great Dick Miller playing an asshole character. Usually it's a coach of some sort and that's what he is here. In this one he is his usually ignorant self spouting out lines about how much he hates faggots and whatnot. There's also various dumb plots about women-libbers getting to play football, nude-modeling and some kinda insurance scam ring that develops into attempted murder and silly car chases. You also get a couple of old-lady peeping-Toms. It's overall a really forgettable film and the director, Barbara Peeters, would go on to make the far superior HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP a few years later.

THE STUDENT TEACHERS (1973)

 An offshoot of the naughty nurses series this here started off the similar tawdry teachers set of films for Roger Corman's New World Pictures. 
 Right away you get naked boobs on display so you know what you're in for.  From there on out you get a weird mix of a sex flick with what almost feels like a sort of experimental student film about the generational gap shot in an extremely 70's style until it all settles into what are a few different plots going on all involving teachers and students at a high-school.  Drug-dealers and the mafia get involved, sex-education is made a big deal of and Dick Miller appears in one of his most absurd roles as a stupid gym teacher and part-time clown-mask wearing rapist.  Also Chuck Norris shows up for a split-second as a karate instructor.  They seemed to throw almost everything they could into this one(besides some blood and guts) and it comes off as a pretty big mess but still worth a  look for a weird slice of 70's exploitation.  There's also a really hot super skinny chick in here named Rose Cypress(aka Tara Strohmeier) that I  wouldn't mind seeing more of.  AKA COLLEGE CO-EDS(they're not even in college!) & SELF-SERVICE SCHOOLGIRLS

JOHNNY YUMA (1966)

 This is an early, pretty crappy spaghetti-western about a scheming wife(Rosalba Neri) who's trying to screw over her husband so she kills him to get control of his land.  The main problem here is our hero(Mark Damon) who is very dull, has an orange tan, seems to be wearing blue-eyeshadow which might not be the best look for a convincing western tough guy.  He also appears to be a bit of a peeping-Tom and reminds me of a pompous, douchey version of Ricky Ricardo.  A little kid does get slapped around at one point so if you dislike kids maybe that might be a plus.  Complete with the standard stupid barroom fight and dumb Mexican characters this one is very skipable.  The one good thing is Rosalba Neri plays the corrupt wife so at least there's an attractive lady to ogle but that's about it. AKA 10,000 DOLLARS FOR JOHNNY YUMA

Here our dickhead hero murders some bandits and then feels romantic about it:

Back in the 50's Johnny Yuma was also a character in a TV series called THE REBEL but I don't think this movie had any relation to that show.  Also Johnny Cash did the theme song which, like most Johnny Cash songs, is pretty cool:

HAMMER (1972)

 Fred "The Hammer" Williamson took his nickname from this tale of a tough dock-worker who gets mixed-up in the boxing game and the mafia. That seems a little strange to me since Williamson would go on to do better, more memorable and more successful stuff(BLACK CAESAR) but I guess this is where his standard bad mother-fucker/lovable nice-guy character got started.  It has all the stuff you expect from a 70's blaxploitation flick including pimps, evil honkies, outrageous clothing, drugs and violence.  The strangest bit is probably a scene in a nightclub where a whip-weilding dominatrix-stripper does her thing.  A great supporting cast including the great William Smith as his typical monsterous musclehead character, that bad D'Urville Martin, that guy who played Goeorge Jefferson's brother on ALL IN THE FAMILY(Bernie Hamilton), Leon Isaac from PENITENTIARY(who is super young and looks like a little kid here) all do a good job.  The only downside to this is that it doesn't really ever go over the top in the action sense like some of the later black-action films and sticks to a basic boxing scam/mob plot but it's still a good watch even if just for historical reasons.

GRAND DUEL (1974)

 Probably the most memorable thing about this spaghetti-western flick is the bad-ass theme song by Luis Bacalov used throughout. This was later on used in KILL BILL so I guess Quentin Tarantino agrees there. Besides that though you do get a family of degenerates as our bad guys which includes a gay pox-faced sleazy fellow and Lee Van Cleef as our man-in-black hero which is always a good thing. The Beast(Salvatore Baccaro) from the nazisploitation film THE BEAST IN HEAT also shows up for a bit and there is the promised big duel at the end. While not the most original thing ever it's worth a look if you're a hardcore euro-western junkie or Van Cleef aficionado. AKA THE BIG SHOWDOWN

EXPOSED (1971)

 What you basically get here is an earlier, gentler version of Christina Lindberg's THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE. The focus here though isn't on the revenge aspects (in fact I'm not even sure if the revenge actually takes place at all since some of the sequences in this film seem to just be dreams or fantasies of Lindberg's and not really happening) but more on the blackmailing, abuse and exploitation of our main character Lena.  In reality it's all just an excuse to shoot some great-looking nude scenes and get some great photos of Christina who probably looks better here than in anything I've ever seen her in, and that's saying something since she always looks good to me.  The pimp character here(Heinz Hopf) is the same guy from THRILLER and he does make for a good sleazy type.  Here he gets to tie Lindberg up with ropes and perform a sorta-rape(I say sorta because Lena seems more disinterested than brutalized and the line between consensual and forced is blurred by her ennui).  Also in the middle of this film we get to go out to the movies and watch some of TARZAN TRIUMPHS from the 1940's.  Probably only worth a look if you're a big Lindberg fan like myself or a non-discriminating Euro-boob & bush fan but I can see it boring most everyone else with it's slow-pace.  AKA DIARY OF A RAPE & THE DEPRAVED


1971 - The Depraved - Gustav Wiklund by Altanisetta