MY HONEYMOON WITH A VAMPIRE (2003)

  This is a real snoozefest! Shot on video in 2003, so you know it's probably going to suck, it feels more like you're watching some boring travelogue involving a newlywed couple than an exciting narrative. Certainly not much of note takes place for most of the runtime. Our main male character turns into a vampire because of some evil giant ball of dirt, bites a few people then a ghost-lady shows up and tells him about how she got murdered by her husband. From there it's vampire/ghost tag-team revenge time. Very minimal blood or enjoyment to be had. Works good as a sleeping aid. AKA VAMPIRE HONEYMOON 

SHOCKUMENTARY (2015)

 

 Total homemade garbage that fails at trying to emulate both a grindhouse movie(with all that dumb digitally-enhanced graininess) and a snuff film(with some exceptionally bad acting). Some actual scenes of death are inserted from one of those TRACES OF DEATH video compilations so if you like that stuff just go watch those instead. The fact that they found an actual operational video store in 2015 to shoot some of this in is pretty astounding. At only about 70 minutes long this is a very tough watch.

 Director Dustin Fergus has directed somewhere around 150 things according to IMDB which seems impressive unless they were all shot on a phone and look like home movies. AKA VIDEO KILLERS

LEGEND OF THE SHADOWY NINJA : THE NINJA DRAGON (1990)

  Go Nagai is one of the most important figures in manga and anime, pretty much inventing the giant robot genre. This here shot-on-video production is currently his only foray into live-action as writer and director. It's not up to the level of some of the better animes he was involved with(MAZINGA Z, DEVILMAN, GRENDIZER etc.) but it's an ok watch with some absurd elements(the movie comes to a halt while we watch 2 lady wrestlers battle it out and it all ends with a spaceship popping up) and gore(a guy gets his face ripped right off!) thrown in between all the expected ninja/kung fu action.

AFTER PARTY MASSACRE (2011)

 Rather than an actual movie-watching experience this felt way more like viewing a very specific fetish video. If death metal, slasher movies and metal chicks in various states of undress all mixed together in what's basically a really long music video seem like something that might turn you on maybe give it a gander. The list of atrocities include castration, dismemberment by miter saw, death by dildo, sledgehammer, axe and other implements of destruction. The bands Soulless and Incantation(whose drummer is also our main character) are featured.

EVIL NIGHT (1992)

  I caught this in the middle of a horror marathon last weekend and since it's a really low budget shot-on-video project it did not look very good projected on a large screen. Probably the coolest thing about this  was checking out all the horror movie posters in one of the rooms they filmed in. There is also a lot of gore and some heavy rockin' tunes but overall this is a pretty big waste of time. If it's not unwatchable enough some scenes appear to be shot on even crappier tape than others. There's a telekinetic killer who wears a clown mask for no discernable reason and some zombies show up to end it all. Somehow director Todd Jason Cook would go on to make a bunch more movies like this. 

 22 years later there was a remake and then 3 years after that there was a sequel to the original film churned out. 

                Even on a very small screen this is still blurry as hell!:

SALLY'S ESCAPE FROM HELL (2016)

  This is a well made short film that re-imagines the ending to THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Maybe the gal playing Sally coulda taken out her nose-ring but that really only stood out to me because everything else seemed fairly accurate. This was originally supposed to be a full-length deal and I would think that couldn't than any worse than any of the other remakes/sequels/prequels that are out there.  

 There's a follow up to this called GASOLINE that gives the same treatment to PART 2  but I have yet to view that one.

TWISTED ISSUES (1988)

  I suppose this shot-on-video horror flick/music video at least serves as an interesting time-capsule showing what the skater-punk scene was like in Gainesville, Florida back in 1988. Besides that it's like pretty much every other experimental shot-on-video thing made in the 80s. It inter-splices news footage and TV junk with homemade gore. There's sort-of a plot about a skater getting whacked and coming back as a killer zombie-monster with his board drilled onto his foot but it seems like mostly just an excuse to feature your friend's band on the soundtrack. Apparently different scenes were shot by various people which would explain the disjointed nonsensical mess that results. Makes for good background noise and visuals if you're a nostalgic garbage-music fan but good luck sitting through it all.

                              Works better as a 3 minute short!:

MARI-COOKIE AND THE KILLER TARANTULA (1998)

  I've owned this movie on DVD for many years but never felt like actually giving it a watch up until recently. The reason for this is that it is from director Jess Franco's later cheap-o shot-on-video years and any clips I had seen from that era looked terrible. Being a Franco completist though I managed to make it through this and it was just as awful as I expected. Franco was attempting to make an erotic comedy here and since it's more annoying than funny it's a tough sit. Also the erotic part is a little hurt by Lina Romay being middle-aged by this point and not at exactly at her peak. Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer do help out in the hotness department but probably my favorite gal in this is Amber Newman, who I'm not very familiar with but want to be.  AKA EIGHT LEGS TO LOVE YOU(this is an homage to The Beatles film HELP! which was shot under the title EIGHT ARMS TO HOLD YOU)

Amber Newman shows her friend her butthole in the movie's most thrilling scene!:

  

I SPIT CHEW ON YOUR GRAVE! (2008)

                                                         

                                                            "Tongue my bung!"

Edgelord is a popular term that seemingly-retarded children use to put each other down in online arguments. I've never actually seen it used in an appropriate way. Well here's the only film I've seen where it can honestly be applied to describe it. 

 This is barely a movie, at 58 minutes, and more of a comedic skit that you might see on YouTube. The "idea" is to make a reverse version of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE where a gang of "edgy" alterna-women led by a gay dude cosplaying as David Bowie from LABYRINTH run around raping men. One guy gets raped by a garden-weasel, a white couple talks like stereotypical black folks for no reason and there's never any nudity or gore which might be things you would put in your dumb rape/revenge skit. 

 The director, Chris Seaver, was also responsible for the equally terrible THE TERROR AT BLOOD FART LAKE so he's clearly a piece of garbage.  

                                       Even this trailer is way too long!: 

HELLINGER (1997)

 This is probably the worst thing that I've watched twice. Both of these viewings were at drunken movie nights with friends so it wasn't my choice either time. What you get here is a shot-on-video deal about a very pale demon named Hellinger who talks like he's quite constipated and, unconvincingly, rips people's eyeballs out of their heads. It's basically a HELLRAISER rip-off and a very bad one at that. There is one particularly brutal scene involving a rapist who cuts out a gal's tongue, bashes her head in and stabs her vagina a bunch of times that does stand out but most of the film is filled with boring talk about how Mr. Hellinger came to be and not-so stuff like that. They also attempt an action scene which is pretty cringe-worthy. I would avoid this one if I were you and I would have avoided it myself if my friends didn't have such weird taste in crappy movies.




My DVD has director Massimiliano Cerchi's HOLY TERROR on it also but I luckily gave it away before attempting to watch it!:

DOLL FROM HELL (1996)

 Not to be confused with that classic BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL opus from the 80's, this is a 90's shot-on-video Japanese production. Before viewing this I feared it would be another crappy-looking Asian ghost movie and while, due to how it was shot, it doesn't look that great I was pleasantly surprised how entertaining this one turned out to be. The plot concerns a gang that consists of a punk(who's constantly toting a boombox around!), a pimp and his 2 ho's, a sullen introspective artsy type, a chubby businessman and a tiger-lady leader(So basically this is my favorite type of gang which consists of people that should never even be in the same room together but somehow form an alliance.) They end up dabbling in some murder that sets forth a chain of events that results in a human-sized doll being reanimated and seeking vengeance. While the plot is super simplistic and pretty dumb it managed to hold my interest. The wacky subtitles, rampant nudity and sex were definite helpers in this. Way better than I expected. AKA SACRIFICE (literal Japanese title)


                                                                  My kinda gang!:

  

THE TOXIC RETARDS (2015)

 This movie was compiled by video camera footage taken by a retard so at least it has an excuse for being fucking awful. Calling this an actual movie is a bit of stretch since there's no real plot(there is some attempt to tell a story of aliens invading with really shithole fx but it's totally incomprehensible) or any solid narrative that I could make out. It's basically all just random unrelated scenes of director Carl Sukenick doing stuff(getting completely naked in one part!) or some girls(where the hell did he get these women from?? I'm gonna guess local prostitutes perhaps) that he musta coerced into getting naked somehow and long senseless monologues, oh and how could I forget the shitass gore scenes? For a schizophrenic mental-case ol' Carl at least seems to have some ambition. This movie is so bad and disjointed that it almost falls into the art film category. This is all completely unintentional of course but who am I to tell a retard what constitutes art. For someone with a lot of patience for bad editing looking to get into the mindset of a mentally handicapped man this might be interesting. For most of the rest of humanity this is totally unwatchable. I drank much beer to try and help me through the runtime(which seems really long at 75 minutes or so) and besides the one hilarious scene of Mr. Carl stripping himself down until he's butt-ass naked there was nothing to really hold my interest here.
 Scenes of the aliens in this are taken from director Sukenick's 1991 video ALIEN BEASTS which I don't think I will ever be drunk enough to attempt viewing.


   

SLAUGHTER DAYS (199?)

 Don't know much about this short film except that it was shown at a recent VHS-sellers gathering and seem to be fairly well-received by the audience there. Not being a huge fan of homemade shot-on-video 80s crap I can't say I was all that impressed but I will at least give the filmmakers, The Cousins Brothers (identical twins from Hawaii who seem to have gone off into the world of conspiracy-theory UFO cover-up video-making more recently), credit for their obvious enthusiasm and love of ultra-cartoonish ultra-violence and massive bloodspray. I can see an obvious nod to THE EVIL DEAD series and kick-ass action cinema shine through the very rough edges. Also a very heavy metal soundtrack because what else would you score this with? This seems to be pretty obscure so I'm not sure if it's worth the effort of tracking it down but if you're an 80s VHS-obsessed nerd apparently it's hilarious stuff.
 Apparently there are 4 sequels to this thing(SLAUGHTER DAYS II, SLAUGHTER DAYS III, SLAUGHTER DAYS IV and SLAUGHTER DAYS: THE MOVIE) but I'm not exactly sure why those exist or if they ever played anywhere.

The Cousin Brothers big 2007 production looks like it has a slightly bigger budget but I can think of a zillion zombie movies I'd rather re-watch before this:

KILLER BARBYS VS. DRACULA (2001)

 I had been wanting to see this one for a while since I really liked the original KILLER BARBYS movie from 1996 which felt like Jess Franco's version of a SCOOBY-DOO episode, and I've rewatched it a few times over the years, so I figured this sequel would have to at least be halfway decent. Unfortunately it really isn't. By the 2000's Mr. Franco was stuck shooting super-duper low-budget shot-on-video stuff that really doesn't convey his artistic visions very well. I probably coulda saved a bunch of time and gotten just as much enjoyment out of watching a couple of Killer Barbies music videos since all the stuff wrapped around their performances is pretty pointless. There's a bald Nosferatu-type Dracula, Lina Romay runs around doing a Transylvanian accent and it's all played for giggles. Also this is one of the few Franco movies that doesn't feature graphic nudity or sex in it. You do get a few scantily-clad ladies including the lovely lead-singer Sylvia Superstar, lots of Eurotrashy rock music and a bunch of people getting bitten in the neck that you don't really care about. Stick with the first one for better sleazy Franco thrills.

 

SLASH DANCE (1989)

                                                 "I got beat up by a pair of tits!"

 This a terrible slasher movie! It's shot-on-video which is usually not a good thing to begin with, the murder scenes are mostly bloodless, the acting is terrible, there's long silent parts where they seem to have forgotten to put any music or even sound in, there's no nudity, and nothing makes any sense. Luckily I was able to watch this as part of a horror movie marathon in a theater full of fans of terrible crap. Whoever made this obviously knew they were gonna get more laughs then frights out of it so there's much intentional comedy thrown in, Queen Kong(aka Matilda The Hun) from The Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling has a fairly big part(and you would think a lady pro wrestler would at least be better than this at acting!), and it works as one of those so-awful-it's-great works. Of course there's a better slightly higher-budget killer meets girls in leotards movie called AEROBICIDE which treads similar territory that you could watch instead of this but if you want bottom of the barrel chuckles this will supply lots of those.
 Lucio Fulci also made a movie titled SLASHDANCE and it's also not very good.

DILDO HEAVEN (2002)

 The year was 2002 yet Doris Wishman thought it would be a good idea to make a nudie-cutie just like it was the 60's again. Some might say this shows that she never really grew artistically as a director and while that is most likely true I think it also shows how she stuck to a singular vision and didn't let the times change her style and for that I appreciate the insane works of Miss Wishman.
 This movie was shot on video, which of course always looks far inferior to film, so to make up for this, and save a few bucks I'm sure, Doris threw in some jarring scenes from older actual films. The sight of a nerd peeping through a keyhole only to see some old black and white 60's lesbian action is quite bizarre to say the least. All the Wishman trademarks are here; terrible acting, random shots of inanimate objects, scenes that look very much like some home movie footage. It might seem sad that this was one of Doris' last movies and it's so super amateurish but even with all the negative elements(no money, no film, no actual actors) working against her she managed to make a terrible movie that entertains in it's own way. Alcohol and trash appreciation helps immensely with this entertainment value. Look for a postcard with Chesty Morgan on it, TV's showing old roughies and plenty of boobs.
AKA DESPERATE DESIRES

SKID ROW (2013)

 This was directed by a friend of mine and I even appear in the fucking thing for a split second! Usually when people review movies made by their friends they're super polite and positive not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. Not being a hypocritical asshole I will not be that guy. Honestly though I did not completely hate this movie as I much as I expected to. Being a fan of 70's cinema and automatically despising anything remotely new, this is definitely not something I would seek out or recommend to anyone but at least there's a sleazy rape scene, a castration, decapitation, torture with a chainsaw, frolicking lesbianism and a couple of references to DEATH WISH. These are all good things, of course the problem with newer movies referencing older movies is that it just reminds me of how much better everything was back when they actually made films on film. There are a couple of celebrity rapper appearances here with Schooly-D and R.A. The Rugged Man and the Stallone promised here probably isn't any Stallone you've ever heard of before. Finally, to be fair, the version of this that I viewed was apparently not complete so I imagine it will be more spiffy when it gets an official release.

WEREWOLF IN A WOMEN'S PRISON (2006)

 Hard to believe it took all the way up until 2006 for somebody to get the idea to mix a monster movie with a women-in-prison flick but it did.  Of course since it's a newer movie it's not shot on film and looks more like a TV show but besides all that, and unlike most newer things I've seen, I have to give this movie credit for at least being an entertaining super low budget monster movie.  The big plus here is that they use practical effects for everything, there's lots of gore, tons of tits on full display, lesbianism all around(including a tongue bath), cheesy cheap-shit werewolf suit with red light-bulb eyes, a puking scene and an homage/rip-off of AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.  There are way worse modern things out there you could waste your time on and I'd recommend this as long as you're not completely allergic to new movies.
 I love how the DVD release shown above is just the poster for Jess Franco's BARBED WIRE DOLLS with some werewolf teeth thrown over it.  

SPLATTER: THE ARCHITECTS OF FEAR (1986)

  Canadian-made shot on video crap that really stretches the definition of what you can call a movie. The makers of this are going for the whole movie-within-a-movie thing except the wraparound movie is a pretty dull documentary about how they did all the not-so-great gore fx in the other movie which is some nonsense about post-apocalyptic, Amazonian, new-wave chicks killing and/or being killed by mutant fellows. A guy gets fucked to death here with his head exploding and it makes no sense.  At least this section of the show has the decency to throw some completely nude very hot looking ladies into the scenes to liven things up but that's about the only positive point that can be made about this unless you are an FX guy planning on traveling back to the past and doing dodgy FX work. As a bonus it all plays out while grating synthesizer "music" drones on not even giving you the ability to sleep through this making it all go away. A good example of how anything could get a VHS release back in the 80's.

WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE (1988)

 While I generally love movies with the word massacre in the title this has got to be one of the worst.  A shot on video piece of crap (supposedly based on a true story which I'm sure happened nothing like it's depicted here) that appeals exclusively to retro VHS obsessed weirdos and people that think anything from the 80's was just wonderful. This movie feels like a homemade version of a what I think is supposed to be a comedy with no gore despite the bloody VHS box.  For most of the video nothing happens except mindless chatter, the sound is awful, the music is grating, it looks like an insane families home movie and it's quite a chore to sit through something like this without questioning your sanity.  There's also an extra-annoying aunt character that you can't wait to die.  It's really a good look at what sucked about the 80's all rolled up into one movie.
 Amazingly the director and star of this, Jon McBride, has had a long career of making stuff like this including the excellently titled CANNIBAL CAMPOUT but I'm pretty sure these aren't for me.