GHOUL SEX SQUAD (1991)

  So it took until the 1990s for someone to have the brilliant idea of mixing those Chinese hopping vampires into a porn flick. I guess technically this would make it a necrophilia sex movie. Also one of the vampires is a little kid but luckily he doesn't seem to be in any of the sex scenes. Not very sexy, not much kung fu at all and filled with terribly dull parts. The absurdly worded subtitles are a treat though

The version I watched of this was a terribly blurry bootleg and I'm not sure if there is any legitimate release anywhere but it's worth a look purely as a unique obscure novelty. 

SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD: ULTIMATE POWER (2007)

 This isn't really a sequel to 2004's SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD, I guess it's kind of a prequel but I'm not even certain of that. Gordon Lui doesn't even show up until about  two-thirds of the movie is over and his character doesn't have the same name as in the first film. I guess they just really dug that SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD moniker. There's really not even much in the way of horror elements up until the end when a bunch of those hopping vampires show up, a big cgi rock monster does some kung fu and our main bad guy grows some fangs appears to turn into a non-hopping vampire. It's all pretty typical but I guess if you liked the first one check out the last half hour of this.

SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD (2004)

 This Hong Kong kung-fu flick has nothing to do with THE EVIL DEAD. It does feature some of those always ineffectual, and played for comedy, hopping vampires(that are called zombies in the dubbed version) and Gordon(MASTER KILLER) Liu as a kung-fu master/wizard type who always knows what's up with these evil entities that keep popping up. You not only get 1 annoying little kid but at one point he eats a magical egg and shits out another even more annoying kid! As you would guess this becomes really grating. Also annoying is the lack of an ending where the film just stops in the middle of a fight scene and rolls the credits while scenes from part 2(which didn't come out until 3 years later for some reason?) play in a little corner box. Overall there's not much to reccomend this one unless you really want to see Gordon Liu order a little boy to take a piss so he can use his urine as a magical weapon against some maggot-filled zombies. I guess that's something unique anyway.





                                                Known in Pakistan as EVIL DEAD 4:

MR. VAMPIRE (1985)

 While most Hong Kong action and/or horror movies have at least a couple of scenes of comedy this one is pretty much all played for laughs and I guess that's how Hong Kong moviegoers liked it back then because this was a big hit at the time it was released and spawned 4 sequels (although I guess Part 5 is also considered a sorta-remake.) Whenever I think of those Chinese hopping vampires this is the first movie that comes to mind, though I'm sure they were in many Asian flicks before this. In addition to vampires you also get a sexy seductive ghost-lady, jokes that seem like they should be in an episode of THREE'S COMPANY and lots of goofy Jackie Chan-esque kung fu. A good watch for fans of Asian martial arts, horror and The Three Stooges all mixed together into one absurd experience.

MR. VAMPIRE 1992 (1992)

 The original MR. VAMPIRE from 1985 I remember as being a pretty good wacky kung fu/horror thing with those hopping vampires. It was a big hit in Hong Kong so, of course, they shot out a bunch of sequels and rip-off films and this is one of those(in some places this is even titled MR. VAMPIRE 5). In this one they manage to turn up the wackiness factor. You get stuff like a little boy, who's supposed to be a ghost, whipping his little cock out and pissing all over this bumbling idiot that he and his fellow little kid ghosts just beat the shit out of. Another guy getting his dick pulled like a rubber band and a guy who vomits because he sees a pair of tits. While these things are all amusing on their own in short clips within the movie itself nothing that happens makes a whole lot of sense. Yes this is one of those kung fu movies that will hurt your brain if you think too hard about it. Another negative thing is for long periods there's no martial arts or any other kind of action going on and really bad comedy skits take place. Then when some fighting breaks out it's usually that super comedic stuff anyway. I think I will have to go back and re-watch the original MR. VAMPIRE to try and get this out of my head.
 On the DVD I own of this it's called CHINESE VAMPIRE STORY on the case for some reason but MR. VAMPIRE 1992 on the actual movie.

THE VAMPIRE IS ALIVE (1989)

 We start off here with a couple of Caucasian ladies trying to write a script for a movie in a remote house.  Then we switch to some Asian ladies in a kung fu movie and from there we flip-flop back and forth a few times and the movie ends when ROBO VAMPIRE shows up and beats up a hopping vampire? Apparently this is supposed to be some kind of a sequel to ROBO VAMPIRE but you can't tell from the story-line so I'm thinking they just had the costume laying around and threw it into the mix for the hell of it.   I've seen plenty of Godfrey Ho movies that splice 2 films into one mess of a movie but I think here we might actually have 3 different flicks mashed up into one insane blob.   Maybe producer Thomas Tang was trying to one-up ol' Godfrey with this.  To make things more disjointed one of these movies is horror and the other ones seem to be action or kung fu so we go from a standard haunted house plot into a lady assassin plot(which isn't explained at all) and vice-versa.  Ultimately the whole movie plays out like a sort of greatest hits of bat-shit crazy Asian cinema.  There's a checklist of nutso elements that make up this thing which include cannibalism, hopping vampires, ninjas, kung-fu, gun-fu, slapstick car crashes, someone killed by a telephone, a kung-fuing zombie and a show-stopping moment when our main character gives birth to a vampire kid who pops out of her vagina like it's on a trampoline.  The movies that get ripped-off here include JAWS, PSYCHO, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET(there's a Freddy Krueger-gloved monster), and a shitty version of the CARRIE ending rounds things out.
  While I can't say this is a very good film it's definitely not boring unless wacky shit bores you and if so you stink.  A.K.A. COUNTER JUNGLE, COUNTER DESTROYER and THE VAMPIRE IS STILL ALIVE

Hipity-hop kung-fu:

ROBO VAMPIRE (1988)

"Orientals are a stubborn race"-Caucasian ghost lady

If you ever thought to yourself "Gee, wouldn't it be great if they mixed the movie ROBOCOP with a kung fu flick and then threw in some of those crazy Chinese hopping vampires" this is the perfect movie for you.  Producer Tomas Tang was known for putting together a bunch of those terrible, direct-to-VHS ninja flicks from the 80's where he spliced 2 different movies into one giving them a schizophrenic mess of a feel(FULL METAL NINJA, ZOMBIE VS. NINJA, NINJA DEMON'S MASSACRE etc, etc.).  This film is no different cuz you get the vampire/kung fu flick and then as a bonus you also get this crappy action movie with lots of gun-fu.   Somewhere in all that you also get a ridiculous looking RoboCop rip-off guy with a silver helmet and silver pads all over his body that fights the vampires by moving in exaggerated robotic slow-motion .  The main bad guy is a jumping vampire in a rubber gorilla mask who shoots fireworks out of his hands who's in love with a ghost lady.  There's also some water torture that doesn't look too bad, white ghost lady boobs and a guy gets his eyes gouged out by a bloody Curly-style Three Stooges poke.  Trying to figure out the plot to all this makes my head hurt so I'll just say check it out if you can deal with insane nonsensical Asian foolishness.

Fun facts:
Godfrey Ho is listed as the director of this on IMDB but as usual their information is wrong.
There's two other appearances of ROBO VAMPIRE in sorta-sequels COUNTER DESTROYER and DEVIL'S DYNAMITE.

Terrifying fight scene: