KUNG FU STUDENT (1989)

               

For a movie titled KUNG FU STUDENT you might think there would be a bunch of kung fu on display but there really isn't. What you get is basically a silly comedy about a nerdy girl(Lin Hsiao-Lao) who gets involved with a ghost of a gangster(Alexander Lo Rei). It all starts with her farting out his spirit which should give you a good idea of the type of slapstick we're dealing with here. it mostly plays like a wacky buddy cop film and we do get more action and fighting as we get towards the big finale. Very dumb but good for a few chuckles here and there. AKA MAGIC GIRL(a more fitting title)

This starts out like a straight-forward action flick but alas all is not what it seems:

V-MADONNA: THE GREAT WAR (1985)

 A biker gang vs. a Japanese high school. The school hires some kickass ladies, including some lady wrestlers, to help them. Things get pretty rough and this has a weird mix of comic book action and pinky violence-type assaults. There's rape, vagina burning, a gal hung on an upside down cross and generally lots of abuse of women but also a lot of women getting revenge and kicking ass. YOJIMBO gets name-checked though the plot is more closely inspired by THE SEVEN SAMURAI. A good watch but I'm still not sure what Madonna has to do with any of these goings on.  AKA GO FOR BROKE

ROBOWAR (1988)

 In a lot of director Bruno Mattei's later films he was very fond of mixing a couple of famous genre films together and this is a good example of one of those. This time it's PREDATOR and ROBOCOP which features a group of commandos known as B.A.M.(Bad Ass Motherfuckers!) trying to take down a killer cyborg created by the government as a weapon. Reb Brown, maybe best known as the star of Mattei's STRIKE COMMANDO, is our big action hero and things go fairly predictably with many exploding huts and lots of scenes of walking around in the jungle to some overly peppy soundtrack music. Mid-level Mattei for sure.  

HER NAME IS CAT (1998)

"Do you like S & M?" "S & M? I'll take your asshole!"

Hong Kong action flick with a kickass female lead(Almen Wong). This is similar to NAKED KILLER which was also directed by Clarence Fok. The English dubbed version I watched has lots of 90s techno music in it and some crazy dialogue like the sample noted above. It's not quite as good as NAKED KILLER, for one thing no one gets naked here. The main actress must have had a no-nudity clause in her contract because she keeps her hands over her boobs in the shower and during sex scenes constantly. Also the violence never gets as over the top as many category III films from this era and I'm kinda surprised it was even given that rating. There's a chicken named Grandpa and a little girl and shockingly neither one of them gets killed! AKA THE HUNTRESS: HER NAME IS CAT

 There was a sequel 2 years later with HER NAME IS CAT 2: JOURNEY TO DEATH

Subtitled version:

RUN AND KILL (1993)

   One of the rougher and better Hong Kong category III movies I've seen in a while. This one features Fatty(Kent Cheng) who gets himself mixed up with not just one but 2 mobster factions that you don't want to be involved with. You get lots of violent fighting, various murders, torture and a very notorious child death scene. For hardcore Hong Kong  fans only.

 The first time I saw this was in a little art theater near me and it was hosted by the author of a book titled THE SWEETEST TABOO which was a look at child death in films and this was the very fitting film which they chose to exemplify that. 

ZEIRAM (1991)

  Pretty simple Japanese sci-fi flick about a bounty hunter(Yuko Moriyama) and her computer sidekick Bob come to Earth to capture a monster/biological weapon named Zeiram. Reminiscent of John Carpenter's THE THING in the way it can transform throughout the movie. They throw in a couple of goofy electricians(phone repairmen?) for a laughs. Some great practical FX work make this worth a look for people into that sort of thing or maybe just fans of ULTRAMAN. 

 While this would seem like something that was based on a prior animated show it wasn't but there would be an animated version in 1994 and also a live-action sequel that same year(which from what I've read is really just an inferior remake). 

THEY CALL ME MACHO WOMAN! (1989)

  One of my favorite movies of all time is the really dumb Mexploitation classic INTREPIDOS PUNKS. It's about a gang of punks. This movie also is about a gang of no-goodniks, who in this case also run a cocaine factory, but is infinitely stupider than even that film. The problem here is that the filmmakers are clearly going for some intentional comedy in there stupid action movie which doesn't work all that well. Distributed by Troma films which seem to have added annoying sound effects for some reason(because they do that with a lot of their pickups?) and it fits right in with their all-retarded output. It was originally titled EDGE OF FEAR before Troma gave it this stupid title. Also played on cable TV as SAVAGE INSTINCT. I would say check out one of the non-Troma versions but I don't know how different those are anyway and it's really only good for a few dumb chuckles. 

 There was one more movie starring our main gal Debra Sweaney called THE VINEYARD which I assume was just as unpopular as this since she called it quits after that.

SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006)

               "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

  I know I'm almost 20 years behind everyone else who's seen this already but I had so much better stuff to watch first. This might have been a bit better if every snake didn't look like a cartoon CGI thing but then again maybe not. I'm more of a horror film fan and this is more of a thriller/action movie with some slithering killer snakes thrown in for a few gross-out thrills. OK for a one-time watch but pretty mediocre overall. 

HOT CATS IN GREEN HELL (1981)

  This Asian obscurity goes under a plethora of aliases including ANGELS WITH GOLDEN GUNS, TERROR IN A WOMEN'S PRISON, ANGER and my favorite VIRGIN APOCALYPSE. What we got here is one of those movies that seem to be 2 different movies spliced together(One of which I believe is a movie simply titled MARKING). One story we follow is a women-in-prison deal where various ladies are forced into a prostitution ring. The other plotline follows an Asian Charles Bronson-type cop who's trying to find the head of a criminal organization. There are some great scenes of him disco dancing and being hit one by a gay crime boss. In addition to all the girls with guns rebellion going on you get some male genital torture, Goblin's music from SUSPIRIA used to score a sex scene, a baby pig getting snuffed out for real(beware vegans!) and what appears to be 2 mummies fighting(mummy-fu?) to wrap it all up. 

THE ARK OF THE SUN GOD (1984)

  You would think given this title and year of release that you would get a straight-up RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK rip-off but for the most part Italian director Antonio Margheriti gives us instead a more James Bond-ish tale starring David Warbeck in the heroic lead role. To drive this home Roger Moore even gets name-dropped at one point. It does get more into Indian Jones territory towards the end when the discovery of a lost ancient artifact gets put into play. For an action movie this is overall a pretty dull watch that never reall grabbed me and took a couple of attempts to even get through without dozing off. 

 Strangely the DVD I have of this says it's called TEMPLE OF HELL which I don't believe it ever actaully was. 

Margheriti, Warbeck and John Steiner had all made the similar HUNTERS OF THE GOLDEN COBRA 2 years earlier.

Released on video in Sweden(and apparently somewhere else that speaks English) as THE HUNTER: 

LADY STREET FIGHTER (1977)

  Not to be confused with the Japanese SISTER STREET FIGHTER film this is an American action flick filmed in either 1977 or 1975 depending on what website you choose to believe but allegedly not released until 1980. The story involves a hitwoman(writer/producer Renee Harmon) who gets targeted by a gang of assassins who kill her twin sister. From there it's a revenge-o-rama which also shoehorns in a love story, a weird orgy scene where some celery gets fellated and lots of bad dubbing. There's not a whole lot of martial arts and this is one of those movies that becomes very entertaining in its awfulness. Highlights include a full grown woman playing a 5-year old girl, a man flipping the bird while being burned alive and Liz Renay(of John Waters' DESPERATE LIVING fame among other things) doing a striptease. A real gem of crap cinema!

 There was a sequel made in 1990, but not released until 2018, titled REVENGE OF LADY STREET FIGHTER but from what I read that was comprised of a whole lot of the original movie with only about 10 minutes of new footage inserted. Does not sound like essential viewing.

THE BODYGUARD (1973)

  Sonny Chiba plays Sonny Chiba here except in this universe Chiba is not just an actor playing an ass-kicking karate man but also a super dangerous martial artist out to destroy gangsters who push drugs so he takes a job as a bodyguard which puts him into their sites. Doesn't really make much sense like most things that happen in this film. There's quite a bit of bloody violence including a guy who gets his arm ripped off, a decapitation and much bone breaking. Sadly the version I watched of this was a crappy pan-and-scan DVD from back in the day so I mighta missed a few things. Stick with THE STREET FIGHTER for a much better example of Chiba's skills. AKA VIVA CHIBA! THE BODYGUARD

 Quentin Tarantino ripped off the Ezekial 25:17 quote from the beginning of this movie like he rips off pretty much everything else he's ever done. 

INSTANT DEATH (2017)

 Lou Ferrigno was in his 60s when this movie was made but he still takes his shirt off quite a bit and seems to be in excellent shape. I have to believe he would easily beat Arnold Schwarzenegger in a pose down these days! The film itself though is filled with some pretty terrible acting and a completely predictable action-movie revenge plot where Lou's granddaughter gets killed and his daughter gets raped and blinded and then it's gun-fu time.  AKA RAGE(why a movie that I doubt ever played in a theater anywhere needs an alternate title I have no clue)

Unfortunately the YouTube version of this movie has all the violent bits cut out:

FLESHBURN (1984)

  If I had to name my favorite American Indian-revenge film it would have to be JOHNNY FIRECLOUD. This here is kinda/sorta similar except it's also a crazy Vietnam Vet movie and an example of survival horror more than being a straight ahead revenge tale. Sonny Landham stars as our crazy Indian who isn't too happy with being sent to a mental hospital so he breaks out and punishes those involved with his sentencing by kidnapping them and leaving them in the middle of the desert. While that could be the setup to a cool movie(and another MOST DANGEROUS GAME rip-off) it's not exactly executed very well here. Lots of bickering interrupted by an occasional attack or fight scene occur so if that sounds fun give it a go. It doesn't help that the version I watched recently, and that seems to be the most available copy, is a TV-cut which removes any naughty words and any blood that might have been in the original release.

THE FEMALE EXECUTIONER (1986)

 I was initially under the impression that this was a DEATH WISH-rip-off but it's really closer to something like DIRTY HARRY since our main character, played by porn star and Jean Rollin regular Brigitte Lahaie, is a cop who doesn't play by the rules. It also kinda reminded me of a Cynthia Rothrock movie, except with way less impressive fight scenes(This does predate most of those also). A decent enough, though mostly forgettable mix of action and sleaze. There is one stand out scene with a couple of criminals dressed in some insane wardrobe(a pink motorcycle helmet and skeleton suit seem like a great Halloween costume!) for no apparent reason that I'll probably remember most of all.

 

                                         Known as MISS MAGNUM in Finland!:

THE HEROIC TRIO (1993)

 Hong Kong version of a superhero movie that teams up 3 of their big actresses of the 90s Michelle Yeoh(as The Invisible Girl), Maggie Cheung(as a tough biker chick known as The Thief Catcher) and Anita Mui(as Wonder Woman). They face off against an evil baby-snatching demon and his henchman played by Anthony Wong. Even though this isn't quite a Category III film which is what I mainly know Wong from, it's still Hong Kong so you get a bloody scene where a baby ends up getting impaled on a nail and several cannibalistic children wetting themselves while being murdered. Prime comic book action for cult movie fans. Director Johnnie To would go on to make a bunch of cool action/thriller movies over the years. 

 There was a sequel, where it suddenly becomes a post-apocalyptical scenario, which came out the same year. 

                                             Terrible African hand-painted poster!:

DEATH MACHINES (1976)

  This one always kinda reminded me of that Chuck Norris movie, SILENT RAGE, where he fights an unstoppable killing machine. This time though we get 3 killers(white, black and Asian- so diverse!) on the loose who are sent out as hitmen to assassinate various people. So you get our zombie-like killers taking on the mafia, a karate school and a police station among other things. The most unintentionally comedic thing about this movie is definitely the evil big-haired dragon lady boss(Mari Honjo) who hasn't quite mastered English yet.  There's also a totally inconsequential scene where a couple of morons trash the world's crappiest stripclub/dive bar that looks like it was fun to make. Not a terrible timewaster for fans of real trash cinema. 

                    Known in Greece under the glorious title of 3 HARD BASTARDS!:

Played with this sexy co-feature!:

UNMASKING THE IDOL (1987)

  This is a James Bond-rip-off movie starring a fellow named Ian Hunter as the smooth ladies man/Ninja/spy Duncan Jax. Not to be confused with the former lead singer of Mott The Hoople this Ian Hunter is known only for this movie and it's sequel, THE ORDER OF THE BLACK EAGLE(where somehow Jax is no longer doing the ninja bit), that came out in December of this same year. While Bond-rip-offs are not my particularly favorite subgenre this one features a baboon, ingeniously named named Boon, as Duncan's partner in espionage antics and monkey movies sure are! There's a sexy evil Asian lady, wrestler Dan Spivey as an evil henchmen, a cheesy soundtrack, a masked villain who sounds like Darth Vader and lots of explosions(including most importantly a bomb-tossing baboon!). If you're an action movie fan you might find a few laughs here but I'm not sure how it ever received a sequel.  

                               Known in Germany as DUNCAN JACK & MISTER BOON:

and in Spanish as THE CURSE OF THE IDOL:

EASTERN HEROES (1991)

 Originally titled FURY IN RED this is a Hong Kong/Taiwan/Filipino action flick(there's also shots from the U.S.A. inserted to give this quite the international feel). Revenge is the main motif as a battle between Hong Kong police and a Philippines gang takes place. We get an annoying American FBI agent, 2 different pregnant women murdered(one of which is violently raped and carved up first) and lots of kung and gun-fu. There's also gratuitous shots of LETHAL WEAPON 2 and CASUALTIES OF WAR marquees in Hollywood. While not the greatest it's perfectly suitable for lazy Saturday afternoon viewing. 

 Not sure if the Hong Kong movie magazine EASTERN HEROES had any relation to this retitling but it wouldn't surprise me. 

BLOOD RITUAL (1989)

  The tone of this Hong Kong category III flick is, like many films of it's kind, all over the place. It starts out with a bloody, heart-ripping Satanic sacrifice then we get slapstick-like comedy, goofy car-crash antics and then back to some bloody machete-wielding cultists plus some angry cross-dressing aerobics-fu. It is all topped off by a hell of an end fight where our main hero(Norman Chu) takes some major damage.  There's also some very gross use of chopsticks that needs to be seen to be appreciated.