This title here promises something potentially pretty cool. Perhaps a bloody alien invasion romp will ensue? Nah, instead of anything like that let's just have a bunch of semi-comedic scenes thrown together that really don't seem to tell any kind of a coherent story but are loosely about a woman who maybe encounters aliens and maybe has a daughter who is kidnapped and maybe can shape shift into a balding fellow. I have to keep saying maybe because nothing is very clear after watching this thing. Maybe if you're really into weirdo David Lynch movies this might be more appealing to you.
This is technically a sequel to director Hirohisa Sasaki's CRAZY LIPS which I don't think I've ever viewed so maybe if you've seen that first things might make a little more sense though I kinda doubt it.
This is a real snoozefest! Shot on video in 2003, so you know it's probably going to suck, it feels more like you're watching some boring travelogue involving a newlywed couple than an exciting narrative. Certainly not much of note takes place for most of the runtime. Our main male character turns into a vampire because of some evil giant ball of dirt, bites a few people then a ghost-lady shows up and tells him about how she got murdered by her husband. From there it's vampire/ghost tag-team revenge time. Very minimal blood or enjoyment to be had. Works good as a sleeping aid. AKA VAMPIRE HONEYMOON
Total homemade garbage that fails at trying to emulate both a grindhouse movie(with all that dumb digitally-enhanced graininess) and a snuff film(with some exceptionally bad acting). Some actual scenes of death are inserted from one of those TRACES OF DEATH video compilations so if you like that stuff just go watch those instead. The fact that they found an actual operational video store in 2015 to shoot some of this in is pretty astounding. At only about 70 minutes long this is a very tough watch.
Director Dustin Fergus has directed somewhere around 150 things according to IMDB which seems impressive unless they were all shot on a phone and look like home movies. AKA VIDEO KILLERS
Rather than an actual movie-watching experience this felt way more like viewing a very specific fetish video. If death metal, slasher movies and metal chicks in various states of undress all mixed together in what's basically a really long music video seem like something that might turn you on maybe give it a gander. The list of atrocities include castration, dismemberment by miter saw, death by dildo, sledgehammer, axe and other implements of destruction. The bands Soulless and Incantation(whose drummer is also our main character) are featured.
I caught this in the middle of a horror marathon last weekend and since it's a really low budget shot-on-video project it did not look very good projected on a large screen. Probably the coolest thing about this was checking out all the horror movie posters in one of the rooms they filmed in. There is also a lot of gore and some heavy rockin' tunes but overall this is a pretty big waste of time. If it's not unwatchable enough some scenes appear to be shot on even crappier tape than others. There's a telekinetic killer who wears a clown mask for no discernable reason and some zombies show up to end it all. Somehow director Todd Jason Cook would go on to make a bunch more movies like this.
22 years later there was a remake and then 3 years after that there was a sequel to the original film churned out.
Even on a very small screen this is still blurry as hell!:
One of the last movies featuring the great Joe Spinell(best known as that maniac from MANIAC). Sadly he's not very great here and seemingly drunk for most of his scenes. The rest of the "acting" is also just as bad. Really garbagey bottom-of-the-barrel pointless slasher movie. Watch THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS instead!
This is one of those dreaded horror/comedy mash-ups that all the cool kids love. I guess we can blame THE EVIL DEAD franchise for that. This one comes complete with terrible rockabilly songs, terrible rap songs, a retarded dancing zombies(I guess technically they're demons but they sure act a lot like zombies) sequence. Some of the actors here went on to do other notable things but the only one I really recognize is Jeffrey Dean Morgen as the sheriff who went on to be Negan in THE WALKING DEAD series. David Carradine shows up for a quick paycheck and Anthony Perkin's son Oz ends up becoming zombified/demonized and plays the main baddie from there on out. On the plus side there's quite a bit of gore in between the stupidity. I probably wouldn't have ever bothered with this if it wasn't part of a recent movie night gathering with some friends.
If you enjoy watching the very odd-looking Clint Howard act like a weird, messed-up, psychopathic ice-cream man then this is for you. If you can't deal with a horror film in which you don't care about anyone else in the whole movie then maybe not. Overall this is very boring and the gore quotient, outside of some body parts, including eyeballs, in some ice cream, is pretty low. This was the 90s though so it's not very surprising that this sucks ass. At one point you do get to see 2 cops knocked out by ice cream scoops and there are severed heads on giant cones, so that's something. I'd say skip it unless you have a Clint Howard (or Converse All-Star) fetish.
A sequel was talked about in 2014 but hasn't happened yet:
I first saw this in the middle of a marathon of horror movies and pretty much hated it. Upon re-watching it recently at a movie night with some friends I still hate it but I think the overall idea could possibly have been done in a way that isn't so annoying and a waste of time. The H.P. Lovecraft-inspired villain meets SCREAM-inspired meta-horror could have been interesting minus the overuse of cgi and pretention but that seems to be the main problem with these modern films that think they're smarter than they are. There are allusions to tons of horror films (THE EVIL DEAD, HELLRAISER, pretty much every slasher movie ever made and even SCOOBY-DOO) but I think I'd rather watch any one of those over this again.
As a bonus Sigourney Weaver shows up for a brief cameo.
I've owned this movie on DVD for many years but never felt like actually giving it a watch up until recently. The reason for this is that it is from director Jess Franco's later cheap-o shot-on-video years and any clips I had seen from that era looked terrible. Being a Franco completist though I managed to make it through this and it was just as awful as I expected. Franco was attempting to make an erotic comedy here and since it's more annoying than funny it's a tough sit. Also the erotic part is a little hurt by Lina Romay being middle-aged by this point and not at exactly at her peak. Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer do help out in the hotness department but probably my favorite gal in this is Amber Newman, who I'm not very familiar with but want to be. AKA EIGHT LEGS TO LOVE YOU(this is an homage to The Beatles film HELP! which was shot under the title EIGHT ARMS TO HOLD YOU)
Amber Newman shows her friend her butthole in the movie's most thrilling scene!:
Not to be confused with that boring banned-in-Britain slasher movie from the 80s. This is a new movie starring a fat Russell Crowe and while it's not boring, thanks to some CGI car crashes and people getting offed in various violent ways, like most new movies it's pretty stupid. What you get is basically a rehashed version of that FALLING DOWN movie with Michael Douglas except mixed with a bit more of a slasher movie vibe and of course the angry "unhinged" white man is clearly the bad guy here. And since it was made in 2020 there has to be a totally unrealistically tough, ass-kicking female hero character and annoying young people that we're supposed to care about. Sadly every decision our "hero" makes seems like the opposite of what any sane person would do, which kind of belittles the whole "girl-power" message but I guess they needed to move the plot along somehow and original ideas are in very limited supply these days. I guess I'll give credit to Crowe for looking pretty gross throughout the film but I'm not sure if that's much of a recommendation.
Edgelord is a popular term that seemingly-retarded children use to put each other down in online arguments. I've never actually seen it used in an appropriate way. Well here's the only film I've seen where it can honestly be applied to describe it.
This is barely a movie, at 58 minutes, and more of a comedic skit that you might see on YouTube. The "idea" is to make a reverse version of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE where a gang of "edgy" alterna-women led by a gay dude cosplaying as David Bowie from LABYRINTH run around raping men. One guy gets raped by a garden-weasel, a white couple talks like stereotypical black folks for no reason and there's never any nudity or gore which might be things you would put in your dumb rape/revenge skit.
The director, Chris Seaver, was also responsible for the equally terrible THE TERROR AT BLOOD FART LAKE so he's clearly a piece of garbage.
This is one of those 80s horror films where a bunch of stuff happens but none of it makes any sense. The plot, from what I can understand, has something to do with a time-travel experiment back in the 50s that caused things to go kooky an island somewhere off the coast of England. Then back in modern times some teens end up there after running away from some stupid carnival hijinks. Not really a slasher movie(which I'd always assumed it was), not really a zombie movie(though a couple show up), not really much of a New Year's holiday film and not particularly bloody either. It's just a sort-of mish-mosh of a bunch of junk that might be worth watching if you just want something to laugh at.
This is director Norman J. Warren's last feature film. I mainly know ol' Norman from that INSEMINOID movie which also wasn't that great so I guess he's maintained his low level of quality over the years. There is a boxset of his stuff that I have been looking to pick up but that's probably because I am a masochist.
The alternate title of TIME WARP TERROR is way more fitting!:
I've never actually seen an episode of DAWSON'S CREEK or BEVERLY HILLS 90210 or really any TV programs aimed at high school kids and their problems but now after watching this I feel like I have. This movie deals with a semi-retarded girl(AnnaLynne McCord) who has a blood fetish and wants to be a surgeon. The gross-out dream/fantasy bits are just about the only cool parts of this. The rest is just a waste of time with the unfortunate decision to mix heavy drama with comedy which results in just negating each other. Somehow the director even manages to waste John Waters in his portrayal of a boring priest. In more horrible casting Traci Lords plays the mom role even though she looks nothing like her supposed daughter. And of course in typical Hollywood fashion the big genius message here can be summed up with the mantra "religion bad! science good!" and to top it all of this movie, like a lot of modern American films, has some really intense and distracting lighting that makes everything look like a shitty TV show. I would avoid this unless you're currently a 15 year old girl.
This was based on a short film with the same name by the same director(Richard Bates Jr.) and it might work better at 18 minutes but I'll let someone else find out for me.
So someone(director Philip Mora perhaps?) had the idea to make a movie where a lady gets turned into a pterodactyl and that was it. No actual plot("white man bad, Indians good, get revenge" pretty much sums that up) was thought up, no discernible characters were imagined and no jokes, that are even slightly funny, for what I'm told is a comedy, were written. Some cool dinosaur stock footage was used and a half-assed reptile/bird costume was obtained for star Beverly D'Angelo which we get to see her hump her husband in, so that's something. Speaking of Miss D'Angelo, why the hell is she in this movie? I mean she had already starred in VACATION among other big Hollywood films, could things have really gotten that desperate in the 90s for her? Same question can be raised for Brion James from BLADE RUNNER. To even out the goodness of the stock footage you get the badness of a cgi stealth fighter vs. a cgi pterodactyl. Stay away from this unless you really need a nap.
Director Mora would go on to make that ridiculous HOWLING III sequel which is better than this but not by much.
This is probably the worst thing that I've watched twice. Both of these viewings were at drunken movie nights with friends so it wasn't my choice either time. What you get here is a shot-on-video deal about a very pale demon named Hellinger who talks like he's quite constipated and, unconvincingly, rips people's eyeballs out of their heads. It's basically a HELLRAISER rip-off and a very bad one at that. There is one particularly brutal scene involving a rapist who cuts out a gal's tongue, bashes her head in and stabs her vagina a bunch of times that does stand out but most of the film is filled with boring talk about how Mr. Hellinger came to be and not-so stuff like that. They also attempt an action scene which is pretty cringe-worthy. I would avoid this one if I were you and I would have avoided it myself if my friends didn't have such weird taste in crappy movies.
My DVD has director Massimiliano Cerchi's HOLY TERROR on it also but I luckily gave it away before attempting to watch it!:
Director(and Godfather of gore!) H.G. Lewis stopped making movies back in 1972 with his epic swan song THE GORE GORE GIRLS. Unfortunately he then returned in the dreaded 2000s with this sequel to his first gore-filled classic BLOOD FEAST. While over the top gore was quite the novel spectacle back in 1963, by 2002 every hack who could hold a video camera was spewing out this kind of garbage(usually in some sort of zombie film but I digress). I guess Lewis' idea was to make this one a blatant comedy also which might work if anything in the movie was humorous. Sadly the humor is of the "hey watch this fat guy eat stuff"-level and the "hey isn't it wacky how this dead body keeps popping up in different scenes?"-type so don't expect to crack many belly laughs here. I did get some genuine laughs when director John Waters(perhaps the only person who can sorta act in this whole movie?) shows up as a pervy child-loving priest but his scenes amount to only a few minutes. Also the music, which is mostly rockabilly-type stuff, was pretty decent.
Lewis would go on to make 2 more films before he croaked in 2016(one of which, HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS' BLOODMANIA, seems to have been released after his death) but I'm not sure I need to see those. I'd like to remember him for his trailblazing 60s/70s schlock-o-ramas. Having met Mr. Lewis at horror conventions I couldn't help but notice he didn't have any of his newer DVDs for sale so I'll assume these weren't his proudest achievements(or maybe there were some legal issues I'm not aware of).
For a way better sequel to BLOOD FEAST check out BLOOD DINER from the 80s.
I guess you could call this AMITYVILLE 5(which was also the original working title) but that doesn't really matter because this doesn't really seem like much of a sequel. It does take place in the town of Amityville but the house looks completely different and now it has a confessional down in the basement that a priest got murdered in that was moved there from some cursed church, I think. The whole thing is kind of a confusing mess and since I watched it a few days ago it's now just a dreary blurry memory that is thankfully fading fast. Most of the film plays like a crappy slasher movie with ghosts offing people in various ways. It's all pretty boring though as most things from the 90s were.
There were 5 more Amityville films making a whopping 10 movies in all that, outside of the first 3, I don't think I've even heard anything about though I think the next one is the one about the cursed clock that looks like it might be the worst sequel ever.
The whole stupid AMITYVILLE saga!:
1. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)
2. AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION (1982)
3. AMITYVILLE 3-D (1983)
4. AMITYVILLE: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989) TV-movie about a haunted lamp from the original house
5. THE AMITYVILLE CURSE
6. AMITYVILLE 1992: IT'S ABOUT TIME (1992) a cursed clock!
7. AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION (1993) a cursed mirror!
8. AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE (1996) a cursed dollhouse!
9. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005) some shitty Hollywood remake
10. AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (2017)
There's also THE AMITYVILLE ASYLUM (2013) and THE AMITYVILLE PLAYHOUSE (2015) but I think those are just tangentially related.
This is one of those movies I've only seen on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 and RIFF TRAX and I really have no interest in seeing it any other way because it is a pretty fucking stupid film. It stars Reb Brown, who is probably best remembered as playing Captain America in a couple of TV movies back in the 70s, as a hunky beefcake hero who has to quell the titular mutiny aboard a spaceship. This is not just any spaceship though, thanks to a bunch of recycled footage it's actually the ship from the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA program (also from the 70s). John Philip Law is the horribly overacting villain and Cameron Mitchell wears a big silver ensemble that makes him look like he weighs about 500 pounds. There are boobs thanks to our heroine(Cisse Cameron) but I don't think it's worth watching the un-riffed version just for those. There's also lots of dumb laser blaster fights, really slow "futuristic: golf-cart chases, a very 1980s disco, scantily-clad interpretive dancing alien ladies, a nonsensical plot and bad-acting all around. A perfect movie to be mocked but that's about it. AKA MUTINY IN SPACE
Director Rick Sloane made that terrible movie HOBGOBLINS and a whole bunch of those stupid VICE ACADEMY films but this is where he started out. This movie is also pretty crappy but let's look at a couple of positive aspects first. Mary Woronov is really the main good thing about this. It's always good to see her and she's pretty much the main character here as the secretary of a movie theater chain that doesn't take any shit from her stupid boss. In addition to her there's a great trailer showing in one of the theaters here for something called THE CLOWN WHORES OF HOLLYWOOD which looks like a way better, and funnier, film than the one we are watching. Unfortunately I don't think Sloane every made a full length version of this. There's also a couple of ditzy new-wave characters that add some amusing comedic moments to what is a generally dull tale of a haunted theater that turns into a bad slasher flick. Sadly I think these two gals started and ended their careers with this film. Maybe if this had just been a straight up comedy instead of a idiotic spoof of a horror film it would 've worked better. Also maybe an actual ending that made some kinda sense woulda been nice. AKA MOVIE-HOUSE MASSACRE
