MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE (1966)

I first saw this very bizarre movie on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and this is a perfect example of a movie that's really difficult to watch on its own without the help of wise-ass robots. You start off with endlessly boring scenes of driving and then you meet characters played by what must be some of the worst actors ever filmed. The character of Torgo is especially hilarious and extra strange with his stilted speech, weirdo goat-legs and shimmying walk. The story is a pretty simple one about a family that gets lost and ends up at the house of a cult that worships Manos!(the god of darkness or hands or dark hands or something like that). The father acts like a jerk most of the time and the mom seems like a pain in the ass so you don't really care what happens to these annoying creeps anyway. One absurdity leads to the next and thankfully it all ends in a little over an hour. You get totally non-sexy cat-fights with ladies in nighties and also a severed, exploding, flaming hand thrown in for added excitement.  I would recommend only the MST3K version of this otherwise you're just asking for time to stand still. Director Hal P. Warren was a fertilizer salesman and this was, thank god!, his only movie.

"I am Torgo":

BIG TITS ZOMBIE (2010)

 

Also know by the utterly amazing title of THE BIG TITS DRAGON: STRIPPERS 5 VS. ZOMBIES, this is sort of a Japanese version of ZOMBIE STRIPPERS but since it's Japanese it's way more wacky.  Like that movie though this features some porn stars taking a stab at acting in an actual movie.  Well sort of an actual movie if you count shot on video stuff full of CGI as a real movie.  CGI blood usually pisses me off but in these types of movies (MACHINE GIRL, TOKYO GORE POLICE etc.) it fits the absurdity of them since they're all big cartoons of violence anyway.  You get zombie-sushi that flies around and attacks people, intestines that turn into raping tentacles, perverts eating sushi off a naked lady and lots of weird spectacles like that.  As usual in Japanese cinema the goth stripper turns out to be the "bad guy" since anyone who's into underground culture or not part of the mainstream is always the force of evil but maybe I'm reading too much into a movie where zombies play a game of ping-pong with an eyeball.  Some of the scenes were shot in 3-D but the version I saw didn't have any of that.  The one bad thing is that for a movie titled BIG TITS ZOMBIE there isn't a major amount of nudity which is weird but still boner worthy if you're into scantily clad Asian strippers that don't really ever strip.  Check it out if you dig the new wave of extremely stupid Japanese gore flicks.

The Big Titty Dragon!! Why isn't stuff like this playing at my local multiplex?:

FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER (1958)

A young John Ashley(who would later on go to the Philippines and fight monsters there in those Blood Island movies) stars in this 50's updating of the Frankenstein story mixed with teenage drama.  This typically goofy monster flick features Dr. Frankenstein's grandson making monsters.  There are actually two monsters for the price of one in this one.  One is a teen gal who gets slipped a spiked drink and then gets all pasty-faced, grows some goofy-ass giant eyebrows, bug-eyes and stalks the neighborhood all the while wearing nothing but a bathing suit and robe.  Frankenstein also builds another female monster from dead bodies of stupid teens.  This creature, which looks quite masculine, is quite the looker with sort of a Two-Face from BATMAN look.   Her outfit appears to be some kind of Martian workout tracksuit.  She/he/it walks about town doing a version of the robot dance and karate chopping people that get in the way which just looks fucking ridiculous.  This thing is only 75 minutes long and unfortunately a lot of them are exceedingly dull minutes full of talky-talk scenes but there is some monsterific action here and there and actually some blood on a few victims which is rare in these oldies.  Should be fun for hardcore monster fans for nostalgic reasons if nothing else.

THE FLESH AND BLOOD SHOW (1972)

An early Pete Walker horror film made after his successful run of British sexploitation films of the 60's.  Like those films this one has some good looking ladies and lots of nudity on display.  This movie is often cited as being an early example of the slasher film genre and it is that although it's a relatively blood free version.  The story involves a group of actors who are stalked in a theater by a mysterious wack-a-doo nut-job.  I found this film as a whole not really all that engaging and kind of slow through most of its running time.  I feel like Walker was just getting his footing here and would go on to make much better more graphic works throughout the 70's.  There are some clever bits and even a little twist ending thrown in.  My main problem is probably the awesomely graphic title which doesn't convey the restrained nature of a film where most all of the murders take place off-screen.  Check out his later titles for more blood and sleaze filled good times.

The killer's flashback sequence was originally in 3-D:

HITLER MEETS CHRIST (2007)

Great character actor Michael Moriarty star of 80's horror films like Q and THE STUFF wrote a stage play titled HITLER AND CHRIST MEET DEATH AT THE PORT AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL which in turn became this artsy-fartsy indie movie.  What it basically consists of is 70 minutes or so of two bums who believe they are these two respective historical/biblical characters having theological conversations about death, sex, life, good and evil and all that kind of heady stuff.  Sort of like a super serious, downer, bizzarro-world version of Kevin Smith's CLERKS.  Now while this might appeal to folks with religious questions about the nature of forgiveness(would Jesus forgive even Hitler himself?),  I found the whole thing pretty dull and plodding and the completely incongruous ending has the Jesus character attacking Mr. Hitler(who prefers to be called Attila?) with bolts of electricity which just doesn't make any sense at all.  Moriarty, as he usually does, gives an interesting performance as an insane delusional man who may or may not be Der Fuehrer but a feature length film with 2 people talking just isn't my idea of entertainment but the title is great.  If they ever remake this one with some kung fu gorillas I'm all in.

JOE (1970)

"I saw a fella selling junk to children. He gets nervous every time I pass.  Cause he knows that if I catch him. I'm gonna bust his head and kick his fat ass."

There was a time when the younger generation was feared by the older one.  A revolution against old out-dated ways of thinking was in full swing, the old values that had been held onto as examples of what was good with America were crumbling away.  It was in this atmosphere, where people feared their own children, that a film like JOE was spawned and probably hit a familiar chord with audiences of the early 70's.  This film basically encapsulates and puts a face on the struggle, at the time, between conservative and liberal forces and the old vs. the young.  Peter Boyle is great, as always, as the title character who sets the template for Archie Bunker in his racist/bigoted views.  His rambling diatribe of hate speech("look at this shitting music") when we first meet him in some crap-hole bar is amazing and I love to play just that scene completely out of context for friends and unsuspecting guests.  It's always a hit and leaves people with that "what the fuck did I just witness"-look.  This was also Susan Sarandon's first film and we get to see her naked in a bathtub which is a nice little treat.  Seen today this movie will certainly  not have the same resonance it did back in the days of hippie marches and free love orgies due to the dated nature of lots of its scenes but it's a nice view back to a time when the youth had something that hasn't been seen by anyone in a long time, the power to actually change things and the fear that set loose.  All in all it's a fine example of a unique smack-taking, Easter-orgy lovin', junkie-abusing, hippie death trip of a film.

THE AMAZING TRANSPLANT (1970)

In some type of subconscious fit of masochist excess I keep watching the films of crappy sleaze-film maven Doris Wishman.  I know that they will never be all that good but I keep watching no matter how boring or stupid they are and this is one of the dumbest and also pretty boring to boot.  This one involves a man named Arthur who gets a penis transplant from his buddy that was apparently a murdering rapist, who only killed women with cheap gold earrings and then Arthur himself becomes a murdering rapist, who only kills women with cheap gold earrings, because of the demented penis or is it a haunted penis?  Well either way it's bad news for Arthur.  Why does he get a penis transplant you might ask?  Well his buddy was a hit with the ladies so naturally it was his magical penis that turned all the women on or something like that.  The whole movie really doesn't make any sense.  Arthur blackmails the doctor into performing the ridiculous operation and then when he realizes he's a homicidal maniac he turns around and blames the doctor like it wasn't his own idea in the first place!?  Plus you don't even get to the penis transplanting stuff until about an hour or so into this so most of the film consists of soft-core sex scenes which pad out a majority of the running time.  Of course this will not stop me and I will be watching more Doris soon enough(DEADLY WEAPONS or maybe the original SATAN WAS A LADY) and keep hoping for the best but knowing she will keep crushing my dreams of quality smut.

Snazzy trailer!:

FUEGO (1969)

                                                                        "FUEGO!"

 Made back in The 60's in Argentina this sexploitation classic was banned in its home country for its lewd sexual displays(consisting of star Isabel Sarli's tremendous boobs and hetero plus homosexual slutty antics).  A favorite of director John Waters(no doubt due to its similarities to Russ Meyers films) and you can see where Divine was inspired with the amazingly pouty and gyration-filled performance of Ms. Sarli.  I find it amazing in reading more about Sarli that she was, in real life, a quiet Catholic gal who hated doing nude scenes but only did them to help out her lover(director Armando Bo) and I'm sure her assets helped sell many tickets.  If this little factoid is true then I would rate this as one of the greatest(and maybe campiest) performances of all time.  I also feel that in addition to the obvious sex for sex's sake there is a, surely unintentional, feminist message throughout the film.  I mean Sarli's Laura character seems pretty content with her life of sleeping around and enjoying continual lesbian romps with her maid up until the point where she gets married to a man who wants to possess her completely.  This being the 60's and being South America this theme isn't explored very fully and relegates any lesbianic tendencies of hers to being unnatural urges brought on by her insatiable "sickness".  After viewing this you will likely have visions of Latino boobs dancing through your head and as an added bonus the theme song "FUEGO!" will also be stuck in there for a while. Watching this today it all comes off as a hilariously campy film that was made with what I'm pretty sure at the time of filming were somewhat serious intentions, at least as serious as a film primarily made to show off a woman's huge breasts can be.



John Waters introduction:

BIGFOOT (1970)

John Carradine, a bunch of bikers and a few rednecks star in what may be one of the first Bigfoot movies of the 70's and what also might be one of the dumbest Bigfoot movies ever.  In this one Bigfoot is the head of a whole family of Bigfeet and they kidnap big boobed girls to mate with.  They try to rip-off KING KONG with some unconvincing shots designed to make Mr. Foot look way bigger than he is.  What makes it extra stupid is the rubber masks and flea-bitten costumes all the creatures wear.  It's kind of a cool idea to have bikers fighting against Bigfoot but these aren't exactly the toughest looking bikers or the scariest looking monsters I've ever seen.  With its intentional camp factor this whole film seems just one sliver away from turning into the 60's BATMAN TV show.  Haji from FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! shows up in a small part.  I think my favorite part of this is the far-out soundtrack.  Only check this one out if you dig extra goofiness in your garbage cinema.

SOUND OF HORROR (1964)

"Try to be patient with her, Stravos, she's only an amateur and a woman"

Early Spanish monster/adventure movie(released here in American on a double bill with Mario Bava's KILL BABY KILL") about a group of cave explorers who set loose an invisible, blood-drinking, screeching dinosaur.  Saving money on any monster FX this movie instead contains a bunch of invisible footprints and silly stuff like the scene where the prehistoric beast is hit with axes and then they appear to just float through the air for a while.  The cast includes Soledad Miranda who would go on to star in a bunch of Jess Franco sex romps like VAMPYROS LESBOS before dying in a car crash.and the debut of Ingrid Pitt who would go on to star in some Hammer lesbian vampire movies.  Although as expected this is cheesy and badly dubbed in places it does somehow manage to be kind of creepy in places as well.  When the group lock themselves up in a house it even has that NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD feel to it.  Despite it's absurd premise I found this to be a  watchable waste of time for trash film fans. 

MANBEAST! MYTH OR MONSTER? (1978)

Bigfoot, along with UFO's, The Bermuda Triangle and The Loch Ness Monster were super popular subjects throughout the 1970's.  There were tons of movies, books and TV shows dedicated to these and other stupid, easily-explainable mysteries but I suppose those were different times when people wanted to believe in the existence of scary monsters and magical beings like Evel Kneivel for example.  This made for TV documentary about Bigfoot (here called the Manbeast!) is basically just an overlong version of the 70's TV show IN SEARCH OF... without the Leonard Nimoy narration(this one is narrated by professional animal and monster hunter Peter Byrne).  In fact this thing was based on a book titled IN SEARCH OF MYTHS AND MONSTERS so there ya go.  Directed by Nicholas Webster, who is best known for the holiday gem SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, all the actual "encounters' with the Manbeast are recreated here with people in cheesy costumes(by Rob Bottin who would go on to do the much superior FX work on THE THING among other big films) and told in such an earnest way that everything seems so very silly.  Check it out if you dig 70's TV or just Bigfootsploitation in general covered in lots of unintentional cheese.

TERROR (1978)

Mildly amusing haunted house flick mixed with an early version of a slasher flick  Not really a good example of either one of those genres unfortunately.  It seems that a witch, who was burned at the stake, left a curse which causes a group of people to meet grisly fates.  I've seen this movie compared to the works of Dario Argento in a few places and I can maybe, sorta, kinda(if I squint really hard) see the comparison but only in a really cheap non-stylized fashion.  The main similarity might be that this film doesn't make a whole lot of sense and seems to be just a collection of different murder scenes strung together without much thought to a coherent stream.  The film is nowhere near as gory or artsy as Argento's best stuff and it all ends in a stupid illogical supernatural climax.  I would say this one is pretty skip-able plus the title itself is completely forgettable.

HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (1970)

"This film is dedicated to those who are disturbed by today's lax moral codes and who eagerly await the return of corporal and capital punishment"

The problem with a lot of England's horror movie output from the 60's and 70's is that they were very restrained in comparison to their counterparts in Italy and other parts of Europe and as a result come off as pretty boring to most audiences today.  English director Pete Walker was one exception to this rule though in that his films dealt with some pretty sleazy subject matter and contained enough violence and nudity to satisfy most lovers of lurid cinema such as myself.  HOUSE OF WHIPCORD is a good example of this in that it's sort of a women in prison film but not in the typical sense.  This prison is being operated without any consent of the state and is run by a former warden who was fired for cruelty and a retired judge.  They deal out punishment and even executions with no authority to do so.  There's a clear anti-capital punishment message contained here that I think is delivered really well.  While classier than many of the bottom of the barrel women in prison movies that would come later it still contains enough whippings, dirty naked prisoners and enough of an overall crazy tone to make for a good time.   This along with the also recommendable FRIGHTMARE are the only two Walker flicks that I've seen so far but there's a few more I want to check out.