BLACK DEVIL DOLL (2007)

 How can you go wrong with a movie starring Precious Cox? I caught the east coast premiere of this last night. The closest thing I can compare this to is a 1970's blaxploitation porno but you would have to mix that with gore, vomit, anal-raping and a killer puppet among other scenes of ridiculousness. Independently made by the guys at Rotten Cotton T-shirts, this is a great sorta remake of the Chester Turner shot-on-video classic BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL. If you have never seen that one I recommend it as well. Not sure where you would find it though. It takes that movie and turns it into big bloody boobied mess. Yes, it does top the original which is a rare feat. Now if they would finally release this DVD so more people can see this the world will be a better more fucked-up place.

HELL RIDE (2008)

How do you fuck up a biker movie starring Dennis Hopper, David Carradine, Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones? I guess you would start by making everything really stylized and unrealistic. Write some really awful dialogue that sounds like someone badly mimicking a Quentin Tarantino flick. The only plus is the hot naked biker chicks that are on display. I was a huge Tarantino fan back in the 90's but can we all agree that the time to rip him off has come and gone with all the other outdated remnants of that horrible decade? Let's try ripping off someone different just for a change. Of course finding anyone in modern cinema worth ripping off might be a tough job.

Here's a typical retarded scene of embarrassingly acted nonsense:

FACTOTUM (2005)

The Charles Bukowski semi-bio-pic BARFLY is a personal fav of mine from way back. I've probably seen it a dozen times at least. Never even heard of this sorta remake/ sorta based on the same story IFC movie until I found it in the dump bin at the local shitty big chain DVD rental shithole for a couple of bucks. If you're not a fan of BARFLY or a fan of Bukowski in general this probably wouldn't be worth watching. As a fan of Bukowski's work I was entertained. Can't say much of anything exciting really happens in the whole movie but it is what it is. What it is is a slice of life. A man searching for his place in the world. Or maybe just a tale about endurance or being true to your own set of standards. Never been a Matt Dillon fan but he does a good job in this and I give him props for that.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)

A good rule of thumb has been to look outside the U.S.A. for quality horror films. Hollywood stopped making movies that weren't geared towards zombies/consumerists a long time ago. According to my girlfriend if you take that big hit teeny-bopper movie TWILIGHT and add some blood and gore and reverse the gender and lower the age of the characters you would have this movie. Having never seen that mass-produced, mall-mentality Hollywood romance garbage I'll take her word on that. Overall I found this to be a really well-done take on a vampire movie. Having the vampire be a young female child made it unique in a way. Bordering on the artsy pretension that many Swedish films seem to fall into it realistically conveys a cold world. Who can't relate to the spazzy nerdish kid who's picked on and terrorized by his peers? I guess jocks and other insecure members of the mainstream can't but I know I can. George Romero's MARTIN is still my #1 vampire movie of all time but this one is worth checking out.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)

 How do you screw up a FRIDAY THE 13th movie? I really didn't think it was possible for me to hate a movie with Jason Voorhees in it as much as I hate this one. They've put Jason in space, had him travel to New York, had him fight Freddy Kreuger and Carrie, they even made him a body-jumping black slug and all of those things I found at least slightly entertaining. Movie makers currently think all they have to do is remake something so it's new. The sad thing is that it seems like the majority of horror fans agree with this. As long as it's new it's quality? It's a strange concept that I can't wrap my head around. Of course most younger movie fans wouldn't watch anything older than 1990 anyway so I guess it makes some kind of strange sense. This movie set a box-office record for a R-rated horror movie. Unfortunately my money was included in that total. This is the worst most boring FRIDAY THE 13th ever. Worse than the shitty TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake(which it even sorta resembled in a few ways)made by the same team of douche bags. A perfect example of Hollywood garbage trying to cash in on 80's nostalgia. The sad thing is that I will be first in line to see part 2 cuz I hear it's gonna be in 3-D. I love 3-D! MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D blew this away by far. Let's hope they try to rip off some of that movie for the next one.

This trailer can't begin to convey the shittyness of the whole film:

HARD CANDY (2005)

I like movies where there aren't any heroes. Kind of reminds me of real life a whole lot more than something like RAMBO. In real life the right answers aren't always very clear cut. I'm guessing this movie wants you to side with the psycho 14 year old girl character over the pedophile and yeah that is the side people would identify with more but neither one is especially likable in their actions. This movie does make you flip back in forth in your thoughts a few times and that's pretty cool in my book. Of course I don't really read that many books just watch stupid movies. This movie though isn't too stupid. There are a few scenes that stretch the believability factor a bit. I mean this guy murdered a girl before but he can't get it together to kill this little girl? Overall I found it entertaining but mildly flawed. It's a movie that doesn't need to be seen more than once but that's OK. I think I'd score this a 5 or 6 out of ten stars. Credit for the realistic scummy human beings portrayed and minus points for the absurdity of certain situations.

Here's Ellen Page squeezing her boobs from another movie and don't worry she's over 18:

FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 (1982)

FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 has always been my favorite of this whole slasher series. It's simple and dumb just like all the rest but it's just always been the one I think of as the best example of why I like this series at all. The first few F13's have that exploitation movie element that the later ones are missing once Jason becomes a zombie/monster. Those later movies are simply monster movies. Not that there's anything wrong with a monster movie but I usually like my slashers with at least a touch of realism and sleaze. There's even some vague reference to Jason being a rapist in this one that I don't think most people notice. This is just the perfect Jason as slasher/retard. When the fuck did he cut his hair from Part 2? Who knows. Don't bother buying the new DVD of this though. I waited forever to see this thing in 3-D and the new DVD doesn't look very 3-D at all. Fuck Paramount. Don't call your movie 3-D if the effect doesn't work. Pricks! Gonna go see the remake tonight even though I'm sure it will never stack up against any of the 80's classic slashers.

THE WIZARD OF GORE (1970)

                                                                   "It was Montag!!!" 

  Yeah, this is one of the original H.G. Lewis gore flicks that paved the way for all the slasher and other gore movies and made history and made Lewis "the godfather of gore". Hard to put a movie like that down. It's stupid, silly gore for gore's sake. But it's a fun movie to watch anyhow. This last time I watched it I noticed how painfully illogical and meaningless the ending scenes are. So it wasn't really Montag doing the killings the whole time?? Or was it?? I guess these things aren't ever meant to be fully known by mortal men. This movie is sort of a quaint old-time blueprint of BLOODSUCKING FREAKS. I wanna check out the Crispin Glover remake sometime soon. I don't imagine it will stack up in the campy kitsch department like the original but it might be interesting anyway. I liked the 2000 MANIACS remake enough. Not really a remake but a sequel BLOOD FEAST 2 was kinda crappy but it had some good points in it too(like John Waters creepy priest character). I think BLOOD DINER was a better remake of that one. Wow, how many gore movies can I reference in one paragraph? Anyway like most all of Lewis' films this one's very stupid but fun and historical.

                                              One of the all-time great VHS covers!:

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)

 If you're gonna do a remake of anything do something different. Remaking MY BLOODY VALENTINE in 3D is an idea I can get behind. 3D is just cheesy enough to make anything a little bit better. The effect works really good here too, which is a plus. I remember seeing METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN back in the 80's with the old style red/blue glasses and that worked OK but this blows it away. But similar to METALSTORM the actual movie is pretty dumb. The ending scenes seem to have been stolen from some SCOOBY-DOO episode and, having watched many episodes of SCOOBY as a kid, I knew exactly how it was gonna turn out, even with all the stupid attempts to switch who the suspected killer is. Now when are they gonna start making virtual reality movies? I wanna feel like I'm in the next remake of this running away from old Harry the crazy-miner just like my life depended on it. As a great big added bonus we get to see some nudity with our slashings. Finally, I was starting to think Hollywood had banned the showing of boobs or something.

ISLE OF THE DAMNED (2008)

Wow, this is a new cannibal flick made in Baltimore(I love how stupid people are fooled into believing it's from the 80's and Italy though, dumb asses!). I caught this at a special showing in the back of a restaurant. I've often thought that cannibal films and fine dining should be brought together and finally it was, for one night anyway. I found the movie delightfully entertaining. A true gourmet treat for fans of those old silly 80's cannibal flicks. Most of my friends didn't get the joke. It's a spoof. Cannibal movies aren't some sacred untouchable film style that's above being ridiculed. For the most part they're all pretty silly anyway despite the pretentiousness of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. You got castrations, multiple rapes, body parts & heads lopped off and of course cannibalism amongst other gory sights. The only thing missing is the animal killings which I think is a good thing although there is some rabbit fucking to watch out for. Overall, a good time if you can deal with the low-budget and silliness of it all. Wanna check out director Mark Colegroves other flick PLEASURES OF THE DAMNED if I can find it anywhere.

BUFFALO '66 (1998)

This one is definitely in my top ten somewhere, maybe even top 5. My first love is horror and/or exploitation movies. This isn't either one of those. A great movie is a great movie though regardless of what genre or category you want to stick it into or label yourself a fan of. Personally I hate most labels when it comes to art. Fortunately most horror films are very far from works of art. Anyway the selling point of this movie is Vincent Gallo's character of Billy Brown. You love Billy Brown because of the shitty life he's had. You relate to the character because he feels real. Sometimes the feelings he portrays strike pretty close to the ones we've all felt after being screwed over or fucked with by people in our lives. I say we've all felt these but I guess I should disqualify the type of people who hate this movie. Those people obviously have no depth anyway or at least not a depth that comes with acknowledging the harshness of reality. I suppose there are people that just hate Vincent Gallo. If that's the case then don't even attempt watching this. It's all his show and that works fine for me. Christina Ricci is also great in this although personally I prefer her with dark hair. Being a fan of the classic 1970's unhappy ending, I'm always suspicious of the happy cop out ending that Hollywood reverts to for most of their garbage mainstream movies. This is one of the few movies where it doesn't feel like a cop out but a natural extension of the characters development. We get a glimpse of the potential nihilistic consequences anyhow and that doesn't seem to be the place to end it all. Because as horrible of a person we might find Billy Brown to be in certain aspects we see ourselves in him. Or at least I do. Now I gotta go find that BROWN BUNNY movie and watch Vinnie G get a blowjob.

CATHY'S CURSE (1977)

OK, this is a French movie made in Canada. Basically it's a ridiculous rip-off of THE EXORCIST. The little girl isn't possessed by Satan though just a ghost. So I guess that would kinda make it a rip-off of POLTERGEIST too if that movie was made first that is. As it is it's great for a laugh though. I also smell a little OMEN influence. See a little girl kill people with her evil little rag-doll. See her hang out with her pervy old babysitter drunk grandpa and call this woman a fat cow and a dried up whore. Oh yeah some great scenes of hilarity in this one. I love when cute little girls curse out old people. I guess it's a good thing I'm not the parent of one. So to sum it up I bought this movie for 33 cents and it was worth every penny. Oh yeah and always remember little girls "you're mother's a bitch". Words of wisdom there.

                                               Known in Italy as DAMNED SPELL:

HITCH HIKE (1977)

 Besides LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT this is my fav David Hess movie and besides some of the spaghetti-westerns he's done this is my fav Franco Nero flick. The team-up of these 2 cult stars works great. Clorinne Clery as Franco's wife also does a great job and is naked most of the time which makes for nice scenery. Hess has mentioned in interviews that he was planning on doing more films with director Campanile right before he died. It's really a shame that never happened. So, if ya think it would be groovy to see Hess doing his LAST HOUSE shtick in a well-made Italian thriller this would be the one to check out. Of course this, along with HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK, are the big 3 movies of Hess' career. Franco plays a character pretty dissimilar from most of the ones I've seen him do. He's a bitter married drunk and I find his portrayal very humorous. In fact the more times I watch it the more comedic elements I find, although maybe those are unintentional. It's probably due to director Pasquale's usual forays in silly sex comedies. It's really too bad he didn't make more movies like this.