RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP (2008)

 The original SLEEPAWAY CAMP is one of the nuttier, goofier of the 1980's slasher flicks that I am a big fan of. This one is a sorta decent sequel(part 5). Thanks to Wes Craven and that shit-hole smart-ass SCREAM movie in the 1990's they stopped making slasher movies that were any good. Of course whether any slasher movies are all that good is debatable. I find the golden age ones are enjoyable enough though. This being a modern-day version my expectations are pretty low. There's only a couple of newer slashers that I think are any good at all. LAID TO REST is a pretty decent one from what I remember and that's all that immediately comes to mind. Most of the kills in this are ridiculous and the cast is intentionally annoying. You wait for what feels like an eternity for the fat annoying kid to get killed. Best viewed with helpful alcohol. Isaac Hayes is in it for a bit and then disappears in what is sadly his last movie appearance. If you have a choice go with the 1983 recipe.

PUNK ROCK (1978)

I wanted to like this one more than I did. I mean mixing 70's punk rock with a porn movie seems like a natural, yet I had never seen it done before. Unfortunately the version I have is a soft-core version with all the fucking and sucking cut out. There is more music in this version though. The band THE FAST seem pretty awesome and I will be checking them out if possible. The whole thing doesn't really work as a look at the punk movement of the time since these bands are pretty unknown aside from THE FAST. And besides them these bands all seem pretty lame. The story is also a fairly dumb typical private-eye kinda thing. This is also known under various titles in differing degrees of raunchiness including- TEENAGE RUNAWAYS, ROCK FEVER and its original working title of PUNK ROCK ORGY MADNESS. How do you not go with PUNK ROCK ORGY MADNESS??? I guess that shows the brains behind this. As disappointing as this is it's still better than 98% of the porn made today and I can say that without even seeing the sex scenes. Go to Alpha Blue archives to get the hardcore version as seen above.

THE MARIJUANA MENACE (1937)

A.K.A- ASSASSIN OF YOUTH

The retarded sister of REEFER MADNESS? Actually REEFER MADNESS is pretty retarded in its own way. This anti-pot-smoking cautionary soap-opera-ish tale actually came first but it's not quite as ridiculous as its follow-up. There's a skinny dippin' scene with some brief 1930's nudity and lots of joint smokin' which makes these so-called teens act very goofy. There's also a town-gossip who looks just like the wicked witch from THE WIZARD OF OZ who rides around on a crazy looking moped instead of a broom. I've never watched this high but I'm thinking that might put me to sleep. In fact it is overall a good movie to put on if you're trying to get to sleep.

PLEASE DON'T EAT MY MOTHER (1973)

If you take LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and add some almost hardcore sex scenes this is what you get. Now if all remakes would add sex and ridiculous comedic scenes maybe they would have something going for them. The whole thing is ridiculous and badly acted but totally entertaining in a great campy way. Features Rene Bond who's familiar from tons of other exploitation movies. It's the kind of movie they invented Something Weird video for. The DVD from SW includes a great short called THE VOYEUR with star Buck Kartalian in which he plays a pervy peeper. A great package. AKA GLUMP, PLEASE NOT MY MOTHER, HUNGRY PETS, SEX POT SWINGERS and PLEASE RELEASE MY MOTHER

ANTICHRIST (2009)

How do you describe this one? A meditation on relationships, human-nature, death, life? Or is it Lars Von Triers version of a horror film, or simply as he's stated a by-product of depression? It can be seen as all those things and more. I guess it depends on what you bring to it. As with any good piece of art there are different interpretations open to the viewer. The most popular take has been that this is an anti-female movie. I can see where that's perhaps the most blatantly easy thing to come away with. I think it also depicts the male as being a coldly logical being. I think because of the brutal honesty on display there are bound to be people offended for various reasons real or imagined. A visually stunning presentation with thoughts abounding. I've seen it twice now and I think it's up there with the best in its uniqueness so much so that I got a tattoo stating "Chaos Reigns!" right across my back. 

 

ZOMBIE 5: KILLING BIRDS (1987)

A couple of gory scenes are all that one can recommend from this bottom of the list Euro-zombie crapfest. First rule of spaghetti zombie movies should be that you have to include more than 1 or 2 zombies that only appear intermittently. Second rule is the story doesn't really matter cram your movie full of action and gore and everyone who likes these kind of movies will be happy. This movie tries to tell a very muddled story about this Vietnam vet getting revenge on his wife for screwing around and somehow turning her and the rest of his family all into zombies with the help of a bunch of birds who for some reason pluck the crazy vets eyes out or something like that. The problem is, as you can tell by that description, is that nothing really makes any sense and the more they try to tell a story the more stupid it becomes. Rule number 3 if your gonna make a stupid movie go for it. Go balls out and make it as dumb as you can. Then at least we can all get a few good laughs. The worst thing about this movie is of course the fact that it's a challenge to stay awake through most of the boring talky senseless parts which make up the majority of the movie. If you just want some gore watch the first few minutes for the murders then fast forward about 60-70 minutes until a couple of zombies show up and some dumb Italians in ugly 80's clothes get killed in ridiculous ways.

GRANNY (1999)

Truly awful nonsensical garbage. This movie does everything wrong except make the running time under an hour. The gore FX defy gravity & logic. There are no scares. The acting is abysmal, with everyone appearing to be reading their lines. There's a surprise ending that's just silly where we find out that things we saw happen didn't even happen. Boy do I hate cop out endings! They pad this thing out with long drawn-out shots of people doing nothing interesting(like putting on make-up or talking for what seems like forever). They have to pad out a movie that's under an hour long? Ridiculous. The story itself is pretty freakin' thin. I mean it's just a variation of the movie APRIL FOOL'S DAY, if I remember that movie correctly, and that film wasn't all that great either. The only good thing I can say is it seems to have been shot well. Too bad nothing happens that's very exciting. A friend of mine actually gave me this DVD. I can totally see why.

The trailer for this sucks ass also.

A GOOD TIME WITH A BAD GIRL (1967)

Prolific crap-movie director Barry Mahon directs this mind-bogglingly sleazy and dumb epic. It's sort of a shitty version of LOLITA with a middle-aged man having an affair with a 17 year old girl. Except later on in the movie we learn that he can't get it up. So I'm not sure how he had an affair. I mean did they just "smooch"? Well whatever. It starts off with an ass and some tits shaking for us all and then goes downhill pretty quickly. Probably the most boring nudie-cutie movie I've seen yet. Contains lots of stock footage of Las Vegas inserted and a main character who is a complete douche-bag square. I mean he has a chance to get wild in a bathroom with some 60's trollop and he turns that down, this young totally immoral thing is all over him and he apparently can't seal that deal. Just a typical 1960's square, man! It took me 3 attempts before I could get through the whole thing and it's only an hour long! Can't recommend this unless you are really into watching vintage vibrators do their stuff.

"Groovy"

THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN (1938)

If you are looking to see an all midget movie this might be you're only chance. Jed Buell's midgets star in what would be a pretty typical 30's style western and probably unwatchable if not for the novelty aspect. If you can get past the terrible musical bits sprinkled throughout, this is an amusing 60 minutes or so of weirdness. You get midget-fu, midget gun-fightin' and lots of awful midget acting. Along with REEFER MADNESS this used to play on USA's Night Flight show all the time, which is were I first laid eyes on it. For a similar experience look for HARLEM RIDES THE RANGE an early all-black western.

GIRL IN TROUBLE (1963)

The story of the world's most naive blond. Stupid Judy runs away from home to the big city of New Orleans. A sleazy guy gives her a ride and then attempts to rape her. She almost kills him by bonking him in the head with a big rock. From there she steals the car and proceeds with no real plan except getting away from her shitty hometown. This doesn't go very well for Judy. She runs into a lot of creepy guys along the way. Finally she meets Mona, the sorta motherly figure who seems to be quite the party gal as well. Mona isn't a very good influence on Judy. She gets her a crappy job where Judy ends up getting raped, then as some sort of strange therapy gets her another job being an old-timey stripper and ultimately gives her some pills which she promptly O.D.'s on. The movie really should have been all about Mona. She was a hoot and I felt like she would be lots more fun to hang out with. All in all I found the movie O.K. even though it dragged big time in many spots. You get a little nudity and minimal blood.

SLACKER (1991)

This here is one of the milestones of 90's indie cinema. The movie that inspired Kevin Smith to start making films, for whatever that's worth. Is it that wonderful though? This movie ain't for everyone. It's like a stream of consciousness put to celluloid. I do find it mesmerizing and I do like it while I'm caught up in it's trip. I would never recommend it to anyone though. Director Richard Linklater went on to make a bunch of Hollywood crap after this interesting early work. The main flaw I can comment on is that the whole thing just screams 1990's and there's not much that's worse than the 90's except for the 00's and I'm sure the 10's as well. So Generation X here's your movie and just like your whole generation it's amusing for the moment and then ultimately forgettable.

Traumatized yatch owner:

SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE (2002)

The king of Korean cinema for the last 10 years has been Chan-Wook Park. This is the 1st movie in his "vengeance" trilogy. Which exists as a trilogy only because of similar themes in the individual movies rather than one continuing storyline. I think this one might be my favorite of all 3. OLDBOY might have some more shocking things going on but this one doesn't seem to drag in parts like that one does for me. The main thing I like about this is there aren't really any clear cut characters to root for. Just like in life things are very gray when it comes to moral decisions. Is the moral of the story that vengeance leads to more suffering? Maybe, but doesn't the end scene kind of contradict that? Sorta. Anyway this is the movie I'm going to if I wanna see some serious revenging goin on just for the organ donation scam slaughter scene alone it's worth watchin.

"Defeat the communists! The way for Korea is victory! Dismantle the conglomerates! Drive out U.S. Army! Destroy the new liberalism that ruins the lives of the people!"

RESERVOIR DOGS (1992)

 Yeah, yeah I know everyone and their mother has seen this one. It propelled Tarantino towards that ultimate fanboy status and all that crap. Looking at it now seeing where Tarantino ended up is kinda weird. I mean personally I think after KILL BILL it's been all downhill. Some might argue it but I think by that point he had reached his high point. The best thing about this movie is that it tells its story in about 90 minutes. There's actually stuff that was edited out, imagine that. It succeeds in building an uneasy feeling towards it's climax. Yeah there's plenty of talking but it works in a much smoother fashion than in his later work, at least for me. It's also successful in making everyone cool in a somewhat believable fashion unlike a bunch of females sitting around talking like movie-nerds as in DEATH PROOF. If you have never seen this then you're probably too young to remember when it was still fresh anyway.