EVEN LAMBS HAVE TEETH (2015)

  I have extremely low expectations for any horror film made in the 2010s so this one at least slightly exceeded those. It starts off with 2 annoying gals which makes you want to turn this off after a few minutes but if you stick with it you do get a modern interpretation of the classic rape/revenge plot. The tone of the film is all over the place with brutal sexual assault(with no actual nudity or rape shown since we now live in strict puritanical times for some reason?) followed by stupid jokey-jokes complete with terrible music video montages. There's a rapist who wears a pighead mask that might remind you of MOTEL HELL and that's maybe the biggest problem with this movie is that it constantly reminds you of and references much better films from the past from DELIVERANCE to DEER HUNTER. Clearly the director, Terry Miles, has seen quite a few Quentin Tarantino movies. 

DEATH SHIP (1980)

 George Kennedy gets possessed by some evil old Nazi sailor ghosts on a mysterious ship of death! This one starts out with a bang as a cruise ship gets totaled by our naughty titular boat but then settles in to what's basically a disaster film crossed with a ghost movie.  Not sure that it works all that well but it's fun seeing Mr. Kennedy gradually become an unhinged psycho.   

Known in Danish as HEADING TOWARDS DEATH!:

SHIVERS (1975)

  Big fan of director David Cronenberg but his first horror film here has never really been my favorite. It's kind of a zombie movie except these zombies are really horny! Oh and they're actually controlled by a parasite that sneaks around like a slug and crawls into people's orifices(including the great Barbara Steele in a bathtub). Lynn Lowry gets naked for no reason and we get lots of orgy scenes to go along with the murderous rampages. Still an impressive early movie clearly made on a low budget with ideas that would be more fleshed out in years to come. AKA IT CAME FROM WITHIN and THEY CAME FROM WITHIN

Known in Italy as THE DEMON UNDER THE SKIN:

STARSHIP INVASIONS (1977)

   I saw this film at a recent gathering of friends to view films on 16mm and was told that this was a STAR WARS ripoff. I think that might have been pretty tough to pull off since it was released only 5 months after Lucas' all-time blockbuster. What it actually is though is one of the weirdest roles for horror icon Christopher Lee. Mr. Lee plays an alien who dresses up in something that resembles a superhero outfit, doesn't have to speak any lines of dialogue since he communicates telepathically and runs around killing some competing enemy aliens that look like albino Braniacs or something. There's also a goofy spiky helmeted robot and Robert Vaughn as a turtleneck-wearing earthling who gets abducted and taken for a flying saucer trip.  It's all pretty awful and should probably only be viewed in it's Riff Trax version if you really feel the need to see this.

                                                                          Thai-fi!:

French poster!:

SUPERSTITION (1982)

 What we got here is a Canadian-made 80s supernatural slasher flick. Since it's supernatural, dealing with a witch coming back after almost 200 years to get revenge for being executed, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If you just want to see a few cool kill scenes though this does deliver those goods. You get a flying sawblade death, various killer inanimate objects(including a microwave, an elevator and a window) and an old decrepit witchy monster with long-clawed fingers. There's unfortunately also a couple of stupid kids but luckily this movie isn't afraid of kid deaths, so that's something. Overall a pretty dumb flick for slasher fans that have seen everything else already.  AKA THE WITCH

Goofy-ass trailer that I think is narrated by Brother Theodore:

Known in Italy as THE HOUSE OF MARY:

GHOSTKEEPER (1981)

  This a super slow-moving Canadian horror flick. It's sort of a ghost story because elements of it seem like a SHINING rip-off, oh, and it says "GHOST" right there in the title. There's also a monster involved though it doesn't get used all that much sadly. My favorite part is probably the bit where one of our potential victims tells a weird inappropriate story about seducing her teacher to impress her friends. Besides that, and the admittedly impressive creepy atmosphere, this one is pretty skippable. I also subtracted points because the preamble before the movie talks about a Wendigo(spelled Windigo for some reason) and that makes me think of that white Bigfoot guy from Marvel Comics and that guy never shows up. 

 

THE PYX (1973)

I own this on a DVD under the title HOOKER CULT MURDERS and brought it to a movie night gathering many years ago and remember being pretty letdown due to it not living up to that title in the least. Viewing it more recently, with lowered expectations and under it's original PYX title, I would give it a higher rating. It's still a pretty somber tale of our main character's (Elizabeth Lucy played by Karen Black(who also supplies a few songs on the soundtrack)) downward spiral that culminates right in the opening of the film with either a suicide or a murder. The film is shown partly in flashback which is an interesting choice. Definitely a slow-burn of a film so if you're looking for something to laugh at with a group of friends this might not be optimal but for a weird little downer of a Satanic 70s experience give it a look.

THE BABADOOK (2014)

 I originally had no interest in seeing this. A modern movie featuring a little kid in one the lead roles is not exactly on the top of my list of things to watch. Due to a recent movie night gathering of friend and acquaintances I was forced to watch this. Luckily it was way better than I had anticipated. Perhaps due to it being made in Australia and not the U.S. it ditched some of the cliched ghost movie tropes that I was expecting and worked as a metaphor for dealing with loss and the inevitable accompanying grief. GHOST STORY meets HOME ALONE meets a psychological thriller that doesn't pander for mass acceptance. I'm not sure this one is very re-watchable but I'm glad I experienced it once anyway. 




This was based on a short film from 2005, also by director Jennifer Kent:

Monster - Jennifer Kent from Jennifer Kent on Vimeo.

DEADLY HARVEST (1977)

 This one is an end of the world(thanks to climate change resulting in a global famine) epic that turns into a revenge flick as people form gangs and fight over remaining food sources. The two basic groups that are battling it out are a group of country folks/farmers and some marauding city slickers. A little girl's cow gets snuffed right in front of her and then a bunch of action scenes happen including a tractor vs. car fight. Not the most exciting movie despite it delving into the action genre a bit towards the climax but you do get to see a young(21 years old) Kim Cattrall way before she transformed into the slutty gal on SEX & THE CITY and PORKY'S, so I guess that's something.





I guess in the Spanish version they blame the famine on some nuclear explosion which is never referred to in the film itself!:

 

HUMONGOUS (1982)

 This 1980s Canadian slasher flick has sentimental value to me since I remember it from back in the VHS rental days when it was a fairly new release. The best part of the film tales place before the opening credits even role. You get a rape and a revenge(thanks to some some very bitey canines) and then the main story focuses on a group of typical slasher movie victims-to-be who end up crashing on the island where our large retarded (and growly) man-monster lives(the product of the pre-credit rape scene if you couldn't guess). It's a surprisingly not-very gory(with the exclusion of the dogs chomping the rapist and one head squishing scene) experience and the crappy bootleg DVD I have of this is pretty dark and murky during many scenes(which is pretty reminiscent of how it looked on video tape) so maybe there's some added grue in the high-def version. There is an unrated version which apparently adds a bit of violence and more gratuitous shots of the raping. Very standard as far as slasher movies of the era go.




                                                      More artsy Spanish poster!:

NIGHT EYES (1982)

 Not to be confused with that other Canadian killer-rat movie, OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN. This one is a Hong Kong co-production, which is kinda weird since there's nothing at all Chinese about it up until one scene where our teenage protagonists go and see GAME OF DEATH in the theater(which just so happened to have also been made by producers Golden Harvest and directed by the same director as this, Robert Clouse). What it is though is a great little animals-gone-wild tale of larger than normal rats(small dog-sized to be exact) on a gory feeding rampage. The monsters were created by dressing dachshunds up in custom-made rat suits and for close-ups some bitey rat-puppet heads. A good gory 80s flick, Scatman Crothers shows up to get feisty and they even kill a baby which is not something you see much. More commonly known as DEADLY EYES.

                                        Known in Australia(and the U.K.) as RATS:

GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1987)

 Not to be confused with the Stephen King adaptation that would come out a couple of years later this film has nothing to do with King and deals with a vampire cab-driver who bites occasional female passengers. Apparently they have to be either suicidal, dying from some unnamed disease or otherwise near death for him to put the bite on them. While this film does have a lot of nudity and sexual situations going for it, thanks to the romantic/sexy bloodsucker-vibe going on, that's kinda all it really has as it becomes quite a drudge in the way it was shot. Everything seems to take forever in between one sexy neck-biting to the next. It's also filmed in a super stylized way that may have seemed more impressive back in the MTV-influenced 80s but now just seems super dated and unnecessary but if you dig very 80s hunky vamps I guess give it a chance or just go watch THE LOST BOYS instead. AKA CENTRAL PARK DRIFTER(which is kind of a stupid name since this was filmed in Canada and Central Park is in New York but I guess Toronto has parks also)



Known in France as CENTRAL PARK DRIVER:

 

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (1983)

 Right off the bat this movie is lying to me since this was filmed in Canada and not the U.S. They do manage to make Toronto look pretty grimy though so if we just ignore a couple of Canadian accents and all the knitted hats(tooks?) I guess we could pretend this is some big sleazy American city. Overall it's kind-of a middle-of-the-road slasher being that it's not the worst and certainly not the best of the genre. The plot all revolves around strippers/prostitutes getting offed so there's an over-abundance of nudity which is a plus. Unfortunately nothing exceptional, besides it's sleazy aura, really stands out about this and ultimately it's a pretty forgettable experience that is only recommended to slasher fanatics or Canadian horror-completists.

                                           The ol' stalk & slash!:

Cheap-o VHS goodness!:

DEATH WEEKEND (1976)

 So I guess the stereotype of everyone in Canada being nice is blown apart by this film about a gang of hooligans who terrorize a douchey rich dude and his model friend. This is a really good example of grimy 70s sleaze where just about everyone outside of the main female character(played by Brenda Vaccaro who went on to be in almost everything on TV after this) is a piece of crap. I guess you could also look at this as a good feminist film if you overlook the oddball rape scenes. It all plays like a very lower-budgeted, less deep version of STRAW DOGS. The weirdest thing to me was that one of the producers here was Ivan Reitman who went on to produce GHOSTBUSTERS and tons of similar big mind-numbing Hollywood-dreck. I guess everyone has to start somewhere before selling out to the Devil. AKA THE HOUSE BY THE LAKE

This trailer makes this movie seem like a haunted house deal which it isn't:

RECRUITS (1986)

 Cheap Canadian POLICE ACADEMY-rip-off flick. This probably wouldn't be anything special to me if it didn't feature Canadian Rock God Jon Mikl Thor as a biker named Thunderhead who signs on to this group of misfit police wannabees. How they don't feature Thor on the poster or cover of the VHS for this I haven't the foggiest but this seems like very bad advertising. I haven't actually watched POLICE ACADEMY in a very long time so my foggy recollection says this is probably just about as stupid/funny as that. Also I believe P.A. was filmed in Canada also so they're pretty similar. There aren't any black men making special FX noises with their mouths here just lots of boobs, weird-looking Canadian beaches, a Clint Eastwood-rip-off character, hooker humor, a slapsticky goofball Nazi lady and Thor getting to kick biker's asses in a ridiculous fight scene. Pretty much everything in this is ridiculous but if you put this on you know exactly what to expect. Have a few beers and enjoy the ride.
 How this did not end up on the Troma label I'm not exactly sure since it seems like that would be a natural fit for something like this.

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987)

 Classic BATMAN star Adam West gets top-billing here but doesn't show up until around the 45-minute mark and then just sits around for most of the rest of the movie. As far as zombie movies go this is pretty far down there around the bottom of the barrel. It really plays out more like a slasher flick where a musclehead is brought back from the dead thanks to the wonders of voodoo to get revenge on his murderers. There's only one actual zombie that shows up the whole time but he is played by Canadian heavy-metal god Thor so that's neat. Speaking of heavy-metal that is also one of the big pluses in this flick, the soundtrack. It starts right out with Motorhead's "Ace of Spades" and then you get jams by Girlschool, Pantera, Fist, Death Mask, Virgin Steele and of course Thor. There is a Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this which is way more entertaining but it also cuts out kill scenes and blood and such so that sucks. I guess the ultimate version would be a combination of some sort. Also noteworthy is that this was Tia Carrere's first movie before becoming well-known for her WAYNE'S WORLD role.
 This same year Thor starred in the similarly-titled Canadian horror flick ROCK N ROLL NIGHTMARE which I need to check out some time.

Full-blooded version!:

THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION (1985)

 This Canadian kid's movie seems to be pretty popular with nerds who worship the 1980's. Why that is I'm not exactly sure. I certainly don't recall it being a big deal back in the 80's, in fact I don't think I ever even heard of it back then.
 The plot deals with this kid who gets so scared that his hair falls out. Then a couple of homeless ghosts give him this recipe for dome goop that will make hair grow(i.e. the titular "peanut butter solution"). Unfortunately it grows like crazy! There's also an evil French(French-Canadian?) art-teacher who kidnaps kids and keeps them as slaves which is a bit creepy. There's also our main character's Asian(Asian-Canadian?) friend who rubs some of the peanut butter hair solution on his balls which is pretty risque for a children's film. It's all pretty stupid but what else would you expect? The worst thing about this is the music by Celine Dion who might be one of my least favorite singers ever!
 I wouldn't recommend actually watching this to anyone but perhaps if you're an 80's nut or Canadian or if you did watch this when you were a kid in the 80's  it will give you some sorta thrill.

THE BROOD (1979)

 THE BROOD, directed by the great David Cronenberg, was never my favorite film of his because it dwelled so much in the land of drama. There are long psychological bits when characters cry about their past, the main couple Samantha Eggar and Art Hindle try to work out their marriage dilemma and this sort of thing. Luckily Cronenberg fills out the rest of the film with some truly unique bizarre elements including murderous dwarves/children/little deformed monsters, psychoplasmically-induced body-modifications and Eggar munching down on her newborn's fresh afterbirth that just popped out of a distended external-uterus growing out of her. Also you get the legendary Oliver Reed in a somewhat subdued state as the psychologist who sets all this strangeness into motion. I was lucky enough to view this on the big screen from a 35mm print last night and would say it's totally worth a watch or a re-watch for lovers of weirdness.
 When I was a teen I had a poster from Fangoria magazine depicting the little girl here, Cindy Hinds, getting grabbed through the wall by the little murdering munchkins and although I had not seen the movie itself at that point that was enough to freak me out. Not all that many horror flicks can weird you out from just one still image.

Weird European title:

HOOKERS ON DAVIE (1984)

                               "I've only ever stabbed 3 people in my life"

 This is a documentary about Canadian prostitutes. It focuses heavily on the transvestite/drag-queen variety of street-walkers but also has a few real gals sprinkled in. It's done in a pretty straight-forward, non-exploitational style and is an interesting look at the seedy side of Vancouver back in the 80's which I hear has now been all cleaned up just like New York. Sorta similar to HBO's later HOOKERS AT THE POINT but without that film's narration. The street-people here do all the talking for themselves without any director's moralizing or opinions thrown in. It raises the question of legalizing prostitution which I'm pretty sure has been done in Canada now for the most part so I guess these hookers were trailblazers.
 While watching this in 2013 you can't help but wonder what became of these people. I imagine not a lot of good things but who knows? Not sure if there ever was any kind of follow up film but that would be an interesting thing to see. AKA WORKING DAVIE STREET

MANBORG (2011)

 When I first heard of this movie I thought it might be some lost 80's relic, perhaps something along the lines of THE ELIMINATORS which also had a Manborg/Mandroid in it, but unfortunately this is new. Made by the Astron 6 company from Canada, who also did that FATHER'S DAY movie which I never saw because it is also new and released by Troma and new and Troma is a very bad combination, this is the stroy of a war between humans and Hell. Hell's forces are led by a vampire-monster named Draculon and a bunch of other cartoon monsters. I think it would help to be a big video game fan to enjoy this movie and I'm not one of those. It might also help if you like those shit-ass Hollywood RESIDENT EVIL movies since this is sort-of a less serious, low-budget version of that crap or if you just like stuff that is bad on purpose(intentionally bad dubbing and stupid dialogue). On the plus side this movie is only about an hour long and they actually use stop-motion FX for lots of stuff which is better than an all-cgi film would have been. Not my thing at all but maybe someone with exceptionally low expectations might get a chuckle out of this.