THE DOGS (1979)

 Going into this French flick I was expecting more of an animals run amuck kind of deal. What you get here seems a bit deeper than that though. It involves a town that are really into having dogs for protection and they train them to kick ass which is a good thing I guess since there's also a rapist and a bunch of hooligans running around. It's basically a very odd version of a vigilante film involving a lot of canines of many different breeds. There really aren't any clear cut "good guys" here though since we also deal with racism and, like with most vigilant films, taking things too far. 

 Director Alain Jessau mostly did artsy movie and you can certainly lump this one into that category. 

 Star Gerard Depardieu allegedly took the role here of a pretty mean dog trainer after being bitten by a dog and attempting to overcome his fear of them.  

                                   Known in Italy as DOGS MAN!:

GOLDEN TEMPLE AMAZONS (1986)

 

 This one was mostly directed by Jess Franco but then some additional scenes were shot by porn director Alain Payet so there are technically 2 directors of this. 

 The plot here deals with a group of Amazon women(who live in Africa which is not anywhere near the Amazon but whatever) who inhabit a golden temple ruled over by William Berger in a loincloth. Then things turn into a weird version of TARZAN when a little girl's parents get killed by the Amazons and she ends up a wild jungle woman complete with a pet chimpanzee named Rocky. Then she seeks revenge with some friends including a witch doctor named Koukou and we are treated to various scenes of torture and bad fighting. Franco's adventure films are generally not his best work but this one is at least amusingly stupid in almost every way. There's a menacing hippo, an elephant named Dickie, tons of jiggling naked boobs right out in the open and a chimp ends up being the hero.     

THE MAN HUNTER (1980)

  So this ping-pong-ball-eyed cannibal monster man gets the KING KONG treatment(girls served up as helpless victims for him to rip the hearts out of) from the local tribesmen, who I think are also supposed to be cannibals, but it's kinda hard to tell since the one thing this cannibal film severely skimps out on is any actual cannibalism on display. The film mainly deals with a kidnapped starlet(Ursula Buchfellner) that's taken to the jungle, that just so happens to contain a tribe of cannibals and said bug-eyed monster, and then pursued by our hero, and director Jess Franco fav, Al Cliver.  There's lots of nudity, a fairly mild rape scene and heads do roll since our monster enjoys ripping them off. 

 On a personal note many years ago I mistakenly left my VHS of this at my sister's place and was horrified at the thought of my young nieces viewing such a sleazy film. At least it wasn't CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST or anything remotely as traumatizing.  AKA DEVIL HUNTER, MANDINGO MANHUNTER and SEXO CANNIBAL

                                 

                               Known in Germany as A VIRGIN AMONG CANNIBALS!:

                                            and France got a very RAMBO-looking poster!:

THE PANTHER SQUAD (1984)

 So if CHARLIE'S ANGELS was a low-budget Eurotrash film and there were 6 girls instead of 3 and they were led by Sybil Danning and Jack Taylor this might be the result. Taylor seems to be playing a drunken spoof of a James Bond-type while Danning dons a lovely heavy metal leather outfit through most of the film. The gals are also decked out in some new-wavey ensembles complete with that 80s big hair. The fight scenes are delightfully absurd as our female heroes kick ass on everyone they encounter. There's a bunch of stock footage of rockets and explosions as the villains are some environmental wackos who want to stop space exploration. The most sci-fi thing I've seen from Eurocine studios(a laser gun even shows up at one point!) but it's still mostly just an action movie. Whether the movie was meant to be taken at all seriously or was intended as one big take-off I'm not exactly sure but either way it's a goofy memorable oddity.
 On the negative side the main thing sorely lacking is any nudity and also for all the violence on display not any blood or gore to really elevate this thing to cult greatness.
 Release on VHS as FEMALE MERCENARIES II which would make this a sequel to Ted V. Mikels' THE DOLL SQUAD which was released on video as FEMALE MERCENARIES complete with a fake cast and crew listed on the slipcase.

Full Moon studios ad lets you hear some of the very 80s music in this one!:



Why you would release this tape without a picture of Sybil Danning I have no idea!:

LAURE (1976)

 Probably the most interesting thing about this EMMANUELLE-rip-off sexplotation flick is that it's the only EMMANULLE movie(it also goes by the name of FOREVER EMMANUELLE) that actually features the real life lady who the character is based on. Before seeing this I didn't even know there was a real Emmanuelle but apparently it's a lady named Marayat Bibidh a.k.a. Emmanuelle Arsan(who looks a lot more like the Black Emmanuelle, Laura Gemser, than the original version played by Sylvia Kristel). She was also allegedly the director of this film though she's not credited. That might be because it was actually her husband(the lengthy-named Louis-Jacques Rollet-Andrian) who did a bunch of the directing (before quitting when he didn't get to make the pro-swinging epic he envisioned) and also wrote the books in the first place and then credited them to his wife's alias. I guess it's for the best that no one is named as director because this isn't a very good movie. It's filled with artsy-fartsy sex scenes and inane dialogue about the nature of love and relationships. There's also a primitive island tribe that unfortunately doesn't turn out to be cannibals so this doesn't turn into one of those kind of movies. More of a curiosity really but it's a lot easier just to look up the real Emmanuelle if you want to see what she looks like.
 There is supposedly a lesbian scene featuring Miss Arlan that was disappointingly cut from the DVD that I watched.

ALYSE AND CHLOE (1970)

 Well this wasn't very good. I would assume lesbianism was a tad more shocking 50 years ago but watching it these days there's really not much to recommend from  this  artsy-fartsy pretentious borefest. It's not particularly sexy unless a couple breaking up, then making up and then breaking up again and arguing about their crappy relationship are things that really turn you on.
 On the plus side there are a few cool tunes on the soundtrack so if you dig flute jams you're in luck.

There are also some cool thigh-high boots in this that apparently is a fetish for whatever weirdo made this video:

NAKED YOU DIE (1968)

 This Italian giallo directed by Antonio Margheriti feels almost like the prototype for SUSPIRIA since it's also set in a school for girls. Except it's SUSPIRIA minus all the witchy stuff and all those super-stylistic Argento touches. It's also fairly bloodless for a movie about gals being murdered by a black-gloved killer. Also, despite the title, there's not a lot of nakedness on display. Despite all these seemingly negative aspects I still found this one to be very watchable late-night viewing. You get the typical twist ending, a guy gets scythed, and unexpectedly a James Bond-homage shows up at the end. One of the more light-hearted giallos I've ever seen but it worked.
 The American release by AIP, as THE MINI-SKIRT MURDERS, cuts out what little nudity there is so that's not very cool. AKA THE YOUNG, THE EVIL AND THE SAVAGE. Released on video as SCHOOL GIRL KILLER

Groovy title track, nightmare!:




German title of SEVEN YOUNG WOMEN FOR THE DEVIL!(apparently this version was released in black & white for some reason):

Glorious VHS!:

and glorious Italian VHS!:

AIP double feature with another Italian exploitation flick(this one a mondo movie)!:

THE WASHING MACHINE (1993)

  I assumed this was gonna be one of those killer appliance films, something along the lines of DEATH BED except with a naughty washer. Unfortunately that's not how things go down. Director Ruggero Deodato, best know for the epic CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, instead delivers what's more of a sexy thriller than anything particularly horror-based. There are a couple of fantasy sequences where some gruesomeness occurs, mostly involving chopping up people and a guy in a washing machine, but for the most part the plot deals with 3 wack-job(and very horny) sisters. There is lots of attractive bare ass and boobs on display and sex scenes that all involve sex while standing up(one time even in front of a refrigerator which seems like not the most optimal spot to consecrate your horniness).
 I was pretty disappointed in this one for the most part but hey it's the 90's so I guess I shouldn't have expected much better. A more fitting title might have been 3 NUTTY BROADS but I guess that wouldn't fool very many horror hounds into watching this.
 I see this one labeled as a giallo but since the body count is 1 I'm not sure that anything besides the SUSPIRIA-esque music qualifies it for that classification.

RED SUN (1971)

 I'd seen the clip of Charles Bronson fighting(or more accurately getting his ass kicked by) Toshiro Mifune before but now I've finally seen it in context. This euro-western is a pretty star-studded affair with east meeting west (Bronson and Mifune) along with bad guy (Alain Delon) and love interest/prostitute (Ursula Andress) who all end up in a search for some gold(or in Mifune's case a golden samurai sword). It's a pretty epic tale with double-crosses and a rare chance to see some samurai vs. indians action. As usual Bronson doesn't disappoint me.




                                                                     Germany!:

GIRL SLAVES OF MORGANA LE FAY (1971)

 I thought this was going to be some sort of horror flick. Mainly because the DVD I have proclaims this "A classic of erotic horror". They did nail the erotic part as this does contain tons of nudity and rollicking lesbianism on display. Unfortunately the horror aspects are pretty minimal. I would really classify this thing as more of a sexy fantasy art film. The plot deals with a couple of young ladies who run afoul of the sorceress lady of the title in the woods and are held in her castle for a while. There they are treated to all sorts of pretentious lesbianic pleasures, but they can't leave so I guess that's the "horror" part. Shot exceedingly well and probably a bit shocking back when it was originally released, this thing moves at a fairly slow pace and sorta reminds me of, fellow French director, Jean Rollin's work, sadly minus the vampire chicks though. Come for the bare French boobs and asses just don't expect anything very scary. Also try and ignore the rather unpleasant midget servant fellow running around unless this is some weird kink of yours.

                                            The soothing music video:

                                         Known in Italy as THE SHE-DEVILS!!:

PARANOIA (1969)

 Got a chance to see this early Umberto Lenzi-directed thriller at a drive-in a few days ago. Not to be confused with Lenzi's other PARANOIA from the next year(which also starred Carroll Baker and is allegedly the last part of a trilogy which includes this film and SO SWEET...SO PERVERSE) this one is a psychological thriller about a widowed woman who runs afoul of a couple of young hipsters who at first befriend her and then ultimately attempt to drive her to suicide to obtain her cash. While it's an awesomely-shot film I couldn't help but think it would have made a good giallo if they only threw a couple of murders in there or something. As it is with it's twists, s & m trappings and all it's fine but probably not one I need to revisit anytime soon. Still a cool drive-in experience following Lenzi's amazing zombie epic CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD!
 Apparently there are 2 different endings to this depending upon which version you're watching. The ORGASMO version(it's original title) has a longer and better ending which actually explains a whole bunch more and the American release gives us a bit of a happier outcome by excluding some details. Also some versions trim the bare nipples out like stupid prudes.

WEB OF THE SPIDER (1971)

 Klaus Kinski doesn't look very much like Edgar Allan Poe but that didn't stop director Antonio Margheriti from casting him as such in this goth tale. It all starts off with a raving mad Kinski making a bet with Anthony Franciosa that he can't stay the night in an old haunted castle. After Franciosa gets there he runs into some ghosts. It's all a bit too slow-moving for me but Margheriti as usual delivers on the creepy atmosphere so if you're into old dark castle flicks this might be of interest. Of course if you've seen Margheritis earlier CASTLE OF BLOOD you've basically already seen this except now you don't even get Barbar Steele to ogle. Perhaps if Kinski had a bigger role this might have more to recommend it for.  AKA IN THE GRIP OF THE SPIDER and DRACULA IN THE CASTLE OF BLOOD(weird title since there's no vampirism going on)

DRACULA IN THE CASTLE OF HORROR!!:

THREE MEN TO KILL (1980)

 Most of this French thriller starring Alain Delon is a pretty dull affair but there is one crazy car chase scene so that's something. The story has to do with Mr. Delon getting involved with some mobsters after helping a guy who he thinks was in a car crash but was actually executed. Delon was way better back in the stylish 60s artsy films he is more well known for and French cinema in general was better. In addition to the car chase and a few gunfights leading lady Dalila DiLazzaro, who I recognized from a few giallos and other Italian horror flicks, is nice enough to get nekked for the viewers still I wouldn't really recommend this one to anyone.

CHINO (1973)

 This is one of those multi-country produced deals so I'm not sure if calling it a spaghetti-western(even though Italy was one of the countries involved) is technically correct so I guess I will just call it a fusion-spaghetti-western.
 This is the Charles Bronson flick where he plays a half-breed Indian(not to be confused with CHATO'S LAND which is the other movie from a year earlier where he does that also). He makes friends with a teen boy(Vincent Van Patten) who he puts to work on his ranch raising horses. Then it just stays a heavy drama and a romantic entanglement with Bronson's real life wife Jill Ireland for most of the movie up until the very end when we get a little bit of the more-typical Bronson-getting-revenge action that you would expect. Pretty disappointing if you're looking for the standard ass-kicking format and the ending is not all that triumphant but if you're a fan of melodramas in the old west and want to see Mr. Bronson in one go for it. AKA THE FREE SPIRIT, THE VALDEZ HORSES, WILD HORSES and VALDEZ THE HALFBREED

SWEET MOVIE (1974)

 One of the weirdest things I've seen in a while. This is a super artsy-fartsy mess of a movie that contains two plots, one being pro-communism?, I think?, and the other I'm guessing is all about the joys of the anarchist life? It starts off with an odd beauty pageant for virgin ladies then John Vernon shows up and pulls out his golden penis and pisses on the winner. From there things just get weirder as a whole slew of disgusting things happen that don't make any sense. There's simulated castration, lots of vomit, guys shitting on plates, guys pissing into each others mouths, stripping in front of little boys, bloody murder in a bunch of sugar and it all ends up with a lady rolling around in chocolate. The whole thing reminds me of a somewhat gentler, not as mean-spirited version of SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM by Pasolini which hadn't actually been released yet(and interestingly he was responsible for the Italian-dub of this film so perhaps it was inspirational for him). Something you watch once, that is if you're into disgusting French art-flicks and can deal with poop hijinks etc., just to say you experienced it.



                           I guess Marxists philosophies that lead to mass murders is sweet ??:

THE BELLS (1973)

 I first saw this Eurotrash/art flick on a cheap-o cut-to-crap DVD under the more common title of BELL FROM HELL and it didn't make any sense. It seemed visually interesting enough though so when I got the chance to check out an uncut version recently in the theater I figured I would give it another shot. Well come to find out it still isn't all that coherent. The story concerns a fellow(Renaud Verley) who is wrongly committed to an insane asylum by his shitty family for their financial gain. When he gets out it's revenge time. Seemingly simple enough premise it's runtime is filled with enough weird bits that things are never what they seem. Is our protagonist actually insane now or just acting? Why is he really into the idea of incest with his cousins? There are elaborate sequences of him faking gory acts like plucking his own eyeballs out and at one point he builds a completely life-size dummy of himself just to be a little prankster. This serves to throw off the audience as well as the film's characters. If you're a fan of obtuse European art-flicks, where the main character is a pretty unlikable sort of fellow, this might be better appreciated by you than myself who was expecting more of a straightforward sleazy horror film. Oh, and I guess you would also have to be ok with random slaughterhouse scenes of cows being bloodily butchered.
 More interesting than the movie itself, to me, is that the director, Claudio Guerin, fell of a belltower while filming the final scene resulting in his death. It's a shame because judging from this film he seems like a guy that could have done something worthwhile, or at least somewhat interesting, if he continued on.

VHS!:

EUGENIE (1973)

 Super sleazy Eurotrash director Jess Franco makes what might be his sleaziest film ever! Not to be confused with Franco's earlier EUGENIE film from 1970 with Cristopher Lee, this French/German co-production tells the story of young Eugenie(Soledad Miranda(credited on some prints under the name Susan Korda)) who follows her step-dad(Paul Muller) down the dark road of torture and murder of the innocent for kicks. Oh and  they're also lovers when they're not planning out snuff movie scenarios or chatting about how Eugenie's mom was killed by her just a little too jealous for his own good father-figure. As you may have guessed things don't exactly go smoothly for this pair of incestuous nuts. Franco here manages to mix the horror film with the erotic thriller(mostly due to star Soledad Miranda's amazing appearance) and come out with something repulsive yet watchable for fans of the offbeat and slimy. Franco himself also appears as the not-quite a hero, but not-quite an accomplice grimy little author who follows the pair around in what is either admiration or just fodder for his own stories or maybe both. Overall a fashionable slice of euro-grossness.  AKA EUGENIE DE SADE and DE SADE 2000

The soothing sounds of perversion!:

THE DAY THE SKY EXPLODED (1958)

This starts out with an astronaut traveling in orbit around the Earth, which in 1958 was still some pretty science-fiction-y-type stuff. Then, for reasons I'm not quite clear on, this causes a bunch of meteorites to head towards our planet meaning certain doom when they collide. The reason I'm not exactly sure how these two things are connected is that this is a really boring, talky, old, dubbed Euro-sci-fi flick and staying conscious while viewing was a bit of a challenge. In fact calling this sci-fi is a bit of stretch since just about everything takes place on Earth in a command center where some dull pseudo-science dialogue takes place. Not exactly nail-biting action. I think the high-point was watching some stock-footage of horses galloping away from coastal flooding.  Avoid this unless you really feel the need to watch Italy's very first sci-fi film.
 Mario Bava apparently was the director of photography here except on the English-dubbed print he's called Mario Baja which doesn't really sound much more American to me. So maybe this thing looks good if you find a good print of it somewhere but I've only seen the crappy-looking cheap-o version that's on Youtube.

French poster:

SPECIAL PRISON FOR WOMEN (1982)

 I've only seen this French women-in-prison/porn flick in it's original French language so maybe I missed some of the subtle nuances in the plot but from what I can make out with my very small understanding of French is that these two women(who I think are supposed to be Americans since they occasionally spout out some English lines like "Dirty Pig!" and "What is happening?") get arrested(for what I have no idea?) and thrown into a prison where they take sexy showers with the other female inmates and are repeatedly raped by the male and female guards. Now when I say rape it's the kind of rape that only happens in theses types of porn or sexploitation flicks where it's obviously consensual sex where the participants are very poorly acting like they are being forced to do something they don't want to so it doesn't pack quite the emotional wallop that it might under better-made circumstances. While the film is packed with sex each scene is relatively short which I think is a good thing to keep everything moving along. It all does move along and end up with the gals being used as prostitutes for some rich Arab gents and then running away in a pretty unexciting climax. If you dig Marilyn Monroe there is a very hot MM-look-alike that stars in this named Olinka Hardiman, and sometimes credited as Marilyn Jess, who plays another gal who gets locked up and boinked a bunch. I think I will try and find some of her other appearances, preferably something with some subtitles next time. AKA JAILHOUSE SEX

CANDY (1968)

 I thought at first this was going to be some sort of a teen sex comedy flick but it's actually something much stranger and more unique than that. This is the sort of film that could only have been made in the late 60s. Based on some sexy 60s book the plot follows our main character Candy(Ewa Aulin) from high-school to her travels all over the U.S. getting into some sexy hi-jinks and bizarre adventures. It reminded of the 70s porn flick CANDY GOES TO HOLLYWOOD which was obviously an X-rated takeoff on this and it also reminded me of a live-action version of one of those Ralph Bakshi cartoon films. This isn't porn though and doesn't even have much nudity besides an occasional nipple or bare-ass supplied by our young star here and there. There's a ridiculously star-studded cast including Marlon Brando as an Eastern mystic, James Coburn as an egotistical doctor, Richard Burton as a famous poet who acts like a rock star, Walter Matthau as a gung-ho army sergeant and Ringo Starr as a Mexican landscaper who becomes a priest amongst other fellows who are all looking to get into Candy's underpants. Gomez Addams(John Astin) has a dual role as Candy's dad and weirdo uncle and director John Huston also appears. There's a hunchback who can climb walls like Spiderman, some bumbling cops, an insane director, a soundtrack by Steppenwolf and an ending that is slightly reminiscent of Jodorowsky's HOLY MOUNTAIN. A real oddball treat that lovers of the bizarre needs to watch at least once.
 Technically I think this was considered a Hollywood movie back in the day but it was an Italian/French co-production with a lot of Italian names in the credits and a French Director(Christian Marquand).




The book!: