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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Wednesday, June 28, 2017


 As a lover of spiders I'm torn between how cool this movie is with its portrayal of massive amounts of killer/world-conquering tarantulas and how many of said creepy-crawlies get quite clearly squashed to death by being stepped on or run over by various fleeing humans throughout the film. At least they perished for art(or in this case cheesy 70s animal-running-wild cinematic goodness). William Shatner is our heroic lead and as usual he's pretty awesome here playing a cowboy/ veterinarian, and of course he gets the ladies! Sammy Davis Jr.'s wife Altovise has a fairly big role playing the wife of spaghetti-western and 80s eurotrash staple Woody Strode. Spiders run around in packs and build big mounds to live in together just like they would never do in reality but I guess we can just blame their unlikely actions on all the pesticides which is the catalyst for their revenge in the first place. A great slice of 70s cheese that I was able to catch at the drive-in recently along with FROGS and SQUIRM on what might have been the greatest triple-feature I've ever seen.

                              On a double-bill with the not that great RUBY:

                             Known in France as THE HORRIBLE INVASION!:

Monday, June 26, 2017

FROGS (1972)

 Caught this classic animals-gone-wild flick at a drive-in over the past weekend and I think this may be the perfect way to view this film. Watching it before on TV showings, or on VHS, I was never a huge fan but now I feel it's really like a greatest hits of animals-run-amok cinema since it features a bunch of slithering and crawling creatures getting revenge(for the pollution in their swamp-home) besides the titular frogs who mostly only seem to act as the ringleaders of this group of various haters of humanity. Lizards, spiders, snakes and a few others join the fight and their main enemy is a rich scummy fellow named Jason Crockett, played by Ray Milland who you just love to hate here. It is rated PG so nothing gets too gruesome but it's still a 70s PG so it's not like the lame kiddy garbage you get today with that rating. One negative thing is that they lied to me on the poster since there are no gigantic man-eating frogs to be seen, although a cartoon one does show up after the end credits. If you ever get a chance to watch this on a giant outdoor screen definitely go for it!
 Originally released on a  double-bill with GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER which would make for quite the ecologically-conscious viewing experience.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017


                                                        "You ding-dong!"

 So there's this old rich douchebag(Richard Boone), with the porn star-like name of Masten Thrust, whose drilling company finds a T-Rex in a secret land in Antarctica. Oh and he's also conveniently a big game hunter so he gets a group together consisting of a very large African tracker, a Japanese genius scientist, your standard white guy and a lady just so we can be constantly reminded of how sexist and macho he is and they go on to hunt down "the last dinosaur". The big twist here is that Masten himself, due to his outdated old-timey views on life, is really "the last dinosaur" of the title but this isn't much of a spoiler since they lay that out right from the beginning and the cringe-inducing theme song. Along the way they run into some trapped-in-time cave people and a couple of other giant prehistoric creatures including a triceratops and a pterodactyl. The monsters on display look on par with, or maybe even a bit worse than, something you might see on an old episode of THE LAND OF THE LOST which kinda  makes sense since the producers here and on that show are Sid & Marty Krofft. Tsuburaya Productions, of ULTRAMAN fame, worked on the FX which I guess explains their wonky rubber-suited Godzilla-ness which is still preferable than stupid cartoony c.g.i. (to me anyway).
 This was supposed to be released theatrically but, I guess due to it's general crappiness, it just got edited down and dumped to TV. Those lucky Europeans did get an extended version shown in theaters but not having seen that I can't tell you if there's an extended crusty old guy sex scene that's merely hinted at here but the idea of it will continue to haunt my nightmares.

                                     All the snazzy highlights!:

Monday, June 19, 2017


 I've only seen this French women-in-prison/porn flick in it's original French language so maybe I missed some of the subtle nuances in the plot but from what I can make out with my very small understanding of French is that these two women(who I think are supposed to be Americans since they occasionally spout out some English lines like "Dirty Pig!" and "What is happening?") get arrested(for what I have no idea?) and thrown into a prison where they take sexy showers with the other female inmates and are repeatedly raped by the male and female guards. Now when I say rape it's the kind of rape that only happens in theses types of porn or sexploitation flicks where it's obviously consensual sex where the participants are very poorly acting like they are being forced to do something they don't want to so it doesn't pack quite the emotional wallop that it might under better-made circumstances. While the film is packed with sex each scene is relatively short which I think is a good thing to keep everything moving along. It all does move along and end up with the gals being used as prostitutes for some rich Arab gents and then running away in a pretty unexciting climax. If you dig Marilyn Monroe there is a very hot MM-look-alike that stars in this named Olinka Hardiman, and sometimes credited as Marilyn Jess, who plays another gal who gets locked up and boinked a bunch. I think I will try and find some of her other appearances, preferably something with some subtitles next time. AKA JAILHOUSE SEX

Wednesday, June 14, 2017


 I'd seen bits and pieces of this Italian-monster-gore classic over the years and I've owned the VHS forever but never felt the need to watch the whole movie up until recently thanks to a midnight showing in the local weirdo cinema. It's a pretty wacky but good example of Eurotrash horror involving an island of these fishmen creatures(hence the alternate title ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN) who will rip you to pieces and tear your head off in a gory fashion unless you are Barbara Bach and you feed them this special potion. It turns out Barbara's father(Joseph Cotton) is a mad scientist who may have been involved in the creation of the fish-faced monsters in the style of a certain Dr. Moreau that this movie may be ripping off. And there's also Richard Johnson (the doctor from ZOMBIE) who acts as the master of the island and is in search of the treasure of Atlantis which just so happens to be buried right in the local underground bay.
 I've only viewed this under the SCREAMERS title but apparently the original FISHMEN cut is longer and makes a bit more sense but it doesn't include the gore that producer Roger Corman added for the American version so I'm torn as to whether I really need to see this. Oh and sadly also no Cameron Mitchell(who only appears briefly in the opening sequence but it's still good to see that chubby old fellow) in the Italian print.
 The VHS box-cover and the poster for SCREAMERS promises us that we will see men turned inside out which is bullshit but there is a guy who our mad doctor is trying to turn into an amphibian-man who does kinda look like he's inside out with his lungs on the outside so I guess that's where they came up with this idea. AKA SOMETHING WAITS IN THE DARK

This is a really weird trailer since the scenes shown aren't even from this movie!:

I guess they thought the actual creatures looked a bit too goofy to advertise:


Thursday, June 8, 2017


 Made well after the heyday of the 80s-teen-sex-comedy, this is the very low-budget and not very funny comedic story of a gal(Tracy Dali) who gets sent to an all-girls Catholic school after getting in trouble with her Dad(Burt Ward(Robin from the 60s BATMAN TV show)). Linnea Quigley is also a student there and plays the villain role well enough and was definitely the sexy highlight in this movie to me. Everyone else seems pretty retarded and annoying, especially our main gal's boyfriend and his even stupider friends. I think I laughed once during the whole runtime and the music, performed by a band called The Checks is pretty awful but you do get Miss Quigley topless in a sex scene and Mr. Ward involved in a whips and chains and bondage-filled marriage so that's something. For far superior naughty teen romps stick to the previous decade.

                                   Linnea's impure thoughts!!:

Thursday, June 1, 2017


 Angela Mao, who's best known from Bruce Lee's ENTER THE DRAGON, stars here as a lady(though she's constantly referred to as a man for some reason) who gets trained in the kung fu arts by a drunken master and another guy who's always smoking(a pothead master??). While Mao herself is OK the movie itself is really dumb and has lots of very retarded comedy including fart jokes and jumping around like a 2-year old, which gets very tiring. It also doesn't help that it looks like crap on the DVD that I have of this. Right on the cover of the DVD it credits Jackie Chan as the director, which is a lie but supposedly he may have had something to do with supervising some of the fight sequences and since they're all in that comedic style of his I would tend to believe that. AKA THE ETERNAL CONFLICT