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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

THE LAST DINOSAUR (1977)

                                       
                                                        "You ding-dong!"

 So there's this old rich douchebag(Richard Boone), with the porn star-like name of Masten Thrust, whose drilling company finds a T-Rex in a secret land in Antarctica. Oh and he's also conveniently a big game hunter so he gets a group together consisting of a very large African tracker, a Japanese genius scientist, your standard white guy and a lady just so we can be constantly reminded of how sexist and macho he is and they go on to hunt down "the last dinosaur". The big twist here is that Masten himself, due to his outdated old-timey views on life, is really "the last dinosaur" of the title but this isn't much of a spoiler since they lay that out right from the beginning and the cringe-inducing theme song. Along the way they run into some trapped-in-time cave people and a couple of other giant prehistoric creatures including a triceratops and a pterodactyl. The monsters on display look on par with, or maybe even a bit worse than, something you might see on an old episode of THE LAND OF THE LOST which kinda  makes sense since the producers here and on that show are Sid & Marty Krofft. Tsuburaya Productions, of ULTRAMAN fame, worked on the FX which I guess explains their wonky rubber-suited Godzilla-ness which is still preferable than stupid cartoony c.g.i. (to me anyway).
 This was supposed to be released theatrically but, I guess due to it's general crappiness, it just got edited down and dumped to TV. Those lucky Europeans did get an extended version shown in theaters but not having seen that I can't tell you if there's an extended crusty old guy sex scene that's merely hinted at here but the idea of it will continue to haunt my nightmares.

                                     All the snazzy highlights!:




Monday, June 19, 2017

SPECIAL PRISON FOR WOMEN (1982)


 I've only seen this French women-in-prison/porn flick in it's original French language so maybe I missed some of the subtle nuances in the plot but from what I can make out with my very small understanding of French is that these two women(who I think are supposed to be Americans since they occasionally spout out some English lines like "Dirty Pig!" and "What is happening?") get arrested(for what I have no idea?) and thrown into a prison where they take sexy showers with the other female inmates and are repeatedly raped by the male and female guards. Now when I say rape it's the kind of rape that only happens in theses types of porn or sexploitation flicks where it's obviously consensual sex where the participants are very poorly acting like they are being forced to do something they don't want to so it doesn't pack quite the emotional wallop that it might under better-made circumstances. While the film is packed with sex each scene is relatively short which I think is a good thing to keep everything moving along. It all does move along and end up with the gals being used as prostitutes for some rich Arab gents and then running away in a pretty unexciting climax. If you dig Marilyn Monroe there is a very hot MM-look-alike that stars in this named Olinka Hardiman, and sometimes credited as Marilyn Jess, who plays another gal who gets locked up and boinked a bunch. I think I will try and find some of her other appearances, preferably something with some subtitles next time. AKA JAILHOUSE SEX







Wednesday, June 14, 2017

SCREAMERS (1979)


 I'd seen bits and pieces of this Italian-monster-gore classic over the years and I've owned the VHS forever but never felt the need to watch the whole movie up until recently thanks to a midnight showing in the local weirdo cinema. It's a pretty wacky but good example of Eurotrash horror involving an island of these fishmen creatures(hence the alternate title ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN) who will rip you to pieces and tear your head off in a gory fashion unless you are Barbara Bach and you feed them this special potion. It turns out Barbara's father(Joseph Cotton) is a mad scientist who may have been involved in the creation of the fish-faced monsters in the style of a certain Dr. Moreau that this movie may be ripping off. And there's also Richard Johnson (the doctor from ZOMBIE) who acts as the master of the island and is in search of the treasure of Atlantis which just so happens to be buried right in the local underground bay.
 I've only viewed this under the SCREAMERS title but apparently the original FISHMEN cut is longer and makes a bit more sense but it doesn't include the gore that producer Roger Corman added for the American version so I'm torn as to whether I really need to see this. Oh and sadly also no Cameron Mitchell(who only appears briefly in the opening sequence but it's still good to see that chubby old fellow) in the Italian print.
 The VHS box-cover and the poster for SCREAMERS promises us that we will see men turned inside out which is bullshit but there is a guy who our mad doctor is trying to turn into an amphibian-man who does kinda look like he's inside out with his lungs on the outside so I guess that's where they came up with this idea. AKA SOMETHING WAITS IN THE DARK

This is a really weird trailer since the scenes shown aren't even from this movie!:



I guess they thought the actual creatures looked a bit too goofy to advertise:


Lies!:



Thursday, June 8, 2017

VIRGIN HIGH (1991)


 Made well after the heyday of the 80s-teen-sex-comedy, this is the very low-budget and not very funny comedic story of a gal(Tracy Dali) who gets sent to an all-girls Catholic school after getting in trouble with her Dad(Burt Ward(Robin from the 60s BATMAN TV show)). Linnea Quigley is also a student there and plays the villain role well enough and was definitely the sexy highlight in this movie to me. Everyone else seems pretty retarded and annoying, especially our main gal's boyfriend and his even stupider friends. I think I laughed once during the whole runtime and the music, performed by a band called The Checks is pretty awful but you do get Miss Quigley topless in a sex scene and Mr. Ward involved in a whips and chains and bondage-filled marriage so that's something. For far superior naughty teen romps stick to the previous decade.

                                   Linnea's impure thoughts!!:






Thursday, June 1, 2017

DANCE OF DEATH (1976)


 Angela Mao, who's best known from Bruce Lee's ENTER THE DRAGON, stars here as a lady(though she's constantly referred to as a man for some reason) who gets trained in the kung fu arts by a drunken master and another guy who's always smoking(a pothead master??). While Mao herself is OK the movie itself is really dumb and has lots of very retarded comedy including fart jokes and jumping around like a 2-year old, which gets very tiring. It also doesn't help that it looks like crap on the DVD that I have of this. Right on the cover of the DVD it credits Jackie Chan as the director, which is a lie but supposedly he may have had something to do with supervising some of the fight sequences and since they're all in that comedic style of his I would tend to believe that. AKA THE ETERNAL CONFLICT

Monday, May 29, 2017

WHO FINDS A FRIEND FINDS A TREASURE (1981)


 This time around Bud Spencer and Terence Hill wind up on a tropical island in search of buried treasure. They run into a Japanese soldier still fighting World War II, natives who babble like idiots in pig Latin, some gangsters and a gang of pirates who dress like gay leather-daddy bikers. Directed by the great Sergio Corbucci, who also made some classic spaghetti-westerns including DJANGO, this one is an entertaining enough watch for a Sunday afternoon but being more of a fan of the Euro-westerns I can't help but rank those generally higher if just for the way better soundtracks. These movies are also probably more fun for nostalgic purposes, just like Abbott & Costello are for me, if you were raised on them as a kid which many folks seem to have been. AKA A FRIEND IS A TREASURE and KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE ISLAND



Sunday, May 28, 2017

DOUBLE TROUBLE (1984)


 Bud Spencer and Terence Hill team up once again in this stupid 80s comedy that has the plot of something that Hollywood would spit out which concerns two fellows who look exactly like a couple of rich guys and have to take their place to make a million dollars. I'm gonna guess the idea may have come from that Eddie Murphy movie TRADING PLACES except they added a bunch of fight scenes and took out any of the actual funny bits(oh and sadly no Jamie Lee Curtis' boobs). You do get to see big ol' Bud as a sexy sax-blowing jazz man and as his look-alike who is a big pussy who runs away from every hint of violence. Hill, for his parts, plays a daredevil and his rich sophisticated doppelganger so the boys do stretch their acting chops a little bit here unfortunately it's a bit too dumb and repetitive to give this a thumbs up and I'd say stick to the duo's westerns for better quality action.

No boobs in this but there are some nice Brazilian asses on display!:



Known in Germany as 4 FISTS FOR RIO and in France as WATCH OUT FOR DAMAGE ?:

GOD FORGIVES ... I DON'T (1967)


 This is historically important as the first film to feature Terence Hill and Bud Spencer together on screen. Most of the film does focus on Hill as a character named Cat Stevens(but I'm pretty sure he's not a Muslim) aka "Pretty Face", who gets involved with a gold robbery and a red-headed gangster fellow(Frank Wolff). We do get to see the two familiar 'Trinity' faces working together more towards the climax. It's nothing like the 'Trinity' movies though as this one is done in a totally serious tone. There is supposed to be a re-edited cut-down version of this that has comedic elements inserted but I've never seen that and I'm not sure how well it would work that way. It was also released as a Django film in Germany as GOD FORGIVES ... DJANGO NEVER! Overall it doesn't really stand out but is more of a curiosity to see where Spencer and Hill started out from and you get to see them fight it out which is unique. AKA BLOOD RIVER







Sunday, May 21, 2017

THEY CALL ME TRINITY (1970)



 One of my all-time favorite spaghetti-westerns and, outside of the Leone ones, probably the one I've gone back and re-watched the most. It's got a great theme song, head-bonking action and some silly comedic elements but the main draw are the two main characters of Trinity and Bambino, two outlaw brothers portrayed so well by Terence Hill and Bud Spencer. These two had teamed up before but this is the movie that really brought them fame (in Italy anyway). The only thing missing is the sex and violence but this is a G-rated comedic western and as far as those go this one is most likely one of the best examples.
 There was one slightly less-great official sequel where we get to meet the brother's family and then a bunch of movies that were re-titled with "TRINITY something, something" that have nothing to do with this(and some of those don't even have Terence Hill in them which make them extra disappointing rip-offs!  AKA MY NAME IS TRINITY





Thursday, May 18, 2017

THE MUTHERS (1968)


  Not to be confused with the 1976 Filipino blaxploitation/action flick of the same name, this is a 60s sexploitation deal about bored suburbanites who become swingers.
 There's a song by the 60s freak-out hippie band The Fugs called 'Saran Wrap' which is about not having a condom and desperately choosing to use saran wrap instead. I'd always thought that they had invented this bizarre practice but it is on display here so maybe they saw this film also(or maybe wrapping your dick to avoid babies, and for added freshness, was just a groovy kind of thing to do in the 60s??). Besides this one odd moment the rest of this film is pretty standard sex stuff with lesbian humping, schoolgirl orgies and that sort of thing. There is a bar called The Pink Swan where all the housewives go to screw around and seems to be some sort of whorehouse but no one ever pays up so I'm not sure how they make any money. Besides this mystery it was all pretty uneventful, and very softcore, but still a pleasant enough, boob-filled spectacle to watch on Mother's Day and the ending, which even features some bloody violence!, really comes out of left-field.
 The very next year director Don Davis took scenes from this, and a few of his other sex-filled films, and made something called WILD OUTTAKES which is a compilation flick that I have yet to see.

THE MUTHERS The whole filthy film!





Tuesday, May 9, 2017

SISTERS OF DEATH (1976)


 There are a few things to like about this 70s exploitation flick, the main one being a whole gang of sexy ladies, including Claudia Jennings, who would go on to be in a few other drive-in films before dying young in a car crash getting into a scary sorta-proto-slasher situation with our gals being picked off one-by-one by an angry father after his daughter is murdered during an initiation rite gone wrong. There are also a bunch of clunky illogical things that happen, the main one being our ladies getting into a car with two complete strangers who drive them an hour into the country and drop them off at some weird abandoned house and they only mildly question all of this. Also, without spoiling anything, the ending doesn't seem to add up, unless I missed something. If you don't think about these things too hard though it's a decent 70s horror ride.


                             
                               Neat middle-eastern poster with some original artwork!:

Monday, May 8, 2017

WICKED SINS (2002)


 One of the most boring, badly-made things I've seen in awhile.  I mean sure it's an "erotic thriller" so you get some very attractive nekkid folks humping away in softcore porn fashion but everything else just seems like some terrible TV-movie of the week with a heaping helping of the worst acting you'll ever see. The fact that this was made in 2002 seems mind-boggling to me also. Wasn't hardcore porn pretty easily accessible by everyone at that point? I'm sure if I was 12 years old and it was still 1983 this would be wonderful but watching it in 2017 it's quite a sleep-inducing drag! You get straight and lesbo sex antics, a murder scene and a mystery that you couldn't care less about. Go watch some crappy porn instead.

This version isn't in English but the dialogue sucks anyway and you still get all the nudeness!:

Sunday, May 7, 2017

NIGHT CREATURES (1962)


 Working my way through The Hammer Horror DVD set this is one that I'de never heard of but it's pretty good. This mostly has to do with Peter Cushing and Oliver Reed who are always excellent and the fact that the film moves along pretty briskly unlike many other Hammer films from this era. If you're looking for an actual horror film though this one barely qualifies being more of a dramatic tale of booze smuggling villagers (and pirates) and the king's army who are out to stop them. The titular "Night Creatures"(who reminded me of those bullies in THE KARATE KID who wore the skeleton pajamas) are not really a main focal point and the original British title of CAPTAIN CLEGG is more fitting, if not as exploitative. To sum it all up a good film that's not exactly a good example of Hammer horror but worth a look for something slightly different from the famous studio.



Double Chill Show with Hammer's PHANTOM!: