MY NAME IS NOBODY (1973)

 This spaghetti-western manages to pull off the trick of combining comedy(in the personification of Terence Hill from the great TRINITY series of films) and serious pathos(via Henry Fonda's performance as the aging gunslinger, Jack Beauregard who's just looking to get away to Europe and retire). It probably didn't hurt that it was produced by Sergio Leone with a score by Ennio Morricone. It recycles that sped-up slapping gag from the TRINITY movies but I imagine this one had a much bigger audience, at least here in America, thanks to Fonda's name. While never reaching the epic feeling of Leone's other masterpieces it's still up there near the top as far as Euro-westerns go. 

CARLOS THE TERRORIST (1980)

  This one starts out amusingly enough with a long preamble about how our titular character ends up on the run from the same terrorist scumbag organization that he used to work for. Then we get some Mexican kung fu as Carlos(Andres Garcia) tries to elude not only criminals but also the CIA! The whole movie is pretty much just one long chase scene and it gets a bit tedious after a while despite the explosions thrown in every once in a while. Not one of director Rene Cardona Jr.'s best efforts(He made almost 100 films so it's kinda hard to choose what that actually might be. I'm pretty partial to this one though) but I can respect it's simplicity. 

 Luckily there's not a lot of dialogue throughout this film because about midway through the English-dubbers seem to have given up on the version I watched. 

                                    CARLOS EL TERRORISTA!:

BLOODY NEW YEAR (1987)

This is one of those 80s horror films where a bunch of stuff happens but none of it makes any sense. The plot, from what I can understand, has something to do with a time-travel experiment back in the 50s that caused things to go kooky an island somewhere off the coast of England. Then back in modern times some teens end up there after running away from some stupid carnival hijinks. Not really a slasher movie(which I'd always assumed it was), not really a zombie movie(though a couple show up), not really much of a New Year's holiday film and not particularly bloody either. It's just a sort-of mish-mosh of a bunch of junk that might be worth watching if you just want something to laugh at.

 This is director Norman J. Warren's last feature film. I mainly know ol' Norman from that INSEMINOID movie which also wasn't that great so I guess he's maintained his low level of quality over the years. There is a boxset of his stuff that I have been looking to pick up but that's probably because I am a masochist. 

                              The alternate title of TIME WARP TERROR is way more fitting!:

A BULLET FOR SANDOVAL (1969)

 Not to be confused with the similarly titled A BULLET FOR THE GENERAL, from 2 years earlier, this spaghetti-western features George Hilton as a Confederate soldier who goes AWOL to see his pregnant girlfriend only to find out she's dead. This turns him into a complete nihilistic outlaw with only revenge against everyone whose wronged him. His main target is Ernest Borgnine as his deceased gal's asshole daddy who blame Hilton for her death. A notch above your typical spaghetti with some great acting, stellar soundtrack and a very downer ending. Also you get to see a guy drowned in a bucket of milk and ol' Ernie fight a bull with his bare hands so that's something.

 The DVD I own of this claims Lucio Fulci was the co-director but apparently that's a complete lie.

                                          Alternate title THE DESPERADOS:

GOLGO 13: ASSIGNMENT KOWLOON (1977)

 I have this movie on a DVD set of Sonny Chiba movies and it was the last one I watched. Maybe because of the Chiba burnout I couldn't really get into it all that much. It seemed like a pretty standard Japanese gangster flick with Chiba playing the super tough guy hitman who luckily also knows his martial arts. 

 I don't know much about the Golgo 13 character, he sorta seems like a Japanese version of James Bond but way more cold-blooded. I do recall playing a Nintendo Golgo 13 game back in the 80s and I know he's based on a manga and a follow up anime series but that's about it. Apparently there was an early live-action version in 1973 and a bunch of follow up films after this but I've yet to see any of those.   

GHOSTKEEPER (1981)

  This a super slow-moving Canadian horror flick. It's sort of a ghost story because elements of it seem like a SHINING rip-off, oh, and it says "GHOST" right there in the title. There's also a monster involved though it doesn't get used all that much sadly. My favorite part is probably the bit where one of our potential victims tells a weird inappropriate story about seducing her teacher to impress her friends. Besides that, and the admittedly impressive creepy atmosphere, this one is pretty skippable. I also subtracted points because the preamble before the movie talks about a Wendigo(spelled Windigo for some reason) and that makes me think of that white Bigfoot guy from Marvel Comics and that guy never shows up. 

 

CORRUPTION (1968)

 

 Peter Cushing plays what is probably his most twisted villainous role as a doctor who resorts to killing women for his fiancé who has suffered from a face-scarring accident he himself inadvertently caused. There's obviously an EYES WITHOUT A FACE nod here, which was a popular film to rip-off at the time, but it takes things into an interesting and weird enough place to keep me watching. My favorite part of this film is really towards the ending when a gang of no-good hooligans(in particular an ugly fellow named Groper who licks to lick things)show up with intentions of robbing Cushing and his gal pal  and instead find a decapitated head among other strangeness. It all culminates with a naughty laser that offs most of the cast.     AKA CARNAGE and LASER KILLER

 There is an "international" cut of this which is shorter but contains nudity.

                                                 Sexist ad campaign!:

                                             Belgian poster of THE SCALPEL MONSTER!:

Japanese poster!:

HORROR EXPRESS (1972)

 

 1972 is one of the greatest years for horror films and this Spanish/British co-production is further proof of that. You get the rare treat of Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee both being on the same side, a plot that mixes horror and sci-fi in an ORIENT EXPRESS setting featuring a prehistoric monster and an alien force, and most importantly the great Telly Savalas acting his ass off. Bloody eyeballs, dodgy science, white-eyed zombies and good claustrophobic horror elements make for a great ride. 

 The original Spanish version, titled PANIC ON THE TRANSIBERIAN, features a funkier soundtrack. This version is 88 minutes long while there's a shorter, 85 minute T.V. version out there also. Allegedly re-released at some point as THE POSSESSOR. Known in Japan under the snazzy title of ZOMBIE EXPRESS TO HELL.

TRIAD ELECTION (2006)

 

 So there's this one scene, in this Hong Kong gangster flick, where our main character(Louis Koo) starts hacking off a rival gangster's arms and legs and feeding them into a meat-grinder to turn them into dog food. I would imagine that one scene is the entire reason this film was released as part of the "Asia Extreme" dvd series because that's really the only particularly gruesome thing that happens during the whole runtime. The rest of the film is pretty slow for the most part and deals more with Chinese politics(within the criminal underworld and beyond) than anything else. Going into this I didn't know it was a sequel, hence the ELECTION 2 aka, involving some of the same characters. Not sure if that one was more of an action film but I might check it out at some point since this was very well done by director Johnnie To regardless of it's relative lack of explosive elements. To was nice enough to limit this to a sweet 90 minute runtime.  

ON THE SOCIETY FILE OF SHANGHAI (1981)

  This is technically a female revenge movie but it's not told in the typical way your average exploitation film would be. It deals with an investigator trying to unravel the motives behind the revenge so it kind of all works in reverse as things unfold. The whole revenge angle is really just an excuse for the filmmakers to point out all the terrible aspects of living in a communist country which can make for a pretty depressing ride if you're not actually living in Taiwan in the early 80s. There's an old-man getting rapey and our main gal(Hsiao-Fen Lu) slices into her own breast in probably the most famous scene but If you're looking for a bunch of sleazy thrills besides that this one might be a bit too political for you. AKA IN THE SHANGHAI SOCIETY FILES

 

NEVER TOO LATE TO REPENT (1979)

 This is credited as the first movie to bring a more realistic sense to Taiwanese cinema. It stars an actual ex-con(Sha Ma aka Tattooer Ma)) who tells his life story and all the terrible twists and turns involved in it plus some very cinematic flourishes to spice things up of course. It becomes a men-in-prison movie for a while and then ultimately becomes a tale about trying really hard to do the right thing even though life keeps throwing shit at you. A notch above your typical exploitation film in that it has a clear message and viewpoint even if that message is a pretty simple one of "don't be such a fuck-up but even if you are it's never too late" and starring the actual guy who went through these ordeals helps a lot. A rare super serious non-kung fu Taiwanese film.  AKA THE FIRST ERROR STEP

 The version I watched of this, which is also the version someone uploaded to YouTube here, has some minor audio issues but they don't seem to hinder the plot much:

THE CHALLENGE OF THE LADY NINJA (1983)

  This is one of those crazy over-the-top-style kung fu flicks with people flying through the air, burrowing through the ground like worms and throwing colorful smoke bombs at each other among other absurd delights. To make things even better they throw crazy sex antics into the mix. A ridiculous training scene where gals(including one whore) are trained to be ninjas by having their legs spread as far apart as possible while the camera lingers pervingly on their crotches. Also some rather large Asian breasts are exposed for your viewing pleasure. Beware though because apparently there are versions of this where the naughty bits are sadly cut out altogether and some other minor plot points are altered. AKA NEVER KISS A NINJA and CHINESE SUPER NINJAS 2(making it a sequel to this Hong Kong flick that it really has nothing to do with) 

WOMAN REVENGER (1981)

  I guess instead of calling this a rape-revenge movie it's technically a forced into a prostitution-ring-revenge flick. Oh and the person getting the revenge is a friend of the people forced into the prostitution. This is a super sleazy Taiwanese epic. It has a bit of kung-fu but that's not really the main draw here. There's quite a bit of patriarchal violence towards women to set things in motion including the big highlight of tying a gal to a big X, turning her upside down and torturing her with syrup and ants. Things ultimately go into THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE territory when our main revenger(Huei Shan Yang) loses an eye and gets a badass eye-patch. She's also smart enough to get a whole martial-arts class to help her in her quest for vengeance. They use samurai swords and various knives but my favorite weapon was the belt with a poisonous snake inside of it. Pretty inventive stuff! AKA THE NUDE BODY CASE IN TOKYO

   

EXCISION (2012)

  I've never actually seen an episode of DAWSON'S CREEK or BEVERLY HILLS 90210 or really any TV programs aimed at high school kids and their problems but now after watching this I feel like I have. This movie deals with a semi-retarded girl(AnnaLynne McCord) who has a blood fetish and wants to be a surgeon. The gross-out dream/fantasy bits are just about the only cool parts of this. The rest is just a waste of time with the unfortunate decision to mix heavy drama with comedy which results in just negating each other. Somehow the director even manages to waste John Waters in his portrayal of a boring priest. In more horrible casting Traci Lords plays the mom role even though she looks nothing like her supposed daughter. And of course in typical Hollywood fashion the big genius message here can be summed up with the  mantra "religion bad! science good!" and to top it all of this movie, like a lot of modern American films, has some really intense and distracting lighting that makes everything look like a shitty TV show.  I would avoid this unless you're currently a 15 year old girl.

 This was based on a short film with the same name by the same director(Richard Bates Jr.) and it might work better at 18 minutes but I'll let someone else find out for me. 

THE LADY AVENGER (1981)

  There's definitely an I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE-vibe in this Taiwanese rape-revenge tale. Since it's from Taiwan I guess I was expecting more of a martial-arts scenario but, for the most part, they play everything pretty realistic which was a nice surprise. Surprisingly there's no real nudity that I saw(the print I caught was not in the best shape though) and the actual raping does take place off screen. The focus here is on the violence and revenge parts. Being directed by a woman(Karen Young) helped the feminist message come through pretty clearly.  

 This was released under a few different titles including DEADLY DARLING, CRAZY FEMALE KILLER and UNLAWFUL HANGOUT.

 

THE BULLET TRAIN (1975)

  This is the only movie I've seen where Sonny Chiba doesn't play an ass-kicking martial-artist of some sort. Instead he's the driver of a train with a bomb on it that will explode if the train goes under a certain speed. Who knew that the movie SPEED with Keeanu Reeves was a remake of a Japanese disaster film? I remember liking SPEED well enough back in the 90s but this version makes it look like a cartoon in comparison. They do that thing here where you start out hating all the villains but by the film's end your sympathies are, at least somewhat, changed. There's also a pretty big downer of an ending (because this was the 70s) giving everything an epic feeling. 

 The original Japanese version of this is over 2 and a half hours long. The dubbed version I watched is a little shy of 2 hours, apparently they removed some of the character's backstories which I'm not sure diminished my enjoyment. In some other countries they cut it down to around 90 minutes which seems crazy short for this story. 

 

                                        Released in France as SUPER EXPRESS 109:

Released in Germany as PANIC ON TOKYO EXPRESS:

THE EXECUTIONER (1974)

  This is kind of a DIRTY DOZEN deal with a group of ne'er-do-wells(Sonny Chiba being the main one of course) sent on a mission to infiltrate some Japanese drug-dealing gangsters. There aren't 12 tough guys though, just 5, with one of them not showing up until almost the end of the film. Mr. Chiba plays a ninja here and his partners include a disgraced ex-cop and a depraved sexual pervert who gets hard-ons throughout the film at weird times. This one features some nudity and really delivers on the violence with blood flowing and Chiba breaking bones(one guy gets a rib ripped out of his chest!) and is fun even if it all is pretty predictable.  

 THE EXECUTIONER 2: KARATE INFERNO was the sequel though it was way more of a goofy martial arts flick than the original.

 

CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985)

 This is Mexican director Rubin Galindo Jr.'s first film and it's sort of a rip-off of HALLOWEEN since it takes place on Halloween night and features an unstoppable killer as it's centerpiece. Of course this was made 7 years after HALLOWEEN so he had about a million other slasher movies to be influenced by as well. He does accomplish a goofy good time for slasher fans. The gore, mostly due to our monster-killer's claw-like hands, is fairly plentiful, I must subtract points for no nudity, which should have been easy enough to include since the main cast of victims are a bunch of horny "teens" as usual.  There are a bunch of little kids that show up and make things feel like a bit of a cartoon towards the end. One kid is wearing a ridiculous jacket with Michael Jackson's face on it so at least he was cool. Of course the most important cast member is the great Hugo Stiglitz! Here he plays the Dr. Loomis part, but you have to imagine a sexy, well-dressed Loomis. And just like HALLOWEEN it features a stupid ending.

I've seen 2 of Galindo's other efforts, DON'T PANIC and GRAVE ROBBERS, which from what I recall were pretty similar to this but also pretty entertaining watches.