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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

THE LAST DINOSAUR (1977)

                                       
                                                        "You ding-dong!"

 So there's this old rich douchebag(Richard Boone), with the porn star-like name of Masten Thrust, whose drilling company finds a T-Rex in a secret land in Antarctica. Oh and he's also conveniently a big game hunter so he gets a group together consisting of a very large African tracker, a Japanese genius scientist, your standard white guy and a lady just so we can be constantly reminded of how sexist and macho he is and they go on to hunt down "the last dinosaur". The big twist here is that Masten himself, due to his outdated old-timey views on life, is really "the last dinosaur" of the title but this isn't much of a spoiler since they lay that out right from the beginning and the cringe-inducing theme song. Along the way they run into some trapped-in-time cave people and a couple of other giant prehistoric creatures including a triceratops and a pterodactyl. The monsters on display look on par with, or maybe even a bit worse than, something you might see on an old episode of THE LAND OF THE LOST which kinda  makes sense since the producers here and on that show are Sid & Marty Krofft. Tsuburaya Productions, of ULTRAMAN fame, worked on the FX which I guess explains their wonky rubber-suited Godzilla-ness which is still preferable than stupid cartoony c.g.i. (to me anyway).
 This was supposed to be released theatrically but, I guess due to it's general crappiness, it just got edited down and dumped to TV. Those lucky Europeans did get an extended version shown in theaters but not having seen that I can't tell you if there's an extended crusty old guy sex scene that's merely hinted at here but the idea of it will continue to haunt my nightmares.

                                     All the snazzy highlights!:




Monday, June 19, 2017

SPECIAL PRISON FOR WOMEN (1982)


 I've only seen this French women-in-prison/porn flick in it's original French language so maybe I missed some of the subtle nuances in the plot but from what I can make out with my very small understanding of French is that these two women(who I think are supposed to be Americans since they occasionally spout out some English lines like "Dirty Pig!" and "What is happening?") get arrested(for what I have no idea?) and thrown into a prison where they take sexy showers with the other female inmates and are repeatedly raped by the male and female guards. Now when I say rape it's the kind of rape that only happens in theses types of porn or sexploitation flicks where it's obviously consensual sex where the participants are very poorly acting like they are being forced to do something they don't want to so it doesn't pack quite the emotional wallop that it might under better-made circumstances. While the film is packed with sex each scene is relatively short which I think is a good thing to keep everything moving along. It all does move along and end up with the gals being used as prostitutes for some rich Arab gents and then running away in a pretty unexciting climax. If you dig Marilyn Monroe there is a very hot MM-look-alike that stars in this named Olinka Hardiman, and sometimes credited as Marilyn Jess, who plays another gal who gets locked up and boinked a bunch. I think I will try and find some of her other appearances, preferably something with some subtitles next time. AKA JAILHOUSE SEX







Wednesday, June 14, 2017

SCREAMERS (1979)


 I'd seen bits and pieces of this Italian-monster-gore classic over the years and I've owned the VHS forever but never felt the need to watch the whole movie up until recently thanks to a midnight showing in the local weirdo cinema. It's a pretty wacky but good example of Eurotrash horror involving an island of these fishmen creatures(hence the alternate title ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN) who will rip you to pieces and tear your head off in a gory fashion unless you are Barbara Bach and you feed them this special potion. It turns out Barbara's father(Joseph Cotton) is a mad scientist who may have been involved in the creation of the fish-faced monsters in the style of a certain Dr. Moreau that this movie may be ripping off. And there's also Richard Johnson (the doctor from ZOMBIE) who acts as the master of the island and is in search of the treasure of Atlantis which just so happens to be buried right in the local underground bay.
 I've only viewed this under the SCREAMERS title but apparently the original FISHMEN cut is longer and makes a bit more sense but it doesn't include the gore that producer Roger Corman added for the American version so I'm torn as to whether I really need to see this. Oh and sadly also no Cameron Mitchell(who only appears briefly in the opening sequence but it's still good to see that chubby old fellow) in the Italian print.
 The VHS box-cover and the poster for SCREAMERS promises us that we will see men turned inside out which is bullshit but there is a guy who our mad doctor is trying to turn into an amphibian-man who does kinda look like he's inside out with his lungs on the outside so I guess that's where they came up with this idea. AKA SOMETHING WAITS IN THE DARK

This is a really weird trailer since the scenes shown aren't even from this movie!:



I guess they thought the actual creatures looked a bit too goofy to advertise:


Lies!:



Thursday, June 8, 2017

VIRGIN HIGH (1991)


 Made well after the heyday of the 80s-teen-sex-comedy, this is the very low-budget and not very funny comedic story of a gal(Tracy Dali) who gets sent to an all-girls Catholic school after getting in trouble with her Dad(Burt Ward(Robin from the 60s BATMAN TV show)). Linnea Quigley is also a student there and plays the villain role well enough and was definitely the sexy highlight in this movie to me. Everyone else seems pretty retarded and annoying, especially our main gal's boyfriend and his even stupider friends. I think I laughed once during the whole runtime and the music, performed by a band called The Checks is pretty awful but you do get Miss Quigley topless in a sex scene and Mr. Ward involved in a whips and chains and bondage-filled marriage so that's something. For far superior naughty teen romps stick to the previous decade.

                                   Linnea's impure thoughts!!:






Thursday, June 1, 2017

DANCE OF DEATH (1976)


 Angela Mao, who's best known from Bruce Lee's ENTER THE DRAGON, stars here as a lady(though she's constantly referred to as a man for some reason) who gets trained in the kung fu arts by a drunken master and another guy who's always smoking(a pothead master??). While Mao herself is OK the movie itself is really dumb and has lots of very retarded comedy including fart jokes and jumping around like a 2-year old, which gets very tiring. It also doesn't help that it looks like crap on the DVD that I have of this. Right on the cover of the DVD it credits Jackie Chan as the director, which is a lie but supposedly he may have had something to do with supervising some of the fight sequences and since they're all in that comedic style of his I would tend to believe that. AKA THE ETERNAL CONFLICT

Monday, May 29, 2017

WHO FINDS A FRIEND FINDS A TREASURE (1981)


 This time around Bud Spencer and Terence Hill wind up on a tropical island in search of buried treasure. They run into a Japanese soldier still fighting World War II, natives who babble like idiots in pig Latin, some gangsters and a gang of pirates who dress like gay leather-daddy bikers. Directed by the great Sergio Corbucci, who also made some classic spaghetti-westerns including DJANGO, this one is an entertaining enough watch for a Sunday afternoon but being more of a fan of the Euro-westerns I can't help but rank those generally higher if just for the way better soundtracks. These movies are also probably more fun for nostalgic purposes, just like Abbott & Costello are for me, if you were raised on them as a kid which many folks seem to have been. AKA A FRIEND IS A TREASURE and KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE ISLAND



Sunday, May 28, 2017

DOUBLE TROUBLE (1984)


 Bud Spencer and Terence Hill team up once again in this stupid 80s comedy that has the plot of something that Hollywood would spit out which concerns two fellows who look exactly like a couple of rich guys and have to take their place to make a million dollars. I'm gonna guess the idea may have come from that Eddie Murphy movie TRADING PLACES except they added a bunch of fight scenes and took out any of the actual funny bits(oh and sadly no Jamie Lee Curtis' boobs). You do get to see big ol' Bud as a sexy sax-blowing jazz man and as his look-alike who is a big pussy who runs away from every hint of violence. Hill, for his parts, plays a daredevil and his rich sophisticated doppelganger so the boys do stretch their acting chops a little bit here unfortunately it's a bit too dumb and repetitive to give this a thumbs up and I'd say stick to the duo's westerns for better quality action.

No boobs in this but there are some nice Brazilian asses on display!:



Known in Germany as 4 FISTS FOR RIO and in France as WATCH OUT FOR DAMAGE ?:

GOD FORGIVES ... I DON'T (1967)


 This is historically important as the first film to feature Terence Hill and Bud Spencer together on screen. Most of the film does focus on Hill as a character named Cat Stevens(but I'm pretty sure he's not a Muslim) aka "Pretty Face", who gets involved with a gold robbery and a red-headed gangster fellow(Frank Wolff). We do get to see the two familiar 'Trinity' faces working together more towards the climax. It's nothing like the 'Trinity' movies though as this one is done in a totally serious tone. There is supposed to be a re-edited cut-down version of this that has comedic elements inserted but I've never seen that and I'm not sure how well it would work that way. It was also released as a Django film in Germany as GOD FORGIVES ... DJANGO NEVER! Overall it doesn't really stand out but is more of a curiosity to see where Spencer and Hill started out from and you get to see them fight it out which is unique. AKA BLOOD RIVER







Sunday, May 21, 2017

THEY CALL ME TRINITY (1970)



 One of my all-time favorite spaghetti-westerns and, outside of the Leone ones, probably the one I've gone back and re-watched the most. It's got a great theme song, head-bonking action and some silly comedic elements but the main draw are the two main characters of Trinity and Bambino, two outlaw brothers portrayed so well by Terence Hill and Bud Spencer. These two had teamed up before but this is the movie that really brought them fame (in Italy anyway). The only thing missing is the sex and violence but this is a G-rated comedic western and as far as those go this one is most likely one of the best examples.
 There was one slightly less-great official sequel where we get to meet the brother's family and then a bunch of movies that were re-titled with "TRINITY something, something" that have nothing to do with this(and some of those don't even have Terence Hill in them which make them extra disappointing rip-offs!  AKA MY NAME IS TRINITY





Thursday, May 18, 2017

THE MUTHERS (1968)


  Not to be confused with the 1976 Filipino blaxploitation/action flick of the same name, this is a 60s sexploitation deal about bored suburbanites who become swingers.
 There's a song by the 60s freak-out hippie band The Fugs called 'Saran Wrap' which is about not having a condom and desperately choosing to use saran wrap instead. I'd always thought that they had invented this bizarre practice but it is on display here so maybe they saw this film also(or maybe wrapping your dick to avoid babies, and for added freshness, was just a groovy kind of thing to do in the 60s??). Besides this one odd moment the rest of this film is pretty standard sex stuff with lesbian humping, schoolgirl orgies and that sort of thing. There is a bar called The Pink Swan where all the housewives go to screw around and seems to be some sort of whorehouse but no one ever pays up so I'm not sure how they make any money. Besides this mystery it was all pretty uneventful, and very softcore, but still a pleasant enough, boob-filled spectacle to watch on Mother's Day and the ending, which even features some bloody violence!, really comes out of left-field.
 The very next year director Don Davis took scenes from this, and a few of his other sex-filled films, and made something called WILD OUTTAKES which is a compilation flick that I have yet to see.

THE MUTHERS The whole filthy film!





Tuesday, May 9, 2017

SISTERS OF DEATH (1976)


 There are a few things to like about this 70s exploitation flick, the main one being a whole gang of sexy ladies, including Claudia Jennings, who would go on to be in a few other drive-in films before dying young in a car crash getting into a scary sorta-proto-slasher situation with our gals being picked off one-by-one by an angry father after his daughter is murdered during an initiation rite gone wrong. There are also a bunch of clunky illogical things that happen, the main one being our ladies getting into a car with two complete strangers who drive them an hour into the country and drop them off at some weird abandoned house and they only mildly question all of this. Also, without spoiling anything, the ending doesn't seem to add up, unless I missed something. If you don't think about these things too hard though it's a decent 70s horror ride.


                             
                               Neat middle-eastern poster with some original artwork!:

Monday, May 8, 2017

WICKED SINS (2002)


 One of the most boring, badly-made things I've seen in awhile.  I mean sure it's an "erotic thriller" so you get some very attractive nekkid folks humping away in softcore porn fashion but everything else just seems like some terrible TV-movie of the week with a heaping helping of the worst acting you'll ever see. The fact that this was made in 2002 seems mind-boggling to me also. Wasn't hardcore porn pretty easily accessible by everyone at that point? I'm sure if I was 12 years old and it was still 1983 this would be wonderful but watching it in 2017 it's quite a sleep-inducing drag! You get straight and lesbo sex antics, a murder scene and a mystery that you couldn't care less about. Go watch some crappy porn instead.

This version isn't in English but the dialogue sucks anyway and you still get all the nudeness!:

Sunday, May 7, 2017

NIGHT CREATURES (1962)


 Working my way through The Hammer Horror DVD set this is one that I'de never heard of but it's pretty good. This mostly has to do with Peter Cushing and Oliver Reed who are always excellent and the fact that the film moves along pretty briskly unlike many other Hammer films from this era. If you're looking for an actual horror film though this one barely qualifies being more of a dramatic tale of booze smuggling villagers (and pirates) and the king's army who are out to stop them. The titular "Night Creatures"(who reminded me of those bullies in THE KARATE KID who wore the skeleton pajamas) are not really a main focal point and the original British title of CAPTAIN CLEGG is more fitting, if not as exploitative. To sum it all up a good film that's not exactly a good example of Hammer horror but worth a look for something slightly different from the famous studio.



Double Chill Show with Hammer's PHANTOM!:


Friday, May 5, 2017

NIGHTMARE (1964)


 Somewhat dull Hammer flick that deals with a young lady(Jennie Linden) who sees her mom go nutzoid and stab her dad to death. She then has recurring nightmares and sees things that may, or may not, actually be there and goes a bit wacky herself. There's a couple of twists and turns that really reminded me of an old EC comic story. You know those ones where evil is punished at the end and justice is served. As is always the case with Hammer everything looks great, even in black and white, and the acting is fine but it's probably not one I would go back to rewatch anytime soon. AKA HERE'S THE KNIFE DEAR: NOW USE IT




Shock show double-feature with this Hammer FRANKENSTEIN epic!:


Thursday, May 4, 2017

THE HEAD (1959)


 I've heard this described as a German rip-off of THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE, except that movie didn't come out until 1962. So unless we're dealing with time-traveling filmmakers this is just a movie that shares the ol' living-head-in-a-pan gimmick from that film. While I prefer the American '62 head flick to this one, mainly because there's a lot of this that's tough to stay awake through, this one does at least offer us a sexy dancer lady who get her head swapped with a humpbacked crippled lass, so that's something. There's also all the standard mad doctor schtick and, of course, a talking head full of wires which make for some fairly typical b-movie scenes. Oh and as a little bonus you also get a living dog's head-in-a-pan! AKA THE SCREAMING HEAD and A HEAD FOR THE DEVIL



            Played in England on an X-rated double-bill with this Italian vampire flick!:

Known in Germany & France as THE NAKED AND THE SATAN!:



Wednesday, May 3, 2017

4D MAN (1959)



 This scientist fellow(James Congdon) is working on an experiment that makes solid objects pass through other solid objects on a molecular level which I guess is obtained bu entering into "the fourth dimension". Somehow this ends up screwing up his brother(Robert Lansing), who's also a scientist working on some super-metal, allowing him to pass through any object but also speeding up his aging process. While I'm not too sure about the scientific validity of anything that's presented in this 50s sci-fi flick I do know that it's another example of the science-gone-bad genre which was very popular at the time. A lot of the plot has to do with the drama of our main scientist involved in a love-triangle with his brother and his fiance(Lee Meriwether, who went on to be Catwoman on the BATMAN TV show). It's kinda hard to be very sympathetic to the hero since he's stolen one of his brothers girlfriends in the past and does the same thing for a second time here. Once our "evil" brother starts sapping various folks to gain his youth back things get very clear cut though. While not the most exciting movie of the era it's a tolerable time-waster for classic sci-fi appreciators. AKA MASTER OF TERROR








Saturday, April 29, 2017

THE MAGIC GARDEN OF STANLEY SWEETHEART (1970)

         "Are we hippies? You think we're hippies? I bet people think we're hippies, right?"

 Don Johnson's first movie is a total hippie-dippy, freakout story, based on a book, about a college student in New York looking to get laid and find some deep-philosophical truth about life in the process because this was made way back before deep-philosophical thoughts were banned from all forms of popular entertainment. You get lots of nudity including a quick full-frontal glimpse at Don's Johnson and plenty of nekkid hippie gals. While not a great film overall(and it does have that wacky kiddie "Sweet Gingerbread Man" song oddly pop up a couple of times!?) it is an interesting and surprisingly downbeat example of a flower-power flick complete with nihilistic 70s suicidal ending! I was glad to get to view a rare 35mm screening of this recently on the big screen hosted by film critic Joe Bob Briggs who is a big fan and if it's good enough for Joe Bob it's certainly good enough for me.

 


Thursday, April 20, 2017

JENNIE: WIFE/CHILD (1968)


 Set to the groovy tunes of Davie Allen and The Arrows(who I know from the awesome soundtrack to THE WILD ANGELS) this is the tale of a farmer(Jack Lester) who gets himself a young wife(Beverly Lunsford). He mostly treats her like crap so she gets the hots for the hunky, but also slightly retarded, farmhand(Jim Reader). So we get a love-triangle situation that leads to a weird ending with people chained in a basement and redemption through the act of screwing the local tramp(Virginia Wood). There's a skinny-dipping segment that uses the song "Birthday Suit"(which I recall from hearing when I was a little kid on the cartoon THE CATTANOOGA CATS which is a strange connection).
 A pretty good dramatic weird sexploitation flick from just before the XXX explosion came into being. AKA TENDER GRASS and WIFE/CHILD




At the drive-in with a Bert I. Gordon comedy!:

Drive-in triple feature with an early 60s crime thriller (which isn't a biker flick) and an old 50s horror flick!


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

COMMON LAW WIFE (1963)


 For what's mostly a silly sexploitation flick this one has a pretty bleak ending. Without giving too much of anything away I'll just say ii involves a couple of murders and a suicide. Not exactly the way you would think a film of this type would end up but that's cool. The plot concerns an older gentleman named Shug (whose name reminds of that rap guy Suge Knight) who wants to trade in his lady friend for his young niece, named "Baby Doll", because according to Shug(short for Shugfoot) incest is just a word. But surprisingly to the old fella, she's legally his, you guessed it, common law wife. There's lots of drama and love-triangles(rectangles?) to wade through but it does have a sweet climax. I'd give it a 6.5 out of 10 if I rated things like that.
 This was directed by cult fav Larry Buchanan who would go on to make a bunch of clunky sci-fi flicks throughout the 60s.






Sunday, April 16, 2017

UNKISSED BRIDE (1966)


 I guess technically this should be titled UNSCREWED BRIDE but that title might not have gone over well back in 1966. The story deals with a newlywed couple that can't consummate their marriage because every time the groom hears or sees something related to a Mother Goose story he passes out and apparently in the world of this film people are constantly referencing fairy-tales which makes things rough. For a film that seems to be marketed as sexploitation this is pretty tame with no nudity and fits more into the lame sex-comedy category. Comedian Henny Youngman shows up for a second to call someone at a drive-in(that's showing nursery rhyme cartoons, of course) stupid and old-timey shock-jock Joe Pyne has a couple of lines. This was directed by the producer of THE BLOB so The Blob gets name-checked. Overall this is a pretty dated and not very funny film that's only saving grace to me was some cool L.A. go-go dancing scenes which hardly made it worth the time. AKA MOTHER GOOSE A GO-GO

 


Sunday, April 9, 2017

THE RIDER OF THE SKULLS (1965)


 OK, so this was originally a Mexican serial featuring a masked(very Lone Ranger-like) hero battling various foes and they spliced 3 of these episodes together and released this. Because of this it does get a bit repetitive watching this as a feature-length film. On the plus side they do jam pack three ridiculous monsters into it including a ratty-ass Wolf man, or Lobo Humano in the native tongue, a vampire who has a hairy Wolfman-like face and frequently turns into a big rubber bat on a string and finally a Headless Horseman who manages to regain his big paper-mache head before battling our hero with the cool skull-covered shirt. There's tons of day-for-night shooting which leads to our vampire worrying about the sun coming up while clearly standing in bright daylight with shadows all around him. The werewolf has a unique way of transforming where he first completely turns into a skeleton before becoming a Wolf-Man. It's all very silly and watching this in a theater it was a bit difficult to stay awake during some of the drawn-out parts but worth checking out if you want to seem some obscure Mexican monster weirdness.
 The director here, Alfred Salazar, is the brother of bigtime cult Mexican actor Abel Salazar. He also made some Aztec Mummy movies and a few Santo flicks. He has been dubbed the Mexican Ed Wood and that's not too far off from the truth.


No matter who our hero is battling his solution is just to punch the hell out of his enemy!:


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

THE DEVIL HORSE (1975)


 This is a weird Mexican flick that's all over the place. It starts out as a wacky western musical comedy with a dad and his two sons who call themselves The 3 Musketeers and get into bar fights and other shenanigans. Then shit gets serious as one of the sons gets brutally murdered and a Satanic horse brings him back from the dead in exchange for the father's soul. I think this part is based on some Mexican folklore/legend thing and this tale has been done more than a few times over the years. It finally ends up being a sort-of EXORCIST rip-off as they try and get rid of this new violent(towards people and animals) and rapey devil-man. While certainly not a Mexican horror classic I found it worthwhile for it's weird disjointed plot line and it's probably the most artsy film that director Federico Curiel(who also made a few Santo flicks) did.

There was also an earlier neat-looking comic book featuring our black Satanic Devil Horse!:


Saturday, April 1, 2017

DEATH COLLECTOR (1976)



 Never heard of this New Jersey-based mobster flick until I found it at the local video store on glorious VHS for 33 cents. Gotta say it was definitely worth the purchase. Reading up on this it turns out this is the film that Martin Scorsese discovered Joe Pesci and Frank Vincent in and this seems like it overall would be an influential movie on later mafia stuff like GOODFELLAS and the SOPRANOS series. The main character here(Lou Criscuola) even has that young seething Robert DeNiro-vibe going on. There's also a strong Eurocrime-feeling you get while viewing this. Sadly this is not more well-known since it is such a strong entry into the mafiosa/hitman genre but it looks like it's out there really cheap so pick it up if you like watching wiseguys getting bumped off. AKA FAMILY ENFORCER, THE COLLECTOR and THE ENFORCER



The cheap-o DVDs all try and cash in on Joe Pesci being in this even though he's not the star: