A movie where almost every character is a lowlife sleazy scumbag. Just like in real life. The kind of movie that makes me happy I didn't grow up in the south, at least the one that exists in this tale. There are two characters that are sympathetic but neither one of them end up in a good place. Silly bikers, naked boobs, belt-whipping drunkards, hot-pants preachers, typical 1960's southern-fried racism, father stabbing. This movie is a fine mix of slop served up by legendary producer K. Gordon Murray.( also responsible for such garbage cinema as the Mexican SANTA CLAUS and a bunch of other south of the border strangeness) It's sure to please lovers of fine junk cinema.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Ultimately this is a pretty dissapointing pseudo-remake of the great Abel Ferrara/Harvey Keitel flick. While director Werner Herzog does have some wacky shots and weird bits thrown in here and there it's really not enought to take away from the simple fact that Nicolas Cage has become a pretty terrible cliched actor. It's hard to become engaged in his character when he's obviously just hamming it up the whole time. By contrast Keitel played a character that you feel increasing despair for the whole film. Just looking at the two very different endings gives a pretty clear picture. Keitel ends up spiralling down and sacrificing himself for some Christian notion of charity, Herzog goes with an almost completely happy ending with everyone around Cage getting clean and Cage himself getting a promotion. Now which one of those seems more powerful. A blaze of gunfire or hanging out with fish? I know which one I will rewatch first. Maybe if this isn't compared to its obvious inspiration it wouldn't fail so badly. Herzog still manages to entertain with all the absurd iguana cameos and breakdancing spirits but this one is down near the bottom of all the stuff I've seen from him so far.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A porno flick that starts out with a girl being kidnapped then raped in all inputs and even tortured with pliers isn't the kind of movie you would think would have a happy ending. Amazingly enough this one kinda does. There's a tease of a castration but sadly only a tease. Woulda made the movie a lot more exciting but probably not for the perverts in the audiences back then. Only in 1970's porn would rapist fantasies like this exist. It sure was a different time. It's worth seeing this oddity just for the sickness aspect of it but it does get pretty boring after awhile. The movie's only a little over an hour long but it's all basically one scene of three people screwing. This one's really only for Rene Bond completists as she looks good throughout her "ordeal".
Not only directed by but also starring the great Ed Wood as Glen/Glenda the cross-dressing transvestite fellow. This one is up their with PLAN 9 as one of the most entertaining of Woods' picures. It's basically the story of a guy who likes to wear angora sweaters and panties and how he's gonna tell his wife and what she's gonna do about this news. The wraparound features include Bela Lugosi spouting off strange sayings almost poetry-like over scenes of buffalos stampeding and other weird stock footage and a policeman going to a doctor to try and make sense of a tranny who commits suicide because society doesn't understand him. Is it inept filmmaking or is there actually a deeper message about intolerance about fetishes? Maybe a little of both but either way I find it an entertaining diversion and way above most of the standard 1950's cult movies.
One of the greatest monologues in film history?:
Friday, March 26, 2010
This 60's sexploitation quickie is cleary attempting to be a comedy of some sort but it's just too weird and disturbing to be funny. I do realize that most of these movies are made by men, with the obvious exception of the Doris Wishman ones, and they exist in a strange male fantasy world where women are sex-crazed at all times but this one goes off on some weird tangents. A typical "funny" moment is when our heroine tells her psychiatrist she was sexually abused by her father when she was young, he tells her that she must feel terrible about this, to which she replies "no, I just feel terrible telling anyone how bad in bed he was". Now who exactly is that written to make laugh? Dads who fuck their daughters? And that's the kind of humor that we're dealing with in this one. Most of the jokes aren't really that offensive though just really lame. So besides the terrible attempts at being funny there are lots of parts that drag, which is kinda typical with these 60's sex flicks in general. There is a great scene where the husband who has been cheated on, by his nympho wife, puts on a rubber Halloween mask and goes on a killing rampage, which wouldn't seem like it should be in this movie at all except so many strange things like that happen that's it's not that out of place.
Cigarette out of a donkey's ass and a feminist speech. Weird way to start out your sexploitation flick:
Dick Millers greatest role? Probably. I mean out of the tons of things he's been in he wasn't really the star of many things I can think of. This AIP studios classic, directed by b-movie great Roger Corman, is a simple story of a schlub named Walter Paisley(Miller) whose life sucks. Who can't relate to that? Our sympathy shifts though after he starts murdering people for his artwork which makes him popular but ultimately seals his doom. I guess the lesson is don't try to please the popular people because they're mostly jackasses anyway. At least that's the way I see it. This would be a pretty nihilistic movie it it wasn't done in such a lighthearted goofy way. Silly beat-nicks, retarded poetry, bad art jazz man. It all adds up to good times. Look for it on some cheap-ass DVD label near you or for free online. Miller went on to use the Paisley name in a few other flicks as well. This was HG Lewis' inspiration for COLOR ME BLOOD RED which is one of Lewis' worst movies so stick with this one.
Come to the land of living dreams?:
It's true, life really is an obscure hobo bumming a ride on the omnibus of art:
Thursday, March 25, 2010
While not the worst slasher movie I've ever seen DON"T GO IN THE WOODS loses a lot of points for me simply because it's so god-damned annoying. The main thing I'm talking about is the strange abrasive use of wacky sound effects throughout the whole movie. I'm not sure if it's supposed to throw you off while watching and create some kinda spooky mood but it just serves to piss me off and ruin what could be a much better slasher. I rewatched this recently after reading about director James Bryan in the AMERICAN NIGHTMARE book. He is an interesting guy and I would love to see his early sex films, they look quite bizarre. This movie just never seems to come together for me. Some of the murders are pretty brutal and very bloody but there's no rhyme or reason for anything that happens. A guy murders campers and that's the whole plot! Brilliant.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
As the 1980's dragged on like a cancerous growth Cheech & Chong seemed to be less relevant and equally less funny. Thank you Ronald Reagan, Madonna & Charles In Charge for a progressively shittier decade. This does still have its moments( I particularly enjoy the idiocy of the Dope-A-Thon and Queers In Space segments) but it's not up their with their earlier stuff. They followed this one up with their last movie THE CORSICAN BROTHERS, featuring a very toned-down lame-ass version of the duo. It's a movie that I've never felt the need to revisit since seeing it and being bored as a kid. After that it was all over, as far as movies go, and they split up. So enjoy this for what it is.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My new favorite movie(at least for this week). Sort of a mix of the insanity of a Russ Meyer movie with the sleazy weirdness of a John Waters film. SHE MOB stars a cast of unknowns from Texas who unfortunately seem like they have gone on to do nothing else of note. There's not even a director credited on the print I saw. So who knows what lunatic came up with this nuttiness. The main character is a large manly lesbian named appropriately enough Big Shim who puts out cigarettes in bellybuttons and loves the idea of castrating men. Her arch nemesis is private detective Sweetie East( an obvious take-off on 60's TV character Honey West) who is played by Monique Duval, who did appear in a couple of movies in France, if IMDB is correct, before sinking into obscurity. Features terrible 60's breast implants with visible scars. The sex scenes are retarded, the violence is just something wet & damp & dark smeared on body parts and the acting is atrocious but this thing has got to be the most entertainingly crappy sexploitation movie I have ever seen. If you thought FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! was too well done, this is the grungey lowlife movie for you. I think I wanna be Big Shim for Halloween.
A thrilling poker game between some tough broads breaks out:
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Italian director Antonio Margheriti should have won some kind of an award for making the most wacky knockoff movies in history. From 1960's musclemen Hercules movies to cheap-ass sci-fi stuff to horror to cannibal movies the guy has done it all and usually in the most absurd way possible. In this tale we not only get a half-assed CONAN THE BARBARIAN takeoff but it also ends up being a spaghetti STAR WARS flick by the end credits. You get dinosaurs that look like they were made from paper mache, robots that look like Darth Vader, laser gun fights, purple people, retarded cavemen and Yor even gets his very own 80's theme song. It's all very silly but fun at the same time. There's supposed to be a 4 hour version of this out there that was shown on Italian TV as a miniseries. I'm not sure if I could stand that much wackiness.
This has got to be the best movie that has been labeled the worst movie of all time. I mean it's not dull like a ton of other worse movies I can think of. The acting might not be great but it's not the worst I've seen. I think this would only be called the worst by someone who hasn't dug very deep into the cinematic muck that's out there. Even if we're just gonna go by the low-budget to call it bad there are a billion shot-on-video pieces of shit that have less of an aesthetic value than this. Features Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson and Vampira. How could you possibly make the worst movie with a cast of that magnitude? Just for its camp value alone you would have to label this a classic, which also describes most of Ed Wood's other movies.
“You earthlings are stupid, stupid, stupid!”
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Completely uninteresting crap from Japan. On paper it looks awesome. I mean how can you go wrong with beautiful bikini wearing samurai Japanese girls fighting zombies? Well I'll tell you how. First you adapt it from a video game and make the special effects look just like they do in the game. If that's not enough to turn you off you also get dubbing that sounds like retarded children were hired for that job. I didn't watch the subtitled version because I couldn't imagine sitting through this thing twice. Amazingly enough there is a sequel to this out there. I can't believe there was a big demand for it though. Goes by a bunch of titles: CHANBARA BEAUTY, ZOMBIE BIKINI SQUAD & ZOMBIE KILLER: SEXY AS HELL among others. I would avoid them all.
Cheech & Chong's follow-up to their movie debut UP IN SMOKE. It's not like any of these movies were great works of art but they were funny and I find that this one works just as well as the first for me. Cheech plays his cousin Red for half the movie and him and Chong get into most of the wacky hijinks. Features a take off on CLOSE ENCOUNTERS with some outer spacedust, the Mexican-Americans song, tons of weed smoking of course, Pee Wee Herman, a red Hulk character named Wamba played by that BODY BY JAKE guy, the guy from POLICE ACADEMY who makes the sound effects with his mouth, Edie McClurg as a pot-smoking grandma,and even Elvira without her makeup in a tiny part. Definitely worth checking out ya hippie.
God, I hate this movie. SINTHIA is the story of this annoying little twat who is obsessively in love with her father and jealous of her mother. So one day she sees them making love and kills them both in a fit of illogical rage. This all happens at the very beginning of the movie so then for the next 80 minutes or so we are treated to pitiful ass-wipe Sinthia whining and crying about what she did. She repeats "Daddy, where are you?" and crap like that ad nauseam until you feel like the movie is intentionally trying to torture you with its pseudo-artsy-fartsy nonsense. The whole thing has the feel of a really bad LSD-inspired nightmare, but not in a good way. Director Ray Dennis Steckler, disguising himself here under the name Sven Christian, has done some good horror flicks (THE THRILL KILLERS) and some fun bizarre kid flicks (RAT FINK A BOO BOO) but he should stay away from attempting art-house bullshit. There is a ton of nudity on display but it's all presented in such an unappealing manner that I can't imagine it would turn anyone on.
This group turned the movie into a music video, not sure if it's any better that way but at least it's shorter and you can't hear Sinthia's grating voice:
Westerbergs serves Hospitalfood - "Sinthia, the devils doll" from Hospitalfood.be on Vimeo.
Friday, March 19, 2010
The only reason I bought this 1980's shot-on-video slasher flick is because I know how very rare it is. Of course sometimes things are rare for a good reason. The reason this is probably rare is because it's a pretty unwatchable piece of crap. It took me a couple of tries but I did make it through the whole stupid thing. It's movies like this(and calling it a movie is being very polite of me) that makes a person appreciate what HG Lewis did about 20 years earlier. I mean Lewis' films look like fuckin' masterpieces compared to this garbage. Shooting on video looked like shit in the 80's and for the most part it still does today so I guess I shoulda known better. Go watch BLOOD FEAST again instead.
On the other hand if anyone does like this movie there's a guy on Youtube who bought the rights to it and was selling a bunch of stuff from the movie on there and re-releasing it on DVD. Here's a promo for that release:
Documentary featuring Anton LaVey and the Church Of Satan. Probably only of interest to people who are into Satanism or that kind of thing. Goes on for a bit long at 85 minutes as it's really just a string of interviews of LaVey and various church members and it also shows some silly rituals in which people get dressed up in silly masks like they're at mardi-gras. Does feature some nudity but the women are not very attractive for the most part. LaVey is always an interesting character to hear speak but the film overall is only mildly entertaining at best.
Yay SATANISM!! It's got a good beat and it's easy to dance to!:
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Director Don Jones follow up to his amazingly titled SCHOOLGIRLS IN CHAINS. This poorly acted variation on the movie PSYCHO is a decent waste of 85 minutes. The story of a dorky, crippled gardener named Caleb who has an alter ego as his little brother Lester who just so happens to be a homicidal smooth-talkin' 70's ladies man. Conversations that only happen in the psychos mind(ala Norman Bates) drag us into the madness. Groovy outfits abound and silliness ensues in this proto-slasher. They even throw in a little twist ending for your viewing pleasure. Look for the nazi officer from ILSA, who likes to get pissed on, as the typical bumbling police chief.
Check out psycho Caleb/Lester doing his Spanish door-to-door record salesman shtick:
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Not as bad as you would expect from a direct-to-video horror movie starring porn and rock stars. Of course it features terrible CGI garbage cartoon effects and therefore the pitiful action sequences are really pathetic looking but overall it is amusing and even funny in parts. Sort of works in the same way as ZOMBIELAND where you don't really care or feel anything for any of the cardboard characters and you're just along for the retarded ride. Jenna Jameson does an OK job playing a stripper turned zombie and Robert Englund is entertaining as the scumbag boss but the greatest performance in the whole thing has got to be that of Joey Medina as Paco the stereotypical silly Mexican janitor.
Who knew there was a halfway decent Al Adamson movie? Not that this is anything great but it is watchable and sorta amusing in it's ridiculousness. You get a vampire couple who kinda remind me of Morticia and Gomez Addams, a giant humpback, named Mango, who keeps girls chained up in the basement, a homicidal kill-crazy lunatic and a moon-worshipping nutty butler played by John Carradine. All the ingredients of a good time. A young couple inherits the castle that this kooky crew inhabit and silliness ensues. The really silly part is how, after being chained up and held by the family, they manage to get out of their predicament and overcome all the odds stacked against them. If they only threw in a werewolf and maybe a bigfoot or caveman this thing would be perfection! Definitely the best thing I've seen from director Adamson yet.
Groovy tune for a groovy kidnapping!:
Really piss-poor slasher flick. The only thing that makes this in any way interesting is the bizzarro performance of the great Tiny Tim. He's awesome as a demented, disturbed man-child in clown makeup. He's so awesome that whenever he's not on screen the movie goes right down the toilet. If only Tim had made more movies like this I think he coulda been a real hit. Not sure how much is actually acting and how much is just Tiny being himself. Having listened to him many times on The Howard Stern Show this character doesn't seem too far removed from the real guy. But either way it's worth checking out just for that and Tinys amazing theme song at the end.
Not from the movie but this has got to be one of Tiny's greatest performances ever!:
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
An entertaining early Italian Mondo movie. Obviously since this was made in '63 it's not as crazy as the later stuff where we see all kinds of death and disgustingness. The big gross-out here is probably the Laplander woman castrating a reindeer with her teeth, which really isn't all that graphically shown anyway. I love the style of these old crazy films. The blurring of reality with scenes just designed to shock. The jumping from beautiful landscapes to harsh ugliness. Its a good mix. Plus if you get bored with one segment it's over quickly enough. A.K.A.- THIS SHOCKING WORLD & IL MONDO DI NOTTE 3(This was apparently part of a series of movies in Italy. The other 2 look pretty dull in comparison.)
A little history of mondo movies:
James Cameron's finest moment? Probably not(actually Cameron only shot this thing for 2 and a half weeks before getting fired and producer Ovidio Assonitis was mostly responsible for the final movie).
No one loves stupid monster movies more than me, but this one is pretty awful. You really don't care about what happens to any of the characters and everyone does typical stupid things. Except Lance Henrikson, who seems to be the only halfway decent actor in this. The coolest thing, of course, is that piranhas fly around and rip peoples necks out! Since there weren't any flying shark movies in the 80's, that I'm aware of, I'm gonna say this is the best flying killer fish movie out there, if that means anything. The monster fish remind me of the creatures in PARASITE, the 3-D Demi Moore monster flick. Hell, this thing would have been a lot better in 3-D too. There are worse underwater JAWS rip-offs, that's for sure.
This was a frequent UHF favorite, back in the day, which is where I first saw it:
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Obviously influenced by Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO a great bit, this schizophrenic cross-dressing killer movie is mildly entertaining at best. The one area it tops PSYCHO in is the inclusion of female nudity and a generally more pervy feel to the happenings. Doesn't have much of a mystery to it though as we can tell who the killer is. They couldn't make it more obvious that it's the main character all gussied up in a dress running around and looking ridiculous. How they shot this thing in public without bystanders cracking up at the sheer absurdity of it all is beyond me. For cult film buffs it's interesting to note that Ted V. Mikels did the cinematography on this. For a superior PSYCHO rip-off go with William Castle's HOMICIDAL.
Can't find this trailer anywhere so enjoy this hodge podge of SOMETHING WEIRD crap instead:
Director Ti West's new retro-horror thing works for the most part. The ending is kind of a predictable letdown unfortunately. It starts out being a seriously creepy movie and ends up somewhere in the realm of silliness. Maybe if the build up wasn't done as well as it was it wouldn't be as jarring that it leads you where it does. Definitely worth seeing if just for the atmosphere it creates and sustains through most of the film. Should be interesting to see what West does next. Heard that his CABIN FEVER 2 is actually decent plus gory and gooey as hell. Gotta check that out soon.
A delightfully campy slice of 70's sexploitation. Before the XXX hardcore scene got into full bloom movies like this were churned out to fill the niche market of filthy perverts looking for cinematic sex thrills. Basically this one is a very dumb comedy with a bunch of sex scenes thrown into the shenanigans. I kept trying to figure out who the hell Sassy Sue was throughout the movie until the silly twist ending lets ya know. If you think hillbilly chicks are sexy this might be the movie for you. Director Bethel Buckalew made a whole slew of these countryfied sex flicks including THE PIGKEEPER'S DAUGHTER, another personal favorite of mine. Check em out ya pervy hicks.
Rollin in the hay:
Saturday, March 6, 2010
If you like watching women getting burned alive and killed in various ways for being witches maybe you will dig this. Has director Ulli Lommel ever made a decent film? I've yet to see one. THE BOOGEY MAN was another incoherent mess from what I recall of it. Plays sorta like Ulli's version of MARK OF THE DEVIL. Donald Pleasence shows up as a doctor for a bit trying to help one woman. The ending is pretty strange as one of the witches turns out to actually have super-powers and shoots laser beams out of her eyes which melt faces and make heads explode. Not sure if it's worth sitting through all the talky crap, in the rest of the movie, just for that though. Especially since you can just watch all 90 seconds of the highlights right here:
Friday, March 5, 2010
Joseph Lai's follow up to THUNDER KIDS 2. Not that any of these movies have anything to do with each other outside of there being some seemingly retarded children in each of them. In this one the kids are a bunch of white-faced vampire/ghosts. They're just as annoying, if not more so, than those damned kids in the 1960's GAMERA movies. Only slightly better than TK 2 becuase of the hopping vampires and horror elements, but still not very good. Spliced in American scenes just make no sense as usual and the comedy is just painfully stupid. Is director Alton Cheung another alias for Godfrey Ho? If not, he sucks just as badly at making a coherent film.
Never seen part 4 but it looks like the THUNDER NINJA KIDS are a bunch of perverts in that one:
Is this the bastard son of FRITZ THE CAT and Daffy Duck? Is this where the legacy of Ralph Bakshi has gotten us? I don't know, maybe. Probably works better as shorts, which is what QD originally was. Still a better idiotic comedy than most Hollywood crap I've seen recently. Might be even more funnier if you actually are a homosexual, which I'm not. Will be offensive to small-minded imbeciles like, for example, most Christians/religious ass-wipes and/or overly macho types(who most likely are just upset about their own gay feelings that they try so hard to hide, that they have to automatically hate anything like this). In other words check it out you fag.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Could have been filmed in 1990 or 1980 or even 1970. There's no relation to anything from any of those decades visible to me. The dubbing is wonderfully absurd. Everyone calls the buddha "the booder" or something like that?? Basically, it's just a really crappy kung fu flick with some ninjas thrown in here and there. The other THUNDER NINJA KIDS movie I've seen, THE HUNT FOR THE DEVIL BOXER, at least has some horror elements thrown into it with those hopping vampires and all that silliness. This one doesn't even have that to amuse you. Joseph Lai produces, Godfrey Ho directs under the name Charles Lee. The kings of splicing movies together and ending up with a mess. 2 names you never hear involved in anything good. Great movie to put on if you need to take a nap.
Probably my favorite of the new wave of recent extremely gory/extremely strange ultra-violent Japanese movies that I've seen. They are all full of horrible looking CGI and so is this one. I think the addition of intentionally comedic bits helps out a lot though. Overall it's a hyper bizarre mix of industrial music, monster fights, hot Japanese schoolgirls, wrist slitting competitions and strange black worship which I think is gonna come off as pretty racist to most Americans who see this. Knowing a little bit about the ganguro trend (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganguro) helps ya kinda see where they're coming from with that. In fact, the whole thing is a strange mockery of Japanese teenagers, trends and high school. This is also the 1st one of these things I've caught in a theater which doubled my appreciation. It was very cool to actually see this in a theater even though I had to sit near a loud gentleman who smelled of hot dog water.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
If you're a fan of The Sex Pistols you've probably seen all this footage before, of course, but director Julian Temple juxtaposes it with relevant stuff and adds some new commentaries by band members to make it an interesting watch. Still haven't seen his Joe Strummer documentary yet but the Pistols have always been so much more interesting and entertaining, to me anyway, than The Clash. Temple was also the director of THE GREAT ROCK 'N' ROLL SWINDLE back in 1980 which was a pretty piss poor fantasized version of this. Would make a sorta schizophrenic double feature though.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Cautionary tale mixed with sleazy sexploitation nudie-cutey. Star Misty Ayers was a stripper back in the 50's but she doesn't even get nude in this. We just get to see her in some old-timey underpants. Pretty depressing story where things just go consistently wrong for our dopey heroine. She starts out with a crappy job slinging hash and then gets an even worse job being kept as a slave prostitute. She meets a guy who seems like he's gonna help her out but things just keep getting worse. Not the most uplifting thing to watch on a Sunday morning with a hangover but they do try to give you a neat little wrap up and a strange ending which basically says we're all doomed until we wipe out all crime. The absurd comedy bits with a strange Redd Foxx looking gentleman don't work at all. Pretty bleak for such a silly movie. This thing was supposedly filmed sometime in the 50's and not released until 1965 and it certainly looks like it.
The marijuana generations answer to the 3 Stooges? Maybe. This is the best C & C movie for my money. Even if just for the amazing rock fight/battle of the bands scene at the end. Silly, stupid and funny. The only problem that I found was the DVD I watched of this had no boobs in it. Now I may be delusional but I do recall boobs in this thing. Hell, those were the most memorable scenes from the movie when I was a young boy watching it for the 1st time. The bust scene and in the back of the van there were bare tits. Nice ones too!! The Paramount DVD has no boobs to be found anywhere. Why would they release a cut version of the movie? The thing even has deleted scenes on it. How the hell do you include deleted scenes and then take out scenes that belong in the movie? The movie was still funny but tits make everything that much better. Fuck you Paramount!