Sunday, September 29, 2013
Directed by Franco Prosperi(but a different Franco Prosperi than the guy made MONDO CANE and all it's sequel mondo-films in the 60's) this movie was released under a few different names including WHITE SLAVE, FOREST SLAVE and AMAZONIA: THE CATHERINE MILES STORY but the worst one is probably CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST 2 since compared to the granddaddy of man-eating-man epics this is one is pretty tame. There are cannibals but the main group dealt with in the story here is a tribe of head-hunters who take the titular lady hostage so instead of the expected gut-ripping and entrails-munching you instead get heads sawed-off and that sort of gory violence. You also get a lot of jungle nakedness for fans of nudity to ogle and a giant fake-looking alligator shows up for a cameo. On the animal-violence side you do get a leopard murdering a little monkey and a small snake getting beheaded so I guess that's something.
While I wouldn't really call this a classic cannibal flick there is something about the film that I dig and I've watched it a few times now. Maybe because it has a cool revenge theme going on that plays out well in a bloody climax or maybe just because of the title switcheroos that suck me in and by the time I start watching I'm hooked or maybe I just like naked blondes.
The opening of this movie informs us that this is a true story which based on real facts which, as anyone who has ever seen an exploitation movie already knows, is a big load of horseshit.
There's a whole slew of movies that have been labeled as CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST 2 including:
EATEN ALIVE (1980) Umberto Lenzi
THE GREEN INFERNO (1988)
CANNIBAL WORLD (2004) Bruno Mattei
This never actually happens in this movie but it makes for a sweet VHS box cover!:
Naked boobs on your movie posters proves that your country is awesome!:
Saturday, September 28, 2013
The last 3 Russ Meyer features (this, SUPERVIXENS and BENEATH THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRA-VIXENS) are all pretty similar in tone and they're also all bat-shit crazy. It's like Meyer wanted to go out with a blast and get as close to doing porn as he could without lowering himself to the gynecological-shots that pervade that genre. This one has a gay Hitler-character getting murdered in a bath-tub by a ball-biting piranha leading to a murder/mystery plot, giant fake cocks, rape, lots of ridiculous Olympics-style screwing and, of course, lots of big bouncy boobs. It's all done with a very frantic pace, a Shakespearean-Candy Samples narration and towards the end we even get a blood-soaked finale including an axe in the chest and a guy chainsawed through the belly. What more could an exploitation fan ask for?
It's hard for me to say exactly which is my favorite of Meyer's films but this one is up there towards the top of the breast-filled heap. AKA OVER, UNDER AND UP! and UP! SMOKEY
Thursday, September 26, 2013
This was originally a 12-chapter serial released back in 1946 packed with crazy fight scenes involving people getting clobbered with chairs and leap diving at their enemies. There's also lots of death-defying bits as that's how these serial-things usually end a chapter on a cliff-hanging note. The titular villain is a goofy skull-masked fellow, who looks like he should be battling Captain America, with an equally goofy weapon called a Cyclotrode, that's some sorta death-ray/atomic-bomb deflector/electrical disruptor or something or another. The Crimson Ghost was then re-edited and re-released as a TV-series in the 50's, then condensed into a movie version in 1966 called CYCLOTRODE X and then finally colorized and released on VHS in a different condensed version as THE CRIMSON GHOST. I've only seen this last 1990-version and I gotta think that might be the best way to view this nowadays unless you enjoy watching scenes repeated over and over in the serial form. Or maybe you could just watch one chapter and come back a week later for the next one to simulate the original theatrical showings.
This is really best remembered today by punk-rockers everywhere as the place The Misfits took their logo from and it's a pretty cool look. Unfortunately the Crimson Ghost doesn't really do much fighting here. He leaves that up to his henchmen, one of which is played by Clayton Moore who went on to become TV's The Lone Ranger.
One other interesting thing about this film is that the lead lady here actually gets to do a bunch of stuff that women of this era didn't usually do in movies. She wears pants, gets right into the fighting action and is even allowed to drive a car at one point. Way to go sister! Check this one out for some wacky 40's criminal hijinks.
CYCLOTRODE X trailer. Look at them leapin' nuts!:
In addition to everything Misfits-related, The Crimson Ghost also pops up in this classic metal jam along with a slew of other classic monsters:
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
This is one of the hundreds of DJANGO-rip-off westerns made in Italy over the years. This one really has nothing to do with DJANGO except for giving the main character, played by Gianni Garko, his name. It deals with a couple of expert bounty-hunters who end up getting pitted against each other. Why every spaghetti-western, or every action movie in general for that matter, isn't about bounty-hunters I'm not sure since they make great characters in these types of films. The story is pretty standard with revenge and greed thrown in and it turns out pretty much how you would expect it to but it's shot really beautifully so it has that going for it. One thing I couldn't help but notice, watching this on a big screen recently, is that there's a lot of black eye-liner used by a few people here which was a little distracting but besides this it's a decent watch with lots of folks getting shot up. AKA GUNS OF VIOLENCE, 10,000 DOLLARS FOR A MASSACRE and a few DJANGO-something-something titles in various countries.
There was a very similar film as this titled VENGEANCE IS MINE which came out a year later, starred the same two leads as this also going up against each other and was probably shot around the same time.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
I think my favorite thing about this movie is that it stars William Smith as the good guy. That's a pretty rare thing since he always plays the opposite role in everything from BLACK SAMSON to ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN to every TV show from the 70's and 80's. It makes me think that he coulda been an equally awesome action hero as much as the villain-role he was typecast into.
The plot here is also pretty wacky involving women being mutated into "bee girls" and screwing guys to death. You get some high-quality naked boobs and wonky science. Unfortunately there are some really slow bits, in between the sexy stuff and action sequences, involving the investigations of the murders(blah,blah,blah) that drags this movie down a bit. Still worth a watch for some 70's horror groovieness. AKA GRAVEYARD TRAMPS
Invasion Of The Bee Girls by crazedigitalmovies
Saturday, September 21, 2013
This nudie-cutie/roughie certainly has potential with it's giggling rapist/madman of the title but for the most part it just drags a lot. You do get naked boobs and ass, including a shower scene, lesbian back-massages, people getting dressed and undressed slowly and a weird orgy but it coulda been so much better if they woulda went the LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT or the HITCH HIKE-route and just gone all out with the sadism and brutality but I guess the 60's weren't ready for that kind of insanity and we have to wait for the 70's to roll around. Probably the most politically incorrect scene here involves a gal who gets sexually assaulted and then fantasizes about her attacker. As it all plays out you get some good scenes with our madman, some crappy folk music, a beatnik acid-head and the orgy where a bunch of people wear those clear Halloween masks that are always a little creepy. There are way worse nudie-cuties out there.
The East Side Kids, the earlier version of The Bowery Boys, end up in a haunted house with Bela Lugosi in their 14th movie. It turns out the house doesn't really have any ghosts in it but has Nazis instead which I think would be a lot scarier since Nazis actually exist.
If you've seen any of the million other Bowery Boys/East Side Kids movies you know exactly what to expect and it's lots of stupid jokes and this one has some of that old-timey, racial/stereotypical humor with the black Scruno character. They used to show all these around 2am on the local station when I was younger and that's probably a good time to watch these if you suffer from insomnia. There was an earlier Lugosi/Kids meet-up titled SPOOKS RUN WILD which was equally dumb.
It does sound an awful lot like Lugosi says "Shit!" when he sneezes:
Friday, September 20, 2013
This astronaut crash-lands his spaceship and ends up dead. Except that it turns out he's not really dead and has brought back some kinda mutating aliens, that look like Sea-Monkeys, in his blood and also one very ugly, big-headed, hulking alien/monster. The monster goes on to rip a scientist's head off and cause bad feelings all around.
Produced by Roger's brother Gene Corman, this AIP monster-flick runs a little over an hour, which is a good thing since it's pretty basic and also pretty talky when our monster ain't around. The gestating-alien-thing is sort of a precursor to ALIEN minus the gory exploding out of bodies of course. Probably worth a watch if you like the old AIP monster flicks but there's a lot better ones to check out first. AKA THE CREATURE FROM GALAXY 27 and THE MONSTER FROM GALAXY 27
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
This movie is under an hour long and the first 10 minutes of it are a little documentary about witches so that would make the actual movie part around 50 minutes and it still drags! This was directed by Larry Buchanan who would go on to make a bunch of similarly crappy movies including ZONTAR and MARS NEEDS WOMEN but this one is one of his first stabs at horror. I would put this one in the same category as something like MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE for it's slow-moving clunkiness. The title does deliver as promised and you do get a naked witch swimming around in one scene which may have been quite spicy to see in 1961. Even with this nudie bit it's still a rough sit.
Watch at a heavy risk of sleepy eyes:
THE NAKED WITCH is also an alternate title for THE WITCHMAKER which is a way more watchable witch-movie than this:
Sunday, September 15, 2013
This is the 1st part of a trilogy which includes:
WOLF-DEVIL WOMAN 2 aka FURY OF THE SILVER FOX, VENUS THE NINJA & WOLFEN NINJA
WOLF-DEVIL WOMAN 3 aka PHOENIX THE NINJA & MIRACULOUS FLOWER
There is another Italian rip-off from 1980 that I often mix-up with this one titled ALIEN 2: ON EARTH but from what I can recall that one was pretty awful.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
I love movies with monkeys! Mad, psychopathic monkeys running wild is even better! This here is the story of a cute little baboon named Shakma who gets his brain experimented on by Roddy McDowall and then becomes a hyperactive, neck-chomping machine. The story takes place in a building where a bunch of dorks are playing some kinda real-life Dungeons & Dragons game. One of these dorks is Christopher Atkins from THE BLUE LAGOON. If there's any group of people more worthy of having their faces and throats ripped out by primates than gaming nerds I can't imagine who they could be. The only bad thing about this film is that it was released in 1990 and by that time writing halfway believable dialogue that wasn't jokey and cringe-inducing was unheard of. The acting is also pretty horrible but that's kinda expected. If you dig mad, red-assed monkeys check it out though. AKA PANIC IN THE TOWER and NEMESIS
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
This kung fu flick is basically a rip-off of the Jean-Claude Van Damme BLOODSPORT movie with a similar tournament situation going on and even the same world's greatest kung-fu-villian Mr. Bolo Yeung playing a character named Chang Lee as opposed to his totally different BLOODSPORT character of Chong Li and Bolo as always is awesome in everything he appears in! You also really get a STREETFIGHTER-video game feel with some of the other fighters here including a large Sumo-wrestler, a giant Indian man, a mad monkey kung-fu fighter, a wrestler who looks like Mr. Clean and a few other interesting characters. There's also an awesome Asian punk gang complete with mohawks and multi-colored-dyed hair led by a swarmy white guy that drive around in a Jeep that says "FUCK YOU" across the back. They kick some ass and definitely add to the excitement whenever they show up. I first encountered this fine film playing on the Spanish station and it's such a straight-forward film that you really don't even need to understand what's being said to appreciate the bloody-fighting goodness.
There were at least 3 sequels to this and I really hope that gang shows up in those also. It's doubtful though since BLOODFIGHT 2 is actually a movie from 1988 so I'm assuming they probably have nothing to do with this besides just a retitling. AKA FINAL FIGHT
Homemade poster from Ghana!:
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
There's a couple of problems I have with this movie. #1 is that it's a comedy/monster/spy movie with really bad humor in it. Like it's supposed to be funny that a guy makes random animal noises and all the Cuban characters, I think, are supposed to be stereotypical laugh riots which they're really not(although I do appreciate the politically-incorrect nature of these characters). #2 is that the monster here looks like a walking/swimming pile of shit with googly-eyes and Wolverine claws. Hopefully this creature was supposed to be funny also but with these old Roger Corman monster flicks it's hard to tell since even the more serious ones were pretty laughable. This might be one of my least favorite Corman-directed flicks but there are worse things you could watch at 2 a.m. and you might actually get a few chuckles watching ol' shit-pile run amok at the end.
Monday, September 9, 2013
If you enjoy naked Asian women and women-in-prison films this may be the perfect movie. I've never seen the first chapter in this sordid saga but that doesn't seem to matter since this is a tale in itself. Girls get peed on, water, vegetation and a snake(I think) gets forced into a vagina, naked cat-fights abound, lesbian antics ensue involving a jailhouse-dildo, a gal is kicked in the stomach until she has an abortion, the Yakuza get involved in an ultra-scummy prostitution/slavery ring and the overall sleaze level never dips very low throughout it's run-time(which clocks in at a speedy 70 minutes). There's also a mother/daughter rape scene that leads to a whole bonus rape/revenge movie within your women-in-prison flick. What more could you need?
I need to track down the first TRUE STORY OF A WOMAN IN JAIL: SEX HELL but I can't imagine it's possibly any more epic and sleazy than this one. There's also a sequel to this titled NEW TRUE STORY OF A WOMAN CONDEMNED TO HELL.
This version has no English subtitles. If you want those buy the DVD you cheap prick!:
Sunday, September 8, 2013
If you like Karen Black this is the most Karen Black-iest movie you will find. All in one classic 70's TV-movie you get three stories starring Ms. Black. The first one features her as a teacher that one of her students has the hots for. So naturally he takes her to the drive-in, drugs her and date-rapes her. Luckily there's a twist ending that's sorta happy but not really. Then we get Black in what's basically a dual-role as a woman with a crazy split-personality. That story's kind of forgettable but the last story, and the one everyone whose ever heard of this movie knows, is very memorable since it stars a little wild Zuni-fetish doll who goes ape-shit and tries to kill Karen. This is one of those things that if you saw it when you were a kid you may have been scarred for life. There were quite a few 70's TV-flicks like that and this is one of the best ones just for this last tale alone.
There was a TV-movie sequel in 1996 that I've never seen but since the 90's were generally so awful, and TV in the 90's was probably the worst thing ever, I'll just say it blew.
If you want to see a whole Island full of angry murderous Zuni-fetish dolls gone berserk check out ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES.
This movie pretty much defines what a classic bad movie is. You mostly just get tons of dialogue and all of it sounds really stupid. On the plus side you do get a cheesy ugly monster, and his stupid giant bat minions, but if you can actually stay awake long enough to see these creatures you are a better person than me.
This was an AIP TV-movie remake of their 50's flick IT CONQUERED THE WORLD and that movie was way better, mostly because it had a much goofier monster that looked like a big upside down ice-cream cone and Lee Van Cleef in it. Here we get John Agar, instead of Mr. Bad, who is fairly good in a lot of other stuff but is pretty dull here along with everyone else that appears. I will give credit to Zontar for having what may be the coolest name of any old-school monster and the name my offspring would have if I was ever dumb enough to procreate and trusted enough to name the little jackass.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
So this crazy scientist mixes some Godzilla cells with a rose and grows this new plant-monster named Biollante who dukes it out with the big green lizard even though they're sorta related. This is the 17th Godzilla film but if you go according to the plot it's really just a sequel to GODZILLA 1985 and the original 1954 one and it disregards all the goofy movies in between those two. This one goes along pretty seriously, at least as seriously as a giant monster movie can go. There's a bit more violence than many of the films including people getting shot by Middle Eastern terrorists and a neat bit where Godzilla gets spiked through the hand just like Jesus. Unfortunately this was a pretty big flop when it was originally released in Japan so after this Toho went back to using the more classic Godzilla villains like Mecha-Godzilla and Ghidorah. Still this is probably a pretty good one to view if you're at all a fan of these sort of Japanese monster films and they still stick to the classic guy-in-a-suit and real special effects which I'm sure will be disregarded when/if that new American Godzilla
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
This is a pretty crappy, typical kung fu flick. It's also mostly a comedy with lots of stuff like nut-shots and other physical comedy stuff. Maybe if Jackie Chan was in this it woulda been more entertaining. Instead of Jackie we get some guy called Shaking Eagle who doesn't seem like much of a leading man. There's an annoying little boy who shows up every once in a while and I hate that! Strangely the theme from HAWAII FIVE O shows up as well as some unexpected square dancing music. On the plus side there is a pig-wrestling scene and a guy gets his leg ridiculously chopped in half by a mighty kung fu chop. This hardly makes it all worth it though. In addition to the crudiness of the film itself, the VHS I watched of this was put out by Xenon Pictures and the quality, as with a lot of their stuff, is really poor. AKA KUNG FU ON SALE
Hilarity ensues(or not):
Monday, September 2, 2013
This is a sequel to the classic Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson blaxploitation flick BLACK CAESAR and like many sequels it's basically just a not-as-good imitation of the original. Everything from the soundtrack(the original was by James Brown and this one kinda sounds like someone imitating James Brown) to the plot pales in comparison. There's also one strange scene where The Hammer kills a guy and cartoon blood comes out of the unfortunate fellow in a strange proto-ROGER RABBIT moment. Also, not to ruin BLACK CAESAR for anyone out there who hasn't seen it in the last 40 years, but at the end of that movie Williamson seems very dead so there shouldn't even be a sequel. There are some decent action scenes here though including one with a kung fu bikini-gal so it's probably worth checking out for that or just if you're a fan of 'The Hammer'.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
This movie is pretty awesome! It's one of those crazy-ass insane kung fu flicks that might hurt your head if you try and think about what the hell is going on too hard but it was made by the Shaw Brothers studio so it's nuttiness is done extra well. You get a kung fu gorilla(in a classic 1930's-looking gorilla-suit), some killer snakes, a giant snake, laser beams, a guy with bionic metal Big-Bird legs, a green-faced monster guy with a lobster hand and all kinds of weird plot elements. They pack so much off-the-wall stuff in this that you really don't have time to get bored. Another thing I liked is that according to this movie you don't even have to train at all to become a kung fu master which certainly gives me a lot of hope. All you have to do is eat the right stuff and I'm really good at eating stuff. In this case the right stuff includes drinking giant magical snake blood and eating a poisonous frog and then you will become a master ass-kicker or battle wizard as the title promises. This movie has been called the STAR WARS of martial arts films and I can see the comparison what with the laser fights and a familiar brother/sister angle in both and just an all-around big adventure feel but this one is much kookier. Hell, even that German poster up there looks a little STAR WARS-ish.
Kung fu fans should definitely check this one out to see what is probably the Shaw's strangest/craziest epic, or at least the craziest one I've seen so far.
Also released under the tile of PIGS and for some reason I used to always mix this one up with the Sissy Spacek movie PRIME CUT cuz I think there were some man-eating pigs in that one also although that may have just been a dream I had. This one doesn't have any big name stars but it definitely has some human-munching pigs used to dispose of bodies. Supposedly it took a bunch of years before this got an actual release which seems pretty ridiculous since there's way worse stuff out there.
It's the story of a slightly deranged fellow who runs a shitty diner and has a bunch of hungry pigs. He meets up with an even more screwy gal who has some daddy-issues after murdering her child-molesting rapey pop. The film has a pretty cool/sleazy TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE-vibe and you can't help but notice how well-endowed our leading lady is even though she unfortunately never actually gets topless.
There's a whole slew of alternate titles for this including DADDY'S GIRL, HORROR FARM, LYNN HART(what a boring title!), THE STRANGE EXORCISM OF LYNN HART, THE KILLER(nothing like the John Woo flick!), THE KILLERS, and my 2 personal favorites THE STRANGE LOVE EXORCIST and ROADSIDE TORTURE CHAMBER.
If you're a fan of filthy horror-rapper Necro you may have heard the theme song from this before:
That crippled guy from A CLOCKWORK ORANGE that tells Alex to "try the wine"(Patrick Magee) is featured here as a crazy-ass Christian preacher with an equally fanatical group of followers. The movie starts off with some over-the-top proselytizing while a very giallo-esque scene unfolds in which a gal gets snuffed. From there it focuses on this nutty old churchwoman and her son and totally drops the mystery aspects and becomes a story of religious nuts and killing in the name of Jesus. This whole thing is obviously a pretty big slap against religion which I'm surely in favor of but it might be a bit too British for it's own good. Also it focuses on people you don't really care very much about at all. A guy does get nailed to a cross and there are a few naked boobs so it's got that going for it. Probably worth a watch for angry atheists and it will certainly help them get all riled up about something. AKA THE FIEND(not to be confused with that silly Don Dohler FIEND monster movie)
Pretty cool opening baptism scene: