THE BEAST IN SPACE (1980)

                                                            "Uranus milk, please"

 The original movie THE BEAST, made 5 years before this bizzarro Italian sort-of sequel/more of a nutty rip-off, was a classic mash-up arthouse film and bestiality-infused sexploitation version of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. This one sets things in space and the beast of the title here is really only half a beast since it's a guy with horse legs and a human(less hairy but still fairly hairy since he's Italian after all) upper half. Just like the original though there's a giant beast penis that makes an appearance. Sadly the DVD I have of this, the unrated director's cut version, doesn't feature that appendage at all so I guess you need the XXX version to see all the naughty bits. The weirdest thing to me overall is that this was made after STAR WARS yet looks like something made in Italy from the 60s. Director Al Bradley(Alfonso Brescia) did do a few other sci-fi films before this that are more in the STAR WARS-rip-off camp including this WAR OF THE ROBOTS one which is also not all that great but at least this one has the weird sex stuff, an angry giant robot and the sheer audacity to try and follow-up THE BEAST to make it at least somewhat passable.

STONE (1974)

 So this Australian biker flick was made 5 years before MAD MAX and features a couple of actors from that timeless classic. This one is clearly less well known, especially here in America, but I think it deserves to be called a classic in its own right. The plot deals with a gang of Kawasaki riders named The Grave Diggers(one of the members is even named Bad Max(Jim Walsh) which foreshadows where Australian cinema would be heading a few years down the road) led by a dude name The Undertaker(Sandy Harbutt)(not to be confused with that big stupid pro wrestling character) who are getting picked off by an unknown sniper. Enter our title character, Stone(Ken Shorter), who's an undercover cop(who's clearly not very good at the "undercover" part of his job) sent to join the gang and find out who's knocking them off. The whole thing plays like ma sort of blue-print for the crazier Aussie vehicular-based action flicks to come. There are a few crazy stunts, a biker jumps off a cliff into the ocean, Stone takes a nasty spill off his bike etc. and things end up in a pretty bloody downer ending which makes seems fitting. The Nightrider(Vince Gil), Toecutter(Hugh Keays-Byrne) and even the Chief, Fifi(Roger Ward- complete with hair!), from MAX appear as members of the gang. This one makes me want to find more classic Aussie gems that I may have missed.



                                                                Japanese poster!:

Norwegian VHS!(which Google assures me translates to STONE- REVENGE OF THE MOTORCYCLE TIRE?):

THE SUCKLING (1990)

"All these guys want to do these days is shoot their load in your face. I guess everybody's got their problems."

 So a fetus gets ripped out of its mom at a combination whorehouse/cheap-shit abortion clinic using the classic coat-hanger method. From there it gets flushed down a toilet. Unlikely(or maybe luckily I guess if you're the fetus) someone has dumped a barrel of toxic waste down that particular sewer causing our poor little fetus to very rapidly grow into a vengeance seeking toothy monster that can somehow travel through tiny pipes. In case you haven't guessed it this is one of those Troma-inspired goofy-ass movies a la THE TOXIC AVENGER or CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH. But since it wasn't actually made by Troma studios it's actually pretty entertaining and never devolves into the total retardation levels of their later works. One negative aspect, of this film, besides the seemingly inevitable terrible acting, is the soundtrack which is reminiscent of John Carpenter suffering a stroke at his piano.  The monster suit and the gore fx are definitely highlights though they both could have been filmed a bit better. If you forgive the clearly low-budget this one makes for an entertaining watch. Also I think there might be an anti-abortion message in there but I doubt anyone watching this will take away anything very serious from it. AKA SEWAGE BABY

SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED (1974)

 Director Michael Findlay, who started out with all those roughie/sexploitation flicks in the 60s, blesses us with what seems to be a tale of a Yeti run amok that transforms into a Satanic cannibals deal before it all ends. Things start out with an unexplained decapitation which is a great way to start off your film. The Yeti suit looks pretty crappy but that actual works and mostly makes sense within the story. They never actually explain why anyone would believe a Yeti would be hanging out somewhere in New York where there is no snow but I guess some things have to remain a mystery.  The conclusion is a big swerve that you don't see coming (unless you read write ups like this one!) that really gives the movie a unique feel. Probably one of my favorite thing Findlay ever made.
 Sadly the "special edition" DVD I have of this removes the song POPCORN by Gershon Kingsley and replaces it with some really loud and aggressively awful video game-sounding garbage.  I guess that's still better than the old T.V. and video tape version which cut out all the bloody/gory scenes. AKA MUTILATED and rettitled for t.v. as SCREAM OF THE SNOWBEAST




This song makes any movie better!:

THE BRAIN (1988)

 For some reason I often mix this one up with THE BORROWER, I guess because they both have dull unmemorable 'B' titles. They are also both examples of dumb horror that became popular with the kids in the 80s and 90s. This one seems like someone wanted to make a movie where one of those Madballs toys was the monster and then wrote a ridiculous plot about t.v. controlling people and a giant Madball(or I guess "brain" in this case)  at the center of the whole conspiracy. The whole thing moves at a terrible pace and they drag things out so much that by the ending you really want everyone to stop running up and down stairs in what seems like an endless chase scene but if by some chance you like your horror extra dumb and you did enjoy THE BORROWER, or if you just have weird 80s/90s nostalgia,  I imagine this would make a good double-feature for ya.

ROBOTRIX (1991)

 Clearly influenced by THE TERMINATOR and ROBOCOP this one is a good amalgamation of a naughty Hong Kong category III flick and your more typical action flick/Hollywood rip-off. There's really only 2 especially naughty scenes where things devolve into bloody rape, this time perpetrated by a nasty android fellow doing his best imitation of an Asian Arnold Schwarzenegger. There is some other blood spillage here and there, some pretty nice boobs are on display(though main large-breasted gal Amy Yip manages to only reveal some side-boobage) and the stupid sci-fi explanation sort-of makes sense, though just barely.  Of course this thing being made in Hong Kong they throw in some ridiculous hijinks by the police for comedic purposes. If you can deal with that this delivers some good exploitation thrills. Known in Japan as BUSTROID which I think really sums things up nicely!

                                                         A very James Bond-ish poster!:

WHERE HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE GONE (1974)

 Pretty downbeat end of the world made-for-T.V. movie. This time it's the Sun to blame for resetting the clock on old Mother Earth by shooting out some people-disintegrating solar flares. Peter Graves, and his great voice, is our main survivor and the dad of a family left looking for their missing mom. Things don't work out all that well and you get a typically downer 70s ending though not as totally nihilistic as some of the theatrical sci-fi features around this time. I was too young to have ever seen this when it first played on television but apparently it upset a lot of young people that did catch it back in the day. So I guess if you're young and sensitive give it a look for some lasting/traumatizing memories.

                                            A.B.C. movie of the week!:

UNHINGED (1982)

 I've seen this 80s slasher twice now(once on DVD and once in an actual theater), why I watched it a second time I'm not entirely sure. I guess I forgot how crappy it was the first time. On my first viewing, because this was one of those notorious "video nasties" banned in England, and all that, I was expecting something a lot more gory and was disappointed on that level as there's a pretty low body count and not really much blood. The 2nd watch I went into with much lower expectations and even then I couldn't get past the extremely terrible acting, the annoying electronic keyboard soundtrack and the very dull slow-moving pace of everything. On the plus side there is some shower nudity and they throw you a twist ending. Might be more appealing to slasher fans who enjoy slowly built mood over bloodshed but I'm not sure how many of those there actually are.
 There is a 2017 made in England remake of this that I've never seen. I guess the original was more popular there?

DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS (1977)

 I've seen this tale of a demonic bed that eats people listed as surrealist horror. I think that might give too much credit to the filmmakers. It plays it straight, or at least as straight as you can play a movie about a people-chomping canopy bed, but then they throw in some clearly intentional comedic elements, like the carrot-chomping sounds the bed makes whenever it eats something or someone.
 Apparently this was filmed back in 1972, completed in '77 and then not officially released until 2003 when the director, George Barry, found out that bootlegs of his film were circulating and had a cult following, so he figured he's make a little money off of his only film by putting it out himself. Then comedian Patton Oswalt gave the film even more infamy by doing a whole bit about it on one of his stand-up albums.
 You get a pretty cool scene where a guy has his hands nibbled down to skeleton paws, a black lady who gets her legs chomped on but manages to escape the deadly bed and take up a really long time trying to drag her ass to safety before being lassoed back by an evil grabby sheet(DEATH LINEN? I smell a sequel!) and then some demonic exorcism nonsense to rap it all up. A bit stretched out for such a stupid concept but I do admire the idiocy of it all.
 There is a 2002 shot-on-video DEATHBED that Stuart Gordon produced that is sorta based on this but I've yet to catch that one.

MEAN DOG BLUES (1978)

 George Kennedy plays a badass warden who is in love with his ferocious doberman pinscher dog that he uses to hunt down and tear apart escapees in this 70s men-in-prison epic. Our main character(Gregg Henry) seems way too much of a pretty boy to be a very convincing tough guy but after being wrongfully thrown into a prison camp he has to learn how to deal with all kinds of not very friendly folks. Julio from SANFORD AND SON(Gregory Sierra) as a flamboyant gay prisoner is one of the few friends he makes. Scatman Crothers, as the unfortunately nick-named "Dog Nigger" Mudcat, has too small of a role and meets a grisly fate and Tina "Ginger from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" Louise gets about as naked as I've seen her in anything(really just some side-boob but I'll take what I can get). While I'm generally more of a fan of women-in-prison stuff from this era this one is still a pretty cool grimy little-known gem from American International Pictures that moves along at a brisk pace.