OPERA (1987)

Hard to believe that Dario Argento used to make movies as visually exciting as this. Everything works in this. You get gory blood-drenched murders done while heavy metal blasts your eardrums!, crazy-ass Hitchcockian birds ripping eyeballs out of heads, needles taped to eyes, an impromptu autopsy and all kinds of bat-shit insanity going on involving an opera house trying to put on a performance of MACBETH while someone with black leather gloves is getting stab-happy. The ideas even for the simplest killing(a shooting through a keyhole) are overflowing with artistic intent. Even if he can't afford to do the awesome shots that he pulls off in this if Dario put at least half as much thought into his newer stuff people would still be cheering him on instead of dreading his next film. AKA TERROR AT THE OPERA

EVIL (2005)

The only reason I even wanted to see this in the first place is because it's a Greek zombie film and I've never seen a Greek zombie film before.  Well now I hate Greek zombie films!  Everything from the bizarre weirdo techno/noise soundtrack (I put this on one night and couldn't even manage to sleep through it because of the unevenness of the volume) to the silly DEAD ALIVEesque gore scenes are pretty crappy.  It's sort of a lobotomized version of 28 DAYS LATER with really shit cgi and piss-poor practical f/x(rubber masks anyone?) and loads of running, running, running.  I know there are some cool Italian horror movies filmed in Greece(ANTHROPOPHAGOUS for one) but are there actually any good Greek made gore films?


and there's a sequel which looks just as awful:

KEYHOLES ARE FOR PEEPING (1972)

 An ultra-silly sexploitation comedy directed by the great Doris Wishman.  I'm not sure who directed the sex scenes but they seem a little too close to being hardcore for Doris to have done them.  Sammy Petrillo plays his usually annoying self toned down slightly from his heyday of impersonating Jerry Lewis.  Manuel the superintendent is the highlight of comedy relief.  Like many sexy movies of this time the actual sex scenes, unfortunately, just serve to grind everything to a complete halt and take up the majority of screen time.  Not Wishman's best but still work a look for a cheap laugh.

I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN (1957)

Not as much fun as I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF but a pretty typical 1950's monster flick nonetheless. It could use a little more action as the talky bits are a bit of a drag but like most 50's monster movies they keep the running time down to a little over 1 hour. Could use more teenagers and more Teen Frankenstein rampaging but an O.K. piece of illogically, nonsensical, nostalgia fluff complete with a monster lab and even an alligator body disposal system. They even throw in a color ending for added goofiness.

SHE DEVILS OF THE SS (1973)

                                                  "cleanliness is next to naziness"

Very strange nazisploitation flick made in Switzerland for the German market. The main reason that it seems so strange is because the nazis are seemingly the heroes in this and the Russians are the villians that German girls need to be rescued from. This differs from about 99% of every other movie in this genre. Features a cake decked out in swastikas and a great finale with naked nazi girls running bare-assed naked towards the camera. There's not really much in the way of violence and/or torture usually contained in these types of films, except for some crappy war scenes, it's mostly just worth a watch for the wall-to-wall nudity on display and the weirdness of all the sexual hi-jinks going on.

I can't find the trailer for this anywhere so here's one from SS HELL CAMP instead, which is a way more brutal film made in Italy:

DRUNKEN ANGEL (1948)

 What can you say about one of the greatest filmmakers of all time?  This is supposed to be the first film that Akira Kurosawa had total control of and it's an interesting look at humanity and two fairly opposite characters. One an alcoholic doctor who, besides for his addiction to drinking, lives a pretty moral and upstanding life and the other a gangster who comes down with tuberculosis.  It's great to see a young Toshiro Mifune playing the gangster role.  The Japanese countryside looks pretty miserable and considering this was made right after World War II I can imagine why that would be.  Not Kurosawa's best work, his samurai films are much better, but a good film to see for historical reasons. I also learned from this movie that Japanese chicks in the '40's had some crazy ass eyebrows.

BRAIN DAMAGE (1988)

 Frank Henenlotter's masterpiece is BASKET CASE but this is an amusingly demented follow up film. You get one the most bizarre monsters of the 80's voiced by old time horror host John Zacherle. The monster named Aylmer looks like a dick and of course there is a blowjob death scene(the most memorable scene in the movie) involving him. Silly, blood, gory & strange(we end up in a weird homo-erotic scene in a bath house for some reason) plus there's even a message(don't do drugs!). Check it out.

AFRICA ADDIO (1966)

This was a 1960's shockumentary from directors Jacopetti and Prosperi made after their big hit MONDO CANE. Fairly tame by comparison to more recent gross-out stuff like FACES OF DEATH, these early works have a much more artsy style and are actually filmed pretty beautifully for a genre that would morph into the gutter of depravity it became in the 1980's. We see real human executions and tons of animal slayings on display. Surprisingly the animal killings are the ones that linger in my mind most of all and seem the most senseless. Stay away if that kind of thing bothers you but for a view into the inhumanity of the human species towards nature and each other these documents do serve a purpose. There are a few different versions of this floating around. The AFRICA: BLOOD AND GUTS cut is much shorter and contains only the most violent shots, which comes off as pretty pointless and the original Italian language print is longer with some more animal violence and supposedly a more racist commentary.

LET MY PUPPETS COME (1976)

Definitely a one of a kind feature that could only have been made back in the 70's when porno films were at their peak of insane depravity. You get puppet fucking, puppet bestiality, bad puppet comedy skits, strange puppet blow-jobs, some real nudity and a few actors from the sleazoid classic BLOODSUCKING FREAKS even show up including Ralphus the midget. Director Gerard Damiano and Al Goldstein also pop up in cameos. The closest thing it can be compared to is Peter Jackson's MEET THE FEEBLES but with explicit puppet penetration. I can't imagine the poor idiot that tried to jerk off to any of this in a porn theater back in the day.

Here's a puppet blowing Al Goldstein plus Natasha D'Natalie from BLOODSUCKING FREAKS chasing away skunky cunt, two of the truly greatest moments in cinema history:

FRIDAY THE 13th (1980)

What can you say about this one? The one that started the whole stupid series. Doesn't work as a mystery at all since we never even meet the killer until the very end but it does set the template for a whole load of maniac-slasher-in-the-woods movies to follow. This one works better than any of the sequels(and certainly better than the ass-backwards remake) in at least keeping one foot in reality. Betsy Palmer does an awesome job as a kooky nutty lady and Jason doesn't even exist outside of a dream sequence. Kevin Bacon's greatest role? Could be.

MARQUIS DE SADE'S JUSTINE (1969)

An over long meditation on the positives and negatives of living a life of selfless virtue and purity versus a materialistic life of corruption and crime played out by two sisters of opposite temperament. Klaus Kinski is kind of wasted since we never even get to hear his lovely German voice. Jack Palance does some bizarre line readings reminiscent of William Shatner on some type of strong medication. I think the final message is supposed to support the idea of being forthright and honest but if not for the greedy selfishness displayed by the more evil sister I don't see how innocence would be rewarded in any way. It is also possible that I misinterpreted the message.  Overall an O. K. Jess Franco film but I think that a shorter version might have conveyed the message in a better fashion.

                                                 Spanky time in 4K!:

FRIDAY THE 13th PART V: A NEW BEGINNING (1985)

FRIDAY THE 13th PART 4:THE FINAL CHAPTER would have probably been a great way to end the adventures of Jason Voorhees on a fairly high note. So this sequel seems like a bad idea right from the start. Back when I was a teen I used to hate this one for the fake Jason and the absurdly bad acting and the way they just kind of make a mockery of anything that was even remotely serious about the first 4 films in this series. Now I find the dipshit insane performances, the nonsensical plot and the idea that someone can just pretend to be Jason and then somehow obtain his superhuman powers to be the selling points. Add in some embarrassingly badly portrayed rednecks and 1950's greaser stereotype characters and how can you go wrong? Also when you compare it to the shitty sequels that followed in this franchise and the retard-o remake this one looks fantastic. Stick a flare in your mouth and enjoy the ride.

THE GRAPES OF DEATH (1978)

Jean Rollin has made some of the most boring movies ever (ZOMBIE LAKE anyone?), so it's not very surprising that what you get here is another one of the most boring, slowest moving zombie movies ever made. I expect zombies to be slow but why does even the heroine wanders around so friggin' slowly?  I use the term "zombies' very loosely as well, since they're more like the crazy nutsos from George Romero's THE CRAZIES in all actuality. There are 3 good gore scenes on display here but besides that there's nothing but very slow-paced boredom to entice the viewer. You get a decapitation, a crucifixion and a pitchforking which I guess is better than nothing but only slightly.

Don't drink the wine!: