INSIDE (2007)

  One of the better examples from the wave of gross French horror films that came out of the early 2000s. This one deals with a very determined lady who just really wants to be a mom and is not above mass murder to accomplish this. It's also a story of revenge but it's hard to get into all of that without spoiling everything. Lots of scissor violence, babies in peril, gun-fu and even knitting-needle-fu that gets the blood flowing copiously. There is a ridiculousness to things though when our killer starts acting like some kind of ninja halfway through the movie and our main victim takes enough punishment to have killed her 20 times and keeps getting up for more punishment but if you can suspend your disbelief enough it's a wild ride. It's too bad these films seem to have stopped being produced(or at least being brought over to America so I can see them) about 15 years ago or so. It was a decent run while it lasted. MARTYRS is still the top(and most extreme) one in my book but if you can handle the gore quotient give this one a look also.

 There was a 2016 English-language remake of this which is apparently a watered-down version of the original and seems especially pointless.

ORLOFF AGAINST THE INVISIBLE MAN (1970)

 

 In Jess Franco's original AWFUL DR. ORLOFF, way back in 1962, the doctor(Howard Vernon) is involved in grafting a new beautiful face on his disfigured daughter. In this sort-of sequel, not directed by Franco, but by this French dude, Pierre Chevalier, who ended his career with the amazing PANTHER SQUAD, Mr. Vernon returns but now he's obsessed with making an invisible man(or in this case an invisible ape-man!). I guess Orloff is just a master of all fields of science! 

 This film is generally pretty slow and dull but there is a great deal of nudity on show if you watch the correct uncut version. Watch it only if you really want to see a killer invisible ape on the loose(which I assume is a weird callback to Poe's PHANTOM OF THE RUE MORGUE). AKA DR. ORLOFF'S INVISIBLE MONSTER

 The VHS release of this was re-titled THE INVISIBLE DEAD though it's not a zombie movie at all!:

This sweet double-bill teams our Invisible Man up with a pretty obscure Eurotrash Mummy film!: 

DR. ORLOFF'S MONSTER (1964)

 This one is kind of a crappier version of director Jess Franco's earlier THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF due mainly to the fact that it features a similar shambling robotic monster(instead of Morpho, this time he's called Andros). The plot here deals with Professor Jekyll(the original title was THE MISTRESSES OF DR. JEKYLL) killing his brother who was sleeping with his wife. Now instead of turning into some type of Mr. Hyde-like creature he just brings his brother back as the fore-mentioned Andros and sends him out to kill showgirls and strippers. Why exactly he does this I wasn't too sure of, but hey whatever floats your boat. There's a shocking amount of nudity here for 1964 that probably didn't make it to all that many countries that this played in. Franco himself shows up in a small part playing a piano. This is made a sequel to the first ORLOFF film by telling us the doctor, who came up with this way of reanimating corpses and turning them into zombified robot-killers(and who dies within the first few minutes of the film) is Dr. Orloff even though he bears no resemblance to Howard Vernon. Not essential viewing unless you're a Franco nut like myself. AKA BRIDES OF DR. JEKYLL, THE SECRET OF DR. ORLOFF and DR. JEKYLL'S MISTRESSES

Definitely more Frankenstein-like than Jekyll-ish!:

  

DARIO ARGENTO'S DRACULA (2012)

 Classic Italian director Dario Argebnto's last film and sadly his worst! It took me a few attempts to make it through this cgi-filled crapfest. Perhaps if this was made back in the 70s or 80s it wouldn't be so awful. There are some gory bits and some nice boobs on our vampire chick but of course everything is filmed so terribly it's hard to care. This is extra depressing considering the things Argento has done in the past. How a director could go from the visual style of something like SUSPIRIA to this flat-looking(if I didn't know any better I woulda sworn this was shot for Italian T.V. or something) garbage is beyond me. Also I have to note that there's a stupid giant praying mantis in this that Dracula decides to turn himself into. I think it's mandated by law that if you talk about this film that is the dumb thing that you're supposed to solely focus on. 

 Released in 3D under the title DRACULA 3D back when everything was coming out in 3D versions. I doubt the extra dimension helps much. As usual stick with the classics unless you really need to see everything done by once-great horror personalities. 

CANNIBAL TERROR (1980)

 So rumour has it that this was directed by Jess Franco under the pseudonym A.W. Steeve. Apparently the truth is Steeve is actually a French director named Alain Deruelle who worked with Franco at times(co-directed JAILHOUSE WARDRESS from 1979) so this thing plays like a sub-par Franco cannibal flick if such a thing is imaginable. The plot deals with a couple of knuckleheaded thieves who decide to kidnap a little girl and hold her for ransom. Things eventually get too hot so they flee to a safehouse that just so happens to be located right next to cannibal country(which in this case seems to be in the countryside of Spain?). There's a rape scene, gratuitous bathtub nudity and one big gross-out gut-munching moment but for the most part these cannibals are just used as background characters. Also these might be the most European-looking cannibals ever used on screen with some of them barely having a tan and just some paint on their faces making them resemble Toucans for some reason. As far as cannibal flicks go this isn't a very good example of one but it has peaked my interest in Deruelle's filmography since I don't think I've seen any of his other films and with titles like RAGE PORNO I'm not sure I can just pass those up.

TWO ORPHAN VAMPIRES (1997)

 I coulda sworn I'd seen this movie before. I even mentioned it when writing about director Jean Rollin's vaguely similar CAGED VIRGINS way back in 2012 where I stated that this was a better version of one of his vampire flicks. Well I was clearly thinking about something else because after watching this last night I have no recollection of an earlier viewing and sadly this turned out to actually be a way worse example of his bloodsucking-chick opuses. I will give the film some points for having a few unique points for making our titular vamps blind during the day and it does get deeply philosophical about life from time to time in a pretentious art-flick-kind of way. Unfortunately it never ascends to anything other than a clunky journey of two sad murderous gals which is something I may have appreciated more in my goth youth. The dubbing also does not help in conveying anything serious. There are some pretty unintentionally silly dialogue bits by a werewolf-lady character, a corpse-eating lady ghoul, an older winged vampire lady and pretty much everyone that shows up including 70s porn star and Rollins regular Brigette Lahaie in a brief appearance. I can't help but think that if Jess Franco had made this it would have been wall-to-wall sex scenes with a large helping of lesbianism thrown in which are all things that this film sorely lacks. In fact the nudity here is solely confined to one brief flash and a little blood-being licked off our orphans naked bodies and the rest is all maudlin navel-gazing.
 I do own a few more later-period Rollins movies on DVD to get through which I am dreading a bit since clearly his high-points lay in his 70s and 80s output.

VINYAN (2008)

 While I was expecting more of a CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST-type of a situation with this movie what you actually get is not quite that but an almost equally downbeat sort-of a movie experience. This French/Belgian/Australian/English film deals with a couple of parents who are searching for their lost child and end up in Burma dealing with all kinds of rip-off artists and scumbags in their journey. It's a totally somber view and not something to put on if you want to be in any sort of happy mood (and most likely even more of a downer if you actually do have kids, unlike myself). While I'm not sure if this qualifies as a true horror film or just a really intense drama and I'm also not sure if I would even recommend this to anyone it is better made and more interesting than pretty much any modern horror that's been made in the U.S. in the last 20 years. Also it does deliver on it's cannibals in the jungle premise so I wasn't mislead. I guess ultimately this feels too drama heavy for gore fans and too gory for people who enjoy made-for-Lifetime dramas so I guess it will appeal to that slim group that just wants to see something different. Just don't expect to feel very jolly afterwards.

THE EVIL WEEKENDS OF COUNT ZAROFF (1976)

 This movie starts out like it's gonna be another MOST DANGEROUS GAME-clone but then turns into something else. It's the story of this very disturbed creep who's obsessed with this dead chick and kills a few folks throughout the film. At least I think he kills these people since much of this movie could possibly just be taking place in his mind. Technically this is a sequel to the original MOST DANGEROUS GAME as the Count Zaroff here is a descendant of the one in that film. It seems like a weird choice to make a Eurotrash sequel full of naked ladies to a classic American film, but OK. Howard Vernon is pretty good as the almost equally maniacal servant of Zaroff. The whole thing reminds me very much of a Jess Franco flick and is decent enough although by the end things start to drag along and get drawn out pretty badly.
 Supposedly this was banned in France but I can't really imagine why unless there's some rule against portraying a crazy person there since it's not really all that super graphically violent or anything. AKA SEVEN WOMEN FOR SATAN


This chick here pretty much deserves to die for not being smart enough to run behind a tree:

LIPS OF BLOOD (1975)

 Jean Rollin churned out a whole bunch of these sexy French female vampire flicks. This one I would say is about average for him. It has the dream-like pacing where Rollin is seemingly in no hurry to tell his story. It has ample nudity from all the vamp-chicks, it has ridiculous neck-biting scenes and equally absurd stakes through the heart scenes. It would be easy to dismiss this except that it's all done so fucking poetically and artistically that it burns it's memory into my brain. Of course that memory is also jumbled up with all the other Rollin nudie-vampire movies but it's still there.
 The plot, which doesn't really seem to be all that important(it's all about the atmosphere), has to do with a guy who's trying to find this gal who was nice to him when he was young. He ends up running around Paris and unleashing some blood-sucking naked ladies. There's one part where he stops off to watch a theatrical-showing of Rollin's earlier THE SHIVER OF THE VAMPIRES, even though the poster outside advertises his THE NUDE VAMPIRE. I haven't seen either of these yet but they both look delightful.
 There's apparently an X-rated version of this titled SUCK ME, VAMPIRE which seems pretty nutty.

DEMONIACS (1974)

 Not to be confused with Jess Franco's DEMONIAC this is a Jean Rollin-directed tale of a couple of young gals who get raped and killed by a gang of ship-wrecking pirates. After being beaten to death our victims go on to come back as ghostly apparitions of some sort who then go on to gain some supernatural powers thanks to a lady-clown and some hippie guy on an island who introduce them to a helpful and handsome demon who imbues his powers by getting bare-assed naked and humping away. These powers include some CARRIE-like telekinesis.
 Basically what you get here is a sort-of  ghostly/surrealistic rape/revenge flick. Rollin fills it with some weird imagery, strange clunky acting choices and a very artsy ending. As usual in his Eurotrash epics there's plenty of nakedness and dream-like pacing. For hardcore Eurosleaze-lovers only. AKA CURSE OF THE LIVING DEAD(not to be confused with the re-titled version of Mario Bava's KILL, BABY, KILL)


                                                 

                                                   VHS goodness!:

FASCINATION (1979)

 Another Jean Rollin-directed Eurotrashy vampirish nightmare film.  This one is really almost a vampire movie since our "villains" don't have any magical powers and are actually just rich lady blood fetishists.  Starring Brigitte Lahaie, who also did awesomely titled porn films like HITCHHIKERS IN HEAT and looks very cute here in some iconic sickle wielding murder scenes, this is worth checking out for fans of Rollins' dream-like horror tales or just some slightly artsy lesbian antics with some blood thrown in.  The one thing that sorta brings it down a little is the fx which consist mostly of just little smears of blood to signify gaping wounds which would probably piss off gore fans but for people who can appreciate more than that this it's worth a look.

DUNGEON OF VIRGINS (1973)

 This French Jean Rollin horror flick starts off with two lady clowns and some dude escaping from what I'm guessing is the law.  The whole thing starts right out in the middle of the action without giving you any back-story and from there it unexpectedly becomes a vampire movie when the two young women(their friend was shot and killed) end up at an old dungeon in the middle of nowhere.  There's whipping, bondage, blood drinking(of course), lesbian antics and plenty of female nudity to ogle and the main vampire fellow sorta reminds me of Udo Kier from BLOOD FOR DRACULA because they both seem kind of pathetic and feeble.  It's wrapped up in a non-ending of an ending.
 As with most of these Rollin-directed films the creepy atmosphere is the main draw even above the story.  He's made better vamp movies including TWO ORPHAN VAMPIRES but this one is similar enough and recommended for hardcore Eurotrash aficionados.
 The VHS tape I have of this calls it CAGED VIRGINS on the box but the film has the DUNGEON  screen-card.  There are a whole slew of other aliases including VIRGINS AND VAMPIRES and DUNGEON OF TERROR but I think the most common one is REQUIEM FOR A VAMPIRE.

OGROFF (1983)

 OGROFF (A.K.A. MAD MUTILATOR) has got to be one the oddest things I've ever sat through.  What starts out as a really cheap slasher movie (even cheaper than the VIOLENT SHIT series which is the closest thing I would compare it to) warps into a zombie flick about three quarters of the way through and then ends it all off with some unexpected vampire hi-jinks.  The FX are amazingly low-budget.  They include extremely unrealistic Styrofoam dummy heads being hacked off and smashed and intestines being pulled right out of shirts.  There's  almost no dialogue for 95 percent of the runtime (which is a good thing since the copy I have of this is in French) so it all feels like some bizarre silent gore/art flick made on another planet or maybe just the nightmare of a retarded Fangoria reader.          
 Our title character is a Leatherface wannabe who rides an old shitty bicycle (until he upgrades to a nifty motorcycle) and starts the film out with a bang by killing a little kid and chopping him up right in front of his mum.  Somewhere around the 50 minute mark Ogroff amazingly manages to get himself a girlfriend who wears very tight stripey pants.  Because really who wouldn't fall for a cannibalistic, psychopath who lives in a shed full of entrails in the woods and masturbates using his trusty battle-ax?  From there we find out Ogroff has some pet zombies that he keeps in the basement.  Then a zombie apocalypse happens and finally and unexpectedly (like just about everything else that happens in this) Howard Vernon shows up as a vampire priest.  How the hell they got Vernon to appear in this is anyone's guess!
 I think what I love most about this movie is the insane chaotic feel it has where anything can happen at anytime.  There's chainsaw-fu, battleaxe-fu, knife-fu.  Heads roll, legs and arms roll, tongues roll, pretty much everything rolls at some point.  A must watch for gore-hounds who don't mind a zero dollar budget and blatant in-your-face weirdness.

THE LIVING DEAD GIRL (1982)

 Most people of a certain age probably know this as a Rob Zombie song but before it was that it was a French Jean Rollin zombie flick.  Rollin, who was sort of the French version of Jess Franco, took his stab at the living dead genre here and came up with something pretty unique and like most all of his films it incorporates that dreamlike quality that gives it that supernatural feel.
 It seems that some folks decide to dump chemical waste barrels right next to a corpse-filled catacombs and  during an earthquake our title character springs back to life.  She's a pretty strange example of a zombie since she mainly just pokes people in the neck with her long fingernails and drinks their blood (one dude even gets the ol' Moe Howard eye-gouge special!)  There is also some flesh-munching if you enjoy that sort of thing.  None of these people return to form an army of the undead as usually happens in these types of films and instead our zombie gal gets an old friend to help her get victims to snack on.  While some people might find the pace a little weird in Rollins films this one moves along pretty well and there's plenty of gore and ample euro-nudity on display throughout which helps.
 There was an extra gory French semi-sequel in '87 called REVENGE OF THE LIVING DEAD GIRLS but I don't recall it being very good besides the gore-content.

This is more of a collection of death scenes than any sort of an actual trailer:

BLOODY CHRISTMAS (1999)

A stupid but amusing short French flick about a Christmas tree gaining sentience and seeking revenge on an unlucky fellow.  It's all in French but that doesn't matter because you would have to be a complete imbecilic moron to not understand this movie.  There's a sequel out there also.  There's also a similar but way better and way gorier Canadian short film called TREEVENGE about chopped-down Christmas trees getting their vengeance that may have been influenced by this.  You should definitely check that one out if you dig this at all.


"Bloody Christmas" by silviasegarra

INSIDE (2007)

Part of the French new wave of extreme horror flicks, along with stuff like MARTYRS and HIGH TENSION,  this film is really just a showcase of extremely violent and gory set-pieces but it's also very enjoyable for what it is.  Unlike many gore for gore's sake-type films this one is set up well enough that you actually care about the main character who happens to be a pregnant woman.  Her natural vulnerability in that state is used well to garner sympathy from the audience and pull us, as the viewers, into the ordeal on display.  You can tell this isn't a modern American film because of the levels that the violence delves into.  It's just not the type of film that you will find playing at a multiplex in the U.S. anytime soon.  Comparing this to MARTYRS, as I have heard some people do, is kind of a joke, I mean this movie really doesn't have any deep or significant meaning at all and doesn't leave you with much to think about after it's over.  Sort of like an action movie with brutality thrown in.  Regardless of the fact that the plot is extremely simplistic I find all the gore-hound elements too hard to resist and would recommend this to anyone with a strong stomach although I imagine if you're pregnant or have ever had kids this would probably be a good one to skip.  

AMER (2009)

The filmmakers call this an homage to Italian giallo movies of the 70's, I call it a boring student art film stretched out way longer than necessary or humanly tolerable.  If you took an actual genuine Argento or Bava horror movie from the 70's stripped away the plot, characters and most of the dialogue, what do you have left?  This thing right here.  Close to being one of the worst things I have ever seen,  I wouldn't even realistically call this a movie as the whole thing plays out like one long perfume commercial or maybe a trailer for a real movie.  The two positive things I can say are that the imagery at times was cool to look at (despite the annoying quick cuts) and the music was cool.  Of course the music was lifted from other much better movies and the images are imitations of those same types of films.  Even if you love giallo flicks avoid this one at all costs unless you happen to be a pretentious art fag douche-bag and then perhaps this would be the perfect mental masturbation material for you.

PARIS BY NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (2009)

It's never good when the best thing you can say about a movie is that it's short.  This thankfully short French zombie film looks a lot more like RESIDENT EVIL to me than it does NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and that's not a good thing. Also like most modern zombie related things it's a completely brainless excuse for a bunch of unrealistic action sequences. Not very classic-Romero like at all! I guess this would appeal to people who play a lot of video games since it plays out like one of those. Come on France! I thought you were more intellectual than this.

This isn't in English but it doesn't matter at all:

THE GRAPES OF DEATH (1978)

Jean Rollin has made some of the most boring movies ever (ZOMBIE LAKE anyone?), so it's not very surprising that what you get here is another one of the most boring, slowest moving zombie movies ever made. I expect zombies to be slow but why does even the heroine wanders around so friggin' slowly?  I use the term "zombies' very loosely as well, since they're more like the crazy nutsos from George Romero's THE CRAZIES in all actuality. There are 3 good gore scenes on display here but besides that there's nothing but very slow-paced boredom to entice the viewer. You get a decapitation, a crucifixion and a pitchforking which I guess is better than nothing but only slightly.

Don't drink the wine!:

MARTYRS (2008)

I heard a lot about this movie, both good and bad, before finally seeing it. I was somehow able to avoid all the spoilers out there and I'm glad I did. MARTYRS is a great and memorable horror movie. Seeing it without knowing too much about it is the way to go. I can see where the "endurance test" nature of the film will be too much for many people. Reading some of the negative reviews I see that people who can't take the grueling nature of certain scenes turn into the biggest nit-picky assholes there are. I've read reviews where the movie is called boring and grotesquely offensive at the same time. I'm not sure how someone can be disgusted and bored all at once but if someone can't relate to this film on a deeper level than that I have no desire to think like them. This film works on a deeper level than the torture-porn films like SAW & HOSTEL that it's being compared to. Most of the reviews I have read just list the story components. For such a multi-level constructed film that seems like the lamest way to review it possible. So far it's my fav out of all the nuevo-French movies that started off with HAUTE TENSION. I'm not sure it can be topped by them but I'll be looking forward to other new French horror stuff. This director is supposed to be doing the HELLRAISER remake. That might actually be something worthwhile unlike every other remake of the last 10 to 15 years.