SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984)

OK, here's my late X-Mas entry. This film is ridiculous, but in that purely exploitation way that I personally love. What happens in the film doesn't make sense in any kinda real-world logical way but that doesn't take away from the entertainment aspect for me. Little Billy sees his parents murdered by a guy dressed as Santa so by the logic of this film he grows up to become a kooky nutso guy who freaks out at the site of Santa. That part would actually make sense, it's the next part where he's forced to play Santa by his boss and flips out and becomes a holiday-themed Michael Myers/Jason Voorhees that turn up the wacky factor. Of course it's not just the plot that makes one scratch his head at the wonderful goofiness of it all. There's crazy old grandpa who gives one of the best speeches on Santa ever and that amazing montage when Billy gets his job at the toy store that just screams 1980's cheesiness. As a bonus you get to see Linnea Quigley's perky little boobs and lots of little kids being traumatized. I remember watching Siskel & Ebert trash this movie back when it first came out for being mean-spirited and anti-female. Comparing it to those torture flicks that are around today this thing looks pretty quaint in retrospect. Of course that's just my jaded opinion. Oh yeah and PART 2 is even better and, if you can believe it, more wacky. Just remember kids "punishment is good!".

SEVEN NOTES IN BLACK (1977)

Lucio Fulci made a couple of amazing movies in his career. Unfortunately those were only a couple of movies in the 80's and now he's worshipped by a lot of people like he invented gore or something. SEVEN NOTES IN BLACK, which is probably better known as THE PSYCHIC, is not one of those amazing ones. It starts off with a suicide diving mannequin who rips off her dummy face on the jagged rocks. Even though the effect is pretty laughable It's still a cool scene and it probably woulda been cooler if I hadn't already seen it in Fulci's DON'T TORTURE A DUCKLING, which just reminded me that I'd rather be watching that movie. Anyway that's followed by a bunch of talk and nothing really exciting happening and that's where I drift off and think about how many better giallo-type of movies there are out there. Fulci knew how to shoot ridiculous over-the-top gore movies. Minus that there's not a whole lot there to keep my attention. On the plus side the Goblin music is kinda cool, as usual, in that EXORCISTY/OMENESQUE way.

 

THE TEXAS VIBRATOR MASSACRE (2008)

Starting off with a bang. I didn't pay for this. Does anyone actually pay for porn anymore? I mean anyone with a computer that is? Does gore and porn mix? Does anyone actually find Leatherface to be a turn-on? I suppose for every perverted idea out there you can find some sick pervert who will see your idea and raise you one on the perv-o-meter. Personally as far as porno flicks go I'm the kinda guy who thinks that anything made after the 70's heyday is pretty pointless to watch unless used for the obvious self-abuse purpose. Of course if I'm gonna be abusing myself, sitting down to watch a whole 90 minute production is overkill and not my preferred visual stimuli. The plot of this hybrid comes to a screeching halt at every monotonous sex scene and on the flip side any sexy feelings one might be able to stir up come to an end with the splatter scenes. I do like the flies buzzing around the asses and the grindhousey specks they put on the video for atmosphere. I especially like the scene where the couple just runs away from their van and leaves it for the killer. That was very nice of them. Can't say I didn't find it amusing. There are tons of worse adult-like films you could experience and who knew that Herschel Savage was still in porn? Would I watch PORN OF THE DEAD? Sure, why not? Sex and violence all wrapped up in one little porn-valley package. This quote kinda sums it all up- "I can smell the chlamydia from here"- Yes, I'm sure we all can.

Well I guess my mission is to review my crappy video collection. Yeah that's it. I'm gonna review my crappy videos and you're gonna like it. Or maybe not...