MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)

 If you're gonna do a remake of anything do something different. Remaking MY BLOODY VALENTINE in 3D is an idea I can get behind. 3D is just cheesy enough to make anything a little bit better. The effect works really good here too, which is a plus. I remember seeing METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN back in the 80's with the old style red/blue glasses and that worked OK but this blows it away. But similar to METALSTORM the actual movie is pretty dumb. The ending scenes seem to have been stolen from some SCOOBY-DOO episode and, having watched many episodes of SCOOBY as a kid, I knew exactly how it was gonna turn out, even with all the stupid attempts to switch who the suspected killer is. Now when are they gonna start making virtual reality movies? I wanna feel like I'm in the next remake of this running away from old Harry the crazy-miner just like my life depended on it. As a great big added bonus we get to see some nudity with our slashings. Finally, I was starting to think Hollywood had banned the showing of boobs or something.

ISLE OF THE DAMNED (2008)

Wow, this is a new cannibal flick made in Baltimore(I love how stupid people are fooled into believing it's from the 80's and Italy though, dumb asses!). I caught this at a special showing in the back of a restaurant. I've often thought that cannibal films and fine dining should be brought together and finally it was, for one night anyway. I found the movie delightfully entertaining. A true gourmet treat for fans of those old silly 80's cannibal flicks. Most of my friends didn't get the joke. It's a spoof. Cannibal movies aren't some sacred untouchable film style that's above being ridiculed. For the most part they're all pretty silly anyway despite the pretentiousness of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. You got castrations, multiple rapes, body parts & heads lopped off and of course cannibalism amongst other gory sights. The only thing missing is the animal killings which I think is a good thing although there is some rabbit fucking to watch out for. Overall, a good time if you can deal with the low-budget and silliness of it all. Wanna check out director Mark Colegroves other flick PLEASURES OF THE DAMNED if I can find it anywhere.

BUFFALO '66 (1998)

This one is definitely in my top ten somewhere, maybe even top 5. My first love is horror and/or exploitation movies. This isn't either one of those. A great movie is a great movie though regardless of what genre or category you want to stick it into or label yourself a fan of. Personally I hate most labels when it comes to art. Fortunately most horror films are very far from works of art. Anyway the selling point of this movie is Vincent Gallo's character of Billy Brown. You love Billy Brown because of the shitty life he's had. You relate to the character because he feels real. Sometimes the feelings he portrays strike pretty close to the ones we've all felt after being screwed over or fucked with by people in our lives. I say we've all felt these but I guess I should disqualify the type of people who hate this movie. Those people obviously have no depth anyway or at least not a depth that comes with acknowledging the harshness of reality. I suppose there are people that just hate Vincent Gallo. If that's the case then don't even attempt watching this. It's all his show and that works fine for me. Christina Ricci is also great in this although personally I prefer her with dark hair. Being a fan of the classic 1970's unhappy ending, I'm always suspicious of the happy cop out ending that Hollywood reverts to for most of their garbage mainstream movies. This is one of the few movies where it doesn't feel like a cop out but a natural extension of the characters development. We get a glimpse of the potential nihilistic consequences anyhow and that doesn't seem to be the place to end it all. Because as horrible of a person we might find Billy Brown to be in certain aspects we see ourselves in him. Or at least I do. Now I gotta go find that BROWN BUNNY movie and watch Vinnie G get a blowjob.

CATHY'S CURSE (1977)

OK, this is a French movie made in Canada. Basically it's a ridiculous rip-off of THE EXORCIST. The little girl isn't possessed by Satan though just a ghost. So I guess that would kinda make it a rip-off of POLTERGEIST too if that movie was made first that is. As it is it's great for a laugh though. I also smell a little OMEN influence. See a little girl kill people with her evil little rag-doll. See her hang out with her pervy old babysitter drunk grandpa and call this woman a fat cow and a dried up whore. Oh yeah some great scenes of hilarity in this one. I love when cute little girls curse out old people. I guess it's a good thing I'm not the parent of one. So to sum it up I bought this movie for 33 cents and it was worth every penny. Oh yeah and always remember little girls "you're mother's a bitch". Words of wisdom there.

                                               Known in Italy as DAMNED SPELL:

HITCH HIKE (1977)

 Besides LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT this is my fav David Hess movie and besides some of the spaghetti-westerns he's done this is my fav Franco Nero flick. The team-up of these 2 cult stars works great. Clorinne Clery as Franco's wife also does a great job and is naked most of the time which makes for nice scenery. Hess has mentioned in interviews that he was planning on doing more films with director Campanile right before he died. It's really a shame that never happened. So, if ya think it would be groovy to see Hess doing his LAST HOUSE shtick in a well-made Italian thriller this would be the one to check out. Of course this, along with HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK, are the big 3 movies of Hess' career. Franco plays a character pretty dissimilar from most of the ones I've seen him do. He's a bitter married drunk and I find his portrayal very humorous. In fact the more times I watch it the more comedic elements I find, although maybe those are unintentional. It's probably due to director Pasquale's usual forays in silly sex comedies. It's really too bad he didn't make more movies like this.

THX 1138 (1971)

In the end humanity wins out. Sorry for spoiling that for you. What does humanity win though? Watching a sunrise? It's the little things we miss most of all when they're gone. Maybe I'm just putting my own philosophy up over the one presented in the movie but I think that's why I like this movie so much. It doesn't have a strict message. I mean it does argue against the inhumanity of technology. Kind of an ironic argument when you think about the fact that Mr. Lucas is largely responsible for the soulless unimaginative inhuman look of modern movies. Watching this director's cut I was saddened by the inclusion of some very STAR WARSY type of effects added in. They're fleeting but they're there and they stand out so much. This isn't STAR WARS. It's as far as you can get from that movie and still be sci-fi. When I was a kid I would've hated this movie as an adult I know the ideas it's trying to portray. What destroys the spark in someone like George Lucas? Is it age or greed or just a complacency that comes with success? Maybe just a combination of those. Is it just "A love story filmed on location in the 21st century" or does it mean more? Maybe it's just a bunch of future stars ascending to greater monetary success but I see it as a high point in many ways.

DAMIEN: OMEN II (1978)

See a man cut in half! I hadn't watched this one in quite a long time. The 1st movie is, of course, the classic that we all know it to be. This sequel isn't bad though and it keeps ya entertained even if it doesn't really have an ending and just basically sets up part 3. It also plays sorta like a slasher movie with supernatural elements which gives it good marks in my book. Now part 3 I do remember as being pretty bad but I haven't watched that in a long stretch either. So if you wanna see a rehashed version of the original OMEN check this out. It's better than the pointless remake although I do remember liking Mia Farrow in her role as the Satanic nanny. Maybe I just like the whole OMEN-thing enough to give these crappier versions a pass.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984)

Murderous rapist puppet!!? Yes. Chester N. Turner, king of 1980's underground black exploitation movies? Could be. Wow, this thing has production values that would embarrass porno producers. The music is straight from an old 80's Casio keyboard. There's plenty to hate about this thing but you get to see a religious black woman raped and degraded by an ugly dread locked puppet!! The bizarreness factor just overwhelms anything negative I can say and at 70 minutes it's just long enough to not start getting boring. This really needs to be seen to be believed. I know there's a remake/sequel of this coming out soon which from the trailer actually looks like it might even be more bizarre than the original if that's possible. Can't wait for that one.

The opening credits on the other hand are just freakin' absurd. They take almost 7 minutes for chrissakes!! Watch if you dare:

DJANGO STRIKES AGAIN (1987)

DJANGO was a classic western starring Franco Nero. So, being that it was made in Italy, a gazillion rip-off's and unofficial sequels followed. Finally, 20 years later, this official sequel comes. My main problem with this is that it's not a western. While it could have been a good idea to put the character in a different setting, I don't think it works in this. Django is basically turned into Rambo in this. Just take a look at that silly depiction of Nero with the rippling muscly arms up there. The whole thing just comes off as a typical 80's action flick. Being more of a fan of spaghetti-westerns than 80's muscle-head action flicks I suppose I was bound to be disappointed. They even have him spouting off those cliched one-liners while killing bad guys. Ugh! Avoid this and watch the original. DJANGO KILL is a good movie too and features a gang of gay cowboys. Yeah, I should really watch that one next.