CUTTING CLASS (1989)

 This one is down there near the bottom of the barrel when it comes to 80's slasher flicks. It's floating just above those shot on video turds. Basically what you get here is the show SAVED BY THE BELL remolded into a slasher film starring a very young Brad Pitt doing a drunken obnoxious Zack Morris impression. What makes it an especially shitty entry in this genre is the really boring kill scenes which include only a tiny amount of blood, just about no nudity(and the lead actress/final girl is very cute, it's too bad all we get is real quick flashes and peaks at her panties) and a very shitty soundtrack. Roddy McDowell and Martin Mull are also in this although I think they thought this was supposed to be a comedy since they seem to be acting like they're in a different movie. There's probably about 10 zillion slasher flicks I would rather re-watch before this. Check it out only if you think Mr. Pitt is just dreamy.

 

 And in Germany this was released as a sequel to SLAUGHTER HIGH for some reason:

 

GWENDOLINE (1984)

 I first saw this movie back in the VHS days under the longer and sillier title of THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF THE YIK YAK.  That version must have been highly edited though since I don't recall the massive amount of boobs and ass or blood-filled killings on display which are here in the Severin DVD.  Basically this movie answers the question of what would INDIANA JONES have been like if it was directed by the guy that made EMMANUELLE and was filled with naked amazons, naked Tawny Kitaen, cannibals, bloody violence and stupid 80's cliched dialogue.  It is based on a comic so I guess that's a good excuse for the dumb lines and it also gives the film a bit of a BARBARELLA vibe(mostly because our heroine is so stupid) but unfortunately it doesn't have half the style or artistry of that classic(the Amazon palace set is pretty neat though).
 I have mixed feelings about this one since on the one hand it's about as dumb as most things in the 80's but if it was made someplace like Hong Kong or Italy I would probably give it extra credit just for it's embracing of nudity and blood.  Not a complete waste of time but probably more enjoyable if you don't let the stupid bits bother you so much.  

HOT POTATO (1976)

I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be a sequel to the way better BLACK BELT JONES(although there is a different movie titled BLACK BELT JONES 2 also) since Jim Kelly is called Jones here. Unfortunately this movie ups the comedic content and ridiculousness a little too high and also gets rid of the blaxploitation elements that made BBJ so memorable. Complete with stupid cartoony sound effects and carnival music while people are kung-fuing it up, a silly fat guy, elephant kung-fu, bad guys in what look like ninja's crossed with court jester's outfits and really lame jokes it's hard to recommend this to anyone unless you're into dumb action flicks or you're a real hardcore Jim Kelly fanatic and even then you should just stick with ENTER THE DRAGON, THREE THE HARD WAY or the original Jones solo adventure since Kelly doesn't really feel like the star here anyway.

DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971)

 You could classify this Belgian movie as Eurotrash or Grindhouse but I feel like it's slightly over the line into the artsy category to solely label it like that.  You get a beautifully shot, highly atmospheric tale of Elizabeth Bathory and her hot lady servant(who I'm assuming are both into hot lesbian activities) who meet up with a newlywed couple at a hotel and hi-jinks ensue.  These hi-jinks are, of course, of the vampiric kind  so you get some slit wrists, impalement, death by falling on a straight-razor as well as various sexy shenanigans and even some out of the blue wife beating to spice things up.  Our female newlywed, played by Daniele Ouimet, sort of reminded me of Ann Coulter which made it a little hard to get excited when she got extra naked  but that might be titillating for viewers with a more right-wing slant to their political views.  I did find the dark-haired Goth/vampire lady made up for this in the sexy department.
 Overall this is a great flick for folks who like high-brow accouterments in their low-down murder and boobs filled vampire chick movie.

MEATBALLS (1979)

I know I'd seen this movie when I was a kid but besides the fact that it starred Bill Murray and had that "Are you ready for the summer"-song sung by little kids I didn't recall any of it. The reason is probably cuz this movie is pretty close to being completely plot-less. The closest it comes to an actual story is when it concentrates on young Chris Makepeace who's the shy kid who Murray helps to gain confidence. I also mis-remembered this movie as having lots of nudity and being very raunchy which it isn't at all(it's only rated-PG), I must have thought girls in tight shorts was pretty naughty stuff when I was 8 years old or I was thinking of one of the sequels. There were 3 and from what I recall of those they were really stupid and featured stuff like the ghost of a dead porn star lady who helped a kid get laid(Part3), an alien who boxed Pee Wee Herman or something like that(Part 2) and Corey Feldman(Part4). While this part 1 isn't really anything special it is cool to see Bill Murray in his first big role on his way to becoming a big shot also director Ivan Reitman, who early on made the delightfully titled CANNIBAL GIRLS, would go on to make the GHOSTBUSTERS movies and become a similarly big deal.

 It just doesn't matter!:

THE BLACK BELLY OF THE TARANTULA (1971)

 The most memorable moments from this Italian giallo flick are, of course, the murder scenes.  The killer paralyzes his (usually naked) female victims with an acupuncture needle dipped in wasp venom and then proceeds to slice them open slowly with a large knife while they lay paralyzed and feel it all.  Unfortunately everything that happens around these scenes is a bit of a mess that goes on for longer than it needs to.  I did see this last night with a live musical accompaniment which definitely spiced up what would have probably been a fairly standard Euro-horror/crime thriller. Cool title but I would say to stick with Argento and Bava for more top of the line Italo-murder classics.

THE FURY (1978)

 I had high expectations going into this movie. For one thing it's directed by Brian DePalma. He's a guy who made some great movies in the 70's and this was his follow up to CARRIE which is one of my personal favs. It's also about psychic/telekinetic powers so I'd always assumed it would be at least somewhat reminiscent of CARRIE. To my surprise the two movies are not very similar at all. A good chunk of this film follows Kirk Douglas as he attempts to find his son and elude capture by some shadowy government group. So that part plays out like a typical espionage thriller type of a situation and it's a good two thirds of the film. There is also a subplot about a High-School girl with wacky brain powers but that's not really the main focus until our two stories come together towards the end. There is a neat climax where a guy gets blown apart by someone using only their thoughts which reminded me of the famous SCANNERS head explosion scene a bit. There's actually a few things feel very David Cronberg-ian going on but his films are usually way grosser.
 While this movie isn't complete crap most of it does seem very dull and generic for the era and I would say for higher quality 70's DePalma I'd stick with CARRIE and SISTERS.

 

ABBY (1974)

This black version of THE EXORCIST was sued by Warner Brothers when it first came out due to the blatant similarities here and became pretty obscure for many years.
 It is a pretty goofy retelling of that movie that stars two of my favorite stars from the blaxploitation-era William 'BLACULA' Marshall as a priest and Carol 'THE MACK' Speed as our possessed Linda Blair stand-in.  Speed is especially great as she becomes possessed and vomits up saliva everywhere, kicks guys in the nuts a lot and generally acts super horny and super evil and usually both at the same time.  Though I think the intention was to make a scary film due to these over-the-top insane outbursts I think the movie can't help but be seen as a comedy by anyone viewing it today.  Highly recommended to anyone who can appreciate high-camp value in their entertainment.

MONKEY SHINES (1988)

 I love monkey movies.  This one unfortunately is probably one of my least favorite.  Here George Romero tries to make a mainstream, almost bloodless horror film about a monkey that helps a paralyzed guy and then goes bat-shit nutso. Just by the that description you know this isn't going to go down in the history books as any sort of classic. I first saw this film when I was younger and recalled nothing about it except it had a monkey in it. Re-watching it recently did not raise it's status in my opinion at all. The main problem for me, besides all the murder scenes being complete cop-outs and the general premise being pretty fucking silly, is that this monkey is never really presented as all that menacing(I mean in the context of the film I guess if you're a guy who can only use his head lots of things,including a little bird in one scene, could possibly be terrifying but for your average viewer not so much) and the movie has such a cookie-cutter plot that you know there's gonna be a feel-good, happy ending right from the beginning. Another example of 80's crap that even a former master of horror couldn't spice up enough to even make memorable. On the positive side I will say that the razor-wielding monkey on the VHS box does make a fine mascot for your stupid movie blog. If you want to see a better movie with a razor-brandishing primate try Dario Argento's PHENOMENA. Also of interest here is that Romero chose his wife to play the role of a bitchy unlikable nurse. I guess he knew she could nail that.

BEN AND CHARLIE (1972)

  This spaghetti-western is obviously a rip-off of the way better known and more successful TRINITY films which were huge hits in Europe.  Instead of Terence Hill and Bud Spencer we get Giuiliano Gemma and George Eastman.  It's cool to see Eastman, who's best known to gore-hounds as the fetus-eating, cannibal man-monster in ANTHROPOHAGOUS, in a co-starring role and Gemma does a good job being the more typical Italian blonde haired star complete with a goofy comedic edge here. While it never quite lives up to the TRINITY films it's still an OK watch for fans of the less serious movies in this genre. A.K.A. AMIGO, STAY AWAY and THE HUMPTY DUMPTY GANG(which is pretty fucking stupid but at least it's more memorable than BEN AND CHARLIE)

APPOINTMENT WITH AGONY (1976)

                                

 Many people think that roughie-style sexpoitation flicks ended with the advent of hardcore porn and while maybe that's technically true they made a whole slew of hardcore roughie-type films on into the 70's. There's also a lot of people that think today's porn is way more violent than the old stuff and while I'm no expert on new boring jerk-off movies I don't think that's really true if you delve deep enough into the classic porn era and actually find stuff that hasn't been censored to shit over the years. The Avon company is one of the main producers of your more edgy rape-filled, slap-happy type of smut and this here is a good example of their brand of filthiness. It features Vanessa Del Rio as a hitchhiker who ends up tied up, held hostage and gang-raped by an interracial group of weirdos and has a bottle shoved inside of her. She gets to show off her acting talents while being continually violated for what I assume was a scary 42nd Street crowd back in the day. That's the first half of this 60 minute extravaganza for the second act we get a "family" with two well over 18 full grown girls who talk like little kids and then there's more rape and a little incest thrown in for good measure. Also Vanessa gets beat up a little more and we watch a girl pee. While all this is going on some psychedelic Pink Floyd tunes play in the background. Eventually we end up with our main rapist in jail singing some folk song about his bad luck which is also how it all began. 
 While this is no classic of any sort it is a good view into the ultra-sleazy underbelly of porn where the rape-happy seventies intersected with the fuck and suck flick. For true lowlifes only.

ISLAND OF LOST SOULS (1932)

 I'd seen the 1996 remake of this with Marlon Brando at a drive in once before but never actually viewed the original version til now.  This one blows that newer flick away by far and I thought it was great for a few reasons.  One being Bela Lugosi who doesn't star but has a neat role as the leader of the beast-men and seems to have been an inspiration for the band Devo with his "are we not men?" chanting.  Charles Laughton is also great as Dr. Moreau and this one really fits in well with the other classic Universal monster movies(even though it was technically made by Paramount) since it has a whole island of hairy monster creeps running around.  Also of note is the Panther Woman who's pretty hot for a 30's chick.  I've never seen the 70's interpretation of this but I think it would be hard to top this.

LOVE TOY (1968)

 This is a very strange sexploitation flick that I viewed at 3 a.m.  If there is a perfect time to watch a movie like this that would probably be it.  It all starts out with a guy losing everything in a card game to this weird couple and then he ends up selling his daughter to get everything back.  From there we get all these weird fantasies played out by our pervy card shark and his equally perv-o wife.  His fantasies include some daddy/daughter stuff, he pretends the young daughter is his wife and even his cat.  His wife is more into the old bondage and sadism act.  A guy gets tied up and has a cigarette put out on him, a gal has to lap up some milk, gets ridden like a horsey, soft-core threesome happens, and it's all wrapped up with a nice incestuous ending and murder or maybe it was all a kinky wet-dream.  Definitely a worthwhile watch for purveyors of fine filth that make you feel degraded just watching.
 This is directed by the great Doris Wishman under the name Louis Silverman but doesn't have quite the wacky-feel of most of her other stuff.  You can tell it's her work though thanks to the absurd dubbing job on display which makes this also seem very Euro-sleaze-like .

                                              

HIGH SCHOOL CAESAR (1960)

                                     

 A sort of not as epic version of REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE starring John Ashley who I know mostly from those 60's Filipino monster flicks. In this one he beats up kids in High School with the help of his leather-clad greaser gang, extorts them out of money or just plain robs them. He also seems pretty popular with a lot of the kids and even the teachers and ends up becoming student body president at one point. It all comes to an end though when Ashley ventures into the murder and attempted rape neighborhood. This movie could use some better tunes and a little more action to spice up what is ultimately a pretty dull juvenile delinquent tale. Probably of interest only to hardcore rockabilly types.

 

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)

 This is a movie that totally disturbed me when I first saw it back in the VHS days and that was probably a cut up version with most of the gorier bits missing.  It's also a movie I felt compelled to watch over and over again because of the power it had over me and after repeat viewings this one eventually went up there into classic status in my book.  Like I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE it's a basic rape/revenge plot but here we get even nastier and more colorful villains.  David Hess as rapist/sadist/balloon-hater Krug Stillo and porn star/director Fred Lincoln as his henchman are both amazing as is their animalistic lady counterpart Jeramie Rain who unfortunately only appeared in 3 movies before going off to marry Richard Dreyfuss.  A lot of people give this movie shit for the scenes of bumbling cops(featuring future KARATE KID Cobra Kai leader Martin Cove) but as incongruous as they might seem this would be a ultra-bleak trip of a movie without those parts. Overall what you get here is one of the few examples of a good Wes Craven film in my opinion and worthwhile to anyone who loves real exploitation,sleaze and/or just nasty nihilistic films in general.  Avoid the remake unless you like watching very attractive people try and pretend their sleazy low-life rapists and failing miserably at it.

One of the more famous movies to use the old "it's only a movie"-line: