THE WAR OF THE ROBOTS (1978)

 There were a whole slew of these Italian STAR WARS rip-off movies in the late 70's and all the ones I've seen so far are pretty awful. It also seems like a lot of them were directed by the same director as this one, Alfonso Brescia aka Al Bradley. Brescia reused sets and even footage from film to film and I guess that's how he cranked so many of these out in such a short time. One of his flicks that I am interested in seeing is BEAST IN SPACE because at least in that one we get a bunch of sex scenes thrown into the usual mix and just the idea of remaking Walerian Borowczyk's amazing film LA BETE as a cheap, crappy sci-fi flick is inspired thinking.
 This movie here though I think I woulda been pretty pissed to have been taken to see as a young fellow instead of the real STAR WARS. Also for a film called WAR OF THE ROBOTS there's a real lack of robots in this movie. There are some guys with Dutch boy haircuts in silver suits who turn out to be robots when they get cut open towards the end of the movie but that's not really what I envision from that title. There's also some urine-colored mole-people with bulging eyes and a main bad guy who wears a Merlin robe and looks ridiculous. Overall a real dumb and very boring movie that might be good for a few laughs but it's still a tough sit.

Lame "robots" attack!:

DAIMAJIN (1966)

 If I didn't already know this was a giant monster flick before watching it and just happened to stumble across this movie playing somewhere I would think it was just another 60's samurai flick since that's really what it is up until about an hour in when our title character, who's a giant stone warrior statue, comes to life and starts smashing shit up.  This was still the 60's so these Japanese kaiju movies were still made seriously enough that you didn't instantly feel like a moron as soon as the movie started and by the time the monster action takes place it plays out like a revenge scene against an evil warlord character and his clan which is what usually happened in these type of films.  It's just that this time the revenge is super-sized.  A pretty unique entry in a usually pretty dumb genre and not exactly what I expected.
 There were two sequels to this which were all filmed at the same time to cut costs   and released a year apart.  I guess they were pretty confident that this was gonna be a popular movie with the Japanese people.  There's also a fairly recent TV series starring the stone-faced people-squisher.
 AKA THE GIANT MAJIN and MAJIN THE HIDEOUS IDOL

A CHINESE GHOST STORY III (1991)

 Even before the title appears this Hong Kong action/fantasy/kung fu flick starts right out with the batshit-nutty action as a lady demon smashes up some trees with her monster tongue then we fast forward 100 years and end up following some Buddhist fellows around who get mixed up with some ghostly demon trouble.  Heads roll, blood is splattered about and this whole movie plays out almost like some superhero tale of monks with crazy magical powers that fly around and fight witches, devils, demons that look like hot Asian chicks with long sharp retractable finger nails and finally a temple that turns into a giant monster.  
 I don't think this is really a sequel to the first two CHINESE GHOST STORY movies but I haven't seen those in a long time.  From what I recall all three films basically reuse the same plot over and over.  In 2011 there was yet again a new updated remake of this story called A CHINESE FAIRY TALE and that title makes it sound horrible.  I guess this one here is worth a look if you like the more crazy supernatural side of Asian cinematic weirdness.

INTREPIDOS PUNKS (1988)

                                         "Drinks first, then food, asshole!" 

 INTREPIDOS PUNKS, or INTREPID PUNKS for English-type people, might be one of the greatest movies I've ever seen.  It's also the only Mexican biker movie I've ever seen and not only is it a biker movie but it's a biker movie mixed with punk rockers, a little dash of Lucha Libre/Mexican wrestling and a cop thriller with tons of senseless violence.  If there's a movie that depicts random acts of insane violence and rape in a more fun way than this movie I have no idea what it would be.  Kind of like a Spanish version of an early good Troma movie.  The main characters here are a gang of punk rockers named things like CALIGULA and TITS who ride sweet motorcycles and seem to have been inspired by CHEECH & CHONG'S look in UP IN SMOKE, super hot 80's music video-looking gals and a leader named Tarzan who wears a silver mask and delivers flying dropkicks and pile-drivers to anyone that pisses him off.  There's also a female leader named BEAST played by a very porn-movie star looking lady named Princesa Lea who makes funky music play every time she exposes her boobs, in fact the whole gang is so awesome that they have their own theme song that screams their name whenever they show up.  They also have their own personal rockin' band that comes out and plays while they rape women which leads to the wackiest rape scene I've ever seen and it practically dares you not to laugh while seemingly innocent women are being assaulted.  These are terrible people who chop off hands, set fire to a poor gas station attendant and often get very rape happy but they're so much damn fun to watch and they seem like they're having such a blast that it's hard to root for the good guys here which makes the ending where the cops strike back a bit of a bummer.  I imagine this was probably a really fun movie to make and that comes through while you're watching it.  I also learned from this film that in order to be a cop in Mexico all you need is a sweet 70's porn guy mustache and a barrel chest.  An obscure masterpiece!
 I'm pretty sure this movie only exists on a shitty looking VHS copy since that's the only way I've seen it, even in a theatrical-showing last night they just projected that version which looked very wonky.  They leave the ending open for a sequel which came along in '91 called VENGEANCE OF THE PUNKS which I really need to find immediately.  .

A guy gets run over by a tank and ninja stars fly!:

NIGHT TIDE (1961)

 When I first attempted to view this movie, featuring a young Dennis Hopper, on a cheap-o DVD it was instantly sleep-inducing so I always assumed it was terrible but having now seen it all on a big screen the way God intended I can truthfully say that I don't think this movie is very good.  The acting is awful, it's horribly-paced, it's barely a horror film and the conclusion raises more questions than it answers.  It's kinda like if someone took a classic like CAT PEOPLE or CARNIVAL OF SOULS and did a really clunky version of them.  The story concerns a woman who may or may not be a mermaid that Hopper falls in love with(this part, of course, was reminiscent of SPLASH except it's not a comedy) and then some slighty horror-movie-ish themes are thrown in where our sea-lady might be a killer and/or monster.  I will say though that the movie at least has some historical significance and is probably worth at least seeing once since it's Hopper's first starring role

ANGEL GUTS: NAMI (1979)

 Everything about this 3rd film in the ANGEL GUTS series is way better than 88's ANGEL GUTS: RED VERTIGO which is the only other one I've seen so far.  I don't think these movies are really related in any way except that the main character is named Nami in both and they're all taken from some dirty Japanese comic book about rape. This one is way more violent and has a lot of rape going on since our title character is a reporter writing a story on the topic.  It's also a lot more memorable and has a really stylish look as an added bonus.  The highpoint, or low-point depending on what type of a human you are, involves a woman getting sliced open so her attacker can look at her intestines and then, as if that's not enough, he proceeds to rape her in a formaldehyde-filled tank which also has some dead bodies floating in it. I'm not sure why a hospital would have decaying corpses floating around in a tank down in their basement but it does make for one hell of a nasty set-piece and shocking scene. It all culminates with a strange and hallucinatory ending that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but besides that I would say check this out for some extreme, offensive and even slightly artsy Asian cinema.

THE HORRIBLE SEXY VAMPIRE (1970)

 For the first half of this movie they might as well have called it THE HORRIBLE SEXY INVISIBLE MAN because for some unexplained reason our vampire killer(played by someone with the more werewolf-sounding silly name of Waldemar Wohlfahrt) is invisible.  He does become visible for the second half but then they coulda just called it THE HORRIBLE SEXY STRANGLER because strangely enough instead of biting people on the neck and sucking their blood he's a vampire that likes to strangle people.  This leads to a complete lack of any blood on display but to make up for that there are a few naked ladies here and there and Mr. Vampire does get a little pervy towards the end when he starts undressing gals to get a look at their panties after choking them to death.  Overall this German filmed euro-horror flick is pretty boring and drags quite a bit between murder scenes and our hero is a sort of Andy Warhol-looking fellow who seems pretty unconvincing as a vampire-slayer.  In fact the vampire here has to tell Mr. Warhol how to kill him and even asks him to do it which I'm pretty sure is something I've never seen Dracula do. 
 Even though the abundant nipples are nice I would say there's plenty of better euro-trash films to seek out before this one. 

MALABIMBA (1979)

 Italian director Andrea Bianchi  is probably best known for the insanely nutty but awesome 80's zombie movie BURIAL GROUND and this movie even features the mom who gets her boob bitten off in that as a nun this time who also doesn't wind up with a very happy ending.  It seems like every director in Italy got at least one chance to make their own version of THE EXORCIST and this seems to be be Mr. Bianchi's extra-sleazy version of that classic film.  He really just takes the basic premise of a young girl being possessed by an evil entity and goes off into a sex-filled, euro-nudie flick with some evil undertones sprinkled in.  There's lots of naughty peeping, fucking on a bear-skin rug, cheating partner swapping, lesbian humping, naughty nun groping and when you think things are about as sleazy as possible Bianchi throws in a supposedly 16-year old girl giving a hardcore blowjob to an old crippled man until he dies to take us into X-rated territory and blow our minds.   This is probably my favorite of all the EXORCIST rip-off flicks just because I can't imagine anything being more filthy and at the same time entertainingly absurd.  I really need to check out more of Bianchi's films!
 There are apparently two different version of this out on DVD and I've only seen the X-Rated cut so I'm guessing the "uncut" version might be missing some of the penetration and blowjob shots. 

2069: A SEX ODYSSEY (1974)

 Filmed in either Germany or the Netherlands depending on who you believe, back in '74 and released three years later in America, to no doubt capitalize on the STAR WARS-mania going on,  I can't believe this movie was ever very popular anywhere.  It's an extremely dumb sex comedy with not too many laughs and women from Venus who wear Ziggy Stardust glam-rock outfits and need to collect some sperm.  Bad dubbing abounds and there's lots of sex scenes in snowy locations(which seems to me to be the worst place to have sex).  A guy gets pricked in the ass with a pitchfork and the Venusians design a penis-sucking, sperm-sampling machine in what I assume were supposed to be funny moments.
 The version I watched on DVD was soft-core but it did look very edited so I suppose there might be a bit more graphic version out there somewhere.  There's also at least one DVD release of this that tries to fool gullible people into thinking this is a porno from the 80's or 90's, by putting more modern porn stars on the packaging, but it clearly isn't.  You might be better off going with the similar WHAM, BAM THANK YOU SPACEMAN than this here.




Very strange poster for this movie since it doesn't actually feature Ginger Lynn or an underage Traci Lords in it!:

DRUNKEN MASTER 2 (1994)

 Before Jackie Chan became a kid's cartoon character and a household name in America he made some entertaining chop-sockey flicks in Hong Kong.  While he was never as great as Bruce Lee, in my opinion, he had his own comedic appeal that worked great in the wacky world of 70's and 80's kung fun cinema.
 This movie originally came out in '94 in Asia and 6 years later due to Chan being so popular worldwide it was dubbed(pretty horribly!) and released theatrically in the U.S. as LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER(which kinda makes sense because this isn't really a sequel).  I find it hard to believe that a movie like this would get a wide release in the modern day.  I imagine it would be immediately remade with stupid Americans and your typical Hollywood-loving moviegoers would have no idea who Chan was.
 The stunt-work as always in Chan's flicks is amazing and you can tell lots of folks were probably banged up pretty badly and I can respect that kinda dedication.  Unfortunately if you watch the dubbed version it can be pretty grating with some of the voice choices made and they also cut out the ending where Chan becomes a blind retard from drinking too much so watch the original subtitled version if you have the choice.
  While you can't take away the action-filled components of this film, overall I prefer the original DRUNKEN MASTER to this just for it's lower budgeted, old-school charm and added wackiness. 

The Americanized trailer:

MIDNIGHT PLOWBOY (1971)

 Director Bethel Buckalew was obviously inspired to rip-off 1969's MIDNIGHT COWBOY, the Dustin Hoffman classic, but this one here is hardly a classic. It's a sorta similar tale of a country bumpkin, hillbilly knucklehead coming to the big city and getting mixed-up with prostitutes except there's no gay stuff like that big Hollywood movie and also our main character is an over-the-top offensive stereotype of a southerner. While, being from New York, I wasn't personally offended I did find him totally unlikeable and it's hard to enjoy a movie when the main character is such a lame douche-bag. On the plus side there is a lot of the expected nakedness and lots of pretty explicit sex scenes for a soft-core film including beaver shots and even some floppy penis for the folks who like that sort of thing. The movie poster features titles from other Harry Novack produced sex flicks.

See Natalie sit on a hairy Jewish man's face and make herself heavy!:
Midnight Plowboy by Trashopolis

ANGEL GUTS: RED VERTIGO (1988)

 
 Japan has a long history of rape-filled, feminist-unfriendly cinema going back many years and this ANGEL GUTS series is pretty infamous for some pretty low-brow grotesque moments involving rape and other debauchery. This is the first of the series I've seen and maybe I should've started with part one because that was made back in the 70's and this, the 5th in the unrelated set, wasn't very impressive in any way. It's the story of this nurse who gets attacked by some patients then breaks up with her boyfriend then gets hit by a car, raped by the guy who hit her and finally falls in love with Mr. Reckless driver. I suppose those events could be told in some type of interesting and/or artistic way (hell, the Japanese film NAKED PURSUIT was one long rape scene and that was way better than this) but here it's all done very soap-opera-ish and lame with lots of attempts at artsy-type camera shots that come off a little laughable. You do get plenty of nudity(but optical fuzzed out genitals) and moaning Asians so if that's enough for ya go for it.  AKA ANGEL GUTS 5 and RED VERTIGO

BLOOD (1974)

 Andy Milligan's films are all pretty bad but as long as they have that chaotic charm I find them at least worth a watch. This one is terrible for the first half of it's running time with endless and pointless dialogue scenes then about halfway through it starts to get batshit crazy and my intense patience is rewarded. From what I can figure out this is Milligan's version of a classic monster mash flick. You get a wolfman character named Lawrence Talbot, the daughter of Dracula, disfigured servants and even Baron Frankenstein shows up at the end. There's also some blood-drinking/man-eating plants ala LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS for some inexplicable reason. Hands get chopped off, blood gets sucked, there's some meat-cleaver mayhem and the title doesn't lie. Check it out if don't have very high expectations. IMDB lists the runtime at 74 minutes but I've only ever seen the 57 minute version and even at that it feels like a long film at points.

TOMB OF THE WEREWOLF (2004)

  This is by far the worst of all the Paul Naschy werewolf flicks. It's also the last one and it was made in America instead of Europe like the rest of them. Just about everything about this movie is shitty. It looks like a TV show since it's shot on video, the music sucks, the fx are terrible, Naschy's Wolfman outfit looks like it belongs on a Saturday morning kids show from the 70's, Naschy also gets about three lines of dialogue in the whole movie before being relegated to a background character(Elizabeth Bathory, played by Michelle Bauer is really the main villian here). Most of the acting in this is around modern porn quality(which makes sense since there are a couple of porn stars in this). Director Fred Olen Ray has mostly made crap his whole career so it isn't a shock that this is so lacking in quality. The only plus is there is plenty of nudity, lesbianism and that sort of thing so if you're looking for one of those late-night, soft-core cable movies and you don't mind a really dumb werewolf movie thrown in this might be for you. AKA THE UNLIVING (uncut version with extra boobies!)

The extra sexy version!:

via RedGIFs

COUNTRY CUZZINS (1970)

 Harry Novack produced a whole slew of these southern-fried sexploitation flicks with titles like THE PIG KEEPER'S DAUGHTER and SOUTHERN COMFORTS so I guess they were popular at the time.  All of these were directed by someone with the nifty name of Bethel Buckalew so I guess that was his specialty.   They're kind of like softcore porn versions of HEE-HAW or THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES and, of course, they're all really dumb.  This one is pretty typical and concerns two cousins and their stupid inbred family filled with people named Fester and Jeeter.  Early porn star Rene Bond plays the slutty cousin and uses any excuse to show off her tits and ass which is nice.  There's a very thin plot about some rich relatives from the big city and a family reunion but it never seems to get in the way of really lame jokes and humping scenes.  The ladies in these sex scenes look fine but unfortunately there are some really hideous-looking fellows on top of them a lot of the time which is a little jarring.  So unless you dig watching people screw in muddy pigpens this might not be for you.   

FASCINATION (1979)

 Another Jean Rollin-directed Eurotrashy vampirish nightmare film.  This one is really almost a vampire movie since our "villains" don't have any magical powers and are actually just rich lady blood fetishists.  Starring Brigitte Lahaie, who also did awesomely titled porn films like HITCHHIKERS IN HEAT and looks very cute here in some iconic sickle wielding murder scenes, this is worth checking out for fans of Rollins' dream-like horror tales or just some slightly artsy lesbian antics with some blood thrown in.  The one thing that sorta brings it down a little is the fx which consist mostly of just little smears of blood to signify gaping wounds which would probably piss off gore fans but for people who can appreciate more than that this it's worth a look.

GALAXY OF TERROR (1981)

 Roger Corman produced this ALIEN-rip-off along with the similarly sci-fi/horror themed FORBIDDEN WORLD around the same time. It's got a B-movie all star line up of actors in it including Joanie from HAPPY DAYS(Erin Moran), Mr. Hand from FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH(Ray Walston), Freddy Kreuger(Robert Englund) and Sid Haig(who only says one line in the whole movie). It's a pretty dumb movie with a nonsensical plot and a totally incomprehensible ending but I will say for the low-budget they at least got the most out of the sets that were available. James Cameron was in charge of production design so that explains that and he would go on from here to his directing gigs. There's tentacled monsters running around and some pretty gory death scenes but the whole payoff of this movie happens about halfway through where we get a woman stripped naked and raped by a giant, slimy space worm besides that there's not really a whole lot to recommend about this one.

AKA MINDWARP:

GURU, THE MAD MONK (1970)

 
 Typical of crap-movie master Andy Milligan everyone here overacts terribly like they're in some kinda horrible stage presentation.  Filmed mostly in a church in Manhattan that's supposed to be on an island in Europe and filled with New York accents nothing is very believable but the movie does have Milligan's insane touch to it that, to me at least, makes it a watchable mess of a movie.  You get a hodge-podge of wacky characters including a humpback assistant named Igor, a fat annoying vampire/wizard-lady and of course our title character who's a repugnant representation of all that's wrong with psycho religious types that are placed in positions of power.  Eyes are poked out with sticks, hands and heads get chopped off, our humpback gets crucified and somehow manages to escape from that and also I think he gets his tongue cut out but the version I saw of this was under an hour long so maybe some spicy gore footage was missing.  Take a chance on this only if you think you can make it through all the seemingly endless stupid dialogue scenes. 

MILANO CALIBRO 9 (1972)

                      "Do to others what others would want to do to you, but do it first"

 Caught a really nice-looking copy of this last night in a theatrical showing and after viewing this and TO BE TWENTY recently, Fernando Di Leo is becoming one of my favorite Italian directors.  This one is a great 70's Eurocrime flick with a really amazing soundtrack.  It literally starts off with a bang as the mafia dispense with some suspected thieves by blowing them up with dynamite sticks.  From there on it's all double-crosses and violence with neither the cops or the mafia being portrayed as clear-cut heroes.  The acting is all amazingly fitting and our main character here, Ugo, is a sort-of mix between Jason Statham and Lawrence Tierney from RESERVOIR DOGS(Tarantino has stated this is the greatest Italian film-noir ever made).  Ugo's main nemesis, played by Mario Adorf, is about as sleazy and unlikeable as possible while alternately booting naked whores in the ass and/or kissing the ass of  head baddie "The Americano".  I also find it amusing that the top scumbag here is an American since everyone knows how ugly and evil those people can be. Barbara Bouchet also does a great job of bringing some hotness to the flick as a go-go dancing beauty.  With a twist ending that comes out of nowhere this one is a great watch for Eurotrash fans.   AKA CALIBER 9 and THE CONTRACT

EMMANUELLE'S REVENGE (1975)

         "You tell that shithead we're not making arty-farty flicks for intellectual faggots!"

 Most of director Joe D'Amato's Emanuelle movies starred Laura Gemser as the title character who was a black version of the original French character made famous by Sylvia Kristel.  This one was before the Gemser-era so we get a different white Emanuelle whose sister is dating great character actor George Eastman who looks weird here without any facial hair on his mug.  Eastman plays a sleazy lowlife actor who  lets a film director rape his gal, convinces her to star in a porn flick, cheats on her and generally treats her shitty which results in her gory suicide by train.  From there it's time for Emanuelle's revenge which consist of seducing big George, drugging him and chaining him up behind a two-way mirror.  After this we get treated to some lesbian antics, an orgy, some fake cannibalism and other assorted sex acts that we watch from behind the mirror which I'm sure is a comment on the type of cretin who enjoys these sleazoid films.  Castration is threatened and meat-cleaver wielding shenanigans ensue.
 Co-written by one of my favorite filmmakers, the great Bruno Mattei, this film is filled with a creepy downer vibe and nihilistic ending that you don't get in a lot of sexploitation flicks and at a lot of points this feels more like a giallo than anything else which makes this one of my favs in the sexy shocker genre.  It's also supposed to be a remake of some 60's film from Greece.  There's also a pretty strong feminist message in there which you don't really expect from your average Joe D'Amato flick.
  The old VHS copy I have of this is heavily cut so look for the 100 minute version for the complete sexy and splattery show.  A.K.A. BLOOD VENGEANCE, BLOOD RAGE and EMANUELLE AND FRANCOISE