MARLEY'S REVENGE: THE MONSTER MOVIE (1989)

  This really seems like one of those bad movies that they would throw into a Troma DVD boxset back in the day. I'm not sure if that ever happened but it did end up as the opening film of an all-day Halloween horror movie marathon that I attended yesterday. It was the silliest movie of the day with lots of slapstick comedy bits, dumb hillbillies, voodoo hijinks, zombies and a dinosaur (or is it some kinda mutated alligator??) skeleton-headed monster. Not great cinema but good for a couple of laughs. 

KUNG FU STUDENT (1989)

               

For a movie titled KUNG FU STUDENT you might think there would be a bunch of kung fu on display but there really isn't. What you get is basically a silly comedy about a nerdy girl(Lin Hsiao-Lao) who gets involved with a ghost of a gangster(Alexander Lo Rei). It all starts with her farting out his spirit which should give you a good idea of the type of slapstick we're dealing with here. it mostly plays like a wacky buddy cop film and we do get more action and fighting as we get towards the big finale. Very dumb but good for a few chuckles here and there. AKA MAGIC GIRL(a more fitting title)

This starts out like a straight-forward action flick but alas all is not what it seems:

V-MADONNA: THE GREAT WAR (1985)

 A biker gang vs. a Japanese high school. The school hires some kickass ladies, including some lady wrestlers, to help them. Things get pretty rough and this has a weird mix of comic book action and pinky violence-type assaults. There's rape, vagina burning, a gal hung on an upside down cross and generally lots of abuse of women but also a lot of women getting revenge and kicking ass. YOJIMBO gets name-checked though the plot is more closely inspired by THE SEVEN SAMURAI. A good watch but I'm still not sure what Madonna has to do with any of these goings on.  AKA GO FOR BROKE

CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS (1980)

  This Shaw Brothers kung fu flick is actually a sequel to 1977's EXECUTIONERS OF DEATH (there was also another sequel in '79 called ABBOT OF SHAOLIN but I've yet to see that one) and starts right out with the final scene from the previous film. It's also kinda similar with another Pei-Mei character, named The White Lotus in the subtitled version I watched and called Pak Mei in the dubbed version, so it also gets called a remake frequently. Besides the more typical tiger and crane style martial arts there's a feminine embroidery kung fu and even some acupuncture-fu. This one goes from being silly to being a bloody tale of revenge, sometimes even in the same fight scene, but it all worked for me and if you're a Shaw Brothers fam at all this is one to check out.

                                    AKA FISTS OF THE WHITE LOTUS:

ROBOWAR (1988)

 In a lot of director Bruno Mattei's later films he was very fond of mixing a couple of famous genre films together and this is a good example of one of those. This time it's PREDATOR and ROBOCOP which features a group of commandos known as B.A.M.(Bad Ass Motherfuckers!) trying to take down a killer cyborg created by the government as a weapon. Reb Brown, maybe best known as the star of Mattei's STRIKE COMMANDO, is our big action hero and things go fairly predictably with many exploding huts and lots of scenes of walking around in the jungle to some overly peppy soundtrack music. Mid-level Mattei for sure.  

TO DIE FOR (1988)

 Love stories involving vampires existed way before those TWILIGHT movies and this is one of them. The main gal(Sydney Walsh) who falls for our main vampire(Brendan Hughes) looks like young Sigourney Weaver. There's also another jealous vampire and some pretty decent practical monster fx. Apparently there was originally so much blood and gore in this that the producers were threatened with an X-rating so they cut it way down. Hopefully that version shows up some day. Duane Jones of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD fame has one of his very last, very brief, roles here. Not a great movie but for something that barely played anywhere before being dumped on video it's watchable if you're into some romantic horror. AKA DRACULA: THE LOVE STORY TO DIE FOR and BRAM STOKER'S TO DIE FOR

 There was a SON OF DARKNESS: TO DIE FOR II released in 1991 but I don't think the stories are related at all. 

DEATH RIVALS OF SHAOLIN (1972)

  Fairly typical evil Japanese karate guys vs. good Chinese kung fu guys flick. A lot of kung fu movies are nothing but non-stop fight scenes but this one has a whole long stretch in the middle where nothing really happens. They do sorta make up for that with the long-ass 30 minute end fight scene which includes some car-fu and police-baton-fu. Overall a pretty forgettable one especially since it has a whole bunch of aliases including KUNG FU: THE INVINCIBLE FIST, KUNG FU: THE INVISIBLE FIST, THE REAL DRAGON, THE GOOD AND THE BAD and TIGER VS. DRAGON.

BLOOD MONEY (1974)

  Better known as THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER this is a spaghetti-western mixed with a kung fu flick(heavier on the western and way lighter on the kung fu though despite being a co-production of Shaw Brothers studio). You get Lee Van Cleef and Lo Lieh searching for a Chinese treasure by looking at the asses of various women(one of which is cult favorite Erika Blanc) who have clues tattooed on them. I do tend to like these mashups and despite lots of goofy comedic moments this one isn't terrible. My favorite of these types of films, which there aren't very many to choose from, is probably THE FIGHTING FIST OF SHANGHAI JOE.

Known in Italy as THE BRUTE, THE COLT AND THE KARATE:

EVIL IN THE WOODS (1986)

 The main problem I have with this 80s horror/comedy, besides it being a comedy, is that the main story is just being read by a little boy in a children's book and not supposed to actually be happening in the movie itself which makes it kind of hard to care about anything that happens. It also seems like everything that happens in the book was shot first and then they filmed the wraparound sequences afterwards for some reason. To make things doubly terrible the story in the book is about a film crew making a movie about Bigfoot fighting Martians so even the stuff that happens in the book isn't real! A real mish-mosh of clips strung together with little payoff. I did kind of enjoy the snotty little boy in the beginning of the movie but he sadly doesn't appear for much of the film. 

HER NAME IS CAT (1998)

"Do you like S & M?" "S & M? I'll take your asshole!"

Hong Kong action flick with a kickass female lead(Almen Wong). This is similar to NAKED KILLER which was also directed by Clarence Fok. The English dubbed version I watched has lots of 90s techno music in it and some crazy dialogue like the sample noted above. It's not quite as good as NAKED KILLER, for one thing no one gets naked here. The main actress must have had a no-nudity clause in her contract because she keeps her hands over her boobs in the shower and during sex scenes constantly. Also the violence never gets as over the top as many category III films from this era and I'm kinda surprised it was even given that rating. There's a chicken named Grandpa and a little girl and shockingly neither one of them gets killed! AKA THE HUNTRESS: HER NAME IS CAT

 There was a sequel 2 years later with HER NAME IS CAT 2: JOURNEY TO DEATH

Subtitled version:

LEATHERFACE (2017)

  Just like with Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN remake the brilliant idea here is to delve into the origin story of a movie villain that doesn't need a backstory. By 2017 there had already been 4 sequels to the original film(with really only Part 2 being entertaining and Part 3 already using the title of LEATHERFACE!), a terrible remake and then a prequel to the terrible remake so I guess a prequel to the original film would be just the perfect thing to add to the confusion of this series timeline. I'm not exactly sure how you make a movie that has bloody chainsaw killings, necrophilia, a good bit of blood and gore with a group of mental patients on a kill-crazy rampage so boring but they somehow managed to do exactly that. It's probably due to the fact that I never really cared about anyone in this film or what was going to happen to them. Our main character, besides young Leatherface(who they try and fool you with who exactly he is), is so non-descript that it was hard to sympathize even when she was in peril and that's the problem with every other character too. Now I'm stuck with the knowledge that Lili Taylor is Leatherface's mum and that just don't seem right. 

THE LOSERS (1970)

 Filmed in the Philippines where life is cheap! What you get here is a great mashup of a biker flick mixed with a Vietnam action movie. Not to be confused with THE BORN LOSERS from a few years earlier this one stars William Smith as the leader of a biker group called The Devils Advocates(which was also the name of the gang in RUN, ANGEL, RUN ) who get sent on a mission into Cambodia to free a prisoner of those filthy commies there. Vic Diaz shows up, of course, since we're in the Philippines and there's lots of gun-fu and huts exploding. 

 This movie was shown playing briefly in PULP FICTION which I'm sure boosted it's popularity amongst film nerds. 

AKA NAM ANGELS:

Known in Italy as A BUNCH OF BASTARDS:

and known in France as THE DEVIL'S MACHINES:

NIGHT OF THE STRANGLER (1972)

   With a title like NIGHT OF THE STRANGLER you might think there would be some strangling going on here but you would be sadly mistaken. The closest we get is a drowning in a bathtub but besides that there are a bunch of other ways our mysterious killer offs his victims, non of which is by strangulation. To add insult to injury not much of this movie takes place at night either!

  I've seen this movie referred to as blaxploitation which is another untruth. There are a couple of black characters and racism does play a big role in the proceedings but the soundtrack is not quite funky enough to qualify as a proper 70s blaxploitation flick. Ex and future member of The Monkees, Micky Dolenz does a decent job in this non-comedic role and while the novelty of seeing him in an exploitation movie like this might make it worth a watch for some people there's not much more to recommend this one for. AKA DIRTY DAN'S WOMEN and IS THE FATHER BLACK ENOUGH? Re-released as THE ACE OF SPADES.

 Not to be confused with the Kolchak TV-movie THE NIGHT STRANGLER which does actually feature some strangling victims. 

ANGEL (1984)

  This is a sentimental favorite from back in the VHS rental days. I think the thing I like most about it is that it mixes a few different genres together slasher movie/revenge flick/teen drama and it wallows in a great 80s Los Angeles sleazy environment. In addition to this all the characters here are bonkers. Comedian Dick Shawn in drag as Angel's fairy godmother, the always wacky Susan Tyrell as his mate/insult-trading partner, Rory Calhoun as a lost-in-time cowboy and a killer(John Diehl) who is a literal egg-sucking hooker-killing nutjob. Our main character played by Donna Wilkes is supposed to be a 15-year old prostitute but clearly is not and that's probably a good thing. 

 There were 3 sequels to this. I've only see 2 of them and just found out about the 4th one where our Angel has become a blond. Sadly Wilkes never returned to the series and Angel is played by a different actress in each subsequent movie. 

SANTO VS. THE KING OF CRIME (1962)

  I generally love Santo movies and while I don't hate this early one it's probably down there around the bottom on my list of favorites. The main problem with this is the long drawn-out Jai Alai matches that serve to pad the film out. I know these movies always have long wrasslin' matches thrown in, this one has a couple of those also, but they really focus on the Jai Alai more in this entry. It's also kind of a weird origin story of Santo being a role, and a mask, that a father hands down to his son. There is a very fat criminal kingpin with a humpbacked midget helper so it's not a total loss but I think if I'm looking to re-watch a Santo flick I'll stick with his 70s monster mashes. 

               Santo using the immense power of Jai Alai!: 

THE MAJORETTES (1986)

  Directed by the guy who played the first zombie in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD(Bill Hinzman), written by the guy who co-wrote NOTLD(John Russo) and featuring appearances by those 2 guys and the guy who played Johnny in NOTLD(Russell Streiner) this is clearly a Pittsburgh production. With all that local star power it's kind of a letdown that this is not better. You get a pretty basic slasher movie about cheerleaders getting offed and some religious overtones thrown in for motivation. Has a decent amount of blood, nudity and even a couple of explosions when it turns into an action movie for a bit. Might keep you entertained if you've seen all the big slasher flicks already. 

GIRL BOSS BLUES: QUEEN BEE'S COUNTERATTACK (1971)

 The first of the GIRL BOSS BLUES series despite the title sounding like it's a sequel(AKA QUEEN BEE STRIKES AGAIN). This would be followed by 6 more movies of which I think I've seen maybe half. I caught this one as part of a marathon of Japanese girl gang movies yesterday and quite a few of those also starred Reiko Ike and Miki Sugimoto. They also all had pretty similar themes of young girls getting mixed up with The Yakuza, great soundtracks and they seem to all start out as women-in-prison films before our main characters get released back into the underworld of Japanese crime. This one does stand out for one particular scene of a group of bikers incorporating fucking on motorcycles into a race. Beyond this it all does become a bit of a blur.

 

MORITURIS: LEGIONS OF THE DEAD (2011)

  One of the more nasty films I've seen in a while. The easiest way to describe this is for about an hour it's reminiscent of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT with all the expected brutality that entails(a pair of scissors in some private parts was the part that got to me the most) before then swerving off into resembling TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD. I am generally a fan of this type of sub-genre-mixing and was surprised that anything made in 2011 was halfway decent. Check it out if you have a strong stomach. 

 This was apparently inspired by a real-life crime that occurred in Italy where a group of lunatics raped and tortured a couple of young girls, murdering one of them resulting in it being banned there. I'm assuming the 2nd half where some ancient Roman zombies show up to add to the nastiness is not based on anything real. 

ASSAULT OF THE PARTY NERDS (1989)

  In my ongoing quest to see everything that Linnea Quigley ever acted in before I die I arrived at this. A very USA UP ALL NIGHT-type of sex-comedy/boobie-movie, this one is clearly inspired by ANIMAL HOUSE which only came out a mere 11 years earlier. It involves a nerd-filled fraternity dealing with a rival group of jocks(or are they preppies? Maybe both). Linnea and Michelle Bauer both get their tits out but beyond those highlights it's the expected really stupid stuff.   

 There was a sequel 6 years after this which is most likely just as dumb. 

                                                 Glorious VHS cover!:

RUN AND KILL (1993)

   One of the rougher and better Hong Kong category III movies I've seen in a while. This one features Fatty(Kent Cheng) who gets himself mixed up with not just one but 2 mobster factions that you don't want to be involved with. You get lots of violent fighting, various murders, torture and a very notorious child death scene. For hardcore Hong Kong  fans only.

 The first time I saw this was in a little art theater near me and it was hosted by the author of a book titled THE SWEETEST TABOO which was a look at child death in films and this was the very fitting film which they chose to exemplify that. 

DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK (1973)

  While I'm a bit too young to remember when this made-for-T.V. movie originally played I do recall bits and pieces of it from one of it's many re-broadcasts over the years. It's definitely one of the highpoints of television horror and despite the absurd-looking onion-headed miniature monsters here it still manages to be a creepy classic. 

 I know there's a modern remake of this written by Guillermo Del Toro but I'm not sure I want to see a big budget version of this since the original manages to pull of the atmospheric chills with very little. 

 Uncle Charley from MY THREE SONS is the featured harbinger of doom here who is sadly ignored.

THE BLACK CAT (1989)

  Luigi Cozzi gives us his version of the 3rd movie in the SUSPIRIA trilogy way before Argento gave us the official one with MOTHER OF TEARS. While I didn't completely hate M.O.T. this one is way more enjoyable and wackier watch. We get a movie-within-a-movie which is also a sequel to SUSPIRIA, a crud-faced witch who likes to puke green slime on people, a black cat lurking about(which is really the only thing this has to do with Edgar Allen Poe), Caroline Munro being her sexy self, an outer space fetus, laser beam fights, time travel, a rocking soundtrack which includes Bang Tango and a bunch of other nonsense that makes no sense but boy do I love it! 

 Released in Italy as DEMONS 6, and it has even less to do with the DEMONS series than it does Poe!

SLAUGHTER HOTEL (1971)

               

 Although the ad up there tries to make you think this will be about serial killer Richard Speck it's really more of a standard Eurotrash giallo deal featuring Klaus Kinski as a doctor at a rehab center and a mystery slasher hacking people up. I say standard but this one does feature quite a bit of nudity and sleaze thanks to Rosalba Neri and all the other ladies in the cast. There is some mass nurse snuffing towards the end though so it's not total false-advertising. 

 The original version features explicit vaginal shots which were edited out of the U.S. release to get an R rating. AKA ASYLUM EROTICA

Original Italian title is THE BEAST KILLS IN COLD BLOOD:

This ad just steals a shot from fellow sleazy Italian classic FRANKENSTEIN 80!:

VALENTINE (2001)

 Slasher movies from this time period are generally not very good and this one fits right in with the rest of the crap from this post-SCREAM/pre-HOSTEL era. To make matters worse there was apparently a bunch of blood and violence cut out the movie to make it even blander. I guess if you like really slick-looking slasher movies give it a look, I'll stick with the original MY BLOODY VALENTINE for a better V-Day thrill. 

RUSSIA 88 (2009)

  Before watching this I guess I never thought about the idea of their being militant neo-Nazi skinhead groups in Russia before but that's what we get here. I probably would have liked this more if it wasn't filmed in that found-footage/shaky-cam style. Obviously influenced by stuff like ROMPER STOMPER(which it name drops), AMERICAN HISTORY X and MADE IN ENGLAND it drags a bit and gets repetitive but is an interesting obscure oddity. 

KISS ME MONSTER (1969)

                      

 The 2 sexy secret agents(Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni) from SADISTEROTICA return in this sequel. Just like that movie this was advertised in America as a horror flick which it is not. You get another goofy James Bond-inspired romp. A lot of nonsense and comedy bits ensue which is not what one usually comes to director Jess Franco for, There is one scene of a bloody surgery(only included in the English version), go-go dancing and some black hooded baddies that look like bizarro-world Ku Klux Klansmen but not much else stands out in this. 

ZEIRAM (1991)

  Pretty simple Japanese sci-fi flick about a bounty hunter(Yuko Moriyama) and her computer sidekick Bob come to Earth to capture a monster/biological weapon named Zeiram. Reminiscent of John Carpenter's THE THING in the way it can transform throughout the movie. They throw in a couple of goofy electricians(phone repairmen?) for a laughs. Some great practical FX work make this worth a look for people into that sort of thing or maybe just fans of ULTRAMAN. 

 While this would seem like something that was based on a prior animated show it wasn't but there would be an animated version in 1994 and also a live-action sequel that same year(which from what I've read is really just an inferior remake). 

THE DIABOLICAL DR. Z (1966)

  Jess Franco kind of makes a sequel to THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF even though there already was one in 64, and while this isn't my favorite Franco it is definitely better than that one. Our main character here Dr. Z, and his daughter, continue Orloff's work which of course brings us down the EYES WITHOUT A FACE road but also focuses more on seeking revenge using mind control with the help of a big clunky machine with robot arms. Some cool visuals and sexy gals even if it drags a bit at times. 

THE FISH WITH THE EYES OF GOLD (1974)

  This is the first fish-based giallo I've ever seen. Besides that though it's kinda forgettable. This is an example of Spain taking a shot at the giallo genre and it's a pretty weak attempt. You get a couple of bloody stabbings, childhood trauma, lots of potential suspects and an obsession with fish. For obscure giallo completists only.

16th FLOOR (1971)

  I think this is supposed to be one of those educational drug scare films but it never seems all that scary. There is some biblical allegory going on since our main character is named Eve and the drug dealer here has a theme song about being a serpent. It was funded by a tire company but I'm not sure why. I guess it's worth a look if you like weird drug shorts and lots of hippie music. 

BLOOD BEAT (1983)

   This is kind of a slasher movie  mixed with supernatural horror and it really doesn't make much sense. It's filmed in Wisconsin yet our killer is a Samurai who goes around killing people with his sword. Is he a ghost? Well nothing is ever really all that clearly laid out by the movie so good luck figuring it all out. There's also a bunch of ESP stuff going on, people that can shoot glowing cartoon beams thanks to their psychic powers and a gal who orgasms while are killer is snuffing people out. While I can't say this is a great movie I do appreciate when they try something different in a slasher flick and this is about as different as they come. 

 Despite IMDB claiming this was shot-on-video it was actually shot on 35mm film. It was released straight to video though.  

RING OF DEATH (1969)

  Going into this I was thinking this would be a giallo and it kinda/sorta is because you're dealing with people getting killed but the movie focuses more on Franco Nero as a corrupt detective who's trying to figure out who's doing all the killing, and kicking anyone's ass that gets in his way, making it seem more like one of those politziotesche films. Eithr way it was kind of a disappointment. There's too much dialogie and not enough action and Nero comes off as a pretty scummy character that is hard to get behind.  AKA DETECTIVE BELLI(in case that other title is too exciting for you)

CASTLE OF THE CREEPING FLESH (1968)

 Spanish horror(though it was shot in Germany) that takes place(mostly) in an old castle. While this is not your standard haunted castle situation it's kinda hard to decipher exactly what's going on here. Howard Vernon plays a mad scientist trying to bring his daughter back to life with the help of a bunch of gross open-heart surgery footage. There's a bloody wild bear attack, multiple rapes, drunken partying and gratuitous use of a speech from Shakespeare's HAMLET. There's also ample nudity and Janine Reynaud(from Jess Franco's TWO UNDERCOVER ANGELS) getting it on. Franco is also credited as the writer of this which makes sense when you watch it. This was probably pretty shocking stuff in 1968. 

 Apparently the original Spanish version has a longer ending but I'm not sure I'd want to watch a longer version of this. 

 AKA APPOINTMENT WITH LUST, CASTLE OF BLOODY LUST, IN THE CASTLE OF BLOODY LUST, CASTLE OF LUST and CASTLE OF UNHOLY DESIRES

DJANGO KILLS SILENTLY (1967)

  The idea of casting George Eastman of ANTHROPOPHAGUS fame as the hero in this appeals greatly to me. Sadly most of the film isn't all that exciting despite having the tallest guy to ever play Django in it. You get women and kid-killing Mexican bandits and the usual spaghetti-western plot. For completists or big Eastman fanatics only. 

              AKA DJANGO KILL SOFTLY(that's sounds pretty nice!):