GROTESQUE (1988)

 So this one is kinda like if you took that movie CLASS OF 1984 added Linda Blair and then shoehorned a slasher movie into the middle of it. It starts out with a very anti-social gang of "punkers" wiping out Miss Blair's family. Then seemingly out of nowhere a mutant retard killer, who just happens to live in a secret room behind the family's bookcase is revealed who deals out some revenge. This all sounds pretty dumb when I type it out but it works entertainingly enough in the film itself that I would recommend it to not-very-discriminating fans of 80s horror. Tab Hunter eventually shows up as a relative of the slain family to add his own brand of twisted vengeance on these punk hooligans(one of which is MANIAC COP himself, Robert Z'Dar.
 There's an extended, and apparently more obscure, version of this film where the camera pulls back at the end revealing it to all have just been a movie that The Wolfman and Frankenstein's monster were watching. Genius!

German poster!:

RED HEAT (1985)

 Two years after CHAINED HEAT Lind Blair returns to the ol' women-in-prison formula. This is a little weird since she wasn't all that proud of it the first time around but I guess when ya gotta pay bills ya take the job. Basically this is a crappier version of CHAINED HEAT with the setting switched to Communist East Germany(referred to as The People's Republic). The main villain in this is the original Emanuelle herself, Sylvia Kristel and I've never seen her play such a badass before so that's something. Unfortunately it takes about a half hour before we even get to the prison and then it's pretty standard stuff involving catfights(including on between Blair & Kristel!) and gals raped with plungers and that sort of thing. Towards the end a paramilitary group battles prison guards and it all becomes more of an action movie so if that's your thing check it out if more sleazy hijinks is your bag go watch CHAINED HEAT instead.

  

SAVAGE ISLAND (1985)

 Linda Blair is supposed to be the star of this movie but really only appears in some wraparound footage at the beginning and end of the film and her voice is heard in some narration that pops up every now and then. We do get to see her shoot a very young-looking Penn Jillette right in the head so that's something. The rest of the movie is made up of footage from Italian/Spanish women-in-prison turds ESCAPE FROM HELL and HOTEL PARADISE(aka ORINOCO: PRISONER OF SEX and BLOOD FOR LIBERTY) both from 1980. Now I don't think I've ever seen these two flicks in their complete versions but these spliced-up cuts make them seem pretty lame. There are some explosions and transexual star Ajita Wilson shows up as a badass prisoner for a while but for the most part this whole thing is pretty forgettable and there are many more exciting women-in-prison adventures you should check out before this one, like CHAINED HEAT for one, actually starring Linda Blair.  

WITCHCRAFT: EVIL ENCOUNTERS (1988)

 This is an Italian gore flick with actual American stars in it, which by 1988 was a pretty rare thing to see. Also as the 80's went on the quality of movies in general from Italy got worse and worse for the most part. This one here is no exception. Ghost stories where random things happen for no explainable reason are probably my least favorite genre and this fits right into that shitty category even though I guess it's technically witches making stuff happen in this case but they might as well be ghosts since that's how they act. If you're just looking for some gory set-pieces though you do find them here. A lady gets shoved down a chimney, has her mouth shown shut and gets burned alive, another gal gets speared on a swordfish in the most ridiculous murder, a guy gets crucified upside down and set on fire and that sort of thing goes on throughout. It's too bad it's all completely stupid, pointless and worst of all even with all the bloody killing going on it's boring. Also there's an annoying little boy which is never a good thing in a movie like this. Produced by euro-cult film master Joe D'Amato. How he got Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff to be in this I have no idea but even with them I don't think this ever got much of a release theatrically in the U.S. The DVD I have of this calls it WITCHERY on the box but WITCHCRAFT on the film itself and in England this is known as GHOSTHOUSE 2, in Italy this somehow became a sequel to the EVIL DEAD movies being called LA CASA 4(EVIL DEAD & EVIL DEAD 2 are LA CASA & LA CASA 2 & LA CASA 3 is the original title of GHOSTHOUSE) confused yet? There was also a LA CASA 5 in 1990 which is also known as BEYOND DARKNESS. I haven't seen any of these later LA CASA movies but if they're like this one they're probably skippable.

NIGHT PATROL (1984)

Severely dumb 80's comedy starring The Unknown Comic, best remembered from the, also dumb, GONG SHOW TV game/variety show thing. Since most movies from the 80's were injected with out of place idiotic comedy bits anyway, it seems the logical conclusion is to take it to this point were everything that happens is just absurd. Of course this also hearkens back to wacky shit from the 70's like KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE and crap like that. It's a long silly trip for Linda Blair to go from THE EXORCIST to this but her 80's stuff is always fun to see. Overall I find this retard-o fiasco, from the director of BLOOD DINER, worth checking out if you just want something idiotic to meditate on. You also get tons of cameos from Andrew "Dice" Clay to Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Morita to big boob queen Kitten Natividad. Plus the world's greatest farting midget Mr. Billy Barty! So have a beer and lose some extra brain cells with this.