THE LADY PROFESSIONAL (1971)

 The Shaw Brothers take on the gangster genre here with this story of a hit-lady(Lily Ho) seeking revenge for her dead dad and other treachery. Surprisingly no kung fu action is involved though there is one scene where Bolo Yeung shows up that almost turns into martial arts but mostly consists of a weird shoving match. You do get gun-fu and Lily's deadly dart-throwing compact. The super red 70s blood flows pretty hard, especially in a scene where a guy gets tossed in some type of industrial strength wood-chipper doo-hickey and turned into chunks of gore. 

   

THE GORGON (1964)

  This is kind of a goofy one for Hammer studios because it deals with a monster from Greek mythology coming back from the dead and possessing a woman, oh and then turning people into stone and killing them. No, not Medusa, but her sister Maguera, the lesser known of the three Gorgon sisters(in actual Greek mythology the 3 gorgon sisters were Euryale, Stheno and Medusa, so I'm not sure where they got this name from but it is slightly easier to pronounce. Maybe they borrowed it from that giant Japanese robot in THE MYSTERIANS). As usual Hammer makes everything look great(except those very fake-looking snakes in Maguera's hair) and you get to see Christopher Lee in a rare heroic role. Also since the Gorgon only appears during a full moon it all plays like a weird female version of a werewolf tale which is cool.

#ALIVE (2020)

 My favorite thing about this new Korean zombie flick is that it's not 3 hours long like a lot of new stuff from Asia that I've been watching.

 God knows the world doesn't need anymore zombie movies but Korea has been doing a pretty good job at putting somewhat unique actiony spins on them with this and 20016's TRAIN TO BUSAN both being entertaining offerings. This one deals a nerdy gamer millennial who is pretty inept at fighting off the walking(or in this case the running) dead and has to figure that crap out. Not overly cgi-heavy, which is a good thing. The opening third is a lot more interesting than the rest but at least it has that. 

MADNESS (1980)

  It's weird to see Joe Dallesandro in anything outside of those Andy Warhol-related films that he did. This one here is an Italian kidnapping deal directed by the great Fernando Di Leo, not an action movie despite the RAMBO-rip-off promised by that German DVD cover up there. I've seen it compared to stuff like LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK but, even though there is a rape involved, this is a lot tamer than those 2 examples of extreme cinema. This one mainly deals more with psychological trauma than the physical sort. There's a love(sex?) triangle between a married couple and the wife's sister that Joe stumbles across in his attempt to get back some stolen loot he's stashed in their summer retreat.  Interesting flick but probably not for the rape-happy gorehounds looking for more lurid fare. You do get Lorraine De Selle(best known to me as the main gal in MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY) pretty much totally naked for the whole runtime acting extra sexy and sleazy, so that's something at least.  

 One thing I did learn from this film is that director Di Leo must have loved that MILANO CALIBRE 9 soundtrack because he recycles it here(it was also reused in WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR DAUGHTERS? but I guess that wasn't Di Leo's doing)

                                     Originally titled VACATION FOR A MASSACRE!:

GOLDEN TEMPLE AMAZONS (1986)

 

 This one was mostly directed by Jess Franco but then some additional scenes were shot by porn director Alain Payet so there are technically 2 directors of this. 

 The plot here deals with a group of Amazon women(who live in Africa which is not anywhere near the Amazon but whatever) who inhabit a golden temple ruled over by William Berger in a loincloth. Then things turn into a weird version of TARZAN when a little girl's parents get killed by the Amazons and she ends up a wild jungle woman complete with a pet chimpanzee named Rocky. Then she seeks revenge with some friends including a witch doctor named Koukou and we are treated to various scenes of torture and bad fighting. Franco's adventure films are generally not his best work but this one is at least amusingly stupid in almost every way. There's a menacing hippo, an elephant named Dickie, tons of jiggling naked boobs right out in the open and a chimp ends up being the hero.     

FADE TO BLACK (1980)

  IMDB lists this film, about a lonely movie nerd who ends up killing people, as a comedy/crime/horror. While it obviously does have some horror elements those other two seem way off and I think this one squarely fits into that "thriller" category. The main character we follow here is such an unlikable dweeb that it's hard to get too involved in this one. Mickey Rourke is pretty cool though but unfortunately only has a small role as a bully. Overall this one had an interesting premise but not the greatest execution of it.

 Is the message of this movie that if I watch too many films I will turn into a raging homicidal maniac? Maybe if our boy Brinford(Dennis Christopher) only watched some Bower Boys instead of those depressing film noirs he woulda lightened up a little. 

 

 At least we got this classic Metallica tune which was clearly inspired from this film: 

ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING (2007)

 This is the very final film of Italian schlock-master director Bruno Mattei. In keeping with his usually low standards, it is pretty crappy. For something made in 2007 though it does at least have some of the aspects you'd expect from a Mattei flick that sets it a little apart from most modern-day horror garbage. It seems these zombies are made in a lab, so I guess they are more of your mutated freaks rather than your standard living dead. There are also a few cone-head zombies, a midget zombie with an eyeball growing out of the top of it's head and a talking brain behind glass that's never really explained very well. The plot is basically ALIENS and ALIEN 3 except with these mutant monsters. Mattei did already make a rip-off ALIENS with SHOCKING DARK but I guess he really liked that idea of soldiers fighting a bunch of monsters. The dubbing is laughable and the gore is plentiful. Sadly there's no nudity from our attractive Filipino star Yvette Yzon, also sadly this was shot on video and it sure looks it. There are some scenes where explosions take place that Mattei "borrowed" from CRIMSON TIDE. Of course those were shot on film and look great but don't match up at all. 

 This is actually a sequel to Bruno's previous film, ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD, so calling it the beginning is kinda dumb. 

 There was supposed to be a 3rd movie in this important "trilogy" but death got in the way. 

FATAL NEEDLES VS. FATAL FISTS (1978)

 So the DVD I own of this one comes in a case promising the movie CLASH OF THE NINJAS(which is a completely different film, credited to either Godfrey Ho or Thomas Tang depending on who you believe), the title card itself says it's CAT VS. RAT (which is another totally different old Shaw Brothers comedy-fu film), but after doing a little research I've come to realize it's actually FATAL NEEDLES VS. FATAL FISTS. They sure made that about as hidden as they could!

 The plot here concerns a couple of expert kung-fu cops made up of Lo Lieh and Don Wong. Lieh gets taken out pretty early on and it's all about Mr. Wong getting revenge. The white-haired bad guy this time is a needle-throwing fellow who can paralyze you and kill you with his magical pins. So he's basically an evil acupuncturist.  Pretty basic revenge theme but this seems to get a higher rating from hardcore martial arts fans for some reason. 

    Fancy Thai poster where it's called DEADLY SECRET WEAPON AND DEADLY FISTS!:

THE UNNAMABLE (1988)

  This is kinda like if you took one of those old 1940s haunted house movies and made it in the 80s and mixed in a slasher movie. There's a hairy, banshee-like, lady monster who seems to have weird dance moves(the monster was played by dancer Katrin Alexandre so that explains that) that rips out guys throats with her sharp claws and lops off heads. Some decent gore fx, a boob and a wacky ending with some killer trees are about all this has going for it. 

 I can't imagine why, but somehow there was a sequel 4 years later.  

                                                           Fancy-pants blu-ray cover!:

SUMMER CAMP NIGHTMARE (1987)

  So the original title of this thing was THE BUTTERFLY REVOLUTION which is a lot more fitting and makes more sense. This being the 80s though they tried and fool people into thinking they were going to be getting another slasher flick since those things were making so much money. This is not a slasher movie, in fact it's not even really a horror movie. People do die but it's all done in more of a dramatic-thriller way. The great Chuck Connors is a religious nut who's in charge of a boys summer camp. He treats everyone like shit. Then the kids stage a revolution and tie up the adults in a cabin, then people start getting killed off. Oh and they knock over a butterfly display, hence the alternate title. Penelope Spheeris, known for DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION films, wrote the screenplay so Fear's "Beef Bologna" song is sung by a couple of weirdos. 

 Overall not the worst thing in the world but the title swerve is a bit of a downer. It does(poorly) attempt to show how power corrupts no matter who wields it which is a lesson that seems to have been forgotten in today's numb-skull-filled world. 

DARIO ARGENTO'S DRACULA (2012)

 Classic Italian director Dario Argebnto's last film and sadly his worst! It took me a few attempts to make it through this cgi-filled crapfest. Perhaps if this was made back in the 70s or 80s it wouldn't be so awful. There are some gory bits and some nice boobs on our vampire chick but of course everything is filmed so terribly it's hard to care. This is extra depressing considering the things Argento has done in the past. How a director could go from the visual style of something like SUSPIRIA to this flat-looking(if I didn't know any better I woulda sworn this was shot for Italian T.V. or something) garbage is beyond me. Also I have to note that there's a stupid giant praying mantis in this that Dracula decides to turn himself into. I think it's mandated by law that if you talk about this film that is the dumb thing that you're supposed to solely focus on. 

 Released in 3D under the title DRACULA 3D back when everything was coming out in 3D versions. I doubt the extra dimension helps much. As usual stick with the classics unless you really need to see everything done by once-great horror personalities. 

GHOUL SEX SQUAD (1991)

  So it took until the 1990s for someone to have the brilliant idea of mixing those Chinese hopping vampires into a porn flick. I guess technically this would make it a necrophilia sex movie. Also one of the vampires is a little kid but luckily he doesn't seem to be in any of the sex scenes. Not very sexy, not much kung fu at all and filled with terribly dull parts. The absurdly worded subtitles are a treat though

The version I watched of this was a terribly blurry bootleg and I'm not sure if there is any legitimate release anywhere but it's worth a look purely as a unique obscure novelty. 

NIGHTMARES COME AT NIGHT (1970)

  Jess Franco experts seem to point to this film as Jess' turning point into the weird erotic cinema that he would be mainly known for. I guess it's a start but not the most entertaining of his sexy features by a long shot. There are sexy naked ladies(including the great Soledad Miranda in some kinky boots) and the typical Eurotrash-atmosphere but things get a little scatter-shot in the plot department. Diana Lorys plays a lesbian stripper who has a nightmare where she kills a guy, Paul Muller plays a doctor who is treating her, then Soledad shows up in some unrelated scene where we focus mostly on her naked ass(which was probably the highlight for me), then things end with a suicide. Apparently this was Franco's attempt to splice 2 unrelated films together which would explain the hodge-podge nature of everything. 

 This might be the only film I've ever seen made in the country of Liechtenstein, which I wasn't even aware was a country until today!

                           This trailer makes about as much sense as the whole film!: