ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS (1957)

Roger Corman directed this giant man-eating crabs on the loose epic and it's pretty typical of his other 50's monster flicks. The unique thing about these creatures is that after they eat someone they assimilate their victims brains(sort of like a 50's version of Star Trek's Borg aliens) and can imitate their voices luring new prey into it's crabby clutches. Pretty sneaky for big crabs with huge bug eyes. They also do some neat decapitating and dismembering with their big stupid claws. Fun, goofy flick and it's only about an hour long. Russell Johnson, The Professor from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, is one of the scientists on the island. Originally released on a double-bill with NOT OF THIS EARTH.

BENEATH THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRA-VIXENS(1979)

Russ Meyer's films seem to all take place on another world.  A world where every woman has giant breasts and is a sex-obsessed nymphomaniac.  Sort of a science fiction wonderland where everyone gets laid.  People even bleed in different colors for some reason in this particular flick.  This was Meyers return to BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS type material and it's quite the hodge-podge of craziness served up with a kinetic energy that can't be denied.  This was to be Meyers' final giant breast epic and it seems like he was trying to jam every single idea he ever had into this one film.  Using super quick cuts and some amazing shots I think he succeeds in conveying his manic fascination with monstrous tits and sex in general and the whole thing plays out like a long trailer for something incredible.  There are a couple of problems with this film though.  The plot for one never really gets going due to the insane pace of everything.  There's also a really strong anti-homosexual vibe that runs throughout the film.  The main character only gets off fucking women in the ass and this is deemed a terrible problem that he must be cured of.  There's also the ridiculous insane gay dentist character that stops at nothing to fuck our main character in his ass.  Fortunately it's hard to take anything very seriously in a movie that features humor that hovers around the 5th grade level.  Not for everyone(the endless ballyhoo dialogue just wears you down after awhile) but if you have a high tolerance for stupid sex comedies it's worth checking out.

THE STRANGE LOVE OF MOLLY LOUVAIN (1932)

Before the Hays Code went into effect in 1934 Hollywood pumped out a bunch of movies like this which contained some morally questionable material for the time.  This movie concerns a woman of loose morals who sleeps around and gets involved with a gangster amongst other men.  She also has a baby out of wedlock which was shocking at the time.  Also a cop gets shot.  While this isn't the type of exploitative film I would normally watch I did find it interesting to see what was considered scandalous in 1932.  The main actress has a line-delivery style that reminded me of John Waters' star Mink Stole and the fast talking reporter guy seemed like the Carl Denham character from KING KONG but that movie wouldn't come out for another year.  Of course in the world of today most of the controversial things presented here wouldn't even be looked at twice.  I would recommend this one only to cinema snobs who are hardcore into the classics.

INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN (1956)

One of the coolest Lon Chaney Jr. roles.  Chaney plays a criminal known as "The Butcher" who gets executed and then accidentally brought back to life.  Except now he's an indestructible man who can't be hurt and has super human strength.  He basically just goes around kicking ass like the Hulk for most of the movie and getting revenge against his old crime partners who double-crossed him.  It's fun to watch the Wolfman fling bodies around and deflect bullets like Superman.  Not sure why they made him mute when he comes back though I guess it makes him seem more menacing.  The plots pretty straight forward with no surprises but it's still a neat old flick.  Features a gangster named Squeemy, some burlesque dancers and other more typical 50's characters.

SEX: THE ANNABEL CHONG STORY (1999)

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WARNING!!! PEDOPHILE RELEASED (2009)

I will give the filmmakers credit for having the balls to use the word "pedophile" in their title but with a title like that you would think this would be more of an exploitation movie. Perhaps something along the lines of HARD CANDY or some other type of rape/revenge movie. Well boy would you be wrong.  There's some nudity and exploitative elements(simulated underage gang rape) but this movie is really just an overly long drawn out artsy-fartsy drama with barely a plot line to follow  and whole long stretches with no dialogue and just terrible ponderous soundtrack music. The version I saw of this is almost two hours long.  That's way too much to ask of anyone to sit through when all you have going for your film is a shocking title.  If however you enjoy watching shaky digital camera footage of a girl in her 20's who can pass for 12 wander around a lot then this is the movie for you. If you like actual movies with stuff like a script and a point, then never ever attempt to watch this piece of boring crap.

For some reason the movie plays out in three parts and they felt the need to individually title each segment:

Alter

THE GREEN SLIME (1968)

It's hard to believe this goofy-ass 60's sci-fi monster flick was directed by the same guy who made the amazing, fairly seriously done movie BATTLE ROYAL but it is.  Kinji Fukasaku is seemingly a master at a few different genres including the stupid rubber-suit creature variety.  This movie doesn't seem Japanese at all and if you don't read the credits you would really have no idea it was.  It plays more like an Italian space film from this era although actually it was an Australian/American/Japanese co-production.  I suppose some of the monster suits and spaceships could have been leftover from old ULTRAMAN episodes or something and a couple of them ships look strangely like old-time vibrators.  This is a film that I loved way back when it played on local TV before they passed some law that nothing fun was allowed to be shown ever again.  You kind of think this is going to be a BLOB rip-off but then the creatures grow and end up sorta resembling a gang of SIGMUNDS from SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS fame which I also used to watch on TV before they stopped making shows for kids that were fun and didn't completely brainwash every one of them.  There's even one splatter scene where a guy falls on his head and blood flies out which I don't remember from TV.  Also features an amazing psychedelic theme song that's only second to the theme from THE BLOB in silliness.  Also the shitty Hollywood movie ARMAGEDDON ripped off the first half of this movie where they have to land on an asteroid headed for earth, plant explosives and blow it up.  I'll take rubber tentacled monsters over Michael Bay horseshit any day!

INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN (1957)

Classic little green aliens invasion flick from the golden age of American International Pictures.  The weird thing about this one is that the tone of the movie is part comedy/part scary monster invasion.  It's almost like they couldn't make up their mind what they wanted to convey.  Of course it's hard to make a serious movie when your aliens are ridiculous looking, bulbous headed, bug-eyed little buggers.  You get a spaceship that looks pretty snazzy and sleek with blinking lights and all that, a beer drinking, alcoholic bull, a car named Elvis and aliens played by midgets who inject alcohol into their victims with needles that pop out of their hands.  There's a sorta gory scene for the 50's where our heroic drunken bull fights an alien and pokes right in it's giant eye with his horn.  Frank Gorshin, who went on to play The Riddler on the 60's Batman show, plays a drifter who gets poked to death.  Like most of these movies the teenagers are way smarter than the adults(which makes sense since they were the target audience of stuff like this back in the drive-in days).  This originally played on a double-bill with I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF.  Like a lot of these early AIP pictures Larry Buchanan remade this one as THE EYE CREATURES in '65 for TV.  That version is not quite as entertaining.  Tim Burton used a pretty similar big-head alien design for his creatures in MARS ATTACKS!.  All in all a pretty fun sci-fi comedy to check out on a boring Sunday morning.

MONDO MAGIC (1975)

You get a bunch of scenes of animals being killed in this Italian-made mondo flick.  It takes us from Africa to South America where we see everything from grubs and spiders to giraffes and elephants get snuffed out and eaten by native folks.  There's also a bunch of fake scenes that are supposed to show "magic" in action.  Stuff like faith-healing and witch doctor type stuff.  Also a little bathing in cow piss and shit as an added attraction.  More of a depressing view of mankind than anything all that entertaining plus there are a bunch of better made mondo films out there.  The directors, the Castiglioni brothers, would go on to make SHOCKING AFRICA which is even nastier than this.  The DVD version I saw of this one on the cheap-ass Woodhaven label is edited down with some sex stuff removed.  Why they would remove this I have no idea but it seems all their discs are cut down in one way or another.  Assholes.

CANNIBAL (2006)

German made shot-on-video feature based on the real-life German cannibal Armin Meiwes.  This movie seems to exist only to exploit the true shocking story albeit in a pretty artistic way.  There's really not much of a plot besides the story of one fucked up guy's desire to eat another equally, if not more, fucked guy and there's minimal dialogue to get in the way of all the gore.  The first half plays out like a strange homosexual love story complete with tons of naked cock and balls on display, violent ass fucking and bloody dick biting.  You get the predictably graphic castration scene and then a whole long scene of butchery and finally some good old fashioned cannibalism.  For a movie with so many disgusting scenes I found it all pretty boring and felt this could have possibly been an interesting short film but 90 minutes was really unnecessary for such a simplistic idea.  30 minutes sounds about right, something like Nacho Cerde's AFTERMATH but with schlong.  Well shot for what it is.

Play with them entrails junior!:

NOT OF THIS EARTH (1988)

Fresh from her career in underage porn Traci Lords went on to do this remake of Roger Corman's tale of aliens looking for blood.  Director Jim Wynorski is know for his low-budget breast-filled epics that used show up on late night cable stations.  Seems like the perfect pair and you do get nude scenes of Lords and some other massive boobs on display.  On the negative side it's a pretty standard 80's movie with nothing surprising happening outside of the amazing opening sequence featuring monster and gore scenes from other Corman movies like HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP and GALAXY OF TERROR.  These have nothing at all to do with this movie but make for a great opening nonetheless.  I've never seen the original so I can't compare this to that but I would say check it out for the naked hookers if that's your thing.  This was remade again in '95 but that one looks pretty awful.  Oh and that poster is full of shit.  Traci is from the earth and the alien in this just looks like a regular guy with dark glasses. 

Best part of the movie besides the tits:

FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981)

Filipino-made,  martial arts-filled, James Bond takeoff flick featuring the amazing kung-fu abilities of Mr. Weng Weng, who is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the shortest man to ever be the star of his own motion picture.  This is truly the type of picture that needs to be seen to be believed and is something that could only be made in The Philippines.  Standing at a tiny 2'9" and dubbed with a pip-squeaky little voice, Weng elevates this movie from what would have been just another silly kung-fu spoof to something remarkably entertaining.  He does all his own stunts which consist of lots of hits to his enemies balls, some nifty acrobatics and a bunch of gun-play.  Plus his comedy stylings, peeping on naked ladies, disco dancing or cracking nutty one-liners work great in his portrayal of a mini-James Bond who, of course, is quite the ladies man.  The bizarre dubbing and slapstick antics only help to keep me watching what most people would probably label a terrible film but that's their loss.  For such a little guy, Weng is reportedly the biggest star to ever come out of the Philippines and I can see why.  You can't help but root for this guy.  This is actually Weng's 5th film appearance and he went on to do a few more as Agent 00.  I'll definitely be looking to find some of his other films.

MONDO TRASHO (1969)

The first full length John Waters movie to get shown publicly and it probably would've worked better as a short film instead as this does drag a bit.  There's very little dialogue and the story is mainly told through the use of 50's and 60's pop songs played over some quite trashy and distasteful scenes.  I guess this movie was underground enough that Waters didn't have to worry about all the copyright infringement going on with taking music from stuff like THE WIZARD OF OZ and that sort of thing.  The movie starts out with a bang as you watch a hooded executioner chop the heads off real live chickens then you get some foot licking for the fetishists out there followed by weird antics by "glamorous" cross-dressing Divine including some blasphemous fun in a church and then some wacky surgery hi-jinks.  Divine also shows up as a man in one scene.  The use of old records to convey a narrative is done really well but one of the coolest things about Waters movies is the absolutely insane dialogue which is missing from most of this movie and I think that's what brings it down for me a bit.  Check it out anyway though to see the beginnings of one of  the most absurdly entertaining directors in cinema's history.  

"dingle-berry":