SATAN'S SLAVE (1976)

OK so if you take a soap opera and cut in a bunch of scenes of Satan worshiping and sacrificing people and stuff like that you would have this movie. There are also some sorta bloody murders here and there and a few naked boobs. This description makes the movie sound better than it is. I mean it has all the key components of a good exploitation flick but I think the main problem is that this film is British and like many British films it's just very boring. I wish I could recommend this one because on paper it looks like a winner. I can't really but if you find it for $1 or so go for it.

AKA EVIL HERITAGE:

CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER (1974)

 I put off seeing this movie for a long time. Not sure why. I guess it was my apprehension at watching another boring period-piece Hammer studios film about vampires. Well this one is sorta different. There's no Peter Cushing or Christopher Lee and it actually moves along pretty quickly for a Hammer flick. I kept thinking about how this was such a better version of BLADE(a movie that I detest for all it's shitty-CGI-ness stupidity). Caroline Munro is great as Kronos' main chick and there's a hunchback sidekick. Hunchback's make just about any horror movie just that much better. This fella kind of reminds me of Riff Raff from ROCKY HORROR for some reason. This was originally supposed to be a series and it's kinda sad that they never made another one due to the shitty reception this got at the time from the public. Maybe I'll actually go back and check out some other Hammer stuff even though some of it is as dull as watching a pretty painting for 2 hours.
My only question is why is that guy on my DVD cover? That's not Kronos at all!




Bonus trailer!!:

Super cheesey 50's KRONOS:

BOARDING GATE (2007)

Asia Argento and Michael Madsen talk a whole bunch in this one. Some other stuff happens but the action never gets exciting. I think the only reason to ever watch this is to see Asia in her underpants or less for many scenes. You would really have to be Asia Argento's biggest fan to appreciate this movie on any level. I am a pretty big fan of hers but I still wouldn't recommend this. I also blame Madsen for making yet another boring movie. It feels like forever until anything happens and it's not all that exciting when something does. Watch SCARLET DIVA or maybe THE HEART IS DECEITFUL... instead. Great boobs though!

The trailer ain't so great either!:

BLACK DYNAMITE (2009)

Awesomely done spoof/homage to the 1970's blaxploitation genre. Everything looked authentic in this. It's a shame that there was no advertising or promotion of this thing anywhere. My and my girlfriend were the only 2 people in the theater to see this showing. Damn shame. How this even got released into theaters anywhere is kind of a mystery to me. It really stands no chance of making any money with the brain dead crowd of typical moviegoers these days. Most black audiences in the times we're living in now will probably be offended by the insane stereotypes. It's too bad films can't be fun/ridiculous anymore without offending the childlike sensibilities that people insist on carrying on their sleeves. It's movies like this that make me miss the 70's even more. Captain Kangaroo pimp!!?? Pair this up with BLACK DEVIL DOLL for an amazing double-feature of modern-day flashback insanity!

HIT AND RUN (2009)

Well if you like movies full of people doing totally illogical things just to move the movie along with little rhyme or reason to anything that happens you will love this. If you prefer movies with some type of logic you shouldn't watch this. For example there's a guy who is a victim of a hit and run who comes back from the dead and turns into a maniac bent on torturing the girl responsible just so the movie can emulate one of those SAW piece of shit movies. It just doesn't make any sense. There are only a couple of people in the whole movie and they're all really annoying. This is probably the worst thing I've seen in a long time. The only reason I even own this is because I mistakenly thought this was the Stuart Gordon movie STUCK when I picked it up. Big mistake! Now I need to get that one.

Fuck HIT AND RUN here's the STUCK trailer. It looks like a comedy which couldn't be any worse than the brainless horror movie route that H & R chose.

FLICKCHART

My top 10 on Flickchart:
1. THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY
2. TRUE ROMANCE
3. DOGMA
4. KILL BILL Vol. 1
5. CITIZEN KANE
6. YOJIMBO
7. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
8. FAHRENHEIT 9/11
9. THE GRADUATE
10. TAXI DRIVER

Now this site doesn't have an extensive amount of cult and/or exploitation films so that does skew things towards a decidedly more mainstream list. Also the way it ranks stuff is very random. If I arranged this list myself TAXI DRIVER would of course be on the top and I'm pretty sure TRUE ROMANCE and FAHREMHEIT 9/11 wouldn't be in the top 10 at all. But this site is a cool time-waster for movie-geeks even if it is frustrating as well. So check it out.

www.flickchart.com

DEAD SNOW (2009)

Mindless fun Nazi-zombies in the snow movie. They got a fat movie nerd, sluts and all the typical stupid people in a slasher movie thing going on. The movie does seem to get sillier and sillier as it goes along so if you're not into stuff like BRAIN DAMAGE, DEAD ALIVE and THE EVIL DEAD, which this movie is trying really hard to be, you might want to skip it. I saw this one as part of an all-night horror movie fest and it kept me awake in the late hours so I guess that means something. Even if you're sick of zombie movies in general, which I pretty much am myself, this one has enough silly things going for it that it works for what it is. There is another foreign nazi-zombie flick that's supposed to be coming out eventually called WORST CASE SCENARIO which has an amazing trailer but I believe they ran out of money at some point so who knows what's going on with that one. Oh yeah and DEAD SNOW a.k.a.- DOD SNO is from Norway so learn to read subtitles you stupid inbred hillbilly assholes that can't do more than one thing at a time. I mean seriously if you can't look at subtitles and pay attention to a movie at the same time you really have some kinda brain deficiency. How the fuck do people like that even cross a street? "Ein! Zwei! Die!"

PINK FLAMINGOS (1972)

What can you say about one of the greatest cult/underground/midnight-movies ever made? Did they pass a law at some point in the late 70's-early 80's that outlawed insane/crazy/original sleaze movies from being made? John Waters stopped making them and since then who has stepped up to take his place as Prince of Puke or Sultan of Sleaze? Not anyone in this country that I've seen. There's those brainless gore movies that try to be more "brutal" than the last one i.e.-AUGUST UNDERGROUND and its sequels. But stuff like that isn't even anywhere near the level of subversiveness or entertainment as this 30 year old piece of filth. Waters was a genius in his own disgusting way. 30 years from now I can't imagine anything being made today being held up as anything worthwhile for any reason or even remembered. But what do I know? Maybe time has a way of making garbage look better in hindsight. Many people would argue that about this movie too I suppose.

UNDER THE RAINBOW (1981)

 Here's a movie I'm sorta mixed about. I love midgets. I hate Chevy Chase. See my dilemma? This movie is packed full of midgets, dwarfs and assorted little people of all types up to no good shenanigans. The plot is pretty silly. It's supposed to take place during the shooting of THE WIZARD OF OZ and there's assassins and secret-agents and even a nazi-midget. All of the little people that played the munchkins are drinking and partying throughout most of the movie. Tons of ridiculously offensive stereotypical scenes follow with midgets hanging off chandeliers falling drunkenly down steps and every Japanese person in the movie getting inadvertently killed. Overall it's a good brainless watch as long as you don't let Chevy Chase bring you down. Oh yeah and Princess Leia is the leading actress looking as good in her undies as she did in that gold bikini.

S. DARKO (2009)

                                                                "Are you a gay?"

Wow, so if you take the movie DONNIE DARKO and get rid of the amazing soundtrack and add in a bunch of horrible actors with terribly written cliche-riddled dialogue this is what you get. Some of the characters from the 1st movie seem to be mimicked here but very poorly. There's the religious pervy guy and a guy who kinda looks like Donnie. I will say that the cinematography looked very good and that's about the only positive thing I can think to say. And just for the record I am a fan of DONNIE DARKO. I feel like that movie had the right combination of music, visuals and a deep engaging story of time-travel and general darkness plus some talented and believable acting going on. This time they got the visuals right and that's about it. Seems like something that coulda went straight to the Sci-Fi Channel.

MARTYRS (2008)

I heard a lot about this movie, both good and bad, before finally seeing it. I was somehow able to avoid all the spoilers out there and I'm glad I did. MARTYRS is a great and memorable horror movie. Seeing it without knowing too much about it is the way to go. I can see where the "endurance test" nature of the film will be too much for many people. Reading some of the negative reviews I see that people who can't take the grueling nature of certain scenes turn into the biggest nit-picky assholes there are. I've read reviews where the movie is called boring and grotesquely offensive at the same time. I'm not sure how someone can be disgusted and bored all at once but if someone can't relate to this film on a deeper level than that I have no desire to think like them. This film works on a deeper level than the torture-porn films like SAW & HOSTEL that it's being compared to. Most of the reviews I have read just list the story components. For such a multi-level constructed film that seems like the lamest way to review it possible. So far it's my fav out of all the nuevo-French movies that started off with HAUTE TENSION. I'm not sure it can be topped by them but I'll be looking forward to other new French horror stuff. This director is supposed to be doing the HELLRAISER remake. That might actually be something worthwhile unlike every other remake of the last 10 to 15 years.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL (2007)

 How can you go wrong with a movie starring Precious Cox? I caught the east coast premiere of this last night. The closest thing I can compare this to is a 1970's blaxploitation porno but you would have to mix that with gore, vomit, anal-raping and a killer puppet among other scenes of ridiculousness. Independently made by the guys at Rotten Cotton T-shirts, this is a great sorta remake of the Chester Turner shot-on-video classic BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL. If you have never seen that one I recommend it as well. Not sure where you would find it though. It takes that movie and turns it into big bloody boobied mess. Yes, it does top the original which is a rare feat. Now if they would finally release this DVD so more people can see this the world will be a better more fucked-up place.

HELL RIDE (2008)

How do you fuck up a biker movie starring Dennis Hopper, David Carradine, Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones? I guess you would start by making everything really stylized and unrealistic. Write some really awful dialogue that sounds like someone badly mimicking a Quentin Tarantino flick. The only plus is the hot naked biker chicks that are on display. I was a huge Tarantino fan back in the 90's but can we all agree that the time to rip him off has come and gone with all the other outdated remnants of that horrible decade? Let's try ripping off someone different just for a change. Of course finding anyone in modern cinema worth ripping off might be a tough job.

Here's a typical retarded scene of embarrassingly acted nonsense:

FACTOTUM (2005)

The Charles Bukowski semi-bio-pic BARFLY is a personal fav of mine from way back. I've probably seen it a dozen times at least. Never even heard of this sorta remake/ sorta based on the same story IFC movie until I found it in the dump bin at the local shitty big chain DVD rental shithole for a couple of bucks. If you're not a fan of BARFLY or a fan of Bukowski in general this probably wouldn't be worth watching. As a fan of Bukowski's work I was entertained. Can't say much of anything exciting really happens in the whole movie but it is what it is. What it is is a slice of life. A man searching for his place in the world. Or maybe just a tale about endurance or being true to your own set of standards. Never been a Matt Dillon fan but he does a good job in this and I give him props for that.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)

A good rule of thumb has been to look outside the U.S.A. for quality horror films. Hollywood stopped making movies that weren't geared towards zombies/consumerists a long time ago. According to my girlfriend if you take that big hit teeny-bopper movie TWILIGHT and add some blood and gore and reverse the gender and lower the age of the characters you would have this movie. Having never seen that mass-produced, mall-mentality Hollywood romance garbage I'll take her word on that. Overall I found this to be a really well-done take on a vampire movie. Having the vampire be a young female child made it unique in a way. Bordering on the artsy pretension that many Swedish films seem to fall into it realistically conveys a cold world. Who can't relate to the spazzy nerdish kid who's picked on and terrorized by his peers? I guess jocks and other insecure members of the mainstream can't but I know I can. George Romero's MARTIN is still my #1 vampire movie of all time but this one is worth checking out.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)

 How do you screw up a FRIDAY THE 13th movie? I really didn't think it was possible for me to hate a movie with Jason Voorhees in it as much as I hate this one. They've put Jason in space, had him travel to New York, had him fight Freddy Kreuger and Carrie, they even made him a body-jumping black slug and all of those things I found at least slightly entertaining. Movie makers currently think all they have to do is remake something so it's new. The sad thing is that it seems like the majority of horror fans agree with this. As long as it's new it's quality? It's a strange concept that I can't wrap my head around. Of course most younger movie fans wouldn't watch anything older than 1990 anyway so I guess it makes some kind of strange sense. This movie set a box-office record for a R-rated horror movie. Unfortunately my money was included in that total. This is the worst most boring FRIDAY THE 13th ever. Worse than the shitty TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake(which it even sorta resembled in a few ways)made by the same team of douche bags. A perfect example of Hollywood garbage trying to cash in on 80's nostalgia. The sad thing is that I will be first in line to see part 2 cuz I hear it's gonna be in 3-D. I love 3-D! MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D blew this away by far. Let's hope they try to rip off some of that movie for the next one.

This trailer can't begin to convey the shittyness of the whole film:

HARD CANDY (2005)

I like movies where there aren't any heroes. Kind of reminds me of real life a whole lot more than something like RAMBO. In real life the right answers aren't always very clear cut. I'm guessing this movie wants you to side with the psycho 14 year old girl character over the pedophile and yeah that is the side people would identify with more but neither one is especially likable in their actions. This movie does make you flip back in forth in your thoughts a few times and that's pretty cool in my book. Of course I don't really read that many books just watch stupid movies. This movie though isn't too stupid. There are a few scenes that stretch the believability factor a bit. I mean this guy murdered a girl before but he can't get it together to kill this little girl? Overall I found it entertaining but mildly flawed. It's a movie that doesn't need to be seen more than once but that's OK. I think I'd score this a 5 or 6 out of ten stars. Credit for the realistic scummy human beings portrayed and minus points for the absurdity of certain situations.

Here's Ellen Page squeezing her boobs from another movie and don't worry she's over 18:

FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 (1982)

FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 has always been my favorite of this whole slasher series. It's simple and dumb just like all the rest but it's just always been the one I think of as the best example of why I like this series at all. The first few F13's have that exploitation movie element that the later ones are missing once Jason becomes a zombie/monster. Those later movies are simply monster movies. Not that there's anything wrong with a monster movie but I usually like my slashers with at least a touch of realism and sleaze. There's even some vague reference to Jason being a rapist in this one that I don't think most people notice. This is just the perfect Jason as slasher/retard. When the fuck did he cut his hair from Part 2? Who knows. Don't bother buying the new DVD of this though. I waited forever to see this thing in 3-D and the new DVD doesn't look very 3-D at all. Fuck Paramount. Don't call your movie 3-D if the effect doesn't work. Pricks! Gonna go see the remake tonight even though I'm sure it will never stack up against any of the 80's classic slashers.

THE WIZARD OF GORE (1970)

                                                                   "It was Montag!!!" 

  Yeah, this is one of the original H.G. Lewis gore flicks that paved the way for all the slasher and other gore movies and made history and made Lewis "the godfather of gore". Hard to put a movie like that down. It's stupid, silly gore for gore's sake. But it's a fun movie to watch anyhow. This last time I watched it I noticed how painfully illogical and meaningless the ending scenes are. So it wasn't really Montag doing the killings the whole time?? Or was it?? I guess these things aren't ever meant to be fully known by mortal men. This movie is sort of a quaint old-time blueprint of BLOODSUCKING FREAKS. I wanna check out the Crispin Glover remake sometime soon. I don't imagine it will stack up in the campy kitsch department like the original but it might be interesting anyway. I liked the 2000 MANIACS remake enough. Not really a remake but a sequel BLOOD FEAST 2 was kinda crappy but it had some good points in it too(like John Waters creepy priest character). I think BLOOD DINER was a better remake of that one. Wow, how many gore movies can I reference in one paragraph? Anyway like most all of Lewis' films this one's very stupid but fun and historical.

                                              One of the all-time great VHS covers!:

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)

 If you're gonna do a remake of anything do something different. Remaking MY BLOODY VALENTINE in 3D is an idea I can get behind. 3D is just cheesy enough to make anything a little bit better. The effect works really good here too, which is a plus. I remember seeing METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN back in the 80's with the old style red/blue glasses and that worked OK but this blows it away. But similar to METALSTORM the actual movie is pretty dumb. The ending scenes seem to have been stolen from some SCOOBY-DOO episode and, having watched many episodes of SCOOBY as a kid, I knew exactly how it was gonna turn out, even with all the stupid attempts to switch who the suspected killer is. Now when are they gonna start making virtual reality movies? I wanna feel like I'm in the next remake of this running away from old Harry the crazy-miner just like my life depended on it. As a great big added bonus we get to see some nudity with our slashings. Finally, I was starting to think Hollywood had banned the showing of boobs or something.

ISLE OF THE DAMNED (2008)

Wow, this is a new cannibal flick made in Baltimore(I love how stupid people are fooled into believing it's from the 80's and Italy though, dumb asses!). I caught this at a special showing in the back of a restaurant. I've often thought that cannibal films and fine dining should be brought together and finally it was, for one night anyway. I found the movie delightfully entertaining. A true gourmet treat for fans of those old silly 80's cannibal flicks. Most of my friends didn't get the joke. It's a spoof. Cannibal movies aren't some sacred untouchable film style that's above being ridiculed. For the most part they're all pretty silly anyway despite the pretentiousness of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. You got castrations, multiple rapes, body parts & heads lopped off and of course cannibalism amongst other gory sights. The only thing missing is the animal killings which I think is a good thing although there is some rabbit fucking to watch out for. Overall, a good time if you can deal with the low-budget and silliness of it all. Wanna check out director Mark Colegroves other flick PLEASURES OF THE DAMNED if I can find it anywhere.

BUFFALO '66 (1998)

This one is definitely in my top ten somewhere, maybe even top 5. My first love is horror and/or exploitation movies. This isn't either one of those. A great movie is a great movie though regardless of what genre or category you want to stick it into or label yourself a fan of. Personally I hate most labels when it comes to art. Fortunately most horror films are very far from works of art. Anyway the selling point of this movie is Vincent Gallo's character of Billy Brown. You love Billy Brown because of the shitty life he's had. You relate to the character because he feels real. Sometimes the feelings he portrays strike pretty close to the ones we've all felt after being screwed over or fucked with by people in our lives. I say we've all felt these but I guess I should disqualify the type of people who hate this movie. Those people obviously have no depth anyway or at least not a depth that comes with acknowledging the harshness of reality. I suppose there are people that just hate Vincent Gallo. If that's the case then don't even attempt watching this. It's all his show and that works fine for me. Christina Ricci is also great in this although personally I prefer her with dark hair. Being a fan of the classic 1970's unhappy ending, I'm always suspicious of the happy cop out ending that Hollywood reverts to for most of their garbage mainstream movies. This is one of the few movies where it doesn't feel like a cop out but a natural extension of the characters development. We get a glimpse of the potential nihilistic consequences anyhow and that doesn't seem to be the place to end it all. Because as horrible of a person we might find Billy Brown to be in certain aspects we see ourselves in him. Or at least I do. Now I gotta go find that BROWN BUNNY movie and watch Vinnie G get a blowjob.

CATHY'S CURSE (1977)

OK, this is a French movie made in Canada. Basically it's a ridiculous rip-off of THE EXORCIST. The little girl isn't possessed by Satan though just a ghost. So I guess that would kinda make it a rip-off of POLTERGEIST too if that movie was made first that is. As it is it's great for a laugh though. I also smell a little OMEN influence. See a little girl kill people with her evil little rag-doll. See her hang out with her pervy old babysitter drunk grandpa and call this woman a fat cow and a dried up whore. Oh yeah some great scenes of hilarity in this one. I love when cute little girls curse out old people. I guess it's a good thing I'm not the parent of one. So to sum it up I bought this movie for 33 cents and it was worth every penny. Oh yeah and always remember little girls "you're mother's a bitch". Words of wisdom there.

                                               Known in Italy as DAMNED SPELL:

HITCH HIKE (1977)

 Besides LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT this is my fav David Hess movie and besides some of the spaghetti-westerns he's done this is my fav Franco Nero flick. The team-up of these 2 cult stars works great. Clorinne Clery as Franco's wife also does a great job and is naked most of the time which makes for nice scenery. Hess has mentioned in interviews that he was planning on doing more films with director Campanile right before he died. It's really a shame that never happened. So, if ya think it would be groovy to see Hess doing his LAST HOUSE shtick in a well-made Italian thriller this would be the one to check out. Of course this, along with HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK, are the big 3 movies of Hess' career. Franco plays a character pretty dissimilar from most of the ones I've seen him do. He's a bitter married drunk and I find his portrayal very humorous. In fact the more times I watch it the more comedic elements I find, although maybe those are unintentional. It's probably due to director Pasquale's usual forays in silly sex comedies. It's really too bad he didn't make more movies like this.

THX 1138 (1971)

In the end humanity wins out. Sorry for spoiling that for you. What does humanity win though? Watching a sunrise? It's the little things we miss most of all when they're gone. Maybe I'm just putting my own philosophy up over the one presented in the movie but I think that's why I like this movie so much. It doesn't have a strict message. I mean it does argue against the inhumanity of technology. Kind of an ironic argument when you think about the fact that Mr. Lucas is largely responsible for the soulless unimaginative inhuman look of modern movies. Watching this director's cut I was saddened by the inclusion of some very STAR WARSY type of effects added in. They're fleeting but they're there and they stand out so much. This isn't STAR WARS. It's as far as you can get from that movie and still be sci-fi. When I was a kid I would've hated this movie as an adult I know the ideas it's trying to portray. What destroys the spark in someone like George Lucas? Is it age or greed or just a complacency that comes with success? Maybe just a combination of those. Is it just "A love story filmed on location in the 21st century" or does it mean more? Maybe it's just a bunch of future stars ascending to greater monetary success but I see it as a high point in many ways.

DAMIEN: OMEN II (1978)

See a man cut in half! I hadn't watched this one in quite a long time. The 1st movie is, of course, the classic that we all know it to be. This sequel isn't bad though and it keeps ya entertained even if it doesn't really have an ending and just basically sets up part 3. It also plays sorta like a slasher movie with supernatural elements which gives it good marks in my book. Now part 3 I do remember as being pretty bad but I haven't watched that in a long stretch either. So if you wanna see a rehashed version of the original OMEN check this out. It's better than the pointless remake although I do remember liking Mia Farrow in her role as the Satanic nanny. Maybe I just like the whole OMEN-thing enough to give these crappier versions a pass.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984)

Murderous rapist puppet!!? Yes. Chester N. Turner, king of 1980's underground black exploitation movies? Could be. Wow, this thing has production values that would embarrass porno producers. The music is straight from an old 80's Casio keyboard. There's plenty to hate about this thing but you get to see a religious black woman raped and degraded by an ugly dread locked puppet!! The bizarreness factor just overwhelms anything negative I can say and at 70 minutes it's just long enough to not start getting boring. This really needs to be seen to be believed. I know there's a remake/sequel of this coming out soon which from the trailer actually looks like it might even be more bizarre than the original if that's possible. Can't wait for that one.

The opening credits on the other hand are just freakin' absurd. They take almost 7 minutes for chrissakes!! Watch if you dare:

DJANGO STRIKES AGAIN (1987)

DJANGO was a classic western starring Franco Nero. So, being that it was made in Italy, a gazillion rip-off's and unofficial sequels followed. Finally, 20 years later, this official sequel comes. My main problem with this is that it's not a western. While it could have been a good idea to put the character in a different setting, I don't think it works in this. Django is basically turned into Rambo in this. Just take a look at that silly depiction of Nero with the rippling muscly arms up there. The whole thing just comes off as a typical 80's action flick. Being more of a fan of spaghetti-westerns than 80's muscle-head action flicks I suppose I was bound to be disappointed. They even have him spouting off those cliched one-liners while killing bad guys. Ugh! Avoid this and watch the original. DJANGO KILL is a good movie too and features a gang of gay cowboys. Yeah, I should really watch that one next.