VAMPYRES (1974)

 I tend to get all these Euro-lesbian vampire flicks mixed-up in my head.  The movie in my head is awesome since it takes only the best parts from all these films.  VAMPYRES is a Spanish naked lesbian vampire-chick flick which takes place in an old castle.  It's sorta similar to the vastly superior DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS in it's attempt at an artsy bloodsucking tale.  This is directed by Jose Larraz and while I'm generally a bigger fan of Jean Rollin and Jess Franco's works this one is OK despite the fact that it doesn't really have much of a story or an ending at all. Luckily it does have some very bloody bits and lots of full-on nudity to distract you from the fact that nothing much happens besides vampire ladies doing vampire stuff.  Come to think of it I'm not even sure if these ladies are actual vamps since they do a lot of killing with knives and they don't seem to have any super-powers so maybe it's just the story of a couple of nutty psychopaths.

Very unnatural ladies!:

I SPIT ON YOUR CORPSE (1974)

 I think Al Adamson's films have to be rated on a curve since they're generally pretty bad. This one I would rate pretty high and is surprisingly well done and action-packed from a guy who I recall nothing but boredom from in most of his other movies. You get lots of boobs, mafia shenanigans, cat-fights, a tough evil Pam Grier-esque character and even some topless kung-fu here. The other neat thing about this is you have Georgina Spelvin from DEVIL IN MISS JONES starring as a sadistic hit-woman. She's so bad-ass that in one scene she rapes a guy at gunpoint and murders him halfway through. It's too bad she didn't have more roles like this and it's too bad Adamson didn't make more movies that didn't instantly cure insomnia. Original title= GIRLS FOR RENT, AKA FATAL PURSUIT

MPD PSYCHO (2000)

 Japanese director Takashi Miike is kind of hit or miss for me.  There's some stuff by him(AUDITION, ICHI THE KILLER, FUDOH) that I really love a lot and then there's a bunch of his other stuff(GOZU, VISITOR Q, DEAD OR ALIVE) that's at least visually interesting but doesn't really have anything else going for it.  He's basically the Asian equivalent of David Lynch(another guy whose output I find totally uneven). This here made for Japanese TV series would definitely fall into the "it's interesting to look at" category for me but I have no idea what it's about or why I should care about any of the characters.  It's based on a comic book that I've never read and it's a TV mini-series where they optically censor out the gory bits.  Even with this it still seems like something way too bizarre to ever be on public TV in America.  The closest thing here, to carry on the Lynch-comparision, probably would have been TWIN PEAKS but I don't remember that show having women dying with things jammed into their vaginas(at least I think that's what happens, it's all very blurry thanks to Mr. TV-censor).  Only recommended if weird-for-weird's-sake is your cup of tea.     

NIGHT MONSTER (1942)

 Bela Lugosi is top-billed here but he isn't really the star.  He just plays a butler in a house where a bunch of mysterious murders are taking place.  Lionel Atwill is also in here as a doctor but also not a main character.  Besides fooling us with the names of these horror icons the poster also promises us a monster but what you get is more of a whodunnit mystery-type film than any kind of monster movie despite what the title promises.  It does a pretty decent job creating suspense and atmosphere on what I'm assuming was a low-budget(although it was made by Universal studios so maybe I'm wrong about that) but  I probably would have enjoyed this more if a guy in a gorilla suit or a giant bat showed up. The big surprise reveal at the end doesn't really make much logical sense unless you believe in the magical power of swami's or Indian mystics but at least they tried something different there.  Not to be confused with THE NAVY VS. THE NIGHT MONSTERS which came out in the 60's. 

FANTASTIC PLANET (1973)

 Sci-fi meets art film in a French cartoon. Clearly influenced by the psychedelic experimentation of the 60's this is an amazing visual film that I first saw back in the 80's on USA network's Night Flight program along with stuff like REEFER MADNESS and THREE STOOGES shorts back when I'm assuming television was programmed by human beings. The plot involves little tiny humans(or Oms as they're called here) who are kept as pets by these large blue alien types who enjoy meditating and practicing genocide on any humans that aren't domesticated. There's messages about slavery, the importance of knowledge, rebellion and inter-species cooperation. There's also probably a lot more you get out of it if you drop some acid before viewing which I'm guessing was a popular method of ingesting this entertainment when it was originally screened. You should check it out if you're a stoned hippie, an art-fag and or just an Alejandro Jodorowsky fan who wants to see what one of his movies might look like if it was animated.


                                                                         Japan:

France: 

BLIND SWORDSMAN: THE TALE OF ZATOICHI (1962)

 This is the first in the 26 film-long series of Zatoichi, The Blind Swordsman samurai movies and it's probably the one I've gone back and re-watched the most. Although slow in many spots, as they build characters and relationships, I find this one an overall worthwhile watch that I never get bored with. I'm not sure if technically you can lump these samurai flicks into the exploitation genre since they all seem way too artistically and seriously made for that but they do have that same sort of aesthetic(with their own unique Asian flavor added to them) that your better made spaghetti-westerns have(not too mention the obvious elements they share with kung fu movies) so I guess they fit in the upper echelon of b-movie's. There's the typical plot of everyone underestimating our hero and trying to take advantage of him before realizing that he kicks ass. There's some beautiful cinematography in this one especially one stand out scene light by a large moon. If your a fan of Akira Kurosawa art films these are definitely worth checking out for similar thrills and artiness.

IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE (1958)

 This is basically the blueprint for the movie ALIEN done in full 50's rubber-suited monster glory. It takes place in the far flung future year of 1973 when space travel will finally be perfected.It takes your generic monster on the loose story and puts him on a spaceship leaving Mars. Mayhem ensues. It's all fairly well done for this era and has always been one of my personal 50's favorites that I fondly recall watching back on TV as a monster kid before they drastically cut down on the showing of black and white stuff.  The creature's look itself reminds me a bit of THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS which is another of my fav 50's B-movies.

THE SHIP OF MONSTERS (1960)

 The great thing about Mexican horror movies of the 60's is that most of them are pretty batshit crazy and this here is a good example of one of the crazier ones from this era.  It's basically a reversal of the plot of MARS NEEDS WOMEN which could have been titled VENUS NEEDS MEN since it's the story of two Venusian ladies(one recognizable to me as the gal from various Santo and Wrestling Women movies, Lorena Velazquez) on a quest to find suitable men to repopulate Venus after all their males died off.  On their way to Earth they pick up four male monsters from assorted planets.  You get a cyclops, a giant-brained Martian, something that looks like a big hairy insect with fangs who threatens to eat peoples intestines and a dinosaur skull on a stick.  In addition to this ridiculous group our ladies(who always wear bathing suits and one of them turns out to be a vampire-woman) also have a big clunky old-school robot helper and they run into a bumbling singing cowboy who ends up being our hero when things turn bad.  I really appreciate the kitchen-sink aspects of this one.  It mixes sci-fi, horror, comedy, a little music and as long as the main comic-relief character doesn't annoy you too much this one's a good weird watch.

Meet the monsters:
 

THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (1973)

 This is the 8th Dracula movie in the Hammer studios series and while I'm generally more of a fan of the classic Universal monster flicks this one at least gives us some Satan stuff which includes naked gals being sacrificed to Beelzebub and some sexy chained-up vampire chicks to spice things up.  Dracula in this one decides to bring back the plague and wipe out humanity.  I'm not exactly sure what this accomplishes but it does seem pretty evil.  It was the last film with the classic pairing of Christopher Lee as Drac and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing and while they do a good enough job it also has a lot of boring stretches and a pretty uneventful ending involving Dracula fighting a thorn bush.  I think I agree with the general consensus that this is skip-able unless you're a big Hammer films fanatic.  Released in America as COUNT DRACULA AND HIS VAMPIRE BRIDE


                               

                         Played on a groovy double-bill with BLACULA!:

STAR FORCE: FUGITIVE ALIEN II (1987)

 Crappy Japanese STAR WARS rip-off and sequel to FUGITIVE ALIEN which was also a crappy rip-off of that movie.  Both of these made-for-video features by Sandy Frank were edited from a Japanese sci-fi show called STAR WOLF and they both stink.  This one is even worse than the first.  Lots of boring spaceship battles, some laser-blaster fights and a trench battle that coincidentally looks similar to the one in STAR WARS.  Lots of stuff blows up but you won't really care.  The editing together of scenes in a lot of places is pretty mind-boggling.  If you don't watch this on Mystery Science Theater 3000 good luck. 

Snazzy marching music!

LADY FRANKENSTEIN (1971)

 One of my favorite Euro-trash monster-mash flicks. Directed by Mel Welles(Mr. Mushnick from the original LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS) this is the story of Dr. Frankenstein and his daughter who has recently returned from medical school and is eager to get in on the human organ transplant experimenting with her mad doctor dad.  I think one of my favorite things about this movie is the ridiculous creature that Dr. Frank creates.  He's a 7 foot-tall clumsy oaf in platform shoes and stripey pants complete with a bulbous flame-broiled bald head and a goofy face that kinda reminds me of Peter Boyle.  A real fashion plate as far as undead homicidal creatures goes and I never get tired of watching his stumbling rampages.  He seems to have a knack for finding naked women to maul which is pretty cool.  Franks' daughter(played by the beautiful Rosalba Neri. who we get to see a lot of lovely nudity from) uses her sex-appeal to get whatever she wants.  One of my fav porno-name-sounding character actors Herbert Fux(from MARK OF THE DEVIL) gets a big role as a sleazy grave-robber who enjoys the finer things in life like cheap booze and cheap whores.  There's also another creature who's just a retarded man-boy with a more intelligent brain transplanted into his stupid head so we get a nice monster battle at the end and, of course, they didn't forget the angry torch-wielding villagers.  All in all I find this to be a neat updated Universal horror-inspired film with a sleazy Eurohorror-vibe that works for me.

JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER (1966)

 This played on a double-bill with the similarly crappy BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA and FRANK'S DAUGHTER is slightly better than that one but that's not really saying much.  You get a hybrid of a western and a horror film as Frankenstein's daughter(actually the daughter of the son of Frankenstein) ends up in the old west and Jesse James comes along with a musclebound friend that she fancies for experimental purposes.  It's not a very good example of either one of those genres though.  Our monster gets the old skullcap with stitches look and a Mexican girl ends up being the hero of the film.  This was directed by the great William "One Shot" Beaudine who made over 350 movies including a bunch of those old Bowery Boys flicks and this might have been a lot better if Sach or Mahoney showed up.
 There's a DVD with Joe Bobs Briggs commentary that make this movie a lot more entertaining and is probably the best way to view it.

 

THE BLOOD SPATTERED BRIDE (1972)

 In my head I always mix this title up with Mario Bava's HATCHET FOR THE HONEYMOON but this one is a little different then the standard ultra-stylish murder mystery that Bava is known for. It's also Spanish and not Italian and contains a more supernatural vampire angle or it might just be the story of a newlywed bride who's a little screwy in the head. This is kinda left up to the viewer's interpretation of events. It's got some gory bits(mostly in dreams/fantasies), blood-drinking, a little girl and guy's crotch gets shotgunned and a little lesbianism is thrown in for the perverts. The fantasy and the did they or didn't they happen?-dream sequences keep this one from being one of my favs but it has it's own cool Eurohorror vibe that makes it an OK watch but not up to the Bava quality.

Played on the frenzy of blood double feature with I DISMEMBER MAMA which had one of the strangest trailers ever made:

SCHOOLGIRL REPORT 3: WHAT PARENTS FIND UNTHINKABLE (1972)

 The first two SCHOOLGIRL REPORT flicks are pretty light-hearted German pseudo-documentaries with silly little skits in which young people discover the joys of sex and being liberated.  By the time they got to this third chapter I guess they decided to spice things up a little with some violence thrown into the mix.  There's a couple of rape scenes, an abduction, a suicide and a guy even gets murdered just because he decided to have sex at Oktoberfest.  There's also a lot of defense of full grown men who molest girls that are supposed to be around 14-16 years old which I don't think I will be seeing in too many more modern films.  There's one fellow that I recognize from everyone of these and he is a goofy looking fellow with a nervous twitch that you wouldn't expect to see in anything sex-related and he is by far my favorite male character in these stupid little supposedly educational excuses to show tons of naked young European gals.  While I think Japan had some wilder, more entertaining stuff coming out at this time these are at least mildly entertaining in their own way. 
 The DVD I have of this cuts out  about 12 minutes which involve a naked 12 year old male actor being chased around by his cousin or something which I guess would be frowned upon in the U.S. even though there's no sex in this scene.    AKA SCHOOLGIRLS GROWING UP



SCHOOLGIRL REPORT 3 : WHAT PARENTS FIND UNTHINKABL… - MyVideo

I LOVE IT FROM BEHIND! (1981)

 Japanese soft-core Roman porno flick that features a gal whose goal is to sleep with 100 men and take ink-blot prints of all their penises.  An endeavor that would only exist to move the plot of a silly sex film along I'm sure.  You get lesbian antics, loads of Japanese nudity, dildo and vegetable fucking, bondage, pubic-hair shaving, Guinness world record-breaking marathon sex sessions and some strange views on homosexuality.  According to this film a lady can become a lesbian if she gets tied up, has her pussy shaved and her clothes torn off with a straight razor.  The "cure" for this dreaded malady is to get revenge on her attacker by tying him up, shaving him and shoving a vibrating dildo up his anus and, of course by the logic in this film, in doing this he, in turn, becomes gay.  Besides these elements which will undoubtedly make members of the LBGT community angry this is a pretty light-hearted sexploitation romp featuring enough perky Asian nipples to keep me interested.  It's also only a little over an hour long which is about the perfect run-time for something like this.

FISTFUL OF LEAD (1970)

 This is one of the Sartana spaghetti-westerns starring George Hilton(many of them starred Giulano Gemma also).  Erika Blanc appears in her usual sexy role.  This is an OK but kinda standard tale of a bounty hunter in the old west.  The main thing that makes it stand out to me is the villain is a fancy-pants, potentially gay fellow named Sabbath who goes around carrying a white parasol and reading Shakespeare when not ruthlessly gunning down old men.  There's also a bandit named Machete way before that Danny Trejo movie and Sartana makes an unexpected bread-gun by hiding a pistol in a loaf.  Another interesting thing is a game of whiskey-checkers that I've seen in more than one of these old Euro-westerns that I might have to try out some day when I feel like getting wasted.  AKA I AM SARTANA, TRADE YOUR GUNS FOR A COFFIN and SARTANA'S HERE... TRADE YOUR PISTOL FOR A COFFIN and SARTANA'S COMING, GET YOUR COFFINS READY

The big showdown:

JOHN DIES AT THE END (2012)

 Got to see this in a theater with director Don Coscarelli in attendance the other night and while I've enjoyed pretty much all of Coscarelli's other films that I've seen and he seems like a nice enough guy, this was a pretty awful movie.  It did seem to be a hit with the audience I was in so maybe if you're in your 20's or younger and a big fan of video games and don't care about things like plots or pacing of a film or coherent narratives or ideas that go anywhere this might be the film for you.  I will give the filmmakers credit for at least trying to mix a few different genres together(comedy, horror, sci-fi, fantasy) in an effort to make something different I just don't think it works in any way, at least not for me.  There's a monster made of meat products, a mix of practical and shitty cgi effects, very handsome leading characters you couldn't care less about and a bunch of inconsequential stuff happens.  This is based on a book that I'm told is way better than the movie and practically unfilmable the way it's written which would explain all the ridiculous elements that are never resolved or explained so maybe the first problem was the idea to make this into a movie at all.  While watching this I couldn't help but think that actor Paul Giamatti would have been a way bigger star back in the 70's when acting mattered, everyone didn't have to look like a pretty-boy and they made real films.  I'm gonna go get drunk and watch PHANTASM now to get this out of my head.