THE PLAYBOYS (1970)

 This cheapie 70s porn flick might have the most simplistic plot ever outside of peepshow loops, and even some of those may have had more story than this. This porn star from Australia named Pete Dawson has a problem with too many ladies to bang so he hides them each in a different room and humps them in tandem unbeknownst to each other. That's pretty much it until towards the end when his pal, Johnny "Wadd" Holmes(although I believe this was made before JOHNNY WADD), calls up and he invites Mr. Wadd over to lend a helping hand(or cock in this case). Spoiler alert: it all ends with all the chicks leaving our protagonist when they get a look at Holmes' giant schvonce. So I guess the moral is don't let your friend bang your gal pals if he has a bigger dick than you? Luckily this thing runs a little under an hour. Strangely it seems to go from hardcore to softcore from scene to scene and all of Mr. Holmes bits seem simulated. Mostly just a waste of time. AKA THE SWINGING PLAYBOY

                                             Holmes' giant schlong attracts all the gals!!:

EUGENIE (1973)

 Super sleazy Eurotrash director Jess Franco makes what might be his sleaziest film ever! Not to be confused with Franco's earlier EUGENIE film from 1970 with Cristopher Lee, this French/German co-production tells the story of young Eugenie(Soledad Miranda(credited on some prints under the name Susan Korda)) who follows her step-dad(Paul Muller) down the dark road of torture and murder of the innocent for kicks. Oh and  they're also lovers when they're not planning out snuff movie scenarios or chatting about how Eugenie's mom was killed by her just a little too jealous for his own good father-figure. As you may have guessed things don't exactly go smoothly for this pair of incestuous nuts. Franco here manages to mix the horror film with the erotic thriller(mostly due to star Soledad Miranda's amazing appearance) and come out with something repulsive yet watchable for fans of the offbeat and slimy. Franco himself also appears as the not-quite a hero, but not-quite an accomplice grimy little author who follows the pair around in what is either admiration or just fodder for his own stories or maybe both. Overall a fashionable slice of euro-grossness.  AKA EUGENIE DE SADE and DE SADE 2000

The soothing sounds of perversion!:

MUTANT (1984)

 I'd seen this movie way back in the 80s on glorious VHS and even had a big-ass Vestron video poster of it on my wall. That didn't stop me from promptly forgetting all about it though. It's not that it's a bad film it's just that there were so many gorier and more memorably insane zombie flicks from this era that occupied my teeny brain. Like this one. Re-watching it today I couldn't help but think that this is what that GRINDHOUSE movie PLANET TERROR would be like if it you cut all of the retarded parts out of it. Even though there's not much in the way of bloody spectacle there are some cool elements here including a liquor-fueled Bo Hopkins as the sheriff, a gang of hillbilly no-goodnick bad-asses and they even dare to kill a kid which is something you rarely saw even back in the crazy 80s. There's also some stupid things the main one being why are these the sneakiest zombies(yes, I know they are technically "mutants" but they sure seem like zombies to me) ever? I mean they're supposed to be these blood-starved maniacal monsters but they hide around in the dark twiddling their thumbs until someone stumbles upon them and then they spring into action? Also it takes what seems like forever for these creatures to actually show up which is a bit of a drag.
 While there's a good chance I will forget this one again quickly I guess it's not a bad choice to rewatch it every few decades or so. AKA NIGHT SHADOWS



                                                That tag-line doesn't really make any sense!:

SHOT ON LOCATION (1972)

 This porn flick spoofs the behind-the-scenes antics of a film crew with, of course, lots of screwing and sucking. There's lesbianism, Rene Bond(looking especially cute with her big chipmunk cheeks) giving head, badly simulated underage sex and some not very funny attempts at comedy and it's all set to some soothing acoustic 70s jams. While not the greatest 70s porn flick and it's all very basic set-ups (housewife has sex with the pool boy, cheating husband, director's casting couch etc.) it's still the early 70s so I guess maybe this wasn't as totally cliched as it seems now plus it's only an hour long which is a good thing. There's also a surprise ending which gives the title extra relevance!

                                                        Some high-tech credits!!:

Director John Donne aka Don Greer was also responsible for the bizarre ALICE IN ACIDLAND and this biker porn.

SENSUAL ENCOUNTERS OF EVERY KIND (1978)

 I assumed, because of the CLOSE ENCOUNTERS-rip-off title and outer-spacey-looking movie poster that this would be some type of sci-fi porn deal, like SEX WORLD, but what you actually get is the story of some ancient piece of magical jewelry that makes people want to bang the wearer of such. So basically what this is a collection of unrelated sex scenes where the same necklace shows up. Not the most thrilling scenario or plot but I guess if you just want to see some random 70s porn clips with various classic porn stars then these are filmed well enough and the DVD from Vinegar Syndrome looks really good and crisp.

ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER (1969)

 I gave this film a pretty crappy review way back in 2012 when I caught it in a theater in New York City. Having re-watched it again recently at home under the ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER title I had almost the exact opposite reaction to it. Not sure if it was because of a shitty film-print, the alternate title being that different? or the many beers I consumed before I first watched this way back when making me extra surly, but I'm gonna just treat this like a first time viewing and write about it all fresh-like:
 This might be the most stylish of director Lucio Fulci's earlier films. Not really being a huge fan of some of his other films from this era I was a bit surprised to find this one very entertaining. This may have quite a bit to do with the super sexy Marissa Mell(best known to me as Diabolik's chick from DANGER: DIABOLIK) in the lead female role which is actually two different roles, or is it? While I suppose this is technically a giallo, it's really only barely a giallo with only one death for most of the film and it plays out as more of a straight-on mystery. You do get the twisty ending and a big reveal but it's more concerned with the journey of  a cheating husband(Jean Sorel)  and his attempt to solve the puzzle of his murdered wife. We go through a snazzy stripclub, an artsy photography studio and all over San Francisco and Paris which all show off some striking visuals that I wasn't so sure Mr. Fulci had in him. All in all I think this might be my new favorite Fulci from before he became the blood-soaked gorefather we all know and love.

 

THE NEW KIDS (1985)

 Kinda weird to see Lori Loughlin as a high-school kid here since I really only know here as Aunt Becky on FULL HOUSE, which came just a couple of years later, but if you want to see Aunt Becky, and her brother(Shannon Presby as Loren, who not only has a girl's name in real life but also in this movie!!)), get brutalized, almost raped and almost burned alive by a gang of rednecks and then gets some sweet vengeance then this is the film for you. Director Sean Cunningham, best know for FRIDAY THE 13th, does a decent enough job here in what is basically a dramatic thriller with some very slight horror elements(mostly involving a pitbull who rips out necks) here and there. While it may have worked better for me as a full-on rape/revenge epic it's all a little too tame for that and the super-80s soundtrack can be quite grating at times it's still done well enough and all the actors, including Eric Stoltz and James Spader(as our main hillbilly psycho-bully) do a really good job with what they're given to do. As a bonus it ends with a very slasher-movie-esque stinger that sorta hints at a sequel that never happened.



                                                 The more boring U.S.A. poster:

                                                   AKA STRIKING BACK:

THEATER OF BLOOD (1973)

 Vincent Price overacts his ass off in this tale of a Shakespearean actor who fakes his own suicide and then goes about getting bloody revenge on the critics who gave him scathing reviews throughout the years. He's assisted by his daughter, Diana Rigg(that lady from the old British AVENGERS program), who wears some ridiculously unconvincing disguises as she tries to pass for a man several times. His vengeance consists of using deaths from various Shakespeare plays and improvising a bit when necessary. You get a few quite gruesome moments for such a classy flick(classy because it was filmed in England where people seemed classier to me anyway) including decapitation, a dude stabbed to death by dirty bums and a guy's heart ripped out of his chest. I imagine this would have been one of Price's favorite roles to play because he gets to do so much over-the-top stuff here, including my favorite the super-gay, afro-wearing hair-stylist, so that's fun to watch. There's obviously some similarities with the plot to the DR. PHIBES films but I think I like those better since this one has a long runtime(almost 2 hours) and towards the end you certainly feel it. I've also seen this film, and PHIBES, blamed for the "torture-porn" crap like SAW that came years later but that's like comparing pizza to a pile of dog-shit. AKA THEATRE OF BLOOD(classy spelling!)

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (1972)

 The animal-run-amok genre reaches it's ridiculous zenith right here with this story of mutated giant rabbits that get a hankering for ripping folks(and horses!) apart with their big buck teeth. They do a good job, in the poster and trailer, of hiding the fact that the movie is actually about big killer bunnies by giving it this title that uses a term for rabbits that no one has used since ancient Rome. I guess the average film-goer in the 70s wouldn't waste their money on such a ridiculous premise but that really is the sole reason for checking this one out. I mean it's almost like they tried to find the cutest animal they could, outside of some kittens or puppies, and then try to make them seem ominous by adding some lion roars and and foaming mouths. They did give this one an all-star cast which includes PSYCHO shower-gal. Janet Leigh and Dr. McCoy from STAR TREK(DeForest Kelley) because even though this is obviously stupid idea for a movie everyone involved still gave it their all to pull it off as much as possible unlike something  more modern like SHARKNADO or MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS which I have no idea why anyone would bother watching since the filmmakers can't even be bothered to attempt to make a real movie so why should I care?


       
       
  Germany and Austria weren't as careful in hiding what species the cuddly killers were:

Elvis Lepus double-feature!!:

Just as scary as a rattlesnake!!:

THE SEARCH FOR WENG WENG (2007)

 If you've been amazed by the antics of the world's smallest secret agent, Weng Weng, in films like FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY and THE IMPOSSIBLE KID, then you owe it to yourself to check out this in-depth search into the true-life story behind this incredible little fellow. While I had been warned that Weng's experiences weren't all happiness and stardom I think the film does a good job of not being bogged down in the negativity and bitterness of his treatment and does a balanced job of showing how Weng should represent overcoming ridiculous odds to make something of yourself(or maybe in this case not to feel too exploited by greedy bastards that prey on the weak!). While most of the film works to shine light on some obscure film history (and Imelda Marcos' insanity!) it all ends on a very sentimental note.
 One of the saddest things to me, with no silver-lining, in this whole movie was finding out that a majority of crazy Filipino cinema has been lost to the ages due to shitty storage practices and general lack of interest. In fact it seems that most of Weng's films don't exist anymore which really makes those few that we can see even more cherished(at least by insane-cinema lovers like myself).

SHE FREAK (1967)

 As a big fan of the weirdo 1930s film FREAKS it's hard not to also love this 1960s re-interpretation. The great David Friedman, who stopped collaborating with the great director HG Lewis a couple of years before this, wrote, produced, and even appears in, this tale of a poor desperate waitress who gets employed with the traveling(although they seem to only travel around one area of Florida where this was filmed) carnival/sideshow. The only problem is that she vehemently hates all the freaks who comprise the "freak show". You get a midget, snake-fondling, some burlesk(yes, they spell it that way!) strip-teasing, blood, a whole gaggle of monstrous-looking folks and, if you've seen FREAKS before, you know it all has to end with some good old-fashioned revenge and a quote from the bible about "vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord".
 While this movie is generously filled with padded/boring scenes of amusement park rides being assembled/disassembled that might put you to sleep the rest of the runtime is engaging enough for lovers of the weird side of cinema and for what's basically a remake they make it different enough from the original that it's not pointless unlike almost every remake made in the last 25 years.
 AKA ALLEY OF NIGHTMARES and FREAKS! There's also a recut version titled ASYLUM OF THE INSANE which apparently had some 3-D scenes added to it which sounds like a pretty awesome idea to me!




                                                   Every woman can be a She Freak!!!

On an amazing quadruple bill with an added "S"!!: