PRIVATE HOUSE OF THE SS (1977)

 So this strange, seemingly-homosexual, wannabe fuhrer Nazi officer(Gabriele Carrara) sets up a whorehouse towards the end of World War II. Maybe the weirdest thing about this film, which features lotsa Euro-bush and boobs on display, is the whore training sequences which include stuff like leap-frog lessons and gun-fight training which never comes in to play the rest of the film. Obviously this is trash-director Bruno Mattei's version of SALON KITTY minus all the artsy aspects and being a classic. The "beast in heat"(Salvatore Baccaro) from that classic nazisploitation flick THE BEAST IN HEAT puts in a cameo, there's an evil doctor character(Luciano Pigozzi) who looks like Howard Vernon but isn't. There's suicides galore, whippings, beatings, s & m hi-jinks, hinted-at bestiality, sex with a deformed fellow and some classic Bach fugue organ monster music thrown in for good measure. If you're looking for that downer cinema vibe this will be your bag. AKA SS GIRLS

                                 This DVD cover really pushes the doggie sex aspects!:

RAGING PHOENIX (2009)

 A chopsokey flick that features some really stupid looking break-dancing-style kung fu. I guess it's supposed to be a mix of muay-thai and drunken-monkey-style but it comes off kinda wonky. The wacky dubbing of the characters using this style sure doesn't help take things very seriously either. There's a gang of fighters on bouncy stilts with sharpened blades on them that was definitely something I'd never seen before and I will say the fighting is unique if not very realistic. There's a very thin and weird plot about battling a ring of kidnappers that target women that they then harvest their tears to make perfume? At least I think was the plot since I admittedly dozed off a couple of times during the middle half off this from the repetitious nature of everything.  Unfortunately it takes almost 2 hours to wrap things up which felt very padded out but if you're a fan of very long fight scenes, or strong female fighters. since there's a few on display(in addition to star Jija Yanin there's end-baddie body-builder Roongtawan Jindasing), I guess check it out.
 This is star Yanin's follow-up film to CHOCOLATE, the story of a "special needs" gal who is also a master of the martial arts. I have not seen that one yet but it looks like it may be worth a watch.
 In Germany this was re-titled as FIGHTING BEAST 2 making it a sequel to a completely unrelated Thai movie. 

THE SHADOW BOXER (1974)

  As is often the case this kung-fu flick has a pretty generic plot involving a student of tai-chi(Chen Wo-Fu), who is taught to never use his abilities for fighting but only in self-defense, whose has to get some butt-kicking revenge after his master is assassinated. There's rape, heads smashed against rocks and a pretty epic showdown. Well done enough to get you to root for our crapped-upon hero even though it's pretty standard stuff the Shaw Brothers studio puts it's usual gloss on things.
 Interestingly star Chen went on to commit suicide before this movie was even released. I think he does a pretty admirable job. Sadly it was the only thing he was the featured star in.

SUPERVAN (1977)

 I think the main thing people seem to remember about this one is that it features a cameo by drunken poet Charles Bukowski, in one of many party scenes, as the wet t-shirt water boy. It should probably also be remembered as part of the very short-lived vansploitation sub-genre(which is basically just this movie and 1977's THE VAN). The plot here, what little there is of one, concerns a van competition that our hero(Mark Schneider, who would go on to be in a bunch of T.V. productions) enters with the help of his nerdy scientist friend who has built a solar-powered van that is somehow miraculously imbued with super powers from the Sun. The movie kinda meanders around a lot, there's some rapey bikers that show up a couple of times, boobs get shown and there's lots of partying. It's very 70's that way so if you're not into that this one will likely be pretty dull even with all the sweet vans on display.
 The "Supervan" was built by legendary automobile designer George Barris(who created the 60's Batmobile among many other famous cars) who shows up as a judge at the big van freak-out competition.

   Not featuring that "Making Love in My Chevy Van" song but an incredible simulation!:


 

                                                      Ad from TRUCKIN' magazine!:

PRIVATE SCHOOL (1974)

 Probably best known under the its original title THE SINGLE GIRLS this is a bit of a weird sexploitation flick that is unexpectedly almost equal parts a slasher movie(or I guess a proto-slasher since this is 1974 and all). The setting is this oddball new-age-type resort where strangers fondle each other in the dark to learn about relationships or something. Then someone starts offing people in various ways including, most memorably, a garden hoe to the face. It is all fairly tame by more modern slasher movie standards though and ultimately pretty forgettable stuff. There is a good bit of nudity and attractive ladies on display though including the great Claudia Jennings from GATOR BAIT.


Re-titled as BLOODY FRIDAY for VHS to capitalize on it's more slashery aspects!:

THE HUMAN MONSTER (1939)

 So Bela Lugosi plays an insurance salesman named Dr. Orloff who sells policies to folks that he is the sole beneficiary of and then has them killed off by his big ugly blind henchman named Jake(the titular Human Monster?). You see, as is pretty common in films from this era, Lugosi is also a mad-scientist-type on the side who can make bombs out of beakers full of liquid and that sort of thing. Oh and he's also a master of disguise which comes in very handy when he's found out.(so maybe he's the real 'Human Monster' after all)
 I think this movie does a fairly decent job of conveying how outward signs of morality and generosity don't necessarily mean that a wholesome character lies beneath the surface. Then again maybe casting Lugosi, who always seems a bit ominous even when he's smiling, might not have been the most inspired casting to convey this idea. It is pretty obvious who is committing all these homicides throughout and it makes Orloff appear kinda naive thinking he was going to get away with it for very long. Luckily it wraps everything up in just 74 minutes, so that's a big plus.
 Originally released in England as THE DARK EYES OF LONDON. Whereupon it was rated H for horrific!(there is one fairly gruesome, for the time anyway, drowning scene by our crazed Orloff) Jess Franco musta been a fan since he loved using the Dr. Orloff name quite often. There was a German remake in 1961 as THE DEAD EYES OF LONDON.   




                                                      Beautiful Turkish poster!:

and beautiful clunky artwork on the Super 8 version (which I assume is some kinda 15 minute long condensed edition): 

I bet every kid in 1939 was just dying to be Jake for Halloween!:

REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS (1986)

 Former lead singer of The Plasmatics and all-around legendary punk rock goddess Wendy O. Williams really should have made more movies. As it is she is really the highlight, to me anyway, of this film. In what is basically a spoof of the women-in-prison genre Wendy can't help but stand out among the other very high hair-sprayed gals at this reform school. Other highlights include a kitten-stomping monster of a women(Pat Ast) as our head guard and the great Sybil Danning as the head warden(unfortunately her role was originally written for a man so she tragically stays very dressed throughout the film). Lots of explodey action goes on, you get the mandatory shower scene. lots of pantie shots and it all culminates with a KING KONG-ending. Pretty perfect for something so goofy. Luckily it never falls as low as one of those Troma films from this same era.
 Director Tom DeSimone previously made THE CONCRETE JUNGLE which was a pretty good women-in-prison flick in it's own right but more on the serious side.
 There's a 1950's REFORM SCHOOL GIRL that really has very little in common with this one.

EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000 (1983)

 ROAD WARRIOR-rip-off film from Italy. This one unfortunately features a little kid, though he's not as overly annoying(besides his absurd New Yawk accent) as most of the kids in these Italo-horror/sci-fi flicks tend to be. Pretty action-packed, a kid gets his arm ripped off, which is something you won't see in any American films, heads roll and people have wacky names like Trash and Alien so it feels like you're watching a biker movie(oh and there are post-apocalyptic bikers of the future). Good 80's synth-pop soundtrack also helps. Excellent flick to watch with a few friends and some adult beverages.
 Director Giuliano Carnimeo(hiding out here under the Americanized name of Jules Harrison) previously made a whole bunch of spaghetti-westerns, and that groovy CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS giallo as Anthony Ascott.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN SHANGHAI (2014)

This modern kung fu flick is a remake of 1972's Shaw Brothers classic BOXER FROM SHANTUNG which I sadly still need to see. I hope in that one everything is not colored different tones of grey and looks so drab that suicide seems like a better option than existing in the world these characters occupy. Since it wasn't shot digitally, like this, but on actual film I'm probably pretty safe. Besides this terrible trait the action scenes here are decent enough, even though they all rely heavily on looking like something from THE MATRIX(thanks to stunt coordinator Yeun Wo-Ping who did the stunts for THE MATRIX) like a lot of modern films do and remind me more of a cartoon than anything I'm supposed to take seriously. Sammo Hung does a good job in what little he gets to do. Main star Philip Ng has a sort of Bruce Lee look(he would go on to play Bruce in the bio-pic BIRTH OF THE DRAGON in 2016) so that helps. The best thing I can say about this is that it has inspired me to go back and catch up on some 70's fu flicks that I've missed.

Even the trailer looks washed-out as hell and practically black & white!:

NEW WORLD (2013)

 Modern Korean movies are all way too long and here's another example of that. There's a lot of talky talk parts that could probably be cut down quite a bit to help this. Saying that though I did find this one to be a pretty engaging epic of Korean mafia action. There are some pretty brutal scenes including a guy who gets his head sawed off by a large knife(offscreen) and a poor undercover lady cop who ends up in a barrel. One scene in particular, which takes place in an elevator with one quite tough guy vs. a whole bunch of knife-wielding fellows determined to finish him, is reminiscent of the hammer fight bit in OLDBOY. Of course also reminiscent of OLDBOY is it's star(Choi Min-sik) who has a pretty big role here and is great as an aging policeman. All the acting in this thing is topnotch and the mobsters vs. undercover cops story is done very well so I'll let it's lengthiness slide. There is a weird ending involving a flashback which does feel sorta unnecessary though and seems added on just to test my endurance. For a modern film though this beats pretty much anything made recently in the cesspool of Hollywood. 

BRUTE CORPS (1971)

 Character actor Alex Rocca really stands out here in this tale of a group of badass mercenaries who don't mind getting a little rapey and a little murdery when the opportunity arises. Some bikers show up briefly but don't fare much better than a couple of hippies that bear the brunt of our unruly gang of murderous hooligan's wrath throughout most of the film. A Mexican town is also the setting of some hi-jinks including trying to buy a bartenders daughter. Pretty obscure title that's worth seeking out for 70's exploitation thrills after you're done with all the more well-known rape/revenge titles.

 

GOTHIC (1986)

 Remember that opening scene from THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN? Well Ken Russell made a whole movie out of that same evening. This time around though there's way more drug use, homosexuality and general craziness because it's now 1986 and you can film that kinda stuff if you're Ken Russell. The FRANKENSTEIN story doesn't really get brought up until the end and the whole film is more about spoiled rich people getting wacky. I've watched this one a few times over the years but I'm still not sure if I would recommend it to anyone. It is an interesting concept to explore and the visuals are exciting to watch but the whole thing seems like it could have been wrapped up in about 15 minutes. Still if you're a classic horror fan it's probably worth at least one viewing.


  

THE HAND THAT FEEDS THE DEAD (1974)

 The main reason I took a chance on this Italian horror flick is because it stars the great Klaus Kinski in the lead role of a mad scientist. I guess technically he's the mad-scientist's assistant, but since the original mad-scientist(named Ivan Rssimov in some kinda weird tribute to the Italian actor with that same name) is dead before the film even begins he gets promoted and gets himself a new assistant in the form of a demented, rape-happy hunchbacked fellow(Erol Tas, who mostly appeared in Turkish cinema). Things pretty much follow the EYES WITHOUT A FACE path with some fairly gory operation scenes of skin transplants and a body with it's face peeled completely off. Kinski, for his part, is fairly restrained here which is unfortunate and drags the movie down a bit. There is some lesbianism thrown in which is nice. Worth at least one watch for Eurotrash-cinema people but probably not something I will ever revisit.
 Also in 1974 director Sergio Garrone made another movie with pretty much the same cast as this, very similar character names and reused some of the same footage called LOVER OF THE MONSTER. I might need to see if Klaus is any more lively in that one.
 Released on DVD as EVIL FACE(which I guess is a good description of Mr. Kinski)


                                                           Knee gore!:

ALIAS THE CHAMP (1949)

 The only movie starring legendary pro-wrestler Gorgeous George. It's mostly just a story about mobsters trying to infiltrate the wrasslin' business though and focuses on a detective(Robert Rockwell) trying to stop this and solve a wrassler's murder. This might have been due to George not being the greatest actor in the world(outside of the ring anyway). A few other real life wrestler's show up including Sammy Menacker and the great Tor Johnson, under his Super Swedish Angel moniker. Sadly Tor is only in one big brawling scene but he would go on to meet Ed Wood and the rest is crap-movie history. The film overall is pretty simple but it breezes by in just 1 hour so check it out for some old-timey grapplin' action.
 I can't help but believe that this was an influence on those later Mexican Santo films since it basically follows the same blueprint without the comic-book super-heroics and monsters that they would throw in to help spice things up.

                With bonus pro wrestling short SCRAMBLED LEGS!:

DEMONS 2 (1986)

 Like many sequels this one, by the same director(Lamberto Bava), is just a crappier version of the first movie. It replaces the cool theatrical setting with an apartment building that our demons get to run amuck in. Asia Argento makes her film debut at 11 years old, a monster from GHOULIES shows up at one point for no reason and not much of what happens makes  a whole lot of sense. It's still the best of the DEMONS sequels and that's mostly due to the great Bobby Rhodes returning, except instead of playing a pimp this time he's a personal trainer which is not quite as cool. The blood and gore is present but not in as copious amounts as DEMONS. If you're really into the original though I'm sure you've at least seen this one and it's a good place to stop with the sequels.

GATOR BAIT (1973)

 Got a chance to check this one out at a recent theatrical showing. Having never seen it before, but having viewed directors Beverly and Ferd Sebastian's earlier THE HITCHHIKERS just a few days before, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. Luckily this one was way better than their previous film. It had a real I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE feeling to it all in that special way only very rapey 70's cinema can. Of course it never gets quite as lurid as I SPIT... but there's still s shotgun to a vagina, lots of swampy gun-fu and tons of revenge. So if sister-humping Cajun rednecks are you're thing give this a look.
 Star Claudia Jennings, who is amazing in this, her greatest role, went on to be in a  bunch of 70's exploitation films and various T.V. series, apparently even coming close to being in CHARLIE'S ANGELS, before being tragically killed in a car crash.
 There is a sequel that didn't come out, on video, until way later in 1988. I hear good things about that one though shot-on-video is not a tempting phrase at all.

PREMUTOS: THE FALLEN ANGEL (1997)

 One of the goriest things you will see outside of one of those early Peter Jackson films. This is a German gorefest zombie flick directed by Olaf Ittenbach, a fellow who's made a career at creating disturbing imagery on film. I've only seen 3 of his films so far, THE BURNING MOON and DARD DIVORCE, and this one is definitely the goofiest of that trio. It's the story of some time-traveling demon who's brought back once again thanks to some corpse-reviving elixir. The plot is not all that important though because the spectacle of exploding heads, chainsawed limbs, crushed testicles and tons of other monstrous acts of violence are the main draws here. The hilariously awful dubbing is also a plus. A convenient body count tally at the end puts the kills at 117 and that's good enough for me. The onyl downside might be the burnout you will feel around the 80 minute mark from all the zombie killing. This could have been edited down a bit from it's girthy 106-minute running time and it would probably leave you feeling more satisfied. Still a good watch with some friends and some booze. AKA PREMUTOS: LORD OF THE LIVING DEAD

SLAYGROUND (1983)

 This is one of those VHS boxes I recall seeing a bunch in the video store as a kid but never felt the need to actually watch it until just recently. It's definitely not a necessity but has a few interesting twists to it.  It starts out pretty straight-forward with some criminal-types who mistakenly kill a little girl making their getaway from an armored car robbery. It then becomes revenge city but not in the way you would expect. Our sympathies throughout the film are with the head criminal, played by Peter Coyote(who I'm not too familiar with but I love his name), because the assassin that is hired to track him down seems like a way worse person. The film ultimately seems a bit far-fetched in spots but there are a few cool set-pieces here and there. Fairly middle-of-the-road stuff.

THE HITCHHIKERS (1972)

 Not much of a plot to this one. It tells the story of this stupid hippie chick who gets pregnant and then runs away from home and then runs into a group of criminal hitchhikers. The group seems to be vaguely influenced by The Manson family though there's no murder or Helter Skelter going on and it's all pretty lighthearted outside of numerous armed robberies. There is one rape scene but it's over pretty quickly and not particularly gratuitous. It's all very leisurely paced and the editing lingers in a lot of weird places. Probably only worth a look for hardcore 70's aficionados that just wanna watch some hippie frolicking. Maybe the weirdest thing about this one is the songs which are basically just a folk singer narrating what we are seeing on the screen while playing his guitar.


 

THE PHANTOM KUNG FU (1979)

 This Taiwanese kung fu flick starts out playing it straight with the Mings vs. the Qings in a rebellion situation. Then they introduce the goofy-ass bumbling comedic character and then to top that we get a guy who looks like a monkey and does monkey-style kung fu who's named, naturally, Drunken Monkey. This one had potential with it's mixing of horror elements(a ghost keeps showing up, but is it really a ghost or is our main bad guy just going bonkers?) and martial arts but it's never really all that exciting. Too much exposition early on and the goofy second half make for a pretty disjointed viewing experience. Also the ending, involving quadruplets is really absurd. The bad guy has a cool moustache though. AKA THESE HANDS DESTROY (this is in reference to the bad guys "death palm" technique where his hands smoke before he gives you the deadly "palm strike of death"!) and MANTIS IN THE MONKEY'S SHADOW

CRACZY HORSE & INTELLIGENT MONKEY (1981)

         

                            "You get your ass out of here or we'll beat the shit out of you!"

 No, that's not a typo up there in the heading, that's the actual onscreen title of this kung fu flick. How they managed to spell the word 'intelligent' correctly but not 'crazy" I'm not sure. I guess proofreading was not big in Hong Kong at the time.
 So there's these two nitwits and one of them is good at kung fu. The other one, Kwok Choi Hon, is a skinny little weirdo that sorta looks like an anorexic Popeye with a very new wave haircut. I recognize this fellow from a bunch of small roles in various kung fu movies as he has a rather large filmography.  This is one of the few ones were he's one of the main characters though as far as I can recall. They go on various adventures and end up learning horse and monkey-style kung fu respectively in order to get revenge for a murder mom. There's not much that stands out about this one besides our little monkey dude flopping around and some weird dubbing full of saucy language.

DRUNKEN TAI CHI (1984)

 This comedy kung-fu flick is the first Donnie Yen movie and might also be the only kung fu movie that has a tai chi master train his pupil by playing basketball(with a yin/yang colored ball no less). It's a very cartoonish film with people getting blown-up by explosives and just ending up looking like Elmer Fudd after he gets shot in the face.  While I've never been a big fan of Donnie Yen this first role might be my favorite of his starring vehicles. You get puppet-fu, bicycle-fu, the aforementioned Basketball-fu, drunken-fu and fat-lady-fu among other oddball touches. Director Yeun Woo-Ping, probably best known nowadays for his stunt-directing work on KILL BILL and THE MATRIX, does a decent job of keeping the action moving along nicely. Definitely one of the better fu flicks I've seen lately as I work my way through an ominously large box set of similar films.
 Apparently there's a Taiwanese cut of this film with a couple of different scenes including one with some chicken-fu!


                                 Weird game of paint your opponent's face:

REAL SOULJA (1984)

 More commonly known under the way better title of THE VIOLENT BREED this might be the worst movie directed by Fernando Di Leo that I've seen so far. It starts off like a typical euro-war flick set in Vietnam and then turns into the story of a CIA agent(Harrison Muller) on a mission to take down his old buddy from the war(Woody Strode) who is now a drug-running gangster still in Southeast Asia. There are a lot of exploding huts but Mr. Muller doesn't make for the most compelling action hero and the ending is pretty underwhelming as is the plot. Muller does look a bit like Jesus though so that's something.
 The old VHS tape I have of this makes Woody Strode out to be the star and REAL SOULJA(whatever that means) but that's sadly not the case and he's only the main bad guy. The great Henry Silva is wasted only really doing anything exciting in the first few minutes of the film before being regulated to the talky scenes. This really made me want to stick with Di Leo's 70's films.

                                              No Strode on the Cannon VHS box!:

TAI CHI SHADOW BOXING (1979)

 This old dirty kung fu master forces a couple of derelicts to become his pupils in order to get revenge on this Buddhist monk-looking killer(who use the dreaded Buddha's palm strike) and his Mr. Clean-looking master. This one veers from comedic kung fu to super dramatic death scenes and boy is it jolting. Jackie Chen(not to be confused with Chan) is one of our stars but he's not all that exciting to watch. They do steal the main theme from the Lee Van Cleef spaghetti-western DAY OF ANGER which they play over and over. It's an exciting tune but not really cool enough for me to sit through this ever again. AKA TAI CHI DEVIL DRAGONS

TROG (1970)

 I caught this one years ago in a theatrical showing, where much laughter ensued, and then revisited it more recently on glorious VHS. This might be my personal favorite Joan Crawford film. Obviously that BABY JANE film is the superior film but how many laughs are you gonna get from that epic? The story here involves a caveman, who lived in dinosaur times but somehow survived for millions of years, that is found in an underground cavern. Then he's tamed(sorta) by Ms. Crawford until he is riled up and goes on a killing spree about town which includes hanging a guy on a meathook just like in THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE.
 The sight of this screen legend shooting a man in an obvious rubber caveman mask with a tranquilizer gun might be one of the all-time cinematic joys there is. Sadly ol' Joan felt this was the most embarrassing thing she'd ever been in and it was the last theatrical film she would appear in. If only she knew of the enjoyment it would bring to future generations.
 ENCINO MAN is the movie that I always think of as the 90's equivalent of this except that was meant to be a comedy and it was crapped out in the 90's so I've avoided it like the plague.

HEAVY METAL (1981)

 One of the all-time greats when it comes to animation that's not made for little kids. There's nekkidness, decapitations, general sleaze, comedy, drug abuse and lots of assorted violence. Sadly there's not much in the way of any actual heavy metal tunes aside from a Black Sabbath but that doesn't really detract much from the sheer joy I get from watching this 80's midnight movie favorite. Other music that stands out includes Cheap Trick, Sammy Hagar and Devo(who even get an animated band, that doesn't really look like Devo very much, to portray them). The anthology genre, held together by the presence of a killer glowing green orb in all the stories, works great for this and works in reminding me of reading an issue oh HEAVY METAL magazine(which this was based on).
 There was a sequel to this in the cinematically dreadful year 2000, appropriately titled HEAVY METAL 2000, which I did view once and then quickly erased it from my mind as not to tarnish the original volume.

5 PATTERN DRAGON CLAWS (1983)

 This is one of the few films credited to director Godfrey Ho that isn't a hodge-podge of 2 or 3 other films mixed into one and follows a fairly coherent story line. Apparently that was due to it being co-directed by some Korean fellow named Kim Si-Hyeon who worked with star Dragon Lee on a few films. It's all pretty simplistic stuff here about a Buddhist temple being taken over by an evil fighter who uses a lightning kick to beat his opponents. There's some backstabbing and a lot of Buddhist monks getting offed before the big final battle. One weird scene has a guy wearing what appears to be a Mexican wrestler mask for a little bit, besides this not the most memorable outing. AKA THUNDERING FIST
 MARTIAL MONKS OF SHAOLIN TEMPLE is another film from this same year directed by these two with a very similar cast and plot that seems to get mixed up with this one often.

18 FATAL STRIKES (1980)

 A Buddhist monk(Chiang-Lung Wen) becomes a rebel and fights against the new Ching Dynasty but unfortunately he gets his ass kicked and ends up hiding out with these two seemingly retarded fellows. The less retarded one of the two learns some kung fu and they get revenge after the standard evil white-haired guy kills their gal-pal. Fairly unremarkable kung fu flick, the most notable thing might be the main villain's strange fighting style where he shakes and shimmies to "Hulk" up. Not really amusing enough to recommend this one though unless you need something to take a nap to. AKA 18 WEAPONS OF KUNG FU(didn't really seem like all that many different weapons to me but I wasn't really counting)

 

KUNG FU YOGA (2017)

 Not to be confused with old-skool martial-arts flick KUNG FU VS. YOGA this one is a newer Jackie Chan movie. The first 5 minutes are complete CGI/video-game-looking nonsense. Then the rest of the movie is filled with CGI animals(cartoon lions and hyenas and wolves, oh my!)  and other enhanced fx to make things looks as terrible and unrealistic as possible. I understand Mr. Jackie was around 65 years old when this was made but maybe leaving the kung fu to the younger folks would have been preferable to enhancing everything to the point of ridiculousness. Also this is supposed to be a sorta mix of a kung fu flick and a Bollywood film so everything ends really stupidly with a big dance number. I would recommend sticking with sticking with way earlier Chan for better action unless you don't mind a movie that doesn't really look like a movie very much.
 There's some conjecture that this is maybe a sequel to Jackie's 2005 film THE MYTH since the character he plays in both films is an archaeologist named Jack but not having seen that one, and since it doesn't exactly look like prime Chan to me I'm in no hurry to, I can't say. 

THE RATS (2002)

 Very generic title for a movie about killer rats. In this case it's kind of appropriate though since this is a super generic movie. Killer rats invade various locations around New York City(though it was filmed in Toronto so don't look too close) including a high-end department store, a swimming pool full of kids, the subway etc. They spread a terrible disease if you're lucky and rip you to shreds if you're not. Nothing particularly gruesome is shown, probably because this was originally a made for T.V. movie though it was released in some countries outside the U.S. theatrically(poor countries!). There is a longer cut that has a bit more blood and even some boobs in it.
 This is allegedly a remake of 1982's DEADLY EYES but that one didn't feature a bunch of c.g.i. and I recall it being a lot more entertaining and fun. So if you don't feel like watching what look like video game rats(in one particularly terrible looking sequence the rats shoot up out of a drain like a fountain)chase people stick with the original.

                                                  Tonight on FOX!:

 

DON'T PANIC (1988)

 This is the 3rd horror film by Mexican director Ruben Galindo Jr. that I've seen now. After viewing this and the other two, CEMETERY OF TERROR(the one that's kind of reminiscent of HALLOWEEN) and GRAVE ROBBERS(the one that's kind of reminiscent of a FRIDAY THE 13th movie), I'm kind of getting the feeling that Mr. Ruben might be the king of Mexican rip-offs of popular 80's horror franchises. I know that is not much of a compliment but it does at least make him memorable to me. The films all, including this one which contains elements from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, at least put some unique spins on the source material and make them different enough to not be entirely predictable. In this case we get a high-school kid who runs around in dinosaur pajamas trying to stop a vaguely Freddy-esque killer who appears in visions our "hero" has. There's a bit of blood but it never really gets as gory as Galindo's earlier films from what I recall. Though it's been a while since I've watched those 2 and I'm due for re-watches.
 Screaming Mad George is credited with fx work on this which was a bit surprising to me.

GUMS (1976)

 I had the pleasure of seeing Brother Theodore live in New York City when I was in my 20's and have been a huge fan of his bizarre stylings ever since. I can't say he's really been represented all that well in film though, usually just making small appearances. I think NOCTURNA is the film that I most identified him with until I saw this one and NOCTURNA is not exactly the best movie in the world. GUMS on the other hand is, while also not the best movie ever, an absurdly delightful porn(the version I caught was softcore but bordering on being hard) parody of JAWS that plays almost like a Mel Brooks' movie with naughty bits. I was lucky enough to catch this one at the local weirdo theater and it's definitely a great watch with a group of like-minded cretins. Where else can you see Brother Theodore playing a Nazi named Captain Carl Clitoris go up against a blowjob-giving murderous mermaid or a movie that ends in a bizarre puppet show?
 There is apparently a hardcore version of this available for the hardcore perverts though I found the censorship(covering genitals with pieces of meat and kosher certificates) in the soft version pretty humorous in itself.

                                                     Uncensored lesbian scene!:



                                                                  British VHS!:

Titillating porn double feature!:

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953)

 Aliens, that are big floating one-eyed creatures, that can do that whole body snatching thing(3 years before INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS!), crash land on Earth and really just want to get back home. Of course that doesn't stop those pesky humans from wanting to stomp some ugly alien butt(when they finally start believing in them anyway). While this one is a pretty ground-breaking film for it's time it's not the most entertaining watch today and stuff like WAR OF THE WORLDS from the same year really blow this one out of the water. Still for some old-timey 3-D sci-fi it's decent.
 Director Jack Arnold would go on to make the iconic CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON among other sci-fi and monster classics.

                                                           Comin' at ya!:

 


                                                     Classic Jack Arnold double feature!:

THE BABADOOK (2014)

 I originally had no interest in seeing this. A modern movie featuring a little kid in one the lead roles is not exactly on the top of my list of things to watch. Due to a recent movie night gathering of friend and acquaintances I was forced to watch this. Luckily it was way better than I had anticipated. Perhaps due to it being made in Australia and not the U.S. it ditched some of the cliched ghost movie tropes that I was expecting and worked as a metaphor for dealing with loss and the inevitable accompanying grief. GHOST STORY meets HOME ALONE meets a psychological thriller that doesn't pander for mass acceptance. I'm not sure this one is very re-watchable but I'm glad I experienced it once anyway. 




This was based on a short film from 2005, also by director Jennifer Kent:

Monster - Jennifer Kent from Jennifer Kent on Vimeo.

THE BRAVE LION (1974)

 A bunch of workers at a lumber yard, owned by those terrible Japanese!, are treated like garbage, beaten and tortured to death for daring to ask for a day off. This one is basically a martial-arts version of a union organization video except instead of forming any sort of union all the workers just rise up and chop, kick and ultimately murder their oppressors. The great Fu Heng Cheng, the large fat dude from about a million of these movies, plays a Japanese henchman even though he's clearly not Japanese. Barry Chan is our main hero who seems to be going for the Bruce Lee persona. In fact this one was re-titled REVOLT OF THE DRAGON to try and remind people of Mr. Lee who had just died the year before.  Not the worst kung fu flick, pretty mediocre stuff overall but good to fall asleep to if nothing else. Also despite what that video box promises, unless it was for a split-second or the VHS version is different, I didn't see any nudity in this movie at all!




Unless Bruce Lee died in a lumberyard in China, which I don't believe he did, this film doesn't answer any of these questions!:

There is apparently another REVOLT OF THE DRAGON from this same year so I guess this was a popular title.