BLOOD GAMES (1990)

  The Australian title of this as BASEBALL BIMBOS IN HILLBILLY HELL really perfectly sums up this dumb backwoods revenge flick. Our story involves a group of traveling baseball ladies, led by biker/action movie star Ross Hagen, who run afoul of some violent retarded rednecks(why there are rednecks flying confederate flags in California I'm not sure, but OK). Things get progressively more bloody and revenge-fueled as it goes on. We get a rape scene, lots of boobs(including a lovely shower scene) and countless ass-shots on display. A good trashy exploitation epic. 

 It was also nice to see George "Buck" Flowers in a big role not playing his usual drunken bum character but instead playing one of the stupid women-hating hicks.

ONIBABA (1964)

 While I'm more of a fan of Japanese director Kaneto Shindo's later KURONEKO, this one is certainly not too shabby either. It's main focus is on a couple of poor ladies stuck in wartime Japan who resort to killing passers-by to make ends meet. While there are some horror elements involving a demon mask(and stabbing samurais) this one really focuses more on the drama side of things than KURONEKO and plays more like an artsy flick that just happens to also contain ample nudity and murder to go along with your symbolism and metaphors. Check it out for an fine example of some classy Asian cinema.

SHOCKUMENTARY (2015)

 

 Total homemade garbage that fails at trying to emulate both a grindhouse movie(with all that dumb digitally-enhanced graininess) and a snuff film(with some exceptionally bad acting). Some actual scenes of death are inserted from one of those TRACES OF DEATH video compilations so if you like that stuff just go watch those instead. The fact that they found an actual operational video store in 2015 to shoot some of this in is pretty astounding. At only about 70 minutes long this is a very tough watch.

 Director Dustin Fergus has directed somewhere around 150 things according to IMDB which seems impressive unless they were all shot on a phone and look like home movies. AKA VIDEO KILLERS

THE VAMPIRE DOLL (1970)

  First in a trilogy of vampire films from Toho studios. This one features a gal who gets hypnotized into being a creepy vampire lady(though she mostly just acts like a ghost). Good atmospheric gothic horror, which is not something you normally expect from Japan. Does a good job at emulating 60s European horror flicks with some added blood. 

 This has quite a few alternate titles including FEAR OF THE GHOST HOUSE: BLOODSCUKING DOLL, THE NIGHT OF THE VAMPIRE, THE GHOST MANSION'S HORROR: A BLOODSUCKING DOLL and just plain old BLOODSUCKING DOLL. Released on video as THE LEGACY OF DRACULA.

Released in Mexico as THE DOLL THAT DRINKS BLOOD:

MR. MOTO TAKES A VACATION (1939)

  The final film in the Mr. Moto series starring Peter Lorre. After this a Japanese heroic detective character became pretty hard to sell to the American public due to a little event called World War II. This one's pretty forgettable, Moto has an annoying British man following him around and stops a bunch of criminals from stealing a priceless crown in Egypt. 

 There was a RETURN OF MR. MOTO made almost 30 years later featuring Henry Silva in the title role. I've not heard much good about it so I'm pretty sure it's not essential viewing. 

MR. MOTO IN DANGER ISLAND (1939)

  The 7th film in the Peter Lorre Mr. Moto series finds our Japanese detective in Puerto Rico, which I'm sure can be a dangerous island, trying to stop a diamond smuggling ring. He's helped out by a really dumb pro wrestler named Twister(Warren Hymer) which lead to some slapstick moments. There's only 1 more film in the series and you can see why since they seem to have run out of ideas by this point. This one was apparently originally supposed to be a Charlie Chan movie before they switched the fake Asian lead. 

LADY STREET FIGHTER (1977)

  Not to be confused with the Japanese SISTER STREET FIGHTER film this is an American action flick filmed in either 1977 or 1975 depending on what website you choose to believe but allegedly not released until 1980. The story involves a hitwoman(writer/producer Renee Harmon) who gets targeted by a gang of assassins who kill her twin sister. From there it's a revenge-o-rama which also shoehorns in a love story, a weird orgy scene where some celery gets fellated and lots of bad dubbing. There's not a whole lot of martial arts and this is one of those movies that becomes very entertaining in its awfulness. Highlights include a full grown woman playing a 5-year old girl, a man flipping the bird while being burned alive and Liz Renay(of John Waters' DESPERATE LIVING fame among other things) doing a striptease. A real gem of crap cinema!

 There was a sequel made in 1990, but not released until 2018, titled REVENGE OF LADY STREET FIGHTER but from what I read that was comprised of a whole lot of the original movie with only about 10 minutes of new footage inserted. Does not sound like essential viewing.

MANTIS UNDER FALCON CLAWS (1983)

  A princess gets captured by some bandits then one of her retarded servants ends up in a Shaolin temple learning kung fu to get her back. The bad guy uses the Falcon Claw and our hero learns Mantis style hence the title. Lots of comedy with dumb sound effects goes on and a good chunk of the movie is incomprehensible. AKA MANTIS VS. FALCON

SPIRITUAL KUNG FU (1978)

  Jackie Chan gets help from some ghost with bright red Raggedy Ann hair to get revenge for some nefarious deeds involving a Shaolin temple and other leaders of the kung fu world. As you would expect there are some goofy scenes involving Jackie in between the more serious bits. One memorable part has Jackie trying to write calligraphy with a giant pen as punishment for being such a screwup.

                          Released on video in the UK as KARATE GHOSTBUSTER:

THE BODYGUARD (1973)

  Sonny Chiba plays Sonny Chiba here except in this universe Chiba is not just an actor playing an ass-kicking karate man but also a super dangerous martial artist out to destroy gangsters who push drugs so he takes a job as a bodyguard which puts him into their sites. Doesn't really make much sense like most things that happen in this film. There's quite a bit of bloody violence including a guy who gets his arm ripped off, a decapitation and much bone breaking. Sadly the version I watched of this was a crappy pan-and-scan DVD from back in the day so I mighta missed a few things. Stick with THE STREET FIGHTER for a much better example of Chiba's skills. AKA VIVA CHIBA! THE BODYGUARD

 Quentin Tarantino ripped off the Ezekial 25:17 quote from the beginning of this movie like he rips off pretty much everything else he's ever done. 

DEATH RAGE (1976)

  Yul Brynner stars in this Eurocrime thriller as an American hitman in Italy out to get revenge for his murdered brother while taking on the mob and the police.  They also shoehorn a bit off an homage to THE MECHANIC with Brynner taking on a young apprentice(Massimo Ranieri) and showing him the ways of an assassin. Barbara Bouchet plays the lovely love interest and Martin Balsam plays the police chief. Car chases and gunplay are plentiful in this formulaic actioner. The version I watched of this seems to be missing a few minutes and is terribly panned and scanned though so perhaps I would give this a higher ranking if I could see an uncut/better-looking print.  

 Released on video as BLOOD RECKONING

                               Original Italian title was WITH ANGER IN HIS EYES:

RETURN TO THE 36th CHAMBER (1980)

  While this is billed as a sequel to MASTER KILLER(THE 36th CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN) it's really not but is actually just another kung fu flick featuring Gordon Liu that involves him ending up in the Shaolin Temple learning kung fu to take revenge. This time out the revenge is for his brother and friends who work at a dye factory, get treated like shit, and get their asses kicked regularly for complaining, by their terrible bosses. It hits all the expected beats but doesn't ever come close to the original classic. AKA MASTER KILLER II and RETURN OF THE MASTER KILLER 

 There were quite a few similar roles for Liu and some unofficial sequels(this one here being the most legit just because it was actually made by The Shaw Brothers even if it doesn't follow the same character).

MACUMBA SEXUAL (1983)

  Lina Romay(billed as Candy Coster) has some nightmares involving, the transexual star of many sleazy Eurotrash films, Ajita Wilson and her 2 slaves. Director Jess Franco shows up as a retarded simpleton who informs Romay that the lady in her dreams is a long dead African Priestess but that doesn't stop her from showing up throughout the rest of the movie and seducing Romay and her mate. It's all very surrealistic and dreamlike. I introduced a friend of mine to the weird world Jess Franco cinema with this film during a recent marathon of his films at a local theater and it's probably not the best choice as it's truly a bizarre one that you should really work your way up to.

 This is supposedly a remake of Francos' more well known VAMPYROS LESBOS, obviously swapping an evil African priestess for a lesbian vampiress. LESBOS itself was kind of a weird interpretation of the original DRACULA novel so it all goes back to Bram Stoker. 

https://fullxcinema.com/macumba-sexual-1983/

THE STRANGLER (1964)

  Victor Buono has always been one of my favorite character actors. From WHATEVER HAPPEND TO BABY JANE? to the 60s BATMAN TV series to that Eurotrash movie, THE MAD BUTCHER, where he kills people and turns them into sausages, he never fails to give an entertaining performance. This time he plays the title role of a pretty deranged fellow who enjoys strangling ladies in his spare time and playing with dolls. Supposedly based on/inspired by the case of The Boston Strangler(which was also the original working title) this is a pretty suspenseful trip with some echoes of PSYCHO thrown in, though the ending is a bit lackluster. 

 There was another Boston Strangler movie that came out 4 years after this starring Tony Curtis as the killer.

                                   Known in Italy as THE DOLLS OF DESIRE:

THE SCORPION WITH TWO TALES (1982)

  This is a pretty uneventful Eurotrash horror flick. I've seen it described as a giallo but it's really not. Rather than really being a mystery it's more of a case of some naughty Etruscan spirits killing off various people including John Saxon who has a pretty small role. Also dragging this down is the very low gore quotient since almost everyone gets killed by having their head turned quickly which is hardly the most exciting death sequence. Maybe the only highlights I found in this were the recycled soundtrack cues which borrowed from GATES OF HELL and NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES and made me wish I was watching either one of those instead.

 There is an earlier actual giallo, directed by the same director as this, Sergio Martino, called THE CASE OF THE SCORPION'S TAIL which looks way better. I need to check that out at some point. 

Original way less artsy title of MURDER IN AN ETRUSCAN CEMETERY:

NECROPHOBIA (1995)

  I never knew there was another European movie about fucking corpses released in the 90s before catching this one as part of a Halloween horror movie marathon recently. Clearly influenced/ripped-off from the granddaddy off all corpse-boppin flicks the German NECROMANTIK films this Dutch entry doesn't quite live up to the grossness of it's predecessors but is still worth a look for sickos and miscreants into the weird. The plot concerns a lady who gets tied up by her lover who then proceeds to kick the bucket while in the act of humping and lay there all dead on her for a week. This leads to some serious mental issues for our leading lady. There's chainsaw hijinks, meathooks put to good use, a car chase and, of course, dead people diddling. The best part is that it's all wrapped up in an hour in case you're in a hurry.  

STUDENT BODIES (1981)

  It's kind of remarkable that this spoof of slasher movies came out in 1981 when those type of films were still being churned out in record numbers and the template had barely been set which would lead to them all becoming very predictable with set rules that they mostly all would follow.  It's also kind of weird that they chose to not include much in the way of blood and no nudity since those are both such hallmarks of the slasher flick. It's all very dumb, of course, and will really only appeal to people who are into that AIRPLANE-type of absurd humor. 

 The character of Malvert The Janitor is really the stand out highlight for me and sadly the ridiculously lanky rubber-limbed actor, credited only as The Stick, only appeared in this one film before an early death took him from us.

VELVET HIGH (1981)

  Probably the only reason I stuck with this porn all the way through was to hear which 70s rock band they would steal songs from next for the soundtrack. It starts right off with some MC5 and then we get some of The Sweet before ending with a band I've never heard of before called Toe Fat. The plot is some kinda weird sleazy porn-watchers wish-fulfillment thing where the only character our orgasm-deprived main character, Velvet(Misty Regan, credited as Misty Middleton on the poster) can be satisfied by is a chubby, habitual sexual-harasser who pumps gas(played by porn director Carter Stevens who is sometimes mistakenly credited as being the director here). A tough one to get through but it does bring the rock. AKA SEXUAL STATES(an homage to ALTERED STATES?) and TEENAGE STRIPPERS

THE LEECH WOMAN (1960)

  I was pretty disappointed that this didn't feature a literal "leech-woman" and instead featured a lady who goes around murdering men to drain their pineal gland which gives her temporary beauty and youth thanks to an African tribe that performed some voodoo ritual on her. I get that it's all a big metaphor for women's fear of aging but the film drags for quite a bit until we get to any murderous rampages. I'd probably choose THE WASP WOMAN over this for a similarly themed outing just because that one actually does have a monster.   

SPEAK NO EVIL (2022)

 I've seen the trailer for the American remake of this Dutch/Danish horror flick before every new movie I've seen in a theater for what seems like the last year. I can't say that I was very interested in watching it but I kept hearing about how brutal the original European version was so I decided to check it out. While there are some rather brutal events at the very end of the movie(involving a child and a naked Dutch couple) I can't say there's really much here to recommend this to anyone. I've read that the director, Cristian Tafdrup, was attempting to make the point that people are generally more concerned with being polite than appearing rude(inn this case even in the face of some pretty obviously bad signs). While this may be a concern in Europe I'm not sure folks being overly polite is a problem I run into very often being an American(specifically being a New Yorker!). The film leaves the viewer feeling the same frustration that the FUNNY GAMES movies do and I was certainly no fan of those either. 

SEE NO EVIL (1971)

  Mia Farrow becomes blind after taking a fall off her horse. As she is learning to navigate this new world a murderer shows up with some very bad intentions. This film is really good at building tension and Mia is, as usual, really good at portraying a vulnerable victim of circumstance here. While there are some obvious comparisons to WAIT UNTIL DARK from a few years earlier the plot is different enough to give this it's own uniqueness. AKA BLIND TERROR

                 Shown in England, Australia and other places as BLIND TERROR:

 

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1986)

  While this movie plays it fast and loose with the actual events in the life of serial killer Henry Lee Lucas' and his demented buddy Otis Toole it still manages to crank out a compelling look into the minds of a couple of white-trash sleazebag psychopaths.  The great Michael Rooker, in what might be his greatest role, delivers a real downer of a performance but don't let that dissuade you from this if you can handle some true-crime with a very liberal interpretation of reality. 

 There was a sequel in 1996 without Rooker starring and I've never heard anyone say much good about it. 

                     Some Joe Coleman artwork really spices up this poster!:

SOUP TO NUTS (1930)

 Historically important since this is the very first appearance of The Three Stooges on film. Not necessarily a great movie though. The Stooges, consisting of Shemp, Larry and Moe(credited under his real name of Harry Howard). here are goofy women-crazy firemen. They're not really the stars though which brings this one down a bit. Our main character is played by Ted Healy who was the leader of the vaudeville group before they ventured out on their own. AKA RUBE GOLDBERG'S SOUP TO NUTS(this was allegedly written by Mr. Goldberg(this seems to not be true) and he and some of his wacky inventions show up in the film) 

A very young Billy Barty does running headstands over and over!:

STRANGE DARLING (2024)

  I'll give this movie extra credit for being a modern production that was actually shot on film and for using the old TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE scrolling b.s. message about it being based on a true story at the beginning. I made the mistake of reading a "review" of this before watching which was just an excuse to spoil the big plot-twist for everyone. Thanks jackass! Unlike that retarded reviewer, and his attempt to dissuade my enjoyment, I actually did still enjoy this mix of serial-killer hi-jinks, drugs, sex-games and revenge and wouldn't think of being self-centered enough to ruin it for anyone else looking to check this rare example of something new(not based on something old) that doesn't completely suck out.  

INSTANT DEATH (2017)

 Lou Ferrigno was in his 60s when this movie was made but he still takes his shirt off quite a bit and seems to be in excellent shape. I have to believe he would easily beat Arnold Schwarzenegger in a pose down these days! The film itself though is filled with some pretty terrible acting and a completely predictable action-movie revenge plot where Lou's granddaughter gets killed and his daughter gets raped and blinded and then it's gun-fu time.  AKA RAGE(why a movie that I doubt ever played in a theater anywhere needs an alternate title I have no clue)

Unfortunately the YouTube version of this movie has all the violent bits cut out:

LEGEND OF THE SHADOWY NINJA : THE NINJA DRAGON (1990)

  Go Nagai is one of the most important figures in manga and anime, pretty much inventing the giant robot genre. This here shot-on-video production is currently his only foray into live-action as writer and director. It's not up to the level of some of the better animes he was involved with(MAZINGA Z, DEVILMAN, GRENDIZER etc.) but it's an ok watch with some absurd elements(the movie comes to a halt while we watch 2 lady wrestlers battle it out and it all ends with a spaceship popping up) and gore(a guy gets his face ripped right off!) thrown in between all the expected ninja/kung fu action.

THE BLACK PANTHER (1977)

  Having nothing to do with the Marvel comic book hero of the same name or the American radical 60s pro-black group, this Black Panther is the true story of a black-hooded British serial killer who seems to only become a murderer because he bungles some bank robberies.  While our main character Donald Neilsen comes off as a complete prick who's pretty much a total asshole to everyone around him, including his wife and teenage daughter, you almost feel a little sorry for him since his objective appears to be to just obtain money. The movie kinda/sorta seems to blame his overly militarized mind on his willingness to blast apart anyone who gets in his way with a shotgun. His kidnapping plan becomes the final thing which goes awry and ultimately leads to his capture. The whole thing is an interesting portrayal of a nutjob and also a pretty big downer. 

 Since the film came out only a year after the real-life Neilsen was sentenced to life in prison and only a couple of years after the actual events portrayed it certanl;y pissed off the family of the victims and the police, who are not shown as doing the greatest job in capturing our naughty boy, and was inevitably banned in England up until it reappeared in the video era giving it a certain forbidden allure. 

SLUGS: THE MOVIE (1988)

  I've always considered this to be one of the dumber animals run amok movies out there but upon a recent re-watch I found it to also be pretty damn entertaining. Of course you get armies of killer man-eating slugs with big chomping teeth who can swim(leading to some JAWS-rip-off scenes), some pretty gory deaths as people's skin is ripped right off(this was directed by Juan Piquer Simon the man responsible for one of the greatest slasher movies ever PIECES so you know what to expect) and our hero is a health inspector named Mike Brady(Michael Garfield). 

 It is all based on a book by Shaun Hutson who apparently never allowed another film based on any of his books after this which seems like a terrible business decision! 

POSSESSION (1981)

  A married couple(Sam Neil & Isabelle Adjani) argue for a good portion of this arthouse film, then our lead woman gives birth to a squid monster who eventually turns into a doppelganger of her husband. There's lots of scenes of a wife screaming at her husband so naturally feminists love this movie. There's also some convoluted message about the violent nature of breakups or something. "It's all metaphor man!"

 I did get to watch this at a drive-in recently and it looked great on the big screen even if it is quite the grating spectacle. 

ROBO GEISHA (2009)

  While usually CGI-filled movies are at the very bottom of my list of things I enjoy in these early 2000s over-the-top Japanese gorefests it doesn't really detract all that much since what we're viewing is basically a live-action anime with very little basis in reality to begin with. BIG TITS ZOMBIE and MACHINE GIRL are the other 2 similar films from this era that I recall enjoying for their sheer stupidity and ludicrousness. In this one you get all kinds of deadly weapons that emerge from various nether-regions of the body of various cyborgs. It also shoehorns a story about sisterly love and features a building that turns into a giant robot and other Transformers-like hijinks. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense and things are weird just for the sake of being weird so check your brain before watching. 

              Yes, even the trailer doesn't make sense!:

 

HOME BEFORE MIDNIGHT (1979)

  I've enjoyed pretty much all of the Pete Walker horror films I've seen up to this point so I figured I would check out his attempt to break out of the horror genre with this movie about a rock song writer(James Aubrey) who falls in love with a gal(Alison Elliot) who turns out, unbeknownst to him, to be underage. It's certainly something different for Mr. Walker and apparently it didn't work out so well because his next, and last, film(the all-star extravaganza HOUSE OF THE LONG SHADOWS) was back in the horror realm. It's an interesting film with plenty of nudity on show but least favorite of Walker's output. 

 The band Jigsaw appear, and provide the soundtrack, as the fictional band Bad Accident.

                               Jigsaw's big hit!:

STAGEFRIGHT: AQUARIUS (1987)

 One of my favorite dumb Italian slasher movies! By this point in Italian cinema they had, for the most part, given up on making good giallos and went for ripping off their dumber American counterparts, the slasher film(which of course were themsleves just more stripped-down versions of giallos(which were souped-up iterations of Hitchcock mysterious(oh, it's all just one big circle of influences!!))). Here we get a lunatic wearing a big ol' owlhead mask weilding various instruments of destruction including knives, a drill, a needle and a chainsaw that he employs on a group of very stupid actors and anyone else in his way. It's about as dumb as they come but if you like laughing at stupid actors meeting gory deaths check it out. AKA SOUND STAGE MASSACRE

Known in France as BLOODY BIRD which is the perfect title for this.

 

                         Known in many places as just AQUARIUS: