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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Thursday, May 12, 2016

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (1995)



 Prime example of why 90s Hollywood cinema is garbage. I'm pretty sure the only reason anyone has ever viewed this film is to see Alyssa Milano doing her first nudie scenes after being Tony Danza's little sweetheart on WHO'S THE BOSS?. The only reason I watched this is because a friend of mine is obsessed with Alyssa Milano and this is the movie to watch to see a lot of naked Alyssa Milano. The weird thing is that Miss Milano plays a virgin raised in a convent who strangely, but thankfully, ends up with her boobs out a lot plus as a bonus she dabbles in a bit of lesbianism.  That and the other naked vampire chicks are pretty much the only things of interest for me in this though since the whole thing is what I imagine TWILIGHT is like except without the boobs and sex.  I've never seen those movies since I'm not 12 years old but so far this is probably the worst vampire related movie I have ever seen.  It seems to me if you're gonna make a vampire movie with tits maybe you would want it to appeal to someone over 13 but, who knows, maybe they were aiming at the typical mainstream male who has the mentality of  a child anyway.  So I guess if you just wanna fast forward through all the stupid boring parts go ahead or just watch those clips online like a smart person. Being a masochist I did view this whole movie and somehow managed to stay awake while doing so. It's quite boring. There's a lame-ass vampire who I guess is bi-sexual because he transforms into a horny Jennifer Tilly at one point to make out with the male lead. Milano plays a virginal girl at first but then becomes sort-of a lesbian before it all ends. The plot concerns our dumb vampire trying to get Milano to fall in love with him. Why he doesn't just bite her and get it all over with really quickly I'm not sure but whatever. Don't watch this unless you like bad 90s fashion, shitty soundtrack music, dull characters and a dreaded TWILIGHT-like romantic theme. AKA THE NOSFERATU DIARIES: EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE
 There was a remake in 2012 because I guess there's a law now that they have to remake everything that was ever done before.

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