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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Sunday, June 17, 2018

THE LEGEND OF LIZZIE BORDEN (1975)


 Elizabeth Montgomery is, of course, best remembered as the witchy star of the BEWITCHED program but after that series ended she starred in a bunch of made-for-TV movies where she got to show off her acting abilities outside of the comedic box she was typecast into. Although I haven't seen many of these this one was a memorable highlight from her foray into drama that I do recall playing when I was a stupid little kid and probably didn't appreciate it because there were no giant monsters in it. What you do get here  though is the very well-known story of a young lady who took an axe and whacked away at her parents. While technically it is a courtroom drama which is usually a terrible subgenre this one fills it with enough flashbacks and interesting bits that things never become as boring or drawn out as they might be. Also if you can get a hold of the European-theatrical release of this you get a little blood and a quick glimpse at some Montgomery boob plus some creepy molesting scenes. A good example of back when TV wasn't solely a brainwashing tool but actually a medium that made an attempt to entertain people on some level.

                                    Still playing on TV into the dread 90s!:

 



Friday, June 15, 2018

SPACE MUTINY (1988)


 This is one of those movies I've only seen on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 and RIFF TRAX and I really have no interest in seeing it any other way because it is a pretty fucking stupid film. It stars Reb Brown, who is probably best remembered as playing Captain America in a couple of  TV movies back in the 70s, as a hunky beefcake hero who has to quell the titular mutiny aboard a spaceship. This is not just any spaceship though, thanks to a bunch of recycled footage it's actually the ship from the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA program (also from the 70s). John Philip Law is the horribly overacting villain and Cameron Mitchell wears a big silver ensemble that makes him look like he weighs about 500 pounds. There are boobs thanks to our heroine(Cisse Cameron) but I don't think it's worth watching the un-riffed version just for those. There's also lots of dumb laser blaster fights, really slow "futuristic: golf-cart chases, a very 1980s disco, scantily-clad interpretive dancing alien ladies, a nonsensical plot and bad-acting all around. A perfect movie to be mocked but that's about it. AKA MUTINY IN SPACE




Sunday, June 10, 2018

IRONHEART (1991)


 So the star of this film, Britton K. Lee, was also the producer. I'm assuming this means he put up a bunch of money and really wanted to be a famous action film star so he just made himself the main character. I assume this because this was the only film he was ever in and he's also not particularly charismatic. He deos pull off the martial arts well enough though I kept thinking that he was like a very poor-man's version of Jackie Chan during the fights. The director was Robert Clouse who a couple of decades earlier gave us ENTER THE DRAGON. Apparently he was a bit senile during the filming of this so don't expect anything close to the quality of that film. The main reason I watched this is because the VHS tape I found of this lists the great Bolo Yeung as the star and puts his pretty face right on the cover. Unfortunately I'm still looking for a movie where he is actually the star. He really only gets one big fight scene in this despite being second-billed which was a letdown. There is an unexpected decapitation in this which was really the only unexpected thing that happened.
 A footnote for pro wrestling fans is that Scot Levy, AKA ECW's Raven, is one of the tough guy extras.

Outside of the 90s dance club scenes the music in this is about the most generic stuff you will ever hear!:

THE LORELEY'S GRASP (1973)


 Amando de Ossorio is one of the great Eurotrash directors thanks mostly to his series of Blind Dead films. I would put this one up there right alongside those also though. What you get here is basically a monster movie with a monster who is a female CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON mixed with the monsters from HORROR OF PARTY BEACH-looking thing who dispatches young women at a school in an excessively gory fashion. The overflowing blood moves things right into slasher-movie territory with hearts being ripped out of chests, necks being slit and even a boob gets ripped off. And speaking of boobs the ladies here are not shy about showing theirs. To throw in another element the monster is actually a beautiful woman(Helga Line) who only turns into the creature when the moon is out which gives things that old WOLFMAN feel. If, like me, you love that everything-including-the-kitchen-sink approach to horror movies check it out. AKA WHEN THE SCREAMING STOPS, THE NIGHT THE SCREAMING STOPPED and THE SWINGING MONSTER which makes it sound like some kinda sex flick.






VHS!:



BLOOD THEATRE (1984)


 Director Rick Sloane made that terrible movie HOBGOBLINS and a whole bunch of those stupid VICE ACADEMY films but this is where he started out. This movie is also pretty crappy but let's look at a couple of positive aspects first. Mary Woronov is really the main good thing about this. It's always good to see her and she's pretty much the main character here as the secretary of a movie theater chain that doesn't take any shit from her stupid boss. In addition to her there's a great trailer showing in one of the theaters here for something called THE CLOWN WHORES OF HOLLYWOOD which looks like a way better, and funnier, film than the one we are watching. Unfortunately I don't think Sloane every made a full length version of this. There's also a couple of ditzy new-wave characters that add some amusing comedic moments to what is a generally dull tale of a haunted theater that turns into a bad slasher flick. Sadly I think these two gals started and ended their careers with this film. Maybe if this had just been a straight up comedy instead of a idiotic spoof of a horror film it would 've worked better. Also maybe an actual ending that made some kinda sense woulda been nice. AKA MOVIE-HOUSE MASSACRE









Friday, June 8, 2018

A BULLET FOR THE GENERAL (1967)


 I had tried to watch this one a long time ago on VHS and couldn't get into it. Upon a recent rewatch, this time on way better-looking DVD, I found this to be a lot more of an interesting spaghetti-western. The plot deals with some Mexican bandits, led by Gian Maria Volonte(who is most memorable from being in a couple of the Eastwood/Leone spags), who hate the government and the rich and steal guns and aid a revolutionary General. From what I've read the writer of this film, Salvatore Laurani, was trying to put forth some very pro-Communist ideas and while I don't doubt that, there aren't really any clear-cut heroes in this and it can still be enjoyed even if you don't enjoy being preached to about politics. Klaus Kinski plays his usual "insane person" character, in this case a grenade-lobbing preacher, which is always a plus and the ending leaves a strong impression even if you don't plan on violently overthrow any overy-fascistic governments anytime soon. Check it out if you enjoy the spaghettis.
  One weird thing about this movie is how they try and pass Martine Beswick, an attractive British lady as a Mexican with the help of some blackface, or I guess in this case brownface, makeup. So if cultural-appropriation is something that makes you weep this might offend you. 




                    Volonte(El Chuncho) gets the movie named after him in some versions:


Thursday, June 7, 2018

THE KILLER WORE GLOVES (1974)



 To be fair to this giallo flick the DVD I have of it is a crappy-looking bootleg with not very good audio. I'm sure a better presentation would elevate it a bit but from what I saw this one wasn't the most exciting movie from this genre and I can see it being forgotten pretty quickly. This is a Spanish/Italian co-production but you wouldn't guess that from watching as it is filmed in partly in England and seems very British. The main gal here is one of the ladies that Alex has the threesome with in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE and that's a much better thing to remember her from. There's also a gay, bass-playing, cat-loving neighbor that's pretty fun. Apart from him, a cool music score and a couple of nasty murders with a little sickle-looking tool this one seems fairly skippable. Also the title is laughably generic for this type of movie.

This Youtube version looks(and sounds) better than my stupid DVD!:





Tuesday, June 5, 2018

RING OF DARKNESS (1979)


 As far as Italian EXORCIST-rip-off movies go this one has a pretty different take on the ol' "my daughter is possessed by a demon-tale". For one thing the daughter here is controlled by Satan himself, who for the most part just stands around and points at people but we are assured that he has some great powers. For another thing this gives a good reason for her demonic experience, mainly her mom is involved with this weird Satanic cult that does kooky rituals. Things get a bit more predictable when John Philip Law shows up as a priest hired to perform an exorcism but even that is performed with it's own unique style. Maris Mell(Law's super hot co-star in DANGER; DIABOLIK) also appears as one of the coven of devilish moms. Overall the film is a bit of a jumbled mess and probably more interesting if you've previously viewed a few of the other EXORCIST-clones for comparison. The one element that might scare fans of this off is that the daughter here, Lara Wendel, was only 14 years old when this was filmed and we see her very naked throughout the runtime, including a big showdown battle of magic with her mum, but this was Europe in the 70s when this kinda thing wasn't viewed so shockingly. An interesting watch but woulda been a bit better if they came up with an ending. AKA SATAN'S WIFE



Super cool soundtrack that evokes Fulci and Argento with a bit of DAWN OF THE DEAD thrown in for good measure!:



Wacky DVD cover!: 




Saturday, June 2, 2018

THE BOXER'S OMEN (1983)


 In addition to being the weirdest of the Shaw Brothers studios films this one has also got to be the grossest of all their horror output. Scenes of evil wizard-typers chowing down on animal intestines and slim-covered tentacles of various sizes abound. Most disturbing to me was either the part where one baddie chomps on various disgusting offal then spits it out and has his buddy eat it or the bit where a Satan-loving magician vomits up some crap and re-eats it himself. The plot here starts out with the great Bolo Yeung in his usual role as a muscle-bound badass bully, in this case a Thai boxer who kicks the crap out of our main character's brother leaving him a crippled mess for the rest of the movie. Then it becomes a revenge-flick but it quickly takes a strange detour into black magic territory when a deceased Buddhist priest contacts our hero. From there it's a laundry list of insane images and quite colorful pseudo-religious insanity. Zombie bat puppets are revived from the dead, a real chicken is decapitated to revive some alligator skulls, an large eel is vomited up outta nowhere, little dinosaur skeletons with eyes instead of heads are created, spider use straws to drink some colorful magic goop, a super fake rubber alligator is used as a maggot-filled incubator to create a witchy woman and lots of stuff that's pretty hard to even describe occurs. In the same vein as the earlier BLACK MAGIC movies but the crazy is turned up to 11 in this one. It really needs to be seen to be believed.
 This was released as BLACK MAGIC 4 in America at some point.

 

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

XTRO (1982)


 I'd first seen this movie back in the VHS days and thought it sucked except for that one scene, the only memorable one really, where a lady gives birth to a full grown man after being raped by an E.T. Fast forward some 30 years later and I figured I would give this another chance since I've heard a few people claim to really like this one for some reason. Well upon my recent rewatch I have to say this one is still pretty crappy. I mean there's a couple of cool things, a guy getting his throat cut by a toy top, midget clown hijinks, alien bloodsucking and some really bizarre imagery that almost make this feel like an attempted art-film. Unfortunately the boring Britishness of it all tends to outweigh the positives and the fact that nothing makes much sense and it all ends with nothing being resolved or explained doesn't help. I guess I was right the first time.
 Somehow there were 2 sequels to this made by the same director(Harry Bromley Davenport) in the 90s but I'm in no hurry to watch them. Also I think they are sequels in name only and don't have anything to do with this movie's nonsensical story at all.




Italian VHS:

Spanish DVD:


Monday, May 28, 2018

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD II (1988)


 I thought I had seen this one before but apparently I had only viewed the first and third entries in this series. This doesn't really matter much because this one is not actually a sequel at all and is basically a really crappy remake of Part 1 with extra helpings of really dumb retard humour thrown in because I guess the director, Ken Wiederhorn, felt that the first movie wasn't dumb enough for 1988?? The first film, while not my favorite zombie movie of all time, at least has some cool punk-rock characters, naked Linnea Quigley and rocking tunes. This one has none of that. It does bring back Thom Mathews and James Karen to basically play the same parts they had in the first movie but this time they have different names, are extra-annoying and yell a whole bunch for no reason. There's barely any gore this time, there's no nudity, instead of punk rockers you get stupid little kids and only a couple of people actually die from what I saw(though I did doze off due to boredom at one point so maybe something exciting happened then but I doubt it). I'm not even sure why this one is rated R. Stick with the first one or if you're a big fan of piercing check out Part 3 which also has the common decency to throw some nudity into their zombie flick.

 


             Goofy-ass German poster(under the title GREAT ARE THE WILD ZOMBIES, I think?) that is way more fitting for the stupidity of this movie!:


Wednesday, May 16, 2018

MARTYRS (2016)


 Of course remaking director Pascal Laugier's French horror/downer epic into an Americanized version is completely retarded. I mean going in you know they aren't going to top the insanely depressing mode of the original and regurgitating something that was so fresh at the time only 8 years later is totally pointless. For about the first half of this film it's a pretty straight-forward remake. Then there's a point where the films diverge a bit. I will give this version credit for one thing, and one thing only, they sorta shift the focus from the main character of Anna to the original victim and vengeance-seeker Lucy which makes a bit more sense plot-wise. Sadly I think this was the only good idea they had. The rest of the "originality" involves stupid out-of-place action scenes with Anna(Bailey Noble) gaining some super powers after being buried alive. The ending tries to pack the same punch as the original but by then it's gone too far off the rails to garner much of an emotional response. Luckily I think this thing will pretty much sink into obscurity as a footnote and the original will continue to be remembered as the nihilistic masterpiece that it is or at least I hope that's the case.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

SKULLDUGGERY (1970)


 Burt Reynolds meets Bigfoot?? Kinda, sorta. Bigfoot here is actually a whole clan of ape-people, or Tropi as they are called. Most of the movie though is just a typical jungle adventure until our group discovers these primitives. Then Burt uses the Tropi as slaves to work a mine, then his drunken partner bangs one of the female creatures and impregnates it, then Burt gets upset because some rich guy wants to also use the Tropi as slaves. Amazingly the film then devolves into the worst of genres before it ends, the dreaded courtroom drama! William "Blacula" Marshall plays an attorney who calls everyone a filthy racist if they don't think the ape-people are human-beings deserving of the same rights as everyone else. Finally a militant black power dude with an afro shows up to make fun of the mother ape and it all ends on a very downbeat note. Apparently the original cut of this film was more intensely about race-relations but in this finished version that only comes up in the last 15 minutes or so which seems a bit jarring and out of place.  Ultimately this film sounds a lot better when describing it then actually viewing it but it is odd enough that it keeps you watching just to see what the hell is going to happen next. Sadly the payoff is pretty dumb.




                                                      TROPIS: MAN OR APE?