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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Thursday, April 28, 2016

KISS ME QUICK (1964)


 Nudie-cuties with monsters are my favorites! Sadly, besides this and HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN, I don't think there were a lot more of them. This one concerns an alien who impersonates Laurel and Hardy and is sent to Earth to find a human female to take back to the planet Buttless. So of course he meets up with a mad scientist who just so happens to have a whole load of swinging 60s chicks for him(and us) to peruse. It's just a non-stop barrage of bad jokes, nekkid women, go-go dancing and some monsters show up from time to time. You get a Frankenstein who used to be a woman(this movie is so progressive!), a Mummy and Dracula. It's basically the film equivalent of an old-timey burlesque show. So if you like stupid campy humour, bumbling monsters, beehives to the ceiling and jiggling tits this is fantastic! For most people this would probably be a bit tiresome after a while. Luckily it's only a little over an hour long. AKA DR. BREEDLOVE OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE

Hotty- Totty Girls!!:
 

Evis can dig it!:

BAD BAD GANG (1972)


 While I certainly have no problem with pubic hair in my 70s porn, or even in my personal life, there's one dude in this movie who looks like he's wearing the bottom half of a gorilla suit while he's boning this lady. So I guess if that's your fetish this is the porn for you. For "normal" people this is a weirdo mix of a biker movie with grimy 70s fuck movie. The print of this that I watched, on Something Weird Video, is really beat up but that seems appropriate. There's not really much story. A biker gang hassles 4 squares(including one of the world's first porno stars Rene Bond) then they get mean and some pseudo rape stuff happens. It's all pretty mild though so if you're looking for something really rough you will have to look elsewhere. If you just wanna see some hirsute folks(and one half monkey-man) banging each other lookie here! There seems to either be some footage missing at the end or they just forgot to shoot any kind of actual ending. The cops seem to show up but their dialogue seems to be cut out. I'll just assume the bikers all get away to make a better movie elsewhere.
 There's also a different softcore version of this put out by Alpha Blue Archives but why anyone would wanna watch that I have no idea.


Click here for the whole dirty movie!


Available as part of this cool-looking set but apparently it's a softcore cut:

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

DOUBLE DRAGON (1994)


 This theater near me shows kung fu movies and the admission is really cheap. The catch is that the actual movie you will be watching is kept a secret until it starts up. This usually works out good and I've seen many classic Shaw Brothers films and some crazy off-the-wall obscurities there. Sadly one day this also played and it was one of the worst things I've ever had to sit through in a theater. It contains many elements that are just awful, the main one being that it's a martial arts movie where it seems that not many of the actors knew any kung fu(except for stuntman/actor Al Leong who is always a badass, even in this crap!). The soundtrack is another egregious thing also it was made in the 90s so it just looks terrible in general like most things from that terrible time period. The costumes in this are particularly vomit-inducing. Also it's based on a video game and those movies always blow. Also it's basically a kiddie movie and it's rated PG-13 so there's no way I woulda intentionally watched this in the first place even if it was free. There are a bunch of celebrity cameos including Vanna White, Andy Dick and Michael Berryman, you get to watch Alyssa Milano bend over a couple of times and the main bad guy is played by that guy from TERMINATOR 2(Robert Patrick). None of this makes this all that enjoyable though. Stick with the real kung fu dammit!



The most enjoyable aspect of this movie!:




Monday, April 25, 2016

ORGY IN THE PSYCHO HOUSE (1969)



 It's a shame that it looks like the only version of this movie around is missing about ten minutes of it's run time right at the end of the movie. What is here is pretty interesting. It's basically a softcore porn flick meets a gory horror movie with some annoying artsy touches thrown in. The sex scenes mostly involve some not very attractive people rolling around on beds, also it looked like some of this stuff may have been slightly clipped also. The horror stuff, most notably, involves an upside down castration, eyes gouged out with a knife and an axe murder, all done with terrible but fitting-for-a-low-budget-60s-sex-flick-fx. The artsy-fartsy stuff drags the movie down a lot and even at less than an hour it makes the movie drag. It does help maintain that "freak-out" vibe and make for an interesting weirdo experience. The most entertaining character here is by-far Louie(Louis Waldon) who's a speed-dealing whackjob who burns a lady's ass with his cigar, tells stories about eating monkey brains and is a such a freak as he is told numerous times throughout. He also sets the whole "orgy" in motion and sadly comes to a tragic end. I think maybe the message here is you can't even trust your own family.
 The director here, Ron Sullivan went on to make  over 300 classic porn films under the name Henri Pachard and you can see that porn aesthetic at work here.  AKA THE EROTIC CIRCUS and EXOTIC CIRCUS



Tuesday, April 19, 2016

CANDY (1968)


 I thought at first this was going to be some sort of a teen sex comedy flick but it's actually something much stranger and more unique than that. This is the sort of film that could only have been made in the late 60s. Based on some sexy 60s book the plot follows our main character Candy(Ewa Aulin) from high-school to her travels all over the U.S. getting into some sexy hi-jinks and bizarre adventures. It reminded of the 70s porn flick CANDY GOES TO HOLLYWOOD which was obviously an X-rated takeoff on this and it also reminded me of a live-action version of one of those Ralph Bakshi cartoon films. This isn't porn though and doesn't even have much nudity besides an occasional nipple or bare-ass supplied by our young star here and there. There's a ridiculously star-studded cast including Marlon Brando as an Eastern mystic, James Coburn as an egotistical doctor, Richard Burton as a famous poet who acts like a rock star, Walter Matthau as a gung-ho army sergeant and Ringo Starr as a Mexican landscaper who becomes a priest amongst other fellows who are all looking to get into Candy's underpants. Gomez Addams(John Astin) has a dual role as Candy's dad and weirdo uncle and director John Huston also appears. There's a hunchback who can climb walls like Spiderman, some bumbling cops, an insane director, a soundtrack by Steppenwolf and an ending that is slightly reminiscent of Jodorowsky's HOLY MOUNTAIN. A real oddball treat that lovers of the bizarre needs to watch at least once.
 Technically I think this was considered a Hollywood movie back in the day but it was an Italian/French co-production with a lot of Italian names in the credits and a French Director(Christian Marquand).




The book!:

Monday, April 18, 2016

THE KARATE KILLER (1973)


 This kung fu movie starts out promisingly enough with a baby getting stabbed to death by an evil villainous bastard and a bare-assed young man getting chased down and having hot ashes poured upon his butt for fun. Sadly from there it devolves into standard long-ass fight scenes with bad Japanese fighting good Chinese freedom fighters or at least I assume that's the plot since that's usually the case with these sorts of things. The main bad-guy uses a razor-sharp ponytail as his main weapon which is kinda cool but not really cool enough to stay awake through this whole thing in one sitting. My DVD of this has some very ninja-like fighters on it which never show up in the actual movie but this is pretty common for these cheap-o DVD's that you find in the front of porn shops in those bad neighborhoods.  AKA STONE COLD WU TANG, STRANGER FROM CANTON and HAND OF DEATH

Friday, April 15, 2016

THE SLAYER (1982)



  For a slasher movie this sure has a low body count. This is mainly due to the fact that the whole movie consists of four main characters that we hang out with on an island. I was willing to cut this movie some slack since it at least had a nice creepy atmosphere and decent acting going for it(this is  due to actual adults being the protagonists rather than the standard slasher flick "teenagers-in-peril" formula) but then it goes and ruins everything with a stupid asshole ending. In fact I'm not even sure what this ending means. Is there actually a monster? Was it all a dream? Is there time-traveling involved? Don't worry none of these questions will be answered but we will just call this an abstract concept art horror film and then it will make people feel smart after watching it. There are some unique kills which is always a plus but with it's slow-pace I think this may only be enjoyable by someone who has seen every other film in the slasher genre and is very forgiving. AKA NIGHTMARE ISLAND

"If it's only a nightmare, why is everybody dead?"- sums up why this movie is pretty dumb
 

Thursday, April 14, 2016

THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON (1959)


 "I've told him before that bourbon and water go together, not bourbon and radiation!"

 This has always been one of my favorite 50s monster-on-the-loose flicks. I'm not exactly sure why but I think it has something to do with a monster who wears pants being such an absurd visual that I can't help but love it! This is also why I rank THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE(also from 1959) so high. This monster here is a bit cooler though since he hangs out in a dive bar and ends up in a sleazy ladies bedroom which makes him much more relatable to me personally. Also after killing a bully he goes home and just wants to be left alone in his room which means this monster is somewhat in control and not a mindless rampaging creature which is a neat twist for a 50s monster. For such an obviously low-budgeted film this really stands out and I think it should be a more popular cult-classic. Maybe if it had ever been on Mystery Science Theater the 30-year-old monster-kids would rate it higher.
 There was a re-dubbed comedy version of this movie called in 1983 called WHAT'S UP HIDEOUS SUN DEMON?(AKA REVENGE OF THE SUN DEMON) that I have not seen and I'm not sure I need to.




 AKA THE (regular/non-hideous)SUN DEMON:


Sunday, April 10, 2016

THE CURSE OF THE CRYING WOMAN (1963)



 I remember first seeing this old creaky Mexican horror movie on Commander U.S.A.'s GROOVIE MOVIES program. He used to always make such a big deal about star Abel Salazar which is funny since he's such an unremarkable actor. He does get to have a big fight at the end of this but even that isn't all that exciting. In fact this whole movie is so slow-moving and hard to stay awake through I'm not sure if I ever made it to it's conclusion until this last viewing. There are a couple of interesting bits, besides the titular crying/crud-faced woman you get a monstrous assistant who hobbles around wearing one big Frankenstein boot, a crazy dude who I think is a werewolf but I musta dozed off at that part, a gang of killer Scooby-Doo dogs, a witch lady and eyeballs that turn black often. Overall though this one is pretty dull and there's no luchadores to be seen anywhere(for that you have to watch VENGEANCE OF THE CRYING WOMAN which stars Santo!).
 I have only seen the AIP-TV cut of this so maybe the original-language version makes more sense but I certainly hope it's not any longer than this.


BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO MEET THE INVISIBLE MAN (1951)


 This Invisible Man(no relation to that other one) is a boxer who's framed for murder and gets a couple of goofy-ass detectives(A & C) to help him clear his name. It's really hard for me to judge these classic A & C flicks since they have so much sentimental value after being a staple of my childhood TV-watching years. This one is not quite up there with their FRANKENSTEIN meeting or most of the group's other monster match-ups(this one doesn't really have any horror elements at all but more of a sci-fi feel with some mobster-drama thrown in) but it's still an enjoyable stupid watch on a Sunday morning. As a bonus you get Fred Mertz(William Frawley) as a police detective.
 AKA ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE INVISIBLE MAN





THE MUMMY'S HAND (1940)



 I always found the original 1932 MUMMY movie to be pretty dull so I never bothered watching any of the other movies in this series(Except for the Abbott & Costello one). Coming across a cheap VHS of this I figured I would give it a shot. Surprisingly I found this chapter in the mummy saga(technically not a sequel) to be a lot more entertaining. The main thing is, unlike the original, there's actually a mummy-monster who wreaks havoc and has some action scenes. Mostly choking people out and stumbling about but hey that still counts as action. Also they threw in a couple of comic-relief characters as our main protagonists which act as a sorta prototype Abbott & Costello(though not as funny or slapsticky). Of course there is no Boris Karloff and in his place is George Zucco who is no Karloff but still alright and hateable as the evil Egyptian priest. While I still don't think The Mummy himself is all that great of a monster at least this was a passable time-waster and not as dull as I had dreaded.
 The folloeing movies in this series are:
THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1942)
THE MUMMY'S GHOST (1944)
THE MUMMY'S CURSE (1944)
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE MUMMY (1955)






Friday, April 8, 2016

THE TERROR (1963)


 Slow-moving Roger Corman-directed AIP horror flick that has that classic feel. This is mainly due to Boris Karloff's presence as a brooding Baron who has secluded himself in his seaside spooky castle but there's also a witch, a young Dick Miller as Boris' servant, a face-meltdown, a bird that eats eyeballs right out of your head and enough other creepy elements to make this one watchable. There's also some twists at the end which make it worthwhile. Jack Nicholson does an OK job as a bewitched French soldier before growing his hair out and heading off to make all those great biker flicks later on in the 60s. The plot itself is just a variation on Edgar Allen Poe stories which Corman had already made(HOUSE OF USHER and PIT AND THE PENDULUM) and which are actually better movies so go watch them first.
 Francis Ford Coppola helped shoot this and it's been claimed that it was all shot in 4 days but apparently that was just the scenes with Karloff.
 Being in the public domain this movie is in just about every cheap-ass horror DVD set out there right alongside NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.
 AKA THE CASTLE OF TERROR and THE HAUNTING(released-to-TV-version)




There's a bunch of shitty-artwork VHS releases of this:


Here's one from my collection:


DEATHSPORT (1978)



 Since the movie DEATH RACE 2000 is so amazing and this is sort of a follow up to that you will be in for a serious disappointment watching this. DEATH RACE has social commentary, great acting jobs, ridiculous characters and pedestrians getting mowed down by absurd race cars. This is a stupid sci-fi/post-apocalyptic mess with barely a plot. It's not really a sequel and David Carradine isn't playing Frankenstein like he does in the original but according to producer Roger Corman this is part 2 even though the stories have nothing to do with each other. If you have a fetish for seeing Mr. Carradine half-naked maybe this will be a good time. Most of the film is made up of motorcycles being driven in the desert, Richard Lynch (that guy who played a bunch of villains throughout the 80s) acting sinister and fights with plexi-glass swords and ray-guns that make people disappear. The actual DEATHSPORT game isn't even the main focus of the film. The only bright spots are a couple of nude scenes featuring Claudia Jennings and a Penthouse Pet (Valerie Rae) but this doesn't really make up for the overall crappy spectacle.


Death Sport Trailer 1978 by filmow