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A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!

A mad journey into the mind of the depraved!
Recommended for devolved primates only!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

BRUCE AGAINST SNAKE IN THE EAGLE'S SHADOW (1979)


 You know you're watching a really crappy kung-fu flick when the most interesting thing is the background music. This one gives us a cheesey Muzak-version of The Beatles' "Obladi Oblada". It also starts out giving us a sorta midget-comedy where our Bruce Lee stand-in, who doesn't look or act like the real Bruce in the slightest, gets a little-person sidekick for a bit. The rest of the movie has to do with some romantic plot that I quickly lost interest in with some shitty fight scenes thrown in from time to time. There is one highlight where a bunch of gals grapple with each other on the beach and we get a brief flash of boobs.
 The title is a take-off on the Jackie Chan movie SNAKE IN THE EAGLE'S SHADOW but it has nothing else to do with that film.



En Espanol:

Saturday, December 13, 2014

THEY CALL HIM BRUCE LEE (1979)


                      "He's good boss, damn good. Fuckers fast man! I couldn't even touch him!"

I would think this title was meant to capitalize on the success of or confuse people with the comedy THEY CALL ME BRUCE except that movie didn't come out until 1982 so I'm, not sure how that works. Of course actual release dates are often a bit sketchy on these bottom-of-the-barrel kung fu flicks. The main character here is a guy named Jack Lee who looks nothing like Bruce Lee even when he wears the yellow tracksuit. Also the title has lied to me since no one ever calls him Bruce Lee. Besides this the main problem with this film is that there's very little fighting or action in it and a major portion of this is concerned with love triangle drama or maybe it's supposed to be a comedy. Either way it's not much fun. On the positive side sometimes people make Three Stooges noises when they get hit and for a few seconds they play a Muzak version of Jigsaw's song "Sky High" which might be one of the greatest ridiculous 70's pop songs ever! Unfortunately neither of these things make this movie worth a watch.

GENTS WITHOUT CENTS (1944)


 This Stooges short is mostly famous for having the "Niagara Falls/Slowly I Turn" skit in it where Curly gets smacked around. Abbot & Costello used the same bit in LOST IN A HAREM which came out the same year. Technically though the Stooges scene performing this was shot a year earlier for a film called GOOD LUCK, MR. YATES. It ended up getting cut from that film and inserted here. Since this is an old vaudeville routine that neither one actually originated it's hard to say anyone ripped anyone else off but I have read that Moe Howard was not a fan of Abbott & Costello and it seems odd that both groups had films in the same year with this in it. Classic Stooges' anyway.

 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

PATRICK (1978)


 I've seen the super -gory Italian sequel to this, 1980's PATRICK STILL LIVES, where a lady gets a poker jammed up her vagina, so I figured I should check this one out. This is probably not the optimal way to watch these two movies since this first one is like the complete opposite of it's Eurotrash follow-up. While technically a better-made film I probably woulda liked this way more if it wasn't so damn long. It's a slow movie which can be fine for building tension but slow and almost 2 hours is usually a bad recipe for my personal enjoyment(there's also a 140 minute director's cut that I don't think I need to endure). Also this movie has very little gore and no blood so basically it's just a psychological thriller about a creepy vegetable-guy with telekinetic powers(which were very popular powers to have in the late 70's thanks to CARRIE) falling in love with his nurse and I'm more of a trash-cinema aficionado.
 There was a remake of this made in 2013 and if I know anything about remakes made in 2013 it's that none of them are ever worth a shit. It was actually made in Australia though so maybe that's a good sign??



Sunday, December 7, 2014

DRACULA A.D. 1972 (1972)


 This is the 7th film in Hammer's Dracula series and while I like the idea of Dracula Vs. swingin' 70's British hippies, this movie, for the most part, is pretty dull. Many Hammer films are slow and talky and often the old-timey setting is pretty unexciting. This time they set it in the modern-day(1970's) so at least you get an acid-rock band and some partying acid-heads. The whole Dracula part though is so predictable and standard that it's really hard to get into the film on any level. It starts with a flash-back which wasn't in the previous movie(SCARS OF DRACULA) and then ends in a pretty similar way. Hammer couldn't have come up with something at least a little bit original here? Pretty disappointing despite the presence of Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, some super red blood and a couple of scantily-clad English birds.


 In Denmark this is known under the title VAMPIRE HUNTER HOTPANTS which might be one of the most amazing titles ever!:


   In some European countries this didn't come out until 1973:

GODZILLA'S REVENGE (1969)


 The 10th film in the Godzilla series and many people consider this to be the very worst of them all. It's hard to argue against that notion. The main problems here are that it's a kiddie movie, starring a little boy as our hero, which seems way more like a Gamera movie than a Toho film and it uses a whole bunch of stock footage from previous Godzilla monster bashes. Also all the scenes that take place on Monster Island are in the imagination of a little boy so in this reality none of these creatures even exist. If this isn't bad enough there's also a sub-plot about some annoying bungling bank robbers and the dubbed version has some of the most comedic-sounding bucktoothed Asian stereotypical sounding voices you might ever hear. The only positive thing I can say about this is when I was a very little kid I appreciated it as being a sort-of greatest hits package of Godzilla fights so it at least has nostalgic value for me but I doubt anyone who wasn't raised watching this movie multiple times would find anything that isn't cringe-worthy in it. Also the opening tune, in the American dub, is kinda cool in a wacky 60's kind of way. AKA MINYA: THE SON OF GODZILLA, GODZILLA, MINYA AND GABARA: ALL MONSTERS ATTACK and ATTACK ALL MONSTERS
 The movies this pilfers footage from include GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER and SON OF GODZILLA



Released in 1971 in the U.S. on an unlikely double-bill with a British Christopher Lee sci-fi thriller:

And then later on re-released on a way more appropriate double-feature:


THE INCREDIBLE PARIS INCIDENT (1967)


 So is Argoman related to Superargo and what the hell does Argo mean anyway? While Superargo is more of an Italian Batman/Santo mash-up this one is way more James Bond but only if Bond had super-powers, wore a crazy outfit with new-wave/Devo glasses and then temporarily lost his powers after banging hot chicks. I probably prefer Superargo for it's outlandishness but this one's pretty cool also and feels like a not quite as stylish take-off of DANGER: DIABOLIK. There's an evil big clunky robot, goofy masked henchmen and lots of attractive Euro-ladies to ogle. The film does drag a bit in the middle and whenever our hero is in his civilian mode but overall a fun campy super-hero flick. AKA ARGOMAN, ARGOMAN THE FANTASTIC SUPERMAN, THE FANTASTIC ARGOMAN and HOW TO STEAL THE CROWN OF ENGLAND.

Here he is!:





The many posters of Argoman!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1953)


 The only reason I've seen this film is because it's an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and I think without viewing it being made fun of it's a pretty crappy kid's fantasy movie. There's puppets and a bird with a ladies head on it and honestly for special fx from 1953 they are pretty decent. There's also an added weird element in that this is a movie made in The Soviet Union that purportedly features a Russian version of Sinbad who's usually depicted as being Persian. Upon doing more research though I've found out that the hero here is actually named Sadko, which is also the original title, who's a character from Russian fairy tales and not supposed to be Sinbad at all.
 This was released by AIP in the U.S. in a cut version, and there's supposedly also a black & white version, which Francis Ford Coppola had something to do with and the original uncut release is simply called SADKO, which according to those that have seen it is the only way to watch this. I'm not sure if I ever need to do this, I think I'll stick to those Ray Harryhausen movies if I ever find myself needing a Sinbad-fix, but it's good to know it's not actually as terrible a film as I thought.


Original flavor:

THE BARBARIANS (1987)


 I've avoided watching this for a long time because it just looked so very stupid, and while it certainly is very stupid it's also got a couple of cool things(at least to me) about it despite it's terrible stars that should really only star on the cover of cheesy hallmark birthday cards. For one thing it was directed by Ruggero Deodato, best known for his Italian cannibal flicks, so it at least has a smidgen of bloodletting even if it's no CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, secondly it features roles by Michael "HILLS HAVE EYES" Berryman and George "ANTHROPOPHAGOUS" Eastman which is cool to see and Richard Lynch as the main bad-guy who seems to be acting his ass off in a movie that doesn't really deserve that kinda conviction, and thirdly there's a couple of bare boobs on display. Besides all this though it's basically a semi-comedic rip-off of CONAN THE BARBARIAN with some annoying "funny"-bits and one large fake-looking dragon who bleeds green goopy blood. Probably only watchable by hardcore bad-movie appreciators.



Sunday, November 23, 2014

KUNG FU COCKFIGHTER (198?)


 I have no idea what the actual title of this one is, or even exactly where it was made or when it was released, but I'm sure it's not KUNG FU COCKFIGHTER. That's the title they slapped on it in more recent times though so I guess I'll go with it. Most kung fu movies don't even have any nudity in them but this one features hardcore sex scenes which makes it a real oddity for this genre. The story concerns a wizard guy who has super powers that make his cock able to deflect swords, break boulders and shoot smoke out of his dick. There's also his evil master who's a sex-crazy rapey sort of fellow and a lady who can break poles with her pussy and shoot out pieces of wood like bullets. The film itself is packed with nudity, there's a torture scene where a gal gets here vag roasted and by the end it becomes a ghost movie. Needless to say this is a real bizarre watch and despite the title there's not really all that much kung fu'ing that goes on but still worth a look for admirers of the weird and might be the only actual graphic Asian-made kung-fu-porn I've seen so far.
 This is listed everywhere as having come out in 1976 but the musical cues seem to be taken from 80's films so this is probably wrong.







Saturday, November 22, 2014

DEATH GAME (1977)


 DEATH GAME is a strange psycho-sexual thriller/horror flick about an innocent man who's thrust into a horrible situation involving a couple of nutso gals (Sondra Locke who I know from dating Clint Eastwood and being in a bunch of his films and Colleen Camp who was one of the Playmates in APOCALYPSE NOW and featured in THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS) who seem to enjoy creating chaos and fear. The strange inclusion of kiddie music intercut with some maudlin dirge-like tunes makes for a pretty uncomfortable atmosphere throughout the whole thing. It also reverses the usual 70's rape theme and makes the females the aggressors in just about every way. I'm not sure if the film is as terrifying if you're not a man and if, like myself, you've not had your share of psychotic ex-girlfriend experiences but I can only speak for myself when I say this works to a pretty big degree in being unsettling. One of the things I was trying to figure out though is how the two crazy girls knew so much about the fellow who's house they were invading. I guess, as with many works of fiction that are more about exploring a theme than telling a detailed story, it's more about just going with what you're shown and not thinking too deeply about such questions. AKA THE SEDUCERS



Monday, November 17, 2014

EXECUTIONER II: KARATE INFERNO (1974)


 I've never seen the first EXECUTIONER(except for the bits they show in the opening here) but I'm not sure if it matters very much since from what I've read this sequel is pretty different from the first movie. Apparently the first film has lots of sex and violence in it while this one goes for a really slapstick comedy vibe for a lot of the film. When I think of Sonny Chiba screwball antics and fart jokes are not what I would normally associate with him and they seem really odd here. Towards the end there is some pretty graphic fight scenes including Chiba ripping out what I think is a guy's liver and also knocking some teeth and eyeballs out which is more in line with what you would expect from Mr. STREET FIGHTER. It's hard to fully recommend this one unless you want to see what it would be like if The Three Stooges made a Japanese action/kung-fu movie in the 70's. AKA KARATE INFERNO





Sunday, November 16, 2014

DUEL FOR GOLD (1971)


 When I think of heist movies I generally think of American and European movies of the 60's and 70's. I never associate them with the Shaw Brothers studio or kung fu at all but what you get here is a melding of a kung fu and a heist film. The obvious moral, which is hammered home constantly in this film, is that greed is bad. We see back-stabbing, double-crossing and various treachery amongst a group of basically four main characters who are all trying to become very wealthy after a carefully planned robbery. While this isn't my favorite Shaw film ever it plays pretty well and you get an arm and a leg chopped off in a bloody fashion towards the end so that's something. Also it has what is always my favorite ending where just about everyone dies. Not a bad watch for a cold Sunday afternoon.