RESURRECTION (1999)

Russell Mulcahy is a director I've never been into. A lot of people love HIGHLANDER but having seen it back when I was a kid I was completely lost and not a fan. Besides his Australian killer pig movie, RAZORBACK, I could care less about his whole filmography. This one is a typically bad 90's piece of crap. It's about a religious psycho who is trying to rebuild the body of Jesus with parts from his victims which he's gonna bring back to life on Easter?? Not a great plan? It's basically a rip-off of SEVEN which itself is just an over-rated big budget Hollywood horror movie. Of course they call them thrillers cuz only creeps like me watch horror movies. But thrillers are OK to watch with your grandma. Fuck you too Hollywood. The only thing I found interesting is that David Cronenberg shows up in a small part as a priest but that doesn't make the movie much better.

This guy would look right at home on a Cannibal Corpse album:

SHOCK (1977)

Daria Nicolodi vs. a bunch of inanimate objects? Mario Bava's last movie is a pretty big letdown from the Italian master of the gothic horror film. This one's basically a pretty stupid, mostly boring haunted house/possession movie which then turns out to not even be what it seems to be. The twists aren't unexpected at all. My main problem is the annoying little jackass kid in this. Is every little boy in Italy an irritating little pansy? If you watch enough of these Italian horror flicks you would definitely think so. In this one he's even kind of the hero of the story. A hero who no one will root for due to his grating performance. Hard to believe this was the same director as DANGER: DIABOLIK or BLACK SABBATH. It seems closer to one of the crappier Lucio Fulci films like MANHATTAN BABY or THE PSYCHIC or something like that. A.K.A.- BEYOND THE DOOR II (I've never seen BEYOND THE DOOR but after watching this I don't really know if I need to)

A nifty double feature with that killer alien on Earth movie!: 

MOON(2009)

Best serious science fiction movie I've seen in a long time. Beautifully shot and thought provoking look at humanity. The acting by Sam Rockwell is amazing in what he singularly conveys. Shot on a pretty low budget but doesn't look like it at all. Similar themes to BLADE RUNNER, which if I expound on and talk about it or the plot too much it spoils the movie. There are twists and turns that I didn't expect the first time I watched it and I hate when assholes give everything away in a review. So see it for yourself if your any kind of a sci-fi fan. I'm not sure if I'm gonna rush back and watch this again anytime soon though as it contains some fairly depressing ideas but overall it sits up there with the greats like 2001.

TARGETS (1968)

Boris Karloff Vs. Charles Whitman? Well that's the basic idea behind this thriller starring the iconic horror star. Karloff pretty much plays himself and the sniper is a slight variation of Charlie. It is a little dull until the shooting starts and the 2 story-lines meet up at the end. This was considered a B-movie at the time but doesn't really look like one. This is one of Peter Bogdanovich's first films and the only one I've ever seen. The ending is not all that satisfying but overall it's not bad. Bogdanovich's VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN with Mamie Van Doren sounds like a winner that I have to check out at some point.

Targets are people!:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

A pretty forgettable slasher flick from the early days of the genre. It's hard to imagine that at one time they could actually get real actors to be in these things but, like in this one, they did get at least a couple. Stars that deaf chick from LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE, which always make me look at this like it's some kind of bloody TV movie of the week, plus Glenn Ford who was an old-timer going back to the 30's. The shish-kabob in the mouth murder scene is pretty much the only memorable thing in this and they even put it right on the poster. Filmed in Canada so it has that kinda MY BLOODY VALENTINE feel to it only not nearly as good. I also really hate the music in this thing especially the shitty end theme. Yuck!

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1980)

What can you say about the granddaddy of all cannibal movies? I caught this for the first time on the big screen last night, after seeing it countless times on VHS and DVD, and really enjoyed the intensity of it all. The only negative thing I can point out is the inappropriate use of music in certain scenes which goes along with the repetitive use of a couple of music beds. Kind of reminds me of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT in that respect, but the completely absurd music in that one works better as a jarring contradiction. CANNIBAL FEROX is a more bat-shit crazy version of this which, if I wanna see a nutty exploitation movie, I prefer due to its lack of any silly moralizing. But this one still reigns as the epitome of this small disgusting genre. P.S.- please stop crying about animals being killed if you eat meat you hypocritical jerk-offs.

SYMPATHY FOR LADY VENGEANCE (2005)

The 3rd part of director Chan-Wook Park's "vengeance" trilogy is my least favorite. If you blink you're lost. The cuts in this film go back in forth in time and place constantly. There seems to be a million different characters to keep track of. In comparison MR. VENGEANCE is simplicity and I am a firm believer in keeping it simple for the stupid people out there like myself. It also seems to go on way to long which is a problem I feel it shares with OLDBOY. The scenes are all shot beautifully though and the ending is a very powerful one in which vengeance does run wild but that again goes on after the movie could have ended. All in all I view this whole series as starting out great and getting not so great as they go on. I do have to re-watch OLDBOY again at some point. That one seems to be everyone's favorite except mine.

The American trailer seems to simplify things and turns it into a straight ahead revenge flick which it really isn't:

PLEASURE PALACE (1979)

A pretty forgettable 70's porn. Stars a lot of the greats of the golden era including Jamie Gillis, Robert Kerman(of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST fame)and Eric Edwards who all do a good job. My main problem is the version I have of this is the soft-core one available on a double-feature DVD with PUNK ROCK. At barely over an hour long it feels like I'm missing a bunch of fuck scenes. Kind of reminds me of my younger days watching spliced-up porn on The Playboy Channel and while that would've gotten me off when I was 13, nowadays I just feel cheated. Not to say that all those dicks and vagina's would really make the movie better, it's just that if I'm gonna watch anything I wanna see it all. Does have a great soundtrack though. I can't imagine them doing this with any porn flicks today. I mean the things would run about 10-15 minutes at most I would think.

After Hours is great for putting out this obscure stuff and this quadruple feature looks enchanting:

RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP (2008)

 The original SLEEPAWAY CAMP is one of the nuttier, goofier of the 1980's slasher flicks that I am a big fan of. This one is a sorta decent sequel(part 5). Thanks to Wes Craven and that shit-hole smart-ass SCREAM movie in the 1990's they stopped making slasher movies that were any good. Of course whether any slasher movies are all that good is debatable. I find the golden age ones are enjoyable enough though. This being a modern-day version my expectations are pretty low. There's only a couple of newer slashers that I think are any good at all. LAID TO REST is a pretty decent one from what I remember and that's all that immediately comes to mind. Most of the kills in this are ridiculous and the cast is intentionally annoying. You wait for what feels like an eternity for the fat annoying kid to get killed. Best viewed with helpful alcohol. Isaac Hayes is in it for a bit and then disappears in what is sadly his last movie appearance. If you have a choice go with the 1983 recipe.

PUNK ROCK (1978)

I wanted to like this one more than I did. I mean mixing 70's punk rock with a porn movie seems like a natural, yet I had never seen it done before. Unfortunately the version I have is a soft-core version with all the fucking and sucking cut out. There is more music in this version though. The band THE FAST seem pretty awesome and I will be checking them out if possible. The whole thing doesn't really work as a look at the punk movement of the time since these bands are pretty unknown aside from THE FAST. And besides them these bands all seem pretty lame. The story is also a fairly dumb typical private-eye kinda thing. This is also known under various titles in differing degrees of raunchiness including- TEENAGE RUNAWAYS, ROCK FEVER and its original working title of PUNK ROCK ORGY MADNESS. How do you not go with PUNK ROCK ORGY MADNESS??? I guess that shows the brains behind this. As disappointing as this is it's still better than 98% of the porn made today and I can say that without even seeing the sex scenes. Go to Alpha Blue archives to get the hardcore version as seen above.

THE MARIJUANA MENACE (1937)

A.K.A- ASSASSIN OF YOUTH

The retarded sister of REEFER MADNESS? Actually REEFER MADNESS is pretty retarded in its own way. This anti-pot-smoking cautionary soap-opera-ish tale actually came first but it's not quite as ridiculous as its follow-up. There's a skinny dippin' scene with some brief 1930's nudity and lots of joint smokin' which makes these so-called teens act very goofy. There's also a town-gossip who looks just like the wicked witch from THE WIZARD OF OZ who rides around on a crazy looking moped instead of a broom. I've never watched this high but I'm thinking that might put me to sleep. In fact it is overall a good movie to put on if you're trying to get to sleep.

PLEASE DON'T EAT MY MOTHER (1973)

If you take LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and add some almost hardcore sex scenes this is what you get. Now if all remakes would add sex and ridiculous comedic scenes maybe they would have something going for them. The whole thing is ridiculous and badly acted but totally entertaining in a great campy way. Features Rene Bond who's familiar from tons of other exploitation movies. It's the kind of movie they invented Something Weird video for. The DVD from SW includes a great short called THE VOYEUR with star Buck Kartalian in which he plays a pervy peeper. A great package. AKA GLUMP, PLEASE NOT MY MOTHER, HUNGRY PETS, SEX POT SWINGERS and PLEASE RELEASE MY MOTHER

ANTICHRIST (2009)

How do you describe this one? A meditation on relationships, human-nature, death, life? Or is it Lars Von Triers version of a horror film, or simply as he's stated a by-product of depression? It can be seen as all those things and more. I guess it depends on what you bring to it. As with any good piece of art there are different interpretations open to the viewer. The most popular take has been that this is an anti-female movie. I can see where that's perhaps the most blatantly easy thing to come away with. I think it also depicts the male as being a coldly logical being. I think because of the brutal honesty on display there are bound to be people offended for various reasons real or imagined. A visually stunning presentation with thoughts abounding. I've seen it twice now and I think it's up there with the best in its uniqueness.

ZOMBIE 5: KILLING BIRDS (1987)

A couple of gory scenes are all that one can recommend from this bottom of the list Euro-zombie crapfest. First rule of spaghetti zombie movies should be that you have to include more than 1 or 2 zombies that only appear intermittently. Second rule is the story doesn't really matter cram your movie full of action and gore and everyone who likes these kind of movies will be happy. This movie tries to tell a very muddled story about this Vietnam vet getting revenge on his wife for screwing around and somehow turning her and the rest of his family all into zombies with the help of a bunch of birds who for some reason pluck the crazy vets eyes out or something like that. The problem is, as you can tell by that description, is that nothing really makes any sense and the more they try to tell a story the more stupid it becomes. Rule number 3 if your gonna make a stupid movie go for it. Go balls out and make it as dumb as you can. Then at least we can all get a few good laughs. The worst thing about this movie is of course the fact that it's a challenge to stay awake through most of the boring talky senseless parts which make up the majority of the movie. If you just want some gore watch the first few minutes for the murders then fast forward about 60-70 minutes until a couple of zombies show up and some dumb Italians in ugly 80's clothes get killed in ridiculous ways.

GRANNY (1999)

Truly awful nonsensical garbage. This movie does everything wrong except make the running time under an hour. The gore FX defy gravity & logic. There are no scares. The acting is abysmal, with everyone appearing to be reading their lines. There's a surprise ending that's just silly where we find out that things we saw happen didn't even happen. Boy do I hate cop out endings! They pad this thing out with long drawn-out shots of people doing nothing interesting(like putting on make-up or talking for what seems like forever). They have to pad out a movie that's under an hour long? Ridiculous. The story itself is pretty freakin' thin. I mean it's just a variation of the movie APRIL FOOL'S DAY, if I remember that movie correctly, and that film wasn't all that great either. The only good thing I can say is it seems to have been shot well. Too bad nothing happens that's very exciting. A friend of mine actually gave me this DVD. I can totally see why.

The trailer for this sucks ass also.

A GOOD TIME WITH A BAD GIRL (1967)

Prolific crap-movie director Barry Mahon directs this mind-bogglingly sleazy and dumb epic. It's sort of a shitty version of LOLITA with a middle-aged man having an affair with a 17 year old girl. Except later on in the movie we learn that he can't get it up. So I'm not sure how he had an affair. I mean did they just "smooch"? Well whatever. It starts off with an ass and some tits shaking for us all and then goes downhill pretty quickly. Probably the most boring nudie-cutie movie I've seen yet. Contains lots of stock footage of Las Vegas inserted and a main character who is a complete douche-bag square. I mean he has a chance to get wild in a bathroom with some 60's trollop and he turns that down, this young totally immoral thing is all over him and he apparently can't seal that deal. Just a typical 1960's square, man! It took me 3 attempts before I could get through the whole thing and it's only an hour long! Can't recommend this unless you are really into watching vintage vibrators do their stuff.

"Groovy"

THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN (1938)

If you are looking to see an all midget movie this might be you're only chance. Jed Buell's midgets star in what would be a pretty typical 30's style western and probably unwatchable if not for the novelty aspect. If you can get past the terrible musical bits sprinkled throughout, this is an amusing 60 minutes or so of weirdness. You get midget-fu, midget gun-fightin' and lots of awful midget acting. Along with REEFER MADNESS this used to play on USA's Night Flight show all the time, which is were I first laid eyes on it. For a similar experience look for HARLEM RIDES THE RANGE an early all-black western.

GIRL IN TROUBLE (1963)

The story of the world's most naive blond. Stupid Judy runs away from home to the big city of New Orleans. A sleazy guy gives her a ride and then attempts to rape her. She almost kills him by bonking him in the head with a big rock. From there she steals the car and proceeds with no real plan except getting away from her shitty hometown. This doesn't go very well for Judy. She runs into a lot of creepy guys along the way. Finally she meets Mona, the sorta motherly figure who seems to be quite the party gal as well. Mona isn't a very good influence on Judy. She gets her a crappy job where Judy ends up getting raped, then as some sort of strange therapy gets her another job being an old-timey stripper and ultimately gives her some pills which she promptly O.D.'s on. The movie really should have been all about Mona. She was a hoot and I felt like she would be lots more fun to hang out with. All in all I found the movie O.K. even though it dragged big time in many spots. You get a little nudity and minimal blood.

SLACKER (1991)

This here is one of the milestones of 90's indie cinema. The movie that inspired Kevin Smith to start making films, for whatever that's worth. Is it that wonderful though? This movie ain't for everyone. It's like a stream of consciousness put to celluloid. I do find it mesmerizing and I do like it while I'm caught up in it's trip. I would never recommend it to anyone though. Director Richard Linklater went on to make a bunch of Hollywood crap after this interesting early work. The main flaw I can comment on is that the whole thing just screams 1990's and there's not much that's worse than the 90's except for the 00's and I'm sure the 10's as well. So Generation X here's your movie and just like your whole generation it's amusing for the moment and then ultimately forgettable.

Traumatized yatch owner:

SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE (2002)

The king of Korean cinema for the last 10 years has been Chan-Wook Park. This is the 1st movie in his "vengeance" trilogy. Which exists as a trilogy only because of similar themes in the individual movies rather than one continuing storyline. I think this one might be my favorite of all 3. OLDBOY might have some more shocking things going on but this one doesn't seem to drag in parts like that one does for me. The main thing I like about this is there aren't really any clear cut characters to root for. Just like in life things are very gray when it comes to moral decisions. Is the moral of the story that vengeance leads to more suffering? Maybe, but doesn't the end scene kind of contradict that? Sorta. Anyway this is the movie I'm going to if I wanna see some serious revenging goin on just for the organ donation scam slaughter scene alone it's worth watchin.

"Defeat the communists! The way for Korea is victory! Dismantle the conglomerates! Drive out U.S. Army! Destroy the new liberalism that ruins the lives of the people!"

RESERVOIR DOGS (1992)

 Yeah, yeah I know everyone and their mother has seen this one. It propelled Tarantino towards that ultimate fanboy status and all that crap. Looking at it now seeing where Tarantino ended up is kinda weird. I mean personally I think after KILL BILL it's been all downhill. Some might argue it but I think by that point he had reached his high point. The best thing about this movie is that it tells its story in about 90 minutes. There's actually stuff that was edited out, imagine that. It succeeds in building an uneasy feeling towards it's climax. Yeah there's plenty of talking but it works in a much smoother fashion than in his later work, at least for me. It's also successful in making everyone cool in a somewhat believable fashion unlike a bunch of females sitting around talking like movie-nerds as in DEATH PROOF. If you have never seen this then you're probably too young to remember when it was still fresh anyway.

MY BROTHER'S WIFE (1966)

This is the story of a sleazebag named Frankie who fucks over his brother Bob by screwing and conniving Bob's young wife Mary. A fairly simple film in the Doris Wishman catalog. Available on a great double bill from Something Weird video and obviously shot in the same apartment as INDECENT DESIRES. This nudie quickie is actually pretty engaging and moves along well. There are some crazy editing choices though with weird cuts to inanimate objects abounding. I do feel like the final reel is missing from this print though as we're led up to a big final conflict between the two main men protagonists and the the film just ends with this weird scene of Frankie seemingly waking up from a dream and regretting his shitty decisions in life. I don't think it was supposed to be a dream though. Perhaps Bob kicked his ass. Maybe someday there will be a super-duper special edition that clears up what the hell happened but I kinda doubt it.

Buy this here you pervy fucker!: http://www.somethingweird.com/

INDECENT DESIRES (1967)

This really shoulda been titled THE TOUCH OF PLASTIC or DOLL LOVER or something like that, cuz this title is completely forgettable. It's about this nebbish, who looks like one of those bad-guys in AEON FLUX, who finds a doll in a garbage can and uses it to do some voodoo stuff on this blond chick. That's it. You get naked 60's gals doing naked ballet/yoga, a pretty lame sex scene and the main girl being groped and abused by this creep with a doll fetish. The putting out of a cigarette on the dolls face is particularly mean. The cast consists of 5 people. Director Doris Wishman did believe in keeping it simple and this is about as simple as they get. Would probably be more entertaining as a short but even at 75 minutes this movie seems to drag along. I will say that it creates a creepy feeling from the unexplained and pretty hopeless events going on. Sort of a crappy lost OUTER LIMITS episodes with lots of nudity. Check it out if your into retro-bizzaro stuff.

Watch more The Trailers Bay videos on AOL Video

Q: THE WINGED SERPENT (1982)

The 1980's wasn't a decade known for giant-monster movies. But Larry Cohen attempted to fit this very basic monster run amuck epic into that time period. Reminds me of BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS mixed with KING KONG thanks to the stop-motion antics. Of course being the 80's you get more gore than any of those older flicks. David Carradine and Richard "Shaft" Roundtree are the cops investigating the monsters victims and the monsters followers who commit suicide to keep the monster alive or something like that. Not Cohen's best, I like his blaxploitation flicks better but an OK monster flick if you're into that kind of thing. Best scene has a window washer getting his head bitten off by the flying serpent creature.

Q is coming!:

LAND OF THE MINOTAUR (1976)

OK so you got Peter Cushing heading up this cult of colorful Klu Klux Klan-looking, robe-wearing knuckleheads who worship a minotaur. Now a minotaur I don't think, from what I know of mythology, was a god. But anyway this one grants his worshipers super-powers if they sacrifice a few people to him every once in a while. Like they can get run over by a bus or shot with bullets and still walk around fine. Donald Pleasence plays a priest who doesn't think it's such a great idea and goes about bringing down this little group with some help. Overall this is a dreadfully boring movie with typical scenes and even a dull climactic battle with people exploding cuz of a cross and some holy water. The females are fairly attractive but that's about all there is to recommend about this turd. The poster makes the minotaur look like some kinda Godzilla-sized monster. Unfortunately he's just a person-sized stupid stone statue that blows fire out of his nostrils and falls on intruders into his cave. Dumb.

Groovy enough for Commander USA, so I guess that's something: