SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006)

               "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

  I know I'm almost 20 years behind everyone else who's seen this already but I had so much better stuff to watch first. This might have been a bit better if every snake didn't look like a cartoon CGI thing but then again maybe not. I'm more of a horror film fan and this is more of a thriller/action movie with some slithering killer snakes thrown in for a few gross-out thrills. OK for a one-time watch but pretty mediocre overall. 

CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS (1994)

                                  "Professor, how long have you been fucking fish?"

  Really stupid Italian horror flick about 5 people who decide to take a ride out into the ocean on a small raft and end up stranded on an experimental research ship that's full of mutant fish monsters. There's a lot of things that don't make sense in this but do make for a fun watch if you dig dumb trashy movies. For one thing the inside of the ship is designed more like some weird futuristic hotel where there's a talking clock, a smart-shower that talks sexy to you and a lamp that has it's bulb on the end of a lawn-gnome's large erection! Besides the interior decorations things aren't really ever fully explained, probably thanks to the shitty dubbing job. The only surviving scientist on the ship apparently enjoys fucking fish, but only if they're "old enough" whatever that means for a fish-fucker. Our main characters are also either annoying or just really dumb but if you can overlook that this one's good for a laugh and has some pretty crazy cheap-o FX work on display ranging from Claymation to what looks like cartoon monsters(no doubt this is due to the director being Italian FX artist Al Passeri). Originally titled PLANKTON. Known in Asia as PIRANHA 4 which is kind of fitting since some of these fish monsters look like piranha and fly around like the ones in PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING.

HOT CATS IN GREEN HELL (1981)

  This Asian obscurity goes under a plethora of aliases including ANGELS WITH GOLDEN GUNS, TERROR IN A WOMEN'S PRISON, ANGER and my favorite VIRGIN APOCALYPSE. What we got here is one of those movies that seem to be 2 different movies spliced together(One of which I believe is a movie simply titled MARKING). One story we follow is a women-in-prison deal where various ladies are forced into a prostitution ring. The other plotline follows an Asian Charles Bronson-type cop who's trying to find the head of a criminal organization. There are some great scenes of him disco dancing and being hit one by a gay crime boss. In addition to all the girls with guns rebellion going on you get some male genital torture, Goblin's music from SUSPIRIA used to score a sex scene, a baby pig getting snuffed out for real(beware vegans!) and what appears to be 2 mummies fighting(mummy-fu?) to wrap it all up. 

THE BLACK CAT (1966)

  Being a fan of the legendary punk rock group The Angry Samoans, I knew this film as supplying the cover image on their 1980 album INSIDE MY BRAIN. Unfortunately this is quite a big spoiler as there aren't a whole lot of characters in this tale of a demented fellow who seems to be on a downward spiral due to a black cat that has come into his life and it depicts the gory demise of one of the main players. Luckily it's still a decent enough watch even if you know there's an axe murder going in. Loosely based on the old Edgar Allan Poe tale with some rockin tunes, animal abuse, a car chase and possibly a zombie cat thrown in for added thrills. 

                         On a 60s double feature with a Filipino horror:

Los Angeles punk rock!:

THE INCREDIBLE KUNG FU MASTER (1979)

  They shoulda probably called this THE 2 INCREDIBLE KUNG FU MASTERS since the plot revolves around a couple of teachers who start off as buddies but then due to jealousy open up rival martial arts schools. Sammo Hung plays another adept fighter who, as usual, likes to eat a lot. A mix of comedy and seriousness that never really works all that well. AKA KUNG FU MASTER NAMED DRUNK CAT and THE KUNG FU MASTER. Released on video as THEY CALL ME PHAT DRAGON.

Crappy old VHS cover:

RETURN OF THE FAT DRAGON (1993)

  This was originally titled KING SWINDLER which would explain why it's not really a sequel to Sammo Hung's ENTER THE FAT DRAGON. It is similar to that movie in that it is a comedy. This time though we get way less kung fu and way more scenes of annoying little kids. For almost a third of the film Sammo is sent to jail and we focus on these kids getting into hijinks which really gives this an Asian LITTLE RASCALS feel. There is some gross-out humour including snot-eating, fart-gags and a piss-filled balloon to the face so that's something. A bit too shmaltzy for anyone besides real hardcore Sammo fans. 

Fun fact: Stolen music from the horror flick TOURIST TRAP pops up when the 2 little kids are held hostage.

Sammo is called The Oriental Turtle but sadly never wears this Ninja Turtle outfit that appears in the posters:

FRENCH BLUE (1976)

  This starts off with what's billed as the world's first porno cartoon as a pre-credit sequence then once the movie starts we get a behind-the-scenes look at French director Lasse Braun trying to figure out the mechanics of what might the world's first double anal penetration put on the big screen. In between these scenes we get a bunch of shortened loops also directed by Mr. Braun. One particular gross loop is titled CAKE ORGY and it mixes an orgy with a food fight. Probably of interest nowadays as a historical artifact more than anything all that titillating. Also more comical than stimulating. AKA PENETRATION and LASSE BRAUN'S PENETRATION (these versions appear to remove the animated sequence at the beginning)  

                Playing here on a double bill with another porn/comedy from 1975:

PORNO MONDO: AN IN DEPTH STUDY OF PORNO FILMS (1971)

 A really dull pseudo-documentary about the very early days of hardcore adult films. They get a bunch of porn actors to portray different makers of these films and be interviewed about them while also cutting in a bunch of scenes of screwing and sucking. Rene Bond shows up as the writer of scripts(because classic porn is so well known for it's great storylines!) and sadly never even gets naked. The film is obviously espousing a viewpoint that is very strongly against censorship, so that's nice. Too bad they couldn't do it in a more entertaining manner.

         Playing with a porno from 1970 which I think was actually titled ERNIE'S JOINT?:

THE SIDEHACKERS (1969)

                                                  "C'mon, men aren't beautiful."

  I own this in a DVD set with a bunch of biker movies and even though there are a couple of scenes where our characters race motorbikes(motorbikes with sidecars hacked on!) it really is more of a rape/revenge movie. The things do go a little further than just rape and the revenge ends on a very nihilistic note. A movie that seems to be universally hated but I have watched it a few times now and I think I enjoy it more each time. It is famously featured on an episode of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 but obviously that's a very edited version. AKA FIVE THE HARD WAY

                    Playing with another biker movie that's not all that much about bikers:

DEATH RIDERS (1976)

 There was a big fascination with stuntmen back in the 70s. No doubt this was spurred on by the popularity of Evel Knievel. As a documentary this is probably more interesting to me as a time capsule looking back at a crazy decade where it seemed like anything goes than anything else. Of course your propensity for nostalgia will determine how you rate this since it's not a particularly informative documentary but more of a slice of life for some folks with a unique occupation. AKA STAR SPANGLED BUMMER

SCREAM OF THE DEMON LOVER (1970)

 A lady scientist(Erna Schürer) shows up at the castle of a Baron(Carlos Quiney) who has a reputation for loving women and then murdering them. But is he the murderer or is there a darker secret to unveil? Well this is a gothic Eurotrash 70s flick so inevitably things will get a bit weird and sexy before it's done. A bit of a slow-moving one but if you enjoy these types of old dark castle flicks it's probably worth a look and there is a crap-faced monster involved. AKA ALTAR OF BLOOD, KILLERS OF THE CASTLE OF BLOOD and BLOOD CASTLE

 

                                  Known as THE CASTLE OF FRANKENSTEIN in Mexico!:

Original Italian title THE CASTLE WITH THE GATES OF FIRE:

Originally played in The U.S. on a double bill with this American vampire flick:

ONE SHOCKING MOMENT (1965)

                    "You're like the rest of the perverted bastards that call themselves men!

  Ted V. Mikels 3rd movie features a couple(Gary Kent and Lee Anna) who end up in swinging 60s Los Angeles. Not the most exciting sexploitation flick of that time but you do get the usual cheating, stripping and softcore thrills. There's a lesbian dominatrix character(Verne Martine) who enjoys abusing men that adds to the spiciness. AKA SUBURBAN AFFAIR

So shocking that you can watch the whole thing right on YouTube!:

MAU-MAU (1955)

  In true classic exploitation style this was marketed at the time like it was some nudie-cutie featuring romping nekked natives. In reality what you get is mostly just really dull newsreel footage and a blandly narrated documentary about a Kenyan tribe rising up against British colonial rule. It is mildly interesting in that it's basically the blueprint for what became mondo movies in the next decade. 

WEEKEND OF TERROR (1970)

  Robert Conrad and The Six Million Dollar Man himself(Lee Majors) kidnap 3 nuns and hold them hostage for a ransom. Pretty decent made-for TV movie from back when those things were still good. I feel like if you threw in a few sleazier elements this could have been a classic exploitation flick for drive-ins and grindhouses. 

BURNOUT (1979)

  Lots of scenes of cars drag racing fill out this slim tale of an aspiring driver(Mark Schneider) who argues with his dad(Bob Louden) a lot. There's not much I can say about this except watch it if you really like copious amounts of stock footage of race cars. Despite the sexy poster there's no sex in this one. Director Graham Meech-Burkestone would thankfully go on to do makeup on a few other films instead of directing anything else. 

A SCREAM IN THE STREETS (1973)

 Quite a bit of this sexploitation flick is taken up by long drawn-out sex scenes, which I guess is, if that's all you're looking for, a recommendation but it really breaks up whatever narrative momentum the movie is able to muster. While it's not quite hardcore there are a lot of limply hanging wieners on display. The plot that wraps around these sex bits concerns two cops on the hunt for a rapist/murderer who somehow escapes detection by dressing up as a very unconvincing lady. Clearly not the most trans-positive PC movie but that's the 70s for ya.  One weird recurring thing that happens in this is people getting hit with or running through glass and not getting a scratch on themselves. I guess people were just tougher back then. While not the worst softcore sex flick you could watch I can't help feel like it could've been edited a lot better. 

   

THE MONSTER OF THE OPERA (1964)

 I know director Renato Polselli mainly for that movie THE REINCARNATION OF ISABEL which is a pretty crazy Eurotrash flick. This is an earlier work of Mr. Renato but it still has some pretty wild elements. Clearly influenced by THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA but in this case instead of a phantom(was the original PHANTOM even really a phantom at all?) you get a vampire who likes to chain his female victims up in his secret chamber underneath an old haunted opera house for fun. You also get a really wacky scene of a bunch of girls dancing for their lives because apparently vampires can only get you if you stop moving?   There's also a sprinkling of lesbian overtones thrown in. While not everything makes a lot of sense it's still an enjoyable enough gothic trip. Released on DVD more precisely as VAMPIRE OF THE OPERA

Known in France as ORGY OF THE VAMPIRES:

BOWERY BOMBSHELL (1946)

  This is only the 3rd in The Bowery Boys series of films. Not my favorite in the series but pretty standard for The Boys. This time they get mixed up with some bank robbing gangsters and have to clear their name. There are impersonations of Edward G. Robinson and the old SCARFACE movie in this one and also a mad scientist that turns a guy into a walking bomb(hence the title). SPOOK BUSTERS is next and that was always one of my favs just for it's haunted house setting. 

BOWERY BOMBSHELL

UNINVITED (1988)

  A killer cat escapes from a laboratory where it was infected with this disease that makes humans that it bites explode blood out of their bodies. Oh and there's also a mutant cat that rips out of our regular-looking cat every now and then to wreak havoc. Most of the action takes place on a boat where George Kennedy, a rich dude(Alex Cord) and some sexy younger folks are thrown together for some flimsy reason that only happens because the plot needs to move along. There's minimal nudity despite our main gals being in bathing suits and being horny for most of the film but the blood flow is very ample. An ALIEN-esque chestburster is teased but never happens. A fun stupid one from the dumb 1980s. 

Released in Norway as KILLER CAT:

DEATH SHIP (1980)

 George Kennedy gets possessed by some evil old Nazi sailor ghosts on a mysterious ship of death! This one starts out with a bang as a cruise ship gets totaled by our naughty titular boat but then settles in to what's basically a disaster film crossed with a ghost movie.  Not sure that it works all that well but it's fun seeing Mr. Kennedy gradually become an unhinged psycho.   

Known in Danish as HEADING TOWARDS DEATH!:

TARZAK AGAINST THE LEOPARDS MEN (1964)

  No that's not a typo, but the actual onscreen title of this 60s Eurotrash Tarzan rip-off flick. The original Italian title is TARZAN VS. THE LEOPARD MEN. When I think of Tarzan movies(technically our heroic jungle man is dubbed Zoltak in English prints but it's pretty obvious who he's supposed to be) clearly the highpoints were way back in the 30s and 40s and this one comes off as more of a Hercules in the jungle adventure than anything resembling those. Ralph Hudson as Zoltak/Tarzan surely has the fit body but his curly red hair kinda stands out. I found this to be quite the snooze-inducing chore to get through. AKA APEMAN OF THE JUNGLE

SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK (1987)

 

 By the late 80s slasher movies had become a bit passé. The new hip thing was ripping off A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and that's what we get here. Movies with this type of dream logic where things happen with very little  logical explanation are never my favorites. I have this on a double feature Blu Ray with HARD ROCK ZOMBIES so I thought because of that, and the title, that this would be a more rocking affair than it is. It's really more in the vein of something like SPOOIKIES than HARD ROCK ZOMBIES. We do get a soundtrack by DEVO's Mark Mothersbaugh which is pretty decent but not much in the plot really lives up to the ROCK moniker. Toni Basil, of "Hey Mickey" fame, shows up as a ghost and the whole idea of people who get killed reappearing as ghosts complaining to our main character is stolen from AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.  Not the worst 80s horror out there but still a bit of a disappointment. 

                                             Known in Mexico as SATANIC SPIRIT!:

CHAINSAW SALLY (2004)

 The only reason I bothered watching this was to see Leatherface himself(Gunnar Hansen) and The Godfather of Gore(Hershell Gordon Lewis). They both only show up briefly but Gunnar gets to swing a chainsaw around poorly so I guess that's something to see. You can also see a bunch of pointless gore scenes including a gal getting acid funneled down her throat until her insides spill out of her asshole into a bucket. Just brilliant! Somehow there were multiple sequels to this in the form of 2 shot-on-video series and one episode of an animated series so apparently gorehound weirdos must have been thrilled by this one.

 

LORNA THE EXORCIST (1974)

  Lina Romay stars in this Jess Franco-directed sleaze flick as a 17-year old girl who falls victim to a demonic curse set in motion by her father before she was even born. Of course her playing an underage girl doesn't stop her from being completely naked and experiencing some kinky lesbian antics throughout a good portion of the movie including gratuitous pubic hair munching. There's a pretty uncomfortable-looking penetration by a wooden dildo, incest abounding and Howard Vernon playing the tough henchman of our main demon-lady Lorna(Pamela Stanford wearing some crazy glam-looking eye makeup). Franco himself shows up as a terribly ineffective psychiatrist. Not my favorite Franco but it is growing on me with repeated watches and the scene where a lady dies by getting actual genital crabs is pretty killer!  

 IMDB erroneously lists  a couple of different versions of this but it looks like they're mixing whatever those various versions are called up with Franco's EXCORCISM so thanks for the added confusion IMDB!

               AKA LINDA A DEVILISH NIGHTMARE:

THE FAT BLACK PUSSYCAT (1963)

"Some of my best friends are existentialists!"

  I had always assumed this was an old sexploitation flick based on the title but turns out it's more in the roughie category. So rough in fact that's it's basically a slasher flick(or maybe even a giallo since the killer wears black leather gloves!) since it focuses on the murders of various women around New York's Greenwich Village. Wavy Gravy of Woodstock-fame shows up as a cop looking a bit different than the hippie he would become in a couple of years.  Beatniks get assaulted and snuffed out and it all ends with an explanation about how being a homosexual cross-dresser leads to becoming a psychopath. Probably not the most PC message in today's ultra-sensitive times. Sadly the black cat that shows up at every murder scene isn't all that fat and more sadly they seem to have forgotten to show any real nudity in this.