BLOOD DOLLS (1999)

Full Moon Entertainment have cranked out a shitload of horrible movies throughout the 80's, 90's and they're still going today.  They have, arguably, a worse track record than Troma when it comes to awful productions.  I mean I can say that at least a few Troma movies appealed to me when I was younger, Full Moon's stuff never really did at all.  I mean how many times do you need to see them remake the same basic movie about killer puppets or killer dolls?  It seemed like director Charles Band had quite an insatiable little person fetish.  Now no one loves midgets more than I do but when you get even smaller than that it gets a little strange to me.  The main appeal of this here movie is that it features a rich wacko madman, who happens to have a tiny, little, shrunken, Beetlejuice-style head.  But that's not the cool thing, the cool thing is that he has an all female rock band that he keeps in a cage.  They get shocked whenever he wants to hear them rock out.  Who wouldn't want that?  Plus he also has a midget servant which is just icing on the cake.  Now it also features stupid little dolls cuz it was directed by Band and that's what turns him on.  If you can ignore that silliness you get some blood, a brief boob flash, weird, kinky s & m games and a bodygaurd who wears clown makeup.  So while this one might be barely watchable for the weirdness it's still just another in a long line of fairly crappy silliness.

ANDRE THE BUTCHER (2005)

If you ever thought to yourself "wouldn't it be cool if Ron Jeremy played Leatherface" then this might be the movie for you.  In this shot-on-video story of cheerleaders vs. a crazy cannibal you get the porn legend looking like Leatherface wearing a welding helmet for some reason(he never does do any welding though).  The positive things about this are the good-looking cheerleaders(which bring us boobs and lesbianism) and it seems to have been filmed well enough for what it is(this was shot on video but then put through a filter process to make it look like film).  Overall though it's extremely stupid and would probably have appealed to me a whole lot more when I was around 10 years old because that's the level of humor throughout.  I did get a chuckle out of Jeremy/Andre throwing his hands up like someone scored a field goal every time he succeeds in killing his victims by throwing a large knife into them.   And that's about all you can hope to get from this, a couple of chuckles here and there and then long stretches of wishing you were watching something better.  You get a Pam Grier "Foxy Brown" rip-off character, a hillbilly narrator that reminded me of Uncle Jesse from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD, completely stupid supernatural powers from the killer and an annoyingly shitty nu-metal soundtrack.  I'd say skip this one unless you are some kind of weird-ass Jeremy fanatic or just want to see something a little too retarded even for me.

VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN (1968)

More of a voyage to the beach of hot blonds with clam-shells on their boobs but I see what they were going for.  While Director Peter Bogdanovich would go on to direct way more serious films, like THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, this was his debut feature film which he made for Roger Corman's American International Pictures.  What you have here is a cut and paste job using footage from VOYAGE TO THE PREHISTORIC PLANET and a couple of older Russian sci-fi films.  Some new footage of Mamie Van Doren and her group of sexy inhabitants of what's supposed to be Venus were shot to spice things up and Bogdanovich does the voice-over narration.  The dinosaurs and lizard-men they encounter look like they were made by Sid & Marty Krofft which just adds to the ultra-cheesy feel of the whole thing.  For some reason astronauts from a lot of sci-fi movies of this time period always come off as real jerks to me.  I mean they crack jokes, clown around and generally act like the most obnoxious, pompous American stereotypes.  I was kinda hoping at least a few of them would wind up burning alive in hot lava but unfortunately I don't think this was ever meant to be anything even remotely serious.  Check it out for the ultra-wacky factor alone.

GUINEA PIG: MERMAID IN A MANHOLE(1988)

The controversial 1980's Guinea Pig series of gore/horror films from Japan are good examples of what happens when you give splatter-happy, gore-hound, sicko's the films they want minus any story to get in the way of the disgusting spectacle of torture and bloody dismemberment.  At least the first few films could be described that way but by the time it got to this 4th entry they started getting a bit more experimental with the nauseating acts.  This one is basically the tale of an artist who finds a mermaid in a sewer and and brings her home, keeps her in a bathtub and while she slowly dies there(because every idiot knows you can't keep a mermaid in a bathtub!) he paints her using the colorful puss from her festering wounds as paint.  As a bonus there are lots of gooey night-crawlers and other worms exiting her body also.  So if that sounds like something that would turn you on or if you just want something to gross your friends out with this might be a suitable choice.  Personally I find this entry pretty boring for long stretches and also pretty silly especially when compared to the first two films which play like pretty straight forward reenactments of snuff films.  I know these films only exist to disgust and shock and I guess in that context this one works well enough just don't expect any profound work of extreme art.

ALICE, SWEET ALICE (1976)

Besides some of Brian DePalma's films, this one always seemed to me to be the closest thing to an American made Giallo film.  It has the crazy camera shots, mysterious killer and gory yet stylish murder scenes.  I generally love movies with anti-social little girls with problems and in this one our main gal Alice isn't very sweet at all, in fact at one point a detective remarks about how nuts she really is.  Although she may be a bit nutty she seems to have somewhat valid reasons for being a little off with her getting the blame for everything and her cute little sister(Brooke Shields) getting all the praise.  Of course my favorite character of this film is the absurdly obese, sweaty mess of a man, Mr. Alphonso.  Played by the rotund, over-acting powerhouse Alphonso DeNoble, who unfortunately only appeared in 2 other films before I'm guessing his heart exploded! (both by director Joel M. Reed: BLOODSUCKING FREAKS & NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES).  This Mr. Alphonso has to be one of the most disgusting displays in film history as he seems to never change his piss-stained underpants and lies around all day in his apartment full of cats.  You can almost smell the scent of urine waft off the screen while viewing him.  It is truly an unforgettable performance!  This is also the first theatrical film of young Brooke Shields who's filmography is full of stuff that I don't care about very much.  Although, not having been raised Catholic, I might be missing some of the religious(or is it anti-religious) significance of the film I still say check it for a good slice of 70's giallo-esque horror.

 A.K.A. HOLY TERROR:

THE KISS OF HER FLESH (1968)

Michael Findlay who working alongside his wife Roberta was responsible for a bunch of low-budget sleazy 60's epics designed to be shown on New York's 42nd Street and then forgotten about.  KISS OF HER FLESH is the third film in their "FLESH" trilogy and is the culmination of the whole lurid revenge-fueled tale.  Everything seems to be amped up in this final rampage of  the killer, Mr. Jennings, as he takes out women just because they're women.  You see Mr. Jennings' wife cheated on him and that just drove him over the edge and turned him into a woman hating, kill-crazy, nut-bag who vows to kill every woman in the world!  A pretty lofty goal but he had a good run of three movies at least.  The inventiveness and absurdity of the weapons and killing methods used is always amusing and in this one our misogynist psycho uses a blow-torch, acid douche, electrified earrings, a lobster claw and even his own poisoned sperm!  The sex scenes are unexpectedly graphic for this era also with vagina on display and an almost hardcore looking simulated blow-job bit.  The whole thing does play like some long lost slasher movie with sleazy sex thrown in and I kind of feel like this is what William Lustig's MANIAC would have looked like if it was filmed in 1968 instead of 1980 and that's why I enjoyed it so much.  If you're looking to watch some depraved entertaining weirdo flick that played back when the phrase grind-house actually meant something this would be one I would suggest.

This is some weird cut version of the film, SOMETHING WEIRD has the uncut version on DVD:

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE (1966)

I first saw this very bizarre movie on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and this is a perfect example of a movie that's really difficult to watch on its own without the help of wise-ass robots. You start off with endlessly boring scenes of driving and then you meet characters played by what must be some of the worst actors ever filmed. The character of Torgo is especially hilarious and extra strange with his stilted speech, weirdo goat-legs and shimmying walk. The story is a pretty simple one about a family that gets lost and ends up at the house of a cult that worships Manos!(the god of darkness or hands or dark hands or something like that). The father acts like a jerk most of the time and the mom seems like a pain in the ass so you don't really care what happens to these annoying creeps anyway. One absurdity leads to the next and thankfully it all ends in a little over an hour. You get totally non-sexy cat-fights with ladies in nighties and also a severed, exploding, flaming hand thrown in for added excitement.  I would recommend only the MST3K version of this otherwise you're just asking for time to stand still. Director Hal P. Warren was a fertilizer salesman and this was, thank god!, his only movie.

"I am Torgo":

BIG TITS ZOMBIE (2010)

 

Also know by the utterly amazing title of THE BIG TITS DRAGON: STRIPPERS 5 VS. ZOMBIES, this is sort of a Japanese version of ZOMBIE STRIPPERS but since it's Japanese it's way more wacky.  Like that movie though this features some porn stars taking a stab at acting in an actual movie.  Well sort of an actual movie if you count shot on video stuff full of CGI as a real movie.  CGI blood usually pisses me off but in these types of movies (MACHINE GIRL, TOKYO GORE POLICE etc.) it fits the absurdity of them since they're all big cartoons of violence anyway.  You get zombie-sushi that flies around and attacks people, intestines that turn into raping tentacles, perverts eating sushi off a naked lady and lots of weird spectacles like that.  As usual in Japanese cinema the goth stripper turns out to be the "bad guy" since anyone who's into underground culture or not part of the mainstream is always the force of evil but maybe I'm reading too much into a movie where zombies play a game of ping-pong with an eyeball.  Some of the scenes were shot in 3-D but the version I saw didn't have any of that.  The one bad thing is that for a movie titled BIG TITS ZOMBIE there isn't a major amount of nudity which is weird but still boner worthy if you're into scantily clad Asian strippers that don't really ever strip.  Check it out if you dig the new wave of extremely stupid Japanese gore flicks.

The Big Titty Dragon!! Why isn't stuff like this playing at my local multiplex?:

FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER (1958)

A young John Ashley(who would later on go to the Philippines and fight monsters there in those Blood Island movies) stars in this 50's updating of the Frankenstein story mixed with teenage drama.  This typically goofy monster flick features Dr. Frankenstein's grandson making monsters.  There are actually two monsters for the price of one in this one.  One is a teen gal who gets slipped a spiked drink and then gets all pasty-faced, grows some goofy-ass giant eyebrows, bug-eyes and stalks the neighborhood all the while wearing nothing but a bathing suit and robe.  Frankenstein also builds another female monster from dead bodies of stupid teens.  This creature, which looks quite masculine, is quite the looker with sort of a Two-Face from BATMAN look.   Her outfit appears to be some kind of Martian workout tracksuit.  She/he/it walks about town doing a version of the robot dance and karate chopping people that get in the way which just looks fucking ridiculous.  This thing is only 75 minutes long and unfortunately a lot of them are exceedingly dull minutes full of talky-talk scenes but there is some monsterific action here and there and actually some blood on a few victims which is rare in these oldies.  Should be fun for hardcore monster fans for nostalgic reasons if nothing else.

THE FLESH AND BLOOD SHOW (1972)

An early Pete Walker horror film made after his successful run of British sexploitation films of the 60's.  Like those films this one has some good looking ladies and lots of nudity on display.  This movie is often cited as being an early example of the slasher film genre and it is that although it's a relatively blood free version.  The story involves a group of actors who are stalked in a theater by a mysterious wack-a-doo nut-job.  I found this film as a whole not really all that engaging and kind of slow through most of its running time.  I feel like Walker was just getting his footing here and would go on to make much better more graphic works throughout the 70's.  There are some clever bits and even a little twist ending thrown in.  My main problem is probably the awesomely graphic title which doesn't convey the restrained nature of a film where most all of the murders take place off-screen.  Check out his later titles for more blood and sleaze filled good times.

The killer's flashback sequence was originally in 3-D:

HITLER MEETS CHRIST (2007)

Great character actor Michael Moriarty star of 80's horror films like Q and THE STUFF wrote a stage play titled HITLER AND CHRIST MEET DEATH AT THE PORT AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL which in turn became this artsy-fartsy indie movie.  What it basically consists of is 70 minutes or so of two bums who believe they are these two respective historical/biblical characters having theological conversations about death, sex, life, good and evil and all that kind of heady stuff.  Sort of like a super serious, downer, bizzarro-world version of Kevin Smith's CLERKS.  Now while this might appeal to folks with religious questions about the nature of forgiveness(would Jesus forgive even Hitler himself?),  I found the whole thing pretty dull and plodding and the completely incongruous ending has the Jesus character attacking Mr. Hitler(who prefers to be called Attila?) with bolts of electricity which just doesn't make any sense at all.  Moriarty, as he usually does, gives an interesting performance as an insane delusional man who may or may not be Der Fuehrer but a feature length film with 2 people talking just isn't my idea of entertainment but the title is great.  If they ever remake this one with some kung fu gorillas I'm all in.

JOE (1970)

"I saw a fella selling junk to children. He gets nervous every time I pass.  Cause he knows that if I catch him. I'm gonna bust his head and kick his fat ass."

There was a time when the younger generation was feared by the older one.  A revolution against old out-dated ways of thinking was in full swing, the old values that had been held onto as examples of what was good with America were crumbling away.  It was in this atmosphere, where people feared their own children, that a film like JOE was spawned and probably hit a familiar chord with audiences of the early 70's.  This film basically encapsulates and puts a face on the struggle, at the time, between conservative and liberal forces and the old vs. the young.  Peter Boyle is great, as always, as the title character who sets the template for Archie Bunker in his racist/bigoted views.  His rambling diatribe of hate speech("look at this shitting music") when we first meet him in some crap-hole bar is amazing and I love to play just that scene completely out of context for friends and unsuspecting guests.  It's always a hit and leaves people with that "what the fuck did I just witness"-look.  This was also Susan Sarandon's first film and we get to see her naked in a bathtub which is a nice little treat.  Seen today this movie will certainly  not have the same resonance it did back in the days of hippie marches and free love orgies due to the dated nature of lots of its scenes but it's a nice view back to a time when the youth had something that hasn't been seen by anyone in a long time, the power to actually change things and the fear that set loose.  All in all it's a fine example of a unique smack-taking, Easter-orgy lovin', junkie-abusing, hippie death trip of a film.

THE AMAZING TRANSPLANT (1970)

In some type of subconscious fit of masochist excess I keep watching the films of crappy sleaze-film maven Doris Wishman.  I know that they will never be all that good but I keep watching no matter how boring or stupid they are and this is one of the dumbest and also pretty boring to boot.  This one involves a man named Arthur who gets a penis transplant from his buddy that was apparently a murdering rapist, who only killed women with cheap gold earrings and then Arthur himself becomes a murdering rapist, who only kills women with cheap gold earrings, because of the demented penis or is it a haunted penis?  Well either way it's bad news for Arthur.  Why does he get a penis transplant you might ask?  Well his buddy was a hit with the ladies so naturally it was his magical penis that turned all the women on or something like that.  The whole movie really doesn't make any sense.  Arthur blackmails the doctor into performing the ridiculous operation and then when he realizes he's a homicidal maniac he turns around and blames the doctor like it wasn't his own idea in the first place!?  Plus you don't even get to the penis transplanting stuff until about an hour or so into this so most of the film consists of soft-core sex scenes which pad out a majority of the running time.  Of course this will not stop me and I will be watching more Doris soon enough(DEADLY WEAPONS or maybe the original SATAN WAS A LADY) and keep hoping for the best but knowing she will keep crushing my dreams of quality smut.

Snazzy trailer!:

FUEGO (1969)

                                                                        "FUEGO!"

 Made back in The 60's in Argentina this sexploitation classic was banned in its home country for its lewd sexual displays(consisting of star Isabel Sarli's tremendous boobs and hetero plus homosexual slutty antics).  A favorite of director John Waters(no doubt due to its similarities to Russ Meyers films) and you can see where Divine was inspired with the amazingly pouty and gyration-filled performance of Ms. Sarli.  I find it amazing in reading more about Sarli that she was, in real life, a quiet Catholic gal who hated doing nude scenes but only did them to help out her lover(director Armando Bo) and I'm sure her assets helped sell many tickets.  If this little factoid is true then I would rate this as one of the greatest(and maybe campiest) performances of all time.  I also feel that in addition to the obvious sex for sex's sake there is a, surely unintentional, feminist message throughout the film.  I mean Sarli's Laura character seems pretty content with her life of sleeping around and enjoying continual lesbian romps with her maid up until the point where she gets married to a man who wants to possess her completely.  This being the 60's and being South America this theme isn't explored very fully and relegates any lesbianic tendencies of hers to being unnatural urges brought on by her insatiable "sickness".  After viewing this you will likely have visions of Latino boobs dancing through your head and as an added bonus the theme song "FUEGO!" will also be stuck in there for a while. Watching this today it all comes off as a hilariously campy film that was made with what I'm pretty sure at the time of filming were somewhat serious intentions, at least as serious as a film primarily made to show off a woman's huge breasts can be.



John Waters introduction:

BIGFOOT (1970)

John Carradine, a bunch of bikers and a few rednecks star in what may be one of the first Bigfoot movies of the 70's and what also might be one of the dumbest Bigfoot movies ever.  In this one Bigfoot is the head of a whole family of Bigfeet and they kidnap big boobed girls to mate with.  They try to rip-off KING KONG with some unconvincing shots designed to make Mr. Foot look way bigger than he is.  What makes it extra stupid is the rubber masks and flea-bitten costumes all the creatures wear.  It's kind of a cool idea to have bikers fighting against Bigfoot but these aren't exactly the toughest looking bikers or the scariest looking monsters I've ever seen.  With its intentional camp factor this whole film seems just one sliver away from turning into the 60's BATMAN TV show.  Haji from FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! shows up in a small part.  I think my favorite part of this is the far-out soundtrack.  Only check this one out if you dig extra goofiness in your garbage cinema.

SOUND OF HORROR (1964)

"Try to be patient with her, Stravos, she's only an amateur and a woman"

Early Spanish monster/adventure movie(released here in American on a double bill with Mario Bava's KILL BABY KILL") about a group of cave explorers who set loose an invisible, blood-drinking, screeching dinosaur.  Saving money on any monster FX this movie instead contains a bunch of invisible footprints and silly stuff like the scene where the prehistoric beast is hit with axes and then they appear to just float through the air for a while.  The cast includes Soledad Miranda who would go on to star in a bunch of Jess Franco sex romps like VAMPYROS LESBOS before dying in a car crash.and the debut of Ingrid Pitt who would go on to star in some Hammer lesbian vampire movies.  Although as expected this is cheesy and badly dubbed in places it does somehow manage to be kind of creepy in places as well.  When the group lock themselves up in a house it even has that NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD feel to it.  Despite it's absurd premise I found this to be a  watchable waste of time for trash film fans. 

MANBEAST! MYTH OR MONSTER? (1978)

Bigfoot, along with UFO's, The Bermuda Triangle and The Loch Ness Monster were super popular subjects throughout the 1970's.  There were tons of movies, books and TV shows dedicated to these and other stupid, easily-explainable mysteries but I suppose those were different times when people wanted to believe in the existence of scary monsters and magical beings like Evel Kneivel for example.  This made for TV documentary about Bigfoot (here called the Manbeast!) is basically just an overlong version of the 70's TV show IN SEARCH OF... without the Leonard Nimoy narration(this one is narrated by professional animal and monster hunter Peter Byrne).  In fact this thing was based on a book titled IN SEARCH OF MYTHS AND MONSTERS so there ya go.  Directed by Nicholas Webster, who is best known for the holiday gem SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, all the actual "encounters' with the Manbeast are recreated here with people in cheesy costumes(by Rob Bottin who would go on to do the much superior FX work on THE THING among other big films) and told in such an earnest way that everything seems so very silly.  Check it out if you dig 70's TV or just Bigfootsploitation in general covered in lots of unintentional cheese.

TERROR (1978)

Mildly amusing haunted house flick mixed with an early version of a slasher flick  Not really a good example of either one of those genres unfortunately.  It seems that a witch, who was burned at the stake, left a curse which causes a group of people to meet grisly fates.  I've seen this movie compared to the works of Dario Argento in a few places and I can maybe, sorta, kinda(if I squint really hard) see the comparison but only in a really cheap non-stylized fashion.  The main similarity might be that this film doesn't make a whole lot of sense and seems to be just a collection of different murder scenes strung together without much thought to a coherent stream.  The film is nowhere near as gory or artsy as Argento's best stuff and it all ends in a stupid illogical supernatural climax.  I would say this one is pretty skip-able plus the title itself is completely forgettable.

HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (1970)

"This film is dedicated to those who are disturbed by today's lax moral codes and who eagerly await the return of corporal and capital punishment"

The problem with a lot of England's horror movie output from the 60's and 70's is that they were very restrained in comparison to their counterparts in Italy and other parts of Europe and as a result come off as pretty boring to most audiences today.  English director Pete Walker was one exception to this rule though in that his films dealt with some pretty sleazy subject matter and contained enough violence and nudity to satisfy most lovers of lurid cinema such as myself.  HOUSE OF WHIPCORD is a good example of this in that it's sort of a women in prison film but not in the typical sense.  This prison is being operated without any consent of the state and is run by a former warden who was fired for cruelty and a retired judge.  They deal out punishment and even executions with no authority to do so.  There's a clear anti-capital punishment message contained here that I think is delivered really well.  While classier than many of the bottom of the barrel women in prison movies that would come later it still contains enough whippings, dirty naked prisoners and enough of an overall crazy tone to make for a good time.   This along with the also recommendable FRIGHTMARE are the only two Walker flicks that I've seen so far but there's a few more I want to check out.

GOD'S ANGRY MAN (1980)

Back when I was a kid before we had a VCR, and before we had cable, local UHF stations were my main source for obscure horror films, WWF wrestling, The Uncle Floyd Show, weird Japanese cartoons and other assorted strange stuff that the main stations never showed.  If you fiddled with the antennae just right you could find a whole world of bizarre programming that most people didn't give a shit about.  One late night I tuned into a Connecticut station to find a strange white-haired, bearded man wearing a cowboy hat sitting quietly in front of a live studio audience reading a bible and puffing on a big cigar while some band, decked out in used car salesman suits, played some pseudo-religious jazzy number.  The man would stop reading occasionally to yell at  me and any other viewers, insane enough to be watching this at 1 in the morning, for not sending him money for his church then he would yell at his band to play the same song over and over again.  That was where I discovered Dr. Gene Scott and whenever there weren't any worthwhile trash films airing I would end up watching this clearly unhinged, so-called man of God terrorize and threaten people into coughing up some dough for Jesus.  Although I never sent Scott any money I feel I should thank him in some way for the hours of entertainment back then and also unintentionally for my views on the insanity of religion today.  In this documentary, director Werner Herzog lets Scott tell his own story and doesn't add any narrative at all.  Not sure if this would appeal in any way to an audience who doesn't know anything about Scott prior to viewing it but for me it was a trip down memory lane to a time when I had nothing better to do with my life than get yelled at on a Saturday night by God's angry man.

GOING TO PIECES: THE RISE AND FALL OF THE SLASHER FILM (2006)

Slasher films were churned out in such quantity throughout the 80's that it's amazing to look back at how many movies with almost the exact same plot were made in that decade.  This documentary on the phenomenon only really touches on the more well known big slashers so if you're a fan you probably know everything that's talked about.  It's still kind of cool to see everything in one place like a greatest hits package of your fav slashing maniacs.  It never really goes much deeper than the superficial fluff piece that it's designed to be.  If you're a thirteen years old gore fiend (or like me have the mentality of a thirteen year old gore fiend) it might be cool to watch once and then read a book if you want to actually learn anything about these films.  Perhaps you might even want to read the book this was based on which I have not but I'm hoping it has a little more information in it.

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS (1976)

Probably one of the weirdest porn flicks and possibly the most unsexy 70's porn flick I've ever seen.  Sexiness was likely not the goal anyway.  The 70's were a time when many talented directors were stuck making adult films because it was the easiest way to start out and some of them never made that jump from XXX to more mainstream films of the day.  I feel like in this case director Jonas Middleton could have gone on to make a great horror film.  He did go on to write and produce the 80's slasher JUST BEFORE DAWN which is one of my fav's from that genre but apparently never directed anything outside of three porn features which is too bad because this movie really plays out more like a bizarre nightmare than anything that would remotely turn on any normal human being.  If you go into this expecting the typical porn spoof of ALICE IN WONDERLAND you will be disappointed.  About 30 minutes in you do get a bit of a nod to ALICE but it's all done in a very weird offbeat way that you never fully know what to expect.  It's basically the story of a kooky woman who descends into madness thanks to a ghost that may be her dad or a demon or both(played by the late, great Jamie Gillis) and ultimately ends up trapped inside a mirror which seems a lot like hell.  You get daddy-daughter incest, pissing in bath tubs, A guy fucking the desert, a camera journey deep into a vagina, jerking-off into cups and other strange sexual shenanigans.  Music score is by Harry Manfredini who went on to score FRIDAY THE 13th.  Check it out for some artsy porn that seems a lot closer to being a horror film than a porn at all.

HEADER (2006)

Thoroughly disgusting redneck-filled movie that really needs to be seen to be appreciated.  Directed by someone with the awesomely wacky name of Archibald Flancranstin this movie reminds me of THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE in that I feel the writer had one disgusting idea and made a film around it.  The difference between this and CENTIPEDE though is that this movie actually does have a story in addition to the disgusting spectacles you get.  The main part of the story concerns an ATF agent doing some dirty deals with local drug dealers.  The other half is about two backwoods stereotypes up to some very sick pervy business.  When the two stories come together it all ends up in a bloody mess.  A "header" according to this movie is the ultimate act of revenge dealt out by hillbillies when they have been wronged.  I guess they take the term "skull-fuck" very serious down south.  Some of the acting is not so amazing which makes the whole thing seem like some sorta gross-out comedy about inbred family feuds.  Worth watching if you're a sick-o like me.    

OMEGA COP (1990)

Pretty lackluster Americanized MAD MAX-type action/karate flick featuring the amazingly awful acting of former BATMAN star Adam West.  West is fortunately not the ass-kicking hero here. The main "cop of the future" is someone named Ronald Marchini who has done a shitload of karate movies that I have never seen or even heard of.  Mr. Marchini, although I'm sure a decent fighter, isn't exactly Bruce Lee and here comes off pretty uninspiring in both his fighting and acting. Some of the "mutants" look remarkably like former WWF wrestler The Ultimate Warrior which is more amusing than frightening.  The baddies are selling women yet we see no nudity and very little blood which feels like a big cop out.  Pretty much a waste of time all around.  Old time actors Troy Donahue and Stuart Whitman  both shows up in  embarrassing bad roles.  How this thing got any kind of name actors at all is shocking to me.   The Italians made these kind of films so much better throughout the 80's.  Might be of interest to fans of really cheesy 80's style action flicks or Adam West but everyone else should stay far far away.

PASSION IN THE SUN (1964)

If rather unattractive floppy 60's boobs are a particular fetish of yours this might be the movie of your dreams. PASSION IN THE SUN a.k.a THE GIRL AND THE GEEK is an almost unwatchable train wreck of a movie mostly due to the monotonous excuse for a chase scene that eats up a majority of the running time.  What starts out as a monster on the loose flick ends up being mostly just a boring caper movie with some criminals chasing a briefcase.  The titular Geek character looks like some sorta deranged beat-nick and unfortunately goes missing for a majority of the movie until another chase scene is added at the end for extra dullness.  In between these sleep-inducing chases we get a TWILIGHT ZONEesque narration, a couple of "women" who suspiciously look like men in drag, a woman running away from some gangsters but finding time to stop and take a skinny dip  and some footage at a strip joint where some old time strippers, that may look surprisingly like your mom, bump and grind away.  I would recommend this one only to someone looking for a good nights sleep.  Thank god it's only 70 minutes!
 Director Dale Berry went on to do something called HIP, HOT AND 21 which at least looks more humorous than this GEEK flick.

                                                                   Something Weird!:

LEMORA, A CHILD'S TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL (1975)

An interesting, almost fairy-tale like story of a young girls loss of innocence amidst a world of vampires, zombies and witches.  This once obscure 70's flick kind of reminds me of the also once obscure art film VALERIE AND HER WEEK OF WONDERS but not quite as artsy or trippy as that film.  While this is a more subdued version of that tale it still contains a bit of blood here and there.  Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith does a good job as the kid who goes through some crazy changes after being forced into the world of the supernatural.  Having only seen Ms. Smith in women-in-prison and other sexy exploitation type movies I never really thought of her as a particularly good actress but she does a decent job here of conveying the emotional aspect of the journey she's on.  With touches of lesbianism, pedophilia and even incest it's obvious why this one was condemned by The Catholic Church when released.  Check it out for some blasphemous strangeness. 

Some vampy clips:

THE GEEK (1971)

The tender story of a rapist Bigfoot creature known here simply as "The Geek".  Probably one of the most inept pieces of film I've experienced in a long time.  I've seen a 15 minute version of this film and a 45 minute version(which includes more very unattractive hardcore sex footage) but neither one feels totally complete since both version conclude with our main characters vowing revenge and then never getting it.  The plot, as it is, concerns a group of hippie couples who go camping in the Pacific Northwest woods.  We see them screw a few times and then they finally meet "The Geek".  Now this particular Bigfoot looks like just another overly hairy hippy wearing a partial gorilla suit and some dark paint.  Our hippie heroes try to make friends with the monster but instead wind up having their women raped and then getting beaten silly in an absurd slap-fight/shove match with the horny creature.  The unending footage of the campers walking is almost unbearable and the sex scenes are far from sexy but I feel this is a film that should be seen just for the spectacle of a rapey Bigfoot.

All the excitement of a home movie from 1971!:

THE ENTITY (1981)

The CITIZEN CANE of ghost-rape movies?  Well since it's the only one I can think of at the moment I'll say yes.  Barbara Hershey stars and does a good job in this surprisingly well acted and, for the most part, well done movie. The film takes the stupidest of subject matter (a violent rapist ghost) and delivers a better film than you would expect given the material.  Purportedly based on a true story (why do I find that hard to believe?) the script is pretty simplistic yet our sympathies are all over the place.  The sympathetic psychologist character comes off as an asshole since he never believes Hershey's claims of poltergiesty-rape even though we, as the audience, clearly see it happen.  Hershey herself comes off as a weird nutty mom who seems a bit overly touchy with her son in a borderline incest-fueled way.  We probably wouldn't believe her story either if we didn't observe it firsthand. And to me the ghost hunter characters also come off as some sorta sci-fi nerd ass-wipes since I just think ghost hunting in general is pretty fucking stupid.  So I'm not sure who I'm supposed to relate to in this thing.  I can't help but feel with some minor alterations the director could have made the film more of a mystery where we're not sure what to think but then again seeing an Emmy award winning actress raped by an invisible intruder is a thrill in and of itself.  I'll say check it out for something different.

THE NEW TALK DIRTY TO ME PART III (1989)

Originally released in 1984 without the "new" part of the title and, unfortunately for the filmmakers, starring a 16 year old Traci Lords this 1980's porn rip-off of the Tom Hanks Hollywood hit SPLASH was re-shot with all of her scenes really sloppily edited out and replaced with a barely acting Lisa DeLeeuw that you can hear getting yelled directions by the director.  The new scenes seem to have been cheaply shot on video so there's a jarring difference when we cut from that to the older film stock.  Now I do recall seeing the original version of this back when I was young man and avid viewer of the Playboy Channel so I can remember it obviously being a lot better in its original form.  The movie is filled with lame jokes and your typically big haired blond 80's gals including Ginger and Amber Lynn. You also get John Leslie as the main ladies man, who also appears in the re-shot stuff looking a bit older plus Jamie Gillis as his buddy.  I think the message of the movie is that all women are secretly mermaids?

In Japan they don't care about fake I.D.'s:

ZOMBIE SELF-DEFENSE FORCE (2006)

Super silly Japanese zombie/comedy flick loaded with lots of ridiculous gore and blood.  The movie strangely starts off with an anti-American political diatribe that at the same time praises George Romero as a genius.  It then quickly turns into a more goofy thing that's hard to take seriously at all.  It seems that a UFO has crashed causing a nasty zombie outbreak.  There's a cast of assorted Japanese stereotypical characters including an annoying J-Pop star, a cheating businessman, Yakuza members and whole group of soldiers.  For some reason I find stupid Asian shot-on-video zombie movies way less annoying than their American counterparts.  That's probably due to the attractive Asian ladies on display.  You get a flying zombie fetus that chokes people with its umbilical-cord, a little green alien octopus, a female cyborg soldier built so Japan can get revenge for World War II and a bunch of crappy CGI.  This is part of a series that includes ATTACK GIRLS SWIM TEAM VS. THE UNDEAD and ZOMBIE HUNTER RIKA which are both probably skip-able, though I might watch them just to see more Japanese schoolgirls fighting zombies.  Check this out only if you want something exceptionally stupid.  

THE TRUE STORY OF THE NUN OF MONZA (1980)

Bruno Mattei is one of my favorite directors of  Italian exploitation films.  In such films as RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR and NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES he shows an over the top abundance of ineptness that translates into a so bad it's good vibe.  Even in his later shot-on video stuff I always find him entertaining in his eagerness to give the viewer shocking scenes amidst a sea of stupidity.  That being said this nunsploitation flick from the 80's is a relatively subdued viewing experience from the master of sleazy thrills.  There's the expected nun lesbianism and some whippings here and there but it never goes to the murky depths of depravity that Mattei usually wallows in.  I guess he took this material more serious or something.  Maybe for historical reasons since this was a remake of 1969's THE NUN OF MONZA which was one of the first nunsploitation movies ever.  This TRUE STORY OF THE NUN OF MONZA stars Zora Kerova, who gore fans will recognize as the chick who gets hooks through her boobs in CANNIBAL FEROX, as a naughty nun who gets power hungry and then has to be punished.  You get some footage of horse fucking stolen from Walerian Borowczyk's THE BEAST and not too much else that's all that memorable.  I prefer Mattei's other nun epic THE OTHER HELL at least in that one you get some crazy hi-jinks from Satan himself.  

No Satan at all in this movie just this ass-clown:

MIGHTY PEKING MAN (1977)

This is my personal favorite of all the KING KONG rip-off movies to come out over the years.  The FX are ridiculous, the acting is horrible and the plot is absurd, in other words it's everything you could want in a movie like this.  You even get some brief nudity if you look close enough due to the skimpy little outfit lead actress Evelyn Kraft has to wear while jumping around the jungle acting like a female Tarzan impersonator.  The love scene with the two leads romping around while romantic music plays is cheesy enough to make you wonder how they made this movie with any type of serious intentions but they apparently did and supposedly the original version plays out a lot sadder and more tragic which is hard to even imagine.  This movie is so entertaining if you're in the right state of mind and I would rather watch this a thousand times than watch that Peter Jackson Hollywood CGI-filled piece of garbage once.  I'm not sure if the Shaw Brothers made any other giant monster movies but if so I need to check them out.

ENTER...ZOMBIE KING (2003)

While zombies, Mexican-wrestlers, gore, hot chicks and rock 'n roll are some of my favorite things in the world shot-on-video, amateur movies are among my least favorite things.  With all those ingredients it must have been hard to make such a boring movie.  The supposed Mexican-wrestlers are all played by people with Canadian accents so that's a bit weird and the gore fx are pretty crappy.  Real WWF wrestler Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart shows up in a small role.  George Romero was supposed to be in this also at one point but wisely passed.  The only positive things to say is that the surf music played by a band of masked "wrestlers" is pretty good and there is a bit of nice-looking goth chick nudity.  While not the worst SOV thing I've ever seen, there's a ton of worse zombie movies out there, I would only recommend this to people with very low standards.  Watch SANTO VS. THE ZOMBIES instead for some classic Luchador vs. zombie action.

This German trailer says presented by George Romero which is kinda weird cuz my DVD doesn't have his name anywhere on it:

FLOWER AND SNAKE (1974)

A thoroughly sleazy bit of sexual perversion from Japan that I think is supposed to sorta be a comedy too but filled with bondage, rape, forced-enemas and characters that have very few redeeming social values I'm not sure if the comedy aspect is gonna shine through to most American viewers. This is the movie that is supposed to have started a whole genre known as Roman Porno. What that label means I'm not really sure since they're not Roman or even really pornos as we know them today. This particular film has many sequels and remakes. If the rest of them are as strange and amazingly disgusting as this one I gotta check them out. The plot has to do with a weird-o boss, who has some wacky kinks, which include attempted rape and giving the maid a surprise enema in the garden, who wants to get his wife trained to be more subservient, so he gets an impotent lowlife employee of his to do this using torture, bondage, rape and forceful enemas of his own. While this is going on the employees mom is busy shooting pornos in the basement with a large black gentleman and abusing her sons hostage whenever she feels like it. It's an all out sleaze-fest and overall not a very feminist film to say the least. I think the final message is that men are lovable even though they are all creepy rapist losers or is it that the woman is able to control everything even though it seems like she is powerless? I guess it depends on your point of view. It may be close to being one of the most perfect films for miscreants and pervo's so of course I recommend it highly.

JASON VS. LEATHERFACE (2005)

A really badly done, cheap, fan-made short, shot by and starring someone named Matt Spease.  This thing makes FREDDY Vs. JASON look like a masterpiece in comparision.  I guess this is actually supposed to be some kind of unofficial sequel to FREDDY VS. JASON because we get Freddy's severed head telling Jason to go to Texas and hang out with Leatherface.  I'm not sure why anything happens though since the dialogue is drowned out by background noise that sounds like they shot the whole thing in the middle of a rush hour traffic jam.  Leatherface, for some reason, has hair down to his ass and he and Jason both look way to unimposing to be very menacing.  In addition to Jason, Leatherface and Freddy's head you also get Michael Meyers putting in a cameo.  While I can appreciate fans attempting to do something like this I can't imagine this would appeal to anyone besides maybe some younger slasher movie fans and/or fans of those comic books where they have two big slasher icons meeting up like this.  There are at least three other fan shorts with this same title and probably more than that.  I never realized the prospect of seeing a zombie fight a cannibal was so thrilling to people.  I think from now on I'll stick with Three Stooges shorts. 

Surprisingly, this 2010 version looks like they actually had some kind of budget and production values:

BLUE DEMON CONTRA LAS DIABOLICAS (1968)

It's become sort of a Halloween tradition that at least one of the Spanish channels show a classic masked wrestler flick to celebrate the holiday.  This one is a weird choice because there aren't any monsters in it and it's not spooky at all but I guess since Blue Demon wears a mask it counts.  These lucha libre movies are all pretty much the same as far as plot goes.  There's some bad guys doing bad things until our hero figures some shit out and fucks up the evil bastards.  They're Mexico's answer to the kung-fu flick in their simplicity but where they top the typical kung-fu flick is in the style and kitsch department.  In this one the Demon takes on a weird shadowy baddy who likes to whittle wood for some unexplained reason and whose face we don't see until the big final showdown.  He also takes on an evil Blue Demon doppleganger who likes to put women in choke-holds.  Some of the sets look awesomely fake with Demon's view of the city looking particularly cardboard-like.  These movies were childhood favorites that still never fail to entertain me and they must have made a million of them because I keep finding ones I've never seen.

Some inspirational tunes!: